Buffalo66

I am having a very difficult time stopping the obsessive thoughts over WHy he is so cruel? Where is he now? Is he OK?

I am not picking up the phone, though, so that is a step forward.

He is not working, not calling me, not even trying to call to check on our son.

I know he is going to have trouble and come crying back. I want to stay strong, but my damn brain keeps jumoing tracks back to what about what he is doing? Where is he? WHo is he with?

I would just be tortured by the answers, so I dont know why I want to know.

I am his enemy, he says...And I know that is part of the problem. My triggers get pulled when he makes ME the bad guy. Its like I cannot bear to be placed in his imaginary hot seat.

I sometimes fear that I have Borderline personality disorder. I have seen Drs. They all seem to think I do not have that, but that I am in a terribly bad and abusive scenario...

Any help, kind words? Experience.

DO/HAVE ANY OF YOU OBSESSED LIKE THIS?

IamSaved

I suffered from the 'what if's and why not's' also.

It's torture. Concentrate on YOU, what you want to do, what makes you happy. He is in control of his life, and you can't do anything about the what if's. If he's making bad choices, they are not your concern!

The only person you can control is you. Can you call a friend, go to a movie? Have coffee? Go shopping? Fill up your days with the things you love, and control what you are doing. It gives you the control back in your life!

Worrying about them is exhausting! It gives them WAY too much control over OUR lives! Take your life back! You will feel so much better for it!

Hugs to you!

coffeedrinker

I never did well in this area. Found that I could only sorta not obsess when he was not in the home and even more so when he was not using. Yeah, I know.

I was so bad off, and I just stayed stuck there. The advice to get with some girlfriends, pamper yourself, etc, sure sounds good, but when I was in the thick of it, I didn't wanna call anyone, just smoked cigarettes and wallowed in sadness, or spent time checking up on him or trying to have a dialogue.

So I'm sorry I can't give you step-by-step instructions on this.

But what I do know, is that if you really want to get over this, you will. Sometimes I think the hardest part is that we don't like to be in pain, and we will do many things to avoid feeling it. I think that's part of the human condition. Just telling myself "this will not last" "this is just a painful part I need to go through to come out on the other side" helps A LOT.

I just wanted you to know you were heard, and that I'm rooting for you.

transformyself

First of all, congratulations of recognizing the growth you've had instead of beating yourself up. This crap is hard!

After decades of obsessive thoughts, I have a litany of tools.

*Bikram yoga (which is freaking intense check it out) or another type of exercise that exhausts you.
*Mindfullness and postive self thoughts. I've probably shared the following here before, but they really work for me Girl
I am leaving you now
This is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
All if for my greater good
*I moved to pharmacueticals for serious obsessive triggers. Clonipin. Hate it.
And decided in therapy yesterday that I've talked about this sh1t for years and it's not getting better, so I'm going to to EMDR for the pstd.

Other than that, I would post this by your computer
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess

Hugs!

Duped

I'm not doing well in that area, except my obsessive though patterns these days are:

1) What stunt is she going to pull next
2) How difficult is she going to keep making my life and how difficult is she going to make it for me to have access to my daughter
3) What BS lies is she spreading about me.
4) What will she do next to hurt me or embed a knife in my back?

Luckily I don't obsess with worrying about her drinking, she can do what she likes.

I wish I knew how to live without worrying about her erratic and hurtful behaviour.

Buffalo66

Thanks, Everyone.

I had a long talk with my psychiatrist by phone today. I do not think I have Borderline PErsonality anymore. She made it very clear that what I was experiencing was far more along the lines of PTSD.


I am going to borrow money from my family members to join the gym. I remember how powerful exercize has been for me in the past. I checked and they do have a Bikram yoga class. (it is at 6am!!!ugh!)

Duped, I have the similar stuff. It switches around. I definitely wonder what he is telling people. I have recently found out that he will say ANYTHING to maintain a convenient scenario and physical proximity to his drug.

When the phone rings, I feel a knot in my stomach the size of a bowling ball.

Stunt seems like such an appropriate word.

Thanks everyone. PS: still no contact today. yay for me!

transformyself

Buffalo I'm so proud of you, but sorry to hear you're experiencing PTSD symptoms.

I'm living proof that you can beat it. Uh, I mean I will be living proof that you can beat it. The Bikram is really effective but I doubt it's really Bikram if it's at a local gym. You have to be able to heat the room to 105 degrees. BUT go anyway and work hard. You'll feel better immediatly.

Good for you for being proactive, for making that call, for focusing on yourself!

Carol Star

I had an amazing therapist and an amazing sponsor. I also prayed for HP to release me of my code obsession "just for today." I got into Sylvan meditation and yoga. I exercised. I went no contact with AH and finally got healthy enough and objective enough and accepted I was not getting my white picket fence and divorce was the healthiest decision for me. He would not embrace recovery. I had no choice. I realized and this was BIG......I was a codependent!!!!!! My Mom was too. She stayed way too long in her marriage. I read all the books. Code No More, Women Who Love Too Much, Letting Go. It was hard. It was sad. I didn't worry about what others thought. What they thought wasn't my business. I had to remember the bad stuff XAH had done to me every time I got those "I miss him" feelings. The brain doesn't process sad and mad feelings at the same time. I kept a card in my pocket of all the bad. I stayed Mad. I had to remind myself. When I heard he was with someone else I felt scared for her. I had to look at the reality. HE WAS NO PRIZE. Just keep the focus on you. If you grew up in an unhealthy home it may take longer because it looks normal. That was me. We confuse love with pain. My XAH had some hooks I started to recognize.....to hook me back in......quilt, sex, telling me something was wrong with my half/wild cat that lived outside.......all bull____ hooks to get me to go back and take his crap. (A neighbor adopted the cat)...after I left....... By the grace of HP those hooks finally stopped working. I was very code. He was my drug I had to RUN away from. It took alot of praying, meditation helped stop the obsessive mind, yoga and walking relaxed me.........I educated myself on being Code. Now I live a boring, no crazies, no chaos life......Alcoholic.....even if you took away the alcohol.....there was still alot of ICK........ALCOHOL ICK! ......... SR really helps and is where I read......let go or be dragged........! We ain't alone. We are all one.

JenT1968

Your brain is used to thinking about him a lot. This is a habit. Our brains have evolved to automatically think about stuff we usually think about to save time. Whilst he and you were in contact, the new stuff that he did every day that you *had to* think about to get by, meant that you thought about new stuff to do with him, a lot.

Now there is no new information for your brain to deal with, but it is still stuck in the old habit, it is running the same stuff over and over again. Which feels horrible, but is perfectly natural. Your brain will get bored, as long as you don't latch on to this obsessing as a way to artifcially maintain a one-sided "relationship" with your ex.

But you have to work to give it new things to replace the habit with, and also give yourself time to grieve and think about what actually happened between you two (rather than what he might be doing now, which is the illusion of an ongoing relationship).

You don't have to switch off thinking about him at all right now, but try one new thing to keep your mind off of him this week and repeat it until it works (new habits take time to build).

if you are obsessing about what he is doing right now, and can't switch it off dead, try and switch it to remembering something real that happened between you in the past, and then switch that to how you felt then, and switch that to how you felt in a situation with someone different, switching to a happy time with someone different, stepping it down and away from imaginings about his now to (hopefully eventually) realities about you.

get a meditation cd, (about anything really), try and concentrate on it, and remember that the process of trying to fill your head with something other than him it is what you are after, it doesn't mean anything about now or your future if you can't manage it, every time you TRY you are training your brain.