froglegs

Ugh.

I have just about had it with the manipulation and the emotional rollercoaster I am riding with AH. I just don't understand it.

I have yet to file my divorce paperwork (planning to do it next week when i get paid). AH is still living in the house with me and the kids, up until yesterday things were relatively peaceful and boundaries were being respected.

It seems as though AH is quickly moving back into his "comfort zone". By this I mean acting like nothing happened and going overboard, asking me for favors "can you stop and get me some cigarettes on your way home from work" being overly helpful etc...So, last night he tries to crawl in bed with me, which I quickly pointed out to him seemed inappropriate to me, considering we are soon going to be going through the divorce process. He did not appreciate that at all, and started going on and on about "well, I thought we were getting along and being respectful, but apparently I need to shut everything out and be mean and go about things that way. Just let me know how you want me to treat you, and consider it done"

HUH?????

To which I replied, "I'm sorry, but this is a difficult process for me. My head knows what to do and I am just hoping my heart follows suit. So, in the event that things seem to be getting a little to "back to normal" with us, I might need to check myself and you, so that I can keep things in perspective and keep my mind clear. When you do things like clean the house, or try to come to bed with me, it is confusing and uncomfortable and I don't want to give off the impression that I am fine with the way things are. I have left too many times to count and I don't think you take me seriously at this point, so please be respectful when I say something is bothering me, and respect that."

So he says, yea you are right....I have no business being here(living in the house)...I am just messing with my own head...I can't believe I didn't see this coming...I am such an idiot. It's not you, it's me and I am sorry I crossed the lines.

So today from being Mr. considerate and understanding, he is being cold, rude, one word answers, acting like I am the most detested person on the planet.....

How can you just turn your personality off and on like that? Amazing.

So, I have no idea what he is going to do. I hope he follows his own advice and leaves the house. It would be so much easier.

Sigh. This is where I am today. Just trying to stand my ground, respect myself and make it through the day.

coffeedrinker

And this behavior, which seems bizarre to us, is exactly one of the reasons you are
divorcing him. Sounds very similar to my xah - apologetic one day, sullen the next, acting sweet and considerate the next, then manipulative or angry the next. I found that when I was kind back (I think anyway) he felt he was getting mixed messages. I decided that I will behave in the manner that I feel is correct no matter what he was like. That helped so much. Being courteous doesn't mean you're reconciling, it just means you are acting like a decent human being.

I guess I actually understand his moodiness. His shame is what makes him act like nothing is wrong (unspoken words: with him) and it is also what makes him feel so badly about himself. He probably truly is apologetic. He just can't function emotionally the way you want him to, or the way that healthier people do.

Wishing you well...

Freedom1990

It takes two to play the game.

I found that when dealing with an active addict/alcoholic, the less words, the better.

They don't have to like what I say, and they can quack all they want. I tend to walk off when the quacking is going on.

The less I engage with them, the better for me.

Just my two cents.

Duped

Meh.

Being nice and kind to my exAGF only gets a knife embedded in my back.

We barely communicate now. She's in a very vindictive stage these days.

But you're right, they are unpredictable at best.

I just stay away. There's no other option without opening myself up to a beating.

Pelican

Hang in there FrogLegs!

You have a plan, you are filing divorce papers next week. Don't let yourself get caught up in Mr. Nice Guy acting. When you mentioned things are getting back to normal and he is helping around the house, do you mean he is finally acting like a responsible adult? Great.

Why does he feel you must reward temporary, responsible adult behavior with intimacy? If he got his feelings hurt, they are his feelings. You did not cause him to feel rejected. His drinking career is what caused his rejection.

The last part about crossing the line, messing with his own head, etc.....is quack, quack, quack. Que the tiny violin music.

Jadmack25

Let's face it!! The words rational, intelligent and understanding, are only 3 of many that those who are active A's do not have in their heads, may come out their mouths but sure not imbedded in their brains.

Don't try and work out where he is coming from, or you will be in a straight jacket.
Just do as you need and let him go where-ever and do what ever.

God bless

Still Waters

Five year olds do it all the time!

barb dwyer

you DO have a plan.

and so does HE.
his first manipulative act of subterfuge... didn't work.

You don't OWE him sex.

and he got pouty cuz his actions did'n't 'pre-pay' for it.

wah.

cya in court.
and if you wanna stay nice ... smile a lot.