MayaandMe

Hi.
I was hoping to understand better the idea of being enmeshed. I am no longer in a relationship with an alcoholic, but in my new relationship I am finding myself doing some of the same things from my old relationship and it is damaging the new relationship.

What does being enmeshed mean? How does it effect us in our relationships?

Thanks!

Bernadette

To me being enmeshed means I am more focused on the other person and their potential, their shortcomings, their comfort, their feelings, etc., than my own.

Now, some of that attention is normal, is supportive, is part of loving someone. But enmeshed means it has overtaken the time I should be spending on myself and my potential, my problems, my feelings. Enmeshed means I am trying to exert control or WORRYING over someone's decisions, moods, interpretations, behavior, etc., and not accepting that, truthfully, I have NO control over other people!!

If I let my moods and my behaviors change at the whim of another person's words or behaviors then I am introuble. Again, we are influenced by those we love, no question, but I don;t need to "jump" or get involved in every little thing. I have to know and accept where I end and another person begins.

AlAnon taught me alot about this. Have you been working on yourself at all? AlAnon, therapy? What kinds of behaviors are you recognizing as damaging? the good news is, if we keep an open mind, and do things differently than we have in the past, we really can change!

peace-
b

Duped

Too right. I have decided to remain single until I address my codependency issues.

posiesperson

What a great definition of enmeshment, Bernadette. It definitely rings true for myself. Mayaandme, I've also done some of the same things over and over in relationships I've had. I'm with Duped...taking a break from relationships is probably my best hope for focusing on myself, my relationship habits, etc., so that I can make different choices in the future.

Wishing you the best,
Posie

coffeedrinker

The way I think of "enmeshed" is being too cose to another person. Where do you end and they begin? Hard to see this for yourself if you are enmeshed. I think of fabric or metal mesh-type stuff being linked where they are supposed to be separate. Do you "do" the other person's anger for them? Or other emotions? This is enmeshment.

My half-sister is what I called enmeshed with her parents. She calls her mother almost every, if not every, day. She thinks of them as being very close. She sort of recognizes that it's a little unhealthy, but sees it as having a close and loving relationship. You know what I think it is....

this new relationship - I wonder if some of those personality traits, the "addict" ones, are also present. This would place you right back in old patterns if you have not done a good bit of healing of yourself.

When we become healthier, we seek out, and are attracted to healthier people.

Freedom1990

For me, being enmeshed is hinging my reality on someone else. Bernadette gave some excellent examples!

MayaandMe

Thanks everyone! I know that I am a codependent and I have not done the work I need to get myself where I need to be. I am in a MUCH better place, thank God, than where I was a year ago, but I feel like I am just waking up and getting out of a mental freeze that I had in response to my exabf.

I am noticing that, in my new relationship, I try to manipulate and control in subtle ways. I can usually rationalize why I am doing something, but I am becoming so aware of these behaviors that I want to change for myself and for my daughter, she is almost 3.

Specifically, I make small issues like my bf being unable to pick up the phone when I call, into big issues. I am afraid that things won't work out, so I don't give them time and space to work out, and then they don't. I feel like I give too much importance to small things and allow my emotions to run wild. I have not been good at filtering my thoughts, I say whatever pops into my mind, ask whatever I want and I am seeing that I am not showing him the respect for himself as a person that I would like to. (that is embarrassing to admit)

Those are the things that I am noticing now. I am trying to keep myself in the moment. Not to fantasize about the future or romanticize the past. That is my goal for today.
Thanks.

Jadmack25

Thanks Bernadette, for your wonderful description of "enmeshed". I guess it is almost like having your "loved one" taking over your mind and body, in a weird way, as if I cease to exist.

I phone my mum every day, and we chat for 30 minutes to an hour, and I sure don't call that enmeshed, just spending time with a woman I dearly love and who lives 3000 miles away from me.

I also do it because I do not know how long I will have her in my life for real, as she is okey right now, but coming up for 99 later this year and I am not taking any chances.

God bless

coffeedrinker

sorry about the implication, jadmack. there is definitely other emotional stuff going on with the example i gave about my sister.

mayandme, i might be very much like you. i have gotten VERY reactive when abf does not answer the phone. my imagination goes right to a bad place. it's because there's history...but now even if he's just in the shower or napping, i don't know what's going on and - - - it's like a trigger for me. sounds like you're keeping things in the proper perspective.

Jadmack25

That's ok Coffee. My sister rings mum every day, she lives 30 miles away, but can go for months without visiting in person. Usually she calls to bitch about her kids, her job, car, phone bill, ex husband or whatever, and it doesn't matter if she's sober and hanging out, or part way thru her 3 bottles of red a night.

I get stroppy as I feel unable to let mum know if I am feeling down, as she gets enough negativity from sis, and mum is such a positive person.

I think you get what I mean.

God bless