My AH is having an affair with a woman from his 12-step group
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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My AH is having an affair with a woman from his 12-step group
He's been sober 8+ years. The first 5 were magical, we were back on track, best friends & lovers again. Gradually he started going to more and more meetings (up to 3 per day) and avoiding home more and more. I discovered (via the wonders of mobile phones and e-mail) that he has taken up with a woman in his AA group. It's an emotional affair, probably not sexual yet but highly inappropriate by any measure. He doesn't know I know. I'm totally creeped out. I want to find some serenity about this before I make any big moves. I am the earner in the family and he is financially dependent. Advice, please? How do I address this? (I have an al-anon group I love but still haven't settled with a sponsor.)
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I think you just need to confront him about it before it turns physical.
There are so many reasons people have affairs, so you need to deal with it right away and if he's willing, you need to get some couples therapy to figure out why he's straying.
It's seems to be so common for addicts to hook up in AA. I've seen it over and over.
I went to a few AA meetings where it seemed more like a social event after the meeting than a place of healing.
There are so many reasons people have affairs, so you need to deal with it right away and if he's willing, you need to get some couples therapy to figure out why he's straying.
It's seems to be so common for addicts to hook up in AA. I've seen it over and over.
I went to a few AA meetings where it seemed more like a social event after the meeting than a place of healing.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
As an recovering A. I'd never have done this and I haven't even seen it done in my 2 1/2 years. With that said, I know it does happen. Just I just don't want you to view it as the norm and dislike his attendance.
It is NOT okay to form opposite sex friendships while new in AA. Most abide to this rule. Most of the men I know even steer women who try to talk to them to other women. People who are new in recovery are emotionally wrecked to begin with. When my husband got out of rehab he couldn't understand why he felt like such a mess. It was because he and everyone who comes in spent years without any real feelings. So, sobriety is overwhelming.
There is what's known as a pink cloud "everyone's great" "Live life to the fullest" etc... People get lost on this cloud. They lose touch with reality briefly. Life becomes "magical" But, life isn't magical, now is it? Eventually we come off this cloud and reality sets in. A good reality based on making real personal growth. We can't do this if entangled in some new love affair. It's sabotoge.
I would definitely bring it up. Then (some may disagree) But if I were you, I'd insist he get a sponsor. If he has one. I'd maybe even call his sponsor on this one also to make sure he knows (that may be a little codie though). I was told by my husbands sponsor that it would be okay to call if there was a question about his sobriety. A new love affair can certainly effect sobriety.
His feet will come back to the ground. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
It is NOT okay to form opposite sex friendships while new in AA. Most abide to this rule. Most of the men I know even steer women who try to talk to them to other women. People who are new in recovery are emotionally wrecked to begin with. When my husband got out of rehab he couldn't understand why he felt like such a mess. It was because he and everyone who comes in spent years without any real feelings. So, sobriety is overwhelming.
There is what's known as a pink cloud "everyone's great" "Live life to the fullest" etc... People get lost on this cloud. They lose touch with reality briefly. Life becomes "magical" But, life isn't magical, now is it? Eventually we come off this cloud and reality sets in. A good reality based on making real personal growth. We can't do this if entangled in some new love affair. It's sabotoge.
I would definitely bring it up. Then (some may disagree) But if I were you, I'd insist he get a sponsor. If he has one. I'd maybe even call his sponsor on this one also to make sure he knows (that may be a little codie though). I was told by my husbands sponsor that it would be okay to call if there was a question about his sobriety. A new love affair can certainly effect sobriety.
His feet will come back to the ground. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I would go to a website called surviving infidelity and go to the Just Found Out Forum.
I spent a lot of time there before silly me realized our problem wasn't just infidelity, but also alcoholism. Those folks can help you, without a doubt.
For now do not confront him. Keep gathering your evidence. When confronted, he will deny it and try to blame you. So unless you're ready to have consequences in place, and follow through with them, backed with evidence he cannot refute- keep your sources and knowledge clandestine.
If you still want your marraige-and it may take years to figure this one out after the shock of learing about the affair, you should confront, demand he end it immediatly and you guys find a couples councelor that specializes in addiction and affairs, or he's out of the home and you're filing for divorce. If you can, you may even want to see an attorney first and get those ducks lined up.
But you must be ready to follow through with the threats.
Really, this is war, if you want to save your marriage. He's "foggy" and high from the secrecy. Bringing it out into the open--with proper evidence--will slap it out of that.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to be strong and keep focusing on what you want. Some folks just walk away and don't want to deal with a partner that cheats. Others fight and save their marriage. Still others fight and can't save their marriage.
On the site I recommended, I've seen time and time again the proper formula played out. My favorite was a 70 year old woman who discovered her husbands affair while he was out of town for two weeks with the other woman, supposedly "golfing."
The folks on the site walked her though saving all of her evidence, seeing the attorney, helping her not collapse but stay strong. We waited for her postings the day he returned. When she came back, she said she was doing dishes when he walked in and came to kiss her hello.
She took the frying pan she was cleaning and clocked hm with it, screaming at him. She didn't plan it, and was upset she had done it. That image of him crawling on the floor begging her not to leave him is burned forever in my mind.
She had therapy lined up and the last I knew they were working things out.
Stay away from frying pans and keep taking care of yourself. I'm really sorry this is happening to you but I do have one final word about affairs:
My husbands affair was the catalyst for me to start changing things about myself I didn't think I could change.
You can turn this into an opportunity to have a better life. I know that sounds crazy right now, but it's true.
PM me anytime.
I spent a lot of time there before silly me realized our problem wasn't just infidelity, but also alcoholism. Those folks can help you, without a doubt.
For now do not confront him. Keep gathering your evidence. When confronted, he will deny it and try to blame you. So unless you're ready to have consequences in place, and follow through with them, backed with evidence he cannot refute- keep your sources and knowledge clandestine.
If you still want your marraige-and it may take years to figure this one out after the shock of learing about the affair, you should confront, demand he end it immediatly and you guys find a couples councelor that specializes in addiction and affairs, or he's out of the home and you're filing for divorce. If you can, you may even want to see an attorney first and get those ducks lined up.
But you must be ready to follow through with the threats.
Really, this is war, if you want to save your marriage. He's "foggy" and high from the secrecy. Bringing it out into the open--with proper evidence--will slap it out of that.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to be strong and keep focusing on what you want. Some folks just walk away and don't want to deal with a partner that cheats. Others fight and save their marriage. Still others fight and can't save their marriage.
On the site I recommended, I've seen time and time again the proper formula played out. My favorite was a 70 year old woman who discovered her husbands affair while he was out of town for two weeks with the other woman, supposedly "golfing."
The folks on the site walked her though saving all of her evidence, seeing the attorney, helping her not collapse but stay strong. We waited for her postings the day he returned. When she came back, she said she was doing dishes when he walked in and came to kiss her hello.
She took the frying pan she was cleaning and clocked hm with it, screaming at him. She didn't plan it, and was upset she had done it. That image of him crawling on the floor begging her not to leave him is burned forever in my mind.
She had therapy lined up and the last I knew they were working things out.
Stay away from frying pans and keep taking care of yourself. I'm really sorry this is happening to you but I do have one final word about affairs:
My husbands affair was the catalyst for me to start changing things about myself I didn't think I could change.
You can turn this into an opportunity to have a better life. I know that sounds crazy right now, but it's true.
PM me anytime.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I would like to also say I'm sorry for your pain. Betrayal - in its many forms - has got to be the absolute worst.
I'm not sure if Alerzerin realizes that your husband has been sober for 8 years -- so he's not newly sober, with all the terrific-ness that it can bring.
Is he not able to work? If so, what does he do to fill his time and bring meaning to his life? Even those who are severely enough disabled to not be able to work full-time, can find volunteer opportunities.
The ego gratification that engaging in these things is very powerful. And it points to inner work that still needs to be done. If you do see, or have seen, the same therapist I would suggest starting there. If not, then I would suggest that you start attending.
I'm not sure if Alerzerin realizes that your husband has been sober for 8 years -- so he's not newly sober, with all the terrific-ness that it can bring.
Is he not able to work? If so, what does he do to fill his time and bring meaning to his life? Even those who are severely enough disabled to not be able to work full-time, can find volunteer opportunities.
The ego gratification that engaging in these things is very powerful. And it points to inner work that still needs to be done. If you do see, or have seen, the same therapist I would suggest starting there. If not, then I would suggest that you start attending.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Gosh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this form of betrayal.
emotional affair, probably not sexual yet
I find no difference in the betrayal aspect of emotional vs. sexual. Personally, I feel the emotional dynamic of an affair is worse than the act of sex. It is the foreplay if you will leading up to the act.
I agree with transform on this issue. Gathering your evidence puts you at the crux of codie/detective, yet you're going to want cold hard evidence to present to him and consequences YOU are ready to follow through with.
emotional affair, probably not sexual yet
I find no difference in the betrayal aspect of emotional vs. sexual. Personally, I feel the emotional dynamic of an affair is worse than the act of sex. It is the foreplay if you will leading up to the act.
I agree with transform on this issue. Gathering your evidence puts you at the crux of codie/detective, yet you're going to want cold hard evidence to present to him and consequences YOU are ready to follow through with.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Gathering your evidence puts you at the crux of codie/detective,
The best advice might be to do the necessary steps, then release attachment to the outcome. Sort of like let go and let god.
Another person might just step away and say goodbye.
The outline I gave come right from the website and research into the nature of affairs. When engaged in an affair, the parties are "in the fog," and there is a natural order of events that occurs. It's predictable.
Sometimes that natural order of events is a frying pan to the head.
the other thing surviving infidelity says to do is that if the affair partner is married, to tell their spouse as well and coordinate when and how to confront.
All of these things seem contradictory and I acknowledge you may just want to walk away and say screw you. But I garuntee that he will try to blame you, deny it, minimize it and keep her in the shadows for his fix if you don't confront with evidence and consequences in place. It's scary to say, Me or Her, and the fear is that it'll send it into her arms. I did that with my husband. He moved in with her 8 blocks away when I kicked him out. But I starved him emotionally, filed for divorce and he came crawling back. I couldnt believe it, even thought they told me he would.
Now, I'm only glad he's gone. It's MY CHOICE to not be with him.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Sometimes that natural order of events is a frying pan to the head.
in my defense (of violence) i was drunk and he just told me he loved her.
Bah!
MP's were called, it was the last night I drank, and the rest is AA history.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ah Wicked. Another example of how insane we become when faced with the trauma of infidelity. I've done things I'm not proud of, which is why I'm encouraging marie to be strategic. Thoughtful. No matter what that means to her.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today Marie.
this tells me you'll be ok.
You said you're the earner in this family. You have the advantage. So, he doesn't work and he's taken a girlfriend? I hope you go to the website. It won't have al anon advice, though, but between the two you can find the support you need.
Hugs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today Marie.
I want to find some serenity about this before I make any big moves.
You said you're the earner in this family. You have the advantage. So, he doesn't work and he's taken a girlfriend? I hope you go to the website. It won't have al anon advice, though, but between the two you can find the support you need.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I would get the facts. I would probably save some drama and ask him? If he wants her I wouldn't want him. They may be just friends but then he would know it bothered you. If she is a newcomer it is not good for her. It is called 13th stepping.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Ah Wicked. Another example of how insane we become when faced with the trauma of infidelity. I've done things I'm not proud of, which is why I'm encouraging marie to be strategic. Thoughtful. No matter what that means to her.
Holding off until you get some serenity about this.
My ex tried many things after this date, (August 18 1996) to get me to drink again.
It was like open season on my raw emotions, newly sober, but his attempts to harm me did not work to get me to drink again.
Prayers for serenity and a good outcome for you.
Beth
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Personally, I would never fight for a man who wanted another women.
My ex of 15 yrs cheated on me, left me for her, then came back, then I found out he was still seeing her. I was gone!
I make some BAD choices, but I have way too much dignity to fight for some loser who's cheating or is seeing someone else.
In my area, the 12 step programs are "male only" "female only" groups for this reason alone. I think AA Meeting should be this was as well.
When my boyfriend talked about a female speaker at an AA Meeting he went to, he talked about her like she was an angel from heaven who was telling him the secret to peace.
When someone is not spiritually healed, they are still looking anywhere they can for somone to save them.
And don't hit him with anything. Walking away is the best "punch" to their heads
My ex of 15 yrs cheated on me, left me for her, then came back, then I found out he was still seeing her. I was gone!
I make some BAD choices, but I have way too much dignity to fight for some loser who's cheating or is seeing someone else.
In my area, the 12 step programs are "male only" "female only" groups for this reason alone. I think AA Meeting should be this was as well.
When my boyfriend talked about a female speaker at an AA Meeting he went to, he talked about her like she was an angel from heaven who was telling him the secret to peace.
When someone is not spiritually healed, they are still looking anywhere they can for somone to save them.
And don't hit him with anything. Walking away is the best "punch" to their heads
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by transformyself 
I would go to a website called surviving infidelity and go to the Just Found Out Forum.
I spent a lot of time there before silly me realized our problem wasn't just infidelity, but also alcoholism. Those folks can help you, without a doubt.
For now do not confront him. Keep gathering your evidence. When confronted, he will deny it and try to blame you. So unless you're ready to have consequences in place, and follow through with them, backed with evidence he cannot refute- keep your sources and knowledge clandestine.
If you still want your marraige-and it may take years to figure this one out after the shock of learing about the affair, you should confront, demand he end it immediatly and you guys find a couples councelor that specializes in addiction and affairs, or he's out of the home and you're filing for divorce. If you can, you may even want to see an attorney first and get those ducks lined up.
But you must be ready to follow through with the threats.
Really, this is war, if you want to save your marriage. He's "foggy" and high from the secrecy. Bringing it out into the open--with proper evidence--will slap it out of that.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to be strong and keep focusing on what you want. Some folks just walk away and don't want to deal with a partner that cheats. Others fight and save their marriage. Still others fight and can't save their marriage.
On the site I recommended, I've seen time and time again the proper formula played out. My favorite was a 70 year old woman who discovered her husbands affair while he was out of town for two weeks with the other woman, supposedly "golfing."
The folks on the site walked her though saving all of her evidence, seeing the attorney, helping her not collapse but stay strong. We waited for her postings the day he returned. When she came back, she said she was doing dishes when he walked in and came to kiss her hello.
She took the frying pan she was cleaning and clocked hm with it, screaming at him. She didn't plan it, and was upset she had done it. That image of him crawling on the floor begging her not to leave him is burned forever in my mind.
She had therapy lined up and the last I knew they were working things out.
Stay away from frying pans and keep taking care of yourself. I'm really sorry this is happening to you but I do have one final word about affairs:
My husbands affair was the catalyst for me to start changing things about myself I didn't think I could change.
You can turn this into an opportunity to have a better life. I know that sounds crazy right now, but it's true.
PM me anytime.
I spent a lot of time there before silly me realized our problem wasn't just infidelity, but also alcoholism. Those folks can help you, without a doubt.
For now do not confront him. Keep gathering your evidence. When confronted, he will deny it and try to blame you. So unless you're ready to have consequences in place, and follow through with them, backed with evidence he cannot refute- keep your sources and knowledge clandestine.
If you still want your marraige-and it may take years to figure this one out after the shock of learing about the affair, you should confront, demand he end it immediatly and you guys find a couples councelor that specializes in addiction and affairs, or he's out of the home and you're filing for divorce. If you can, you may even want to see an attorney first and get those ducks lined up.
But you must be ready to follow through with the threats.
Really, this is war, if you want to save your marriage. He's "foggy" and high from the secrecy. Bringing it out into the open--with proper evidence--will slap it out of that.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to be strong and keep focusing on what you want. Some folks just walk away and don't want to deal with a partner that cheats. Others fight and save their marriage. Still others fight and can't save their marriage.
On the site I recommended, I've seen time and time again the proper formula played out. My favorite was a 70 year old woman who discovered her husbands affair while he was out of town for two weeks with the other woman, supposedly "golfing."
The folks on the site walked her though saving all of her evidence, seeing the attorney, helping her not collapse but stay strong. We waited for her postings the day he returned. When she came back, she said she was doing dishes when he walked in and came to kiss her hello.
She took the frying pan she was cleaning and clocked hm with it, screaming at him. She didn't plan it, and was upset she had done it. That image of him crawling on the floor begging her not to leave him is burned forever in my mind.
She had therapy lined up and the last I knew they were working things out.
Stay away from frying pans and keep taking care of yourself. I'm really sorry this is happening to you but I do have one final word about affairs:
My husbands affair was the catalyst for me to start changing things about myself I didn't think I could change.
You can turn this into an opportunity to have a better life. I know that sounds crazy right now, but it's true.
PM me anytime.
When I first confronted my AH he lied and lied and lied, tried to justify his actions, tried to make it out to be less of a big deal then what it was and then he lied some more.. makes me wonder why I even stayed married to him..(cause I was/am too freaking codependent to leave)
Be prepared to find out more then you ever wanted to know.. my AH said that he was just "friends" with this girl, but friends don't sext and spend hours and hours on the phone with each other.. he will say that things never got physical but if they spent any length of time together I can almost bet things did get physical..
However, i would confront him as soon as possible.. In my case once the cat was out of the bag and believe me I made sure the cat was out of the bag because I exposed to him to all of his family and friends, he ended the relationship immediatly.. not saying that this is always the case, it just depends on how deeply involved he was with this person.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I am blown away by the genuine caring I sense here.
Many of these posts have me thinking ya'll have a ringside seat to this situation! But sadly, I believe that's because it's all too common.
To clarify a couple of things. The AH is long-term in AA (I do NOT say he's sober b/c as far as I'm concerned, this is dry drunk behavior.) The girlfriend is maybe 3-4 yrs in the program. The emotional affair (which to me is as much a betrayal as physical) shifted from mutual support/friendship to more romantic in the past couple of years.
She is the perfect profile for someone he would take up with. Her marriage is terrible and she's economically dependent on her husband. She is vulnerable and needy. I imagine it's a huge boost to his ego to "help" her and receive all her praise and gratitude.
The AH doesn't work because frankly he doesn't have to, financially. He's smart, educated and talented and I have long wished he would find an occupation other than meetings. But that has to be his decision, not mine.
I agree that I need to figure out what my role has been in all of this. I understand at his age (mid 50s) he's going through changes, as am I. I understand I have been preoccupied with making a living with a very busy career. I understand my earning power is a threat to his ego. This is no excuse for his infidelity, but after so many years, and given that the marriage has been so good in the past, I do want to leave no stone unturned in trying to heal from this.
We are in couples counseling but he stonewalls and blames in the sessions, to the point where at one point the therapist didn't want him there anymore because he was so nasty to me.
We are also seeing the therapist individually. I find her sensible and feel I'm making progress. AH thinks she is "against" him. He doesn't do any of her assignments and readings outside the sessions.
I am reading everything the therapist advises, listening to books on audio, doing yoga, meditation and lots of exercise. Taking care of myself nutritionally. One fringe benefit of this is that I've never been more fit or felt better physically.
And yes, I have an initial meeting set up with an atty. I have a lot to lose if AH decides to bail. I have to get my ducks in a row.
Also yes, I have felt completely creepy, printing out the romantic (in a jr. high way) e-mails and pics, but instinct tells me he will deny so I might need this.
Thanks again for being here. This whole situation makes my skin crawl.
Many of these posts have me thinking ya'll have a ringside seat to this situation! But sadly, I believe that's because it's all too common.
To clarify a couple of things. The AH is long-term in AA (I do NOT say he's sober b/c as far as I'm concerned, this is dry drunk behavior.) The girlfriend is maybe 3-4 yrs in the program. The emotional affair (which to me is as much a betrayal as physical) shifted from mutual support/friendship to more romantic in the past couple of years.
She is the perfect profile for someone he would take up with. Her marriage is terrible and she's economically dependent on her husband. She is vulnerable and needy. I imagine it's a huge boost to his ego to "help" her and receive all her praise and gratitude.
The AH doesn't work because frankly he doesn't have to, financially. He's smart, educated and talented and I have long wished he would find an occupation other than meetings. But that has to be his decision, not mine.
I agree that I need to figure out what my role has been in all of this. I understand at his age (mid 50s) he's going through changes, as am I. I understand I have been preoccupied with making a living with a very busy career. I understand my earning power is a threat to his ego. This is no excuse for his infidelity, but after so many years, and given that the marriage has been so good in the past, I do want to leave no stone unturned in trying to heal from this.
We are in couples counseling but he stonewalls and blames in the sessions, to the point where at one point the therapist didn't want him there anymore because he was so nasty to me.
We are also seeing the therapist individually. I find her sensible and feel I'm making progress. AH thinks she is "against" him. He doesn't do any of her assignments and readings outside the sessions.
I am reading everything the therapist advises, listening to books on audio, doing yoga, meditation and lots of exercise. Taking care of myself nutritionally. One fringe benefit of this is that I've never been more fit or felt better physically.
And yes, I have an initial meeting set up with an atty. I have a lot to lose if AH decides to bail. I have to get my ducks in a row.
Also yes, I have felt completely creepy, printing out the romantic (in a jr. high way) e-mails and pics, but instinct tells me he will deny so I might need this.
Thanks again for being here. This whole situation makes my skin crawl.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, I'm glad you are involved in Alanon. I have no doubt I would have lost my mind years ago without the principles of Alanon.
I can't emphasize enough to continue your own program of recovery, and to seriously consider getting a sponsor now.
My sponsor has been invaluable to me, a sounding board when my emotions were raw.
Before I got into recovery, I would react...out of fear, out of anger, out of pain.
With a sponsor to listen to me, to help guide me, I no longer have to react.
When the trust is broken, it is difficult, if not impossible to be in a relationship/marriage.
My EXAH had multiple affairs when we were together, and yet I stayed for years because I felt I deserved no better than that. I felt that I was defective, and somehow caused the things that he did.
Please take care of yourself first and foremost, and know that we care. :ghug3
I can't emphasize enough to continue your own program of recovery, and to seriously consider getting a sponsor now.
My sponsor has been invaluable to me, a sounding board when my emotions were raw.
Before I got into recovery, I would react...out of fear, out of anger, out of pain.
With a sponsor to listen to me, to help guide me, I no longer have to react.
When the trust is broken, it is difficult, if not impossible to be in a relationship/marriage.
My EXAH had multiple affairs when we were together, and yet I stayed for years because I felt I deserved no better than that. I felt that I was defective, and somehow caused the things that he did.
Please take care of yourself first and foremost, and know that we care. :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
Real quick - it did occur to me to contact the AH's sponsor about this. I know the sponsor (not well but well enough to bring this up if nec.) but I am not sure how and when to approach him. After the atty, for sure, and after I'm clear on what I want and am willing to do. I'm not sure how I'll know I've reached that point. Thanks again.
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