fiance is an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
KneeC...you will never regret listening to your gut, respecting that still small voice inside you that knows what's right. It is not easy. It may be sad and uncomfortable. But you don't sacrifice your happiness and your life (which is what happens when you marry an A) because it is uncomfortable or painful to make a change! No more martyrs please!
Can you talk to a counselor or trusted friend/family member? Make a little plan? Follow that plan? It really won't be the end of the world. Far more complicated and embarrassing to get married when you know the bear trap you are walking into.
Glad you're here - you're not alone!
peace-
b
Can you talk to a counselor or trusted friend/family member? Make a little plan? Follow that plan? It really won't be the end of the world. Far more complicated and embarrassing to get married when you know the bear trap you are walking into.
Glad you're here - you're not alone!
peace-
b
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Getting married is easy. BEING married is hard, even without alcohol in the mix. Please read this forum and especially the stickies at the top. It will give you a clue what you have to look forward to if you proceed with marriage.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
KneeC,
I really admire your courage and your recognition of knowing what you need to do. Like so many here, we know how hard it is...I'm facing the same thing myself: I know what I have to do, but actually moving through the process just plain s*cks sometimes.
I was talking to my Alanon sponsor yesterday and told her that I don't want to slip back into the relationship with my A after our 1 month "break" that we're taking. But all it took was me merely THINKING about going through all those painful feelings w/ my A again that helped me to clarify that I don't want to do that anymore. That remembering was a good motivator to keep moving forward for myself.
It doesn't make the impending task of ending it any easier, but I've got more clarity for myself. Take good care of yourself, keep posting, and know that you're not alone!
Hugs,
posie
I really admire your courage and your recognition of knowing what you need to do. Like so many here, we know how hard it is...I'm facing the same thing myself: I know what I have to do, but actually moving through the process just plain s*cks sometimes.
I was talking to my Alanon sponsor yesterday and told her that I don't want to slip back into the relationship with my A after our 1 month "break" that we're taking. But all it took was me merely THINKING about going through all those painful feelings w/ my A again that helped me to clarify that I don't want to do that anymore. That remembering was a good motivator to keep moving forward for myself.
It doesn't make the impending task of ending it any easier, but I've got more clarity for myself. Take good care of yourself, keep posting, and know that you're not alone!
Hugs,
posie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
You are so incredibly lucky to have this enlightenment now. And the care, experience,and pearls of wisdom of SR is an invaluale tool. A member posted a vote/poll asking "why did you stay" and the number one so far is the fear of being alone. Although, living with an A, we are somewhat alone anyway. The second two running even pace are family and financial reasons. Love wasn't an option in the poll...
Do you have a plan for YOURSELF?
Do you have a plan for YOURSELF?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I knew my husband had a problem with alcohol when we were dating. I thought that marriage and growing older would take care of it.
In twenty-five years he only drank more and more, grew more and more depressed, grew less and less functional.
I married because I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't know what lonely was until I lived with someone who sometimes acted like my wish to talk with him was a waste of his time.
He went from being a well paid professional to being a handy man, fired because he wasn't doing enough work. His reviews were poor because he kept injuring himself, (quite often while he was home, and drinking) but it effected his ability to do the things he was hired to do. I suspect he was hungover and hard to deal with when he was at work - I know his hands shook terribly in the morning. I know I avoided engaging him in the morning because he was grumpy, and drunk when I got home.
I suspect the interviews he went on for the last year of his life - I'll bet they saw the shakes, too, before he was sent the letter about "so many qualified applicants."
I am alone now. I spent some time regretting that I never had children. But not long - really a day or two. It occurred to me that I would have forever regretted bringing up children to think that life with an alcoholic was normal. I thank my higher power regularly that I didn't do that to a child.
In twenty-five years he only drank more and more, grew more and more depressed, grew less and less functional.
I married because I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't know what lonely was until I lived with someone who sometimes acted like my wish to talk with him was a waste of his time.
He went from being a well paid professional to being a handy man, fired because he wasn't doing enough work. His reviews were poor because he kept injuring himself, (quite often while he was home, and drinking) but it effected his ability to do the things he was hired to do. I suspect he was hungover and hard to deal with when he was at work - I know his hands shook terribly in the morning. I know I avoided engaging him in the morning because he was grumpy, and drunk when I got home.
I suspect the interviews he went on for the last year of his life - I'll bet they saw the shakes, too, before he was sent the letter about "so many qualified applicants."
I am alone now. I spent some time regretting that I never had children. But not long - really a day or two. It occurred to me that I would have forever regretted bringing up children to think that life with an alcoholic was normal. I thank my higher power regularly that I didn't do that to a child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There were all kinds of red flags before I said "I do" with my EXAH.
I chose to ignore those.
Today I've come to accept that life isn't always fair, and you have to walk through the discomfort to get past it.
No good things have come to me without a growth period with some pain involved. The pain is always temporary.
I chose to ignore those.
Today I've come to accept that life isn't always fair, and you have to walk through the discomfort to get past it.
No good things have come to me without a growth period with some pain involved. The pain is always temporary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 34
Awww....thanks ya'll for the support and advice!! I'll tell you this, I am not and let me repeat....AM NOT gotinbg to marry this man, NO WAY! He's not the one!! I've been with him 9 yrs & I know it'll never change. I'm just having a VERY hard time letting go! Letting go is my worst fear. Don't know why. I know once I let go I'll be fine, but like I said....it's the DOING IT, thats so hard!~
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Aaw KneeC
I am in therapy/alanon. BUT this place is the best. Here is a lot of Worldwide Wisdom. Keep coming back. I also admire your strength and courage to admit that you are not going to marry him . Nine years is a long time - it is longer than some marriages here on SR. You need to heal and this place will help you - I promise you.
Hugs
I am in therapy/alanon. BUT this place is the best. Here is a lot of Worldwide Wisdom. Keep coming back. I also admire your strength and courage to admit that you are not going to marry him . Nine years is a long time - it is longer than some marriages here on SR. You need to heal and this place will help you - I promise you.
Hugs
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