He got the papers...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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He got the papers...
Well, here we sort of go. I am *so* trying to stay off that rollercoaster!
I had my attorney file back on the 5th, and had been waiting to hear what I knew would come. And today, I got that phone call. I'd planned not to answer, and since he doesn't have my work schedule, there's no way to know if I would answer. (I don't carry my phone at work, and don't generally answer it.) He's called 5 times, but only left one message.
Anyway, I got a nasty but brief message basically thanking me for *-ing his recovery. Nice.
: Which means that he got served.
I got a similar email, but it wasn't quite as mean:
"Today just became the single most worst day of my life. You just struck a major blow to my recovery."
And I wonder just whose recovery he refers to, because my recovery is coming along quite well, thankyouverymuch. And I'm guessing that someone truly in recovery wouldn't put it that way, because that sounds an awful lot like an A trying to hang on the only way he knows. (I have learned a ton from you guys. I learned a lot from AlAnon, but hearing all your stories, and realizing that they're nearly identical to my own has been huge.)
I do probably need to write him back, but will give him some time to cool off. I don't know if he'll be drunk (and I really don't care), but I'm not going to call. I will probably just email him back. Calling is tough, mostly because his denial is so thick. He swore he was going to fix things up and down so many times. Would have been nice if he'd done so, oh, 7 years ago when we first went into counseling. He's living with his parents, who are staunchly anti-alcohol (for religious reasons.) I don't know how they or he were cursed with this disease. Anyway, his parents will be home from work soon, and if he's drunk, they'll be on him. Bless them, because I just can't do it anymore.
They know this is coming. Maybe not today, but it's been in the works. He should have seen the red flags I've been waving at him. (Like the email about how we needed to divide up the stuff, and I needed to ship the rest of his stuff to him.) He didn't want to talk about it then. He never does. Guess reality is going to hit hard. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid, but I can't control it.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
D
I had my attorney file back on the 5th, and had been waiting to hear what I knew would come. And today, I got that phone call. I'd planned not to answer, and since he doesn't have my work schedule, there's no way to know if I would answer. (I don't carry my phone at work, and don't generally answer it.) He's called 5 times, but only left one message.
Anyway, I got a nasty but brief message basically thanking me for *-ing his recovery. Nice.
: Which means that he got served.I got a similar email, but it wasn't quite as mean:
"Today just became the single most worst day of my life. You just struck a major blow to my recovery."
And I wonder just whose recovery he refers to, because my recovery is coming along quite well, thankyouverymuch. And I'm guessing that someone truly in recovery wouldn't put it that way, because that sounds an awful lot like an A trying to hang on the only way he knows. (I have learned a ton from you guys. I learned a lot from AlAnon, but hearing all your stories, and realizing that they're nearly identical to my own has been huge.)
I do probably need to write him back, but will give him some time to cool off. I don't know if he'll be drunk (and I really don't care), but I'm not going to call. I will probably just email him back. Calling is tough, mostly because his denial is so thick. He swore he was going to fix things up and down so many times. Would have been nice if he'd done so, oh, 7 years ago when we first went into counseling. He's living with his parents, who are staunchly anti-alcohol (for religious reasons.) I don't know how they or he were cursed with this disease. Anyway, his parents will be home from work soon, and if he's drunk, they'll be on him. Bless them, because I just can't do it anymore.
They know this is coming. Maybe not today, but it's been in the works. He should have seen the red flags I've been waving at him. (Like the email about how we needed to divide up the stuff, and I needed to ship the rest of his stuff to him.) He didn't want to talk about it then. He never does. Guess reality is going to hit hard. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid, but I can't control it.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hang tough. My xah did/said the same things and was just relentless with it. He still gets his digs in when he can.
My suggestion would be to ignore him
I only respond if there was/is a direct (and reasonable) question. Everything else I just ignore.
My counselor suggested I could have some responses ready to go if I felt I needed them but in the situation I decided to just say them in my head. That way I could feel some strength from them internally and xah didn't have the opportunity to tear them apart or make me feel bad/confused about them in anyway. I have had enough of trying to defend myself, my feelings, my thoughts. They are real. I matter. He doesn't have to like it, believe it, or understand it. That is totally his problem.
Does that make sense?
It makes me sound kind of nutty and wimpy but it worked for me
.
My suggestion would be to ignore him
I only respond if there was/is a direct (and reasonable) question. Everything else I just ignore. My counselor suggested I could have some responses ready to go if I felt I needed them but in the situation I decided to just say them in my head. That way I could feel some strength from them internally and xah didn't have the opportunity to tear them apart or make me feel bad/confused about them in anyway. I have had enough of trying to defend myself, my feelings, my thoughts. They are real. I matter. He doesn't have to like it, believe it, or understand it. That is totally his problem.
Does that make sense?
It makes me sound kind of nutty and wimpy but it worked for me
.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I suppose, if he were a normal, reasonable person, I would owe him that courtesy.
But then again, he really isn't. So no, I guess I don't need to email him back. Duh. He didn't ask a question at all - just merely made a statement.
Thanks!
This would be why I posted. Ya'll are farther removed and even though we've been minimal-contact for 6 months, and NC for the last month or so, I'm still too close.
But then again, he really isn't. So no, I guess I don't need to email him back. Duh. He didn't ask a question at all - just merely made a statement.
Thanks!
This would be why I posted. Ya'll are farther removed and even though we've been minimal-contact for 6 months, and NC for the last month or so, I'm still too close.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
because my recovery is coming along quite well, thankyouverymuch
Let's keep it that way and delete the messages. NO response is best, and it is healthier not to engage him if he's looking for a reason to relapse.
In my opinion, his recovery is BS anyway. I think he's been working this angle to get things back to his version of normal at some point. Now that you've made it clear with divorce papers that you're moving on and he's not going to get his version of normal back, he intends to give up the recovery schtick and pin the blame for it on you.
If you want to hear more blame and more about how you've destroyed the one chance at a sober life he had, then go ahead and engage.
My wish for you is that you stay on your own side of the street now that you've worked so hard to get over there.
With hope in my heart,
Alice
Let's keep it that way and delete the messages. NO response is best, and it is healthier not to engage him if he's looking for a reason to relapse.
In my opinion, his recovery is BS anyway. I think he's been working this angle to get things back to his version of normal at some point. Now that you've made it clear with divorce papers that you're moving on and he's not going to get his version of normal back, he intends to give up the recovery schtick and pin the blame for it on you.
If you want to hear more blame and more about how you've destroyed the one chance at a sober life he had, then go ahead and engage.
My wish for you is that you stay on your own side of the street now that you've worked so hard to get over there.
With hope in my heart,
Alice
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I like the hook metaphor because my xah is a big fisherman.
The email, the messages..... There are no questions in there. There is nothing in there of any use or value.
It is a hook. He is trying to hook you and reel you back into his messed up life.
I actually pictured my xah casting out those hooks (with a case of beer at his feet of course) and when I saw it fly out and sink down in front of me, I refused to touch it.
He gets crazy when he doesn't catch anything and throws out different hooks from his vast assortment. He has collected many over the years because he has hooked this fish many times.
But! - I am swimming peacefully. He can't even see me.
The email, the messages..... There are no questions in there. There is nothing in there of any use or value.
It is a hook. He is trying to hook you and reel you back into his messed up life.
I actually pictured my xah casting out those hooks (with a case of beer at his feet of course) and when I saw it fly out and sink down in front of me, I refused to touch it.
He gets crazy when he doesn't catch anything and throws out different hooks from his vast assortment. He has collected many over the years because he has hooked this fish many times.
But! - I am swimming peacefully. He can't even see me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Love the metaphor! STBXAH thinks of himself as a fisherman, but rarely got it together enough to actually go fishing. Mostly, I wanted to go to the beach and he'd go and throw the lines out. He actually collected tons of fishing equipment that hardly got used. Same for hunting equipment... the boy has quite the gun collection, most of which he's never fired. (I don't think he could actually kill a deer or a turkey, which he argued was beside the point.) Oh, and all the guns are locked in his parent's gun safe, so that's not an issue. It was a HUGE issue in the marriage, let me tell you. I am SO glad the guns are gone. And the cigarettes. And the cheap, stinky beer. Whew!
Anyway, he called again. Didn't answer. Not going to. I'd turn the ringer off, but have lots of family and girlfriends who are calling with well-wishes and congratulations.
I'm going to channel Dana Carvey channeling George Bush: Not Gonna Do It. Wouldn't be prudent.
Feeling stronger by the minute. Thanks so much for the encouragement. The last 6 months have been amazing, and I'm not going to ruin it.
Oh, and I'm going to Europe for 2 weeks in April. Planning that has given me a huge lift. On with my life.
Anyway, he called again. Didn't answer. Not going to. I'd turn the ringer off, but have lots of family and girlfriends who are calling with well-wishes and congratulations.
I'm going to channel Dana Carvey channeling George Bush: Not Gonna Do It. Wouldn't be prudent.
Feeling stronger by the minute. Thanks so much for the encouragement. The last 6 months have been amazing, and I'm not going to ruin it.
Oh, and I'm going to Europe for 2 weeks in April. Planning that has given me a huge lift. On with my life.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 56
Good for you, DMC! Why not just call one of those friends and have a fun conversation with them? It'll keep the line busy and your thoughts also.
Have a good night! You do already sound stronger!
Have a good night! You do already sound stronger!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
because my recovery is coming along quite well, thankyouverymuch
Let's keep it that way and delete the messages. NO response is best, and it is healthier not to engage him if he's looking for a reason to relapse.
In my opinion, his recovery is BS anyway. I think he's been working this angle to get things back to his version of normal at some point. Now that you've made it clear with divorce papers that you're moving on and he's not going to get his version of normal back, he intends to give up the recovery schtick and pin the blame for it on you.
If you want to hear more blame and more about how you've destroyed the one chance at a sober life he had, then go ahead and engage.
My wish for you is that you stay on your own side of the street now that you've worked so hard to get over there.
With hope in my heart,
Alice
Let's keep it that way and delete the messages. NO response is best, and it is healthier not to engage him if he's looking for a reason to relapse.
In my opinion, his recovery is BS anyway. I think he's been working this angle to get things back to his version of normal at some point. Now that you've made it clear with divorce papers that you're moving on and he's not going to get his version of normal back, he intends to give up the recovery schtick and pin the blame for it on you.
If you want to hear more blame and more about how you've destroyed the one chance at a sober life he had, then go ahead and engage.
My wish for you is that you stay on your own side of the street now that you've worked so hard to get over there.
With hope in my heart,
Alice
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
You did not blow his recovery. That is ca ca. My XAH used lots of hooks that by the grace of HP stopped working on me. NC is the best way to go. It really is because they are crazy people who aren't honest, who are selfish and do not even know the reality of their situation. He has to put you down so he doesn't have to look at what he has done. You have moved on to a positive life. You don't need the negative. Glad you get to go away.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Paris, actually!
He just emailed and apologized for the voicemail, saying that he was angry and it had just happened.
Oh, and his grandfather died today. (I don't know which one, but one he was very close to; both were in poor health.) He's definitely hurting. He did specifically ask if there was a time he could call so we could talk.
I think that email is probably the better option. Probably tomorrow to give him a little time to process. My lawyer suggested that if we could work something out, it would be better. But I'll give it a little more time so it isn't so raw.
I'm just going to stick to the same line I've given him over the last 6 months: you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple of years, and then we'll talk.
I must admit, hearing about his grandfather hit me a little hard. Like I said, he didn't mention which one. One I'd only met once. The other, well...
He just emailed and apologized for the voicemail, saying that he was angry and it had just happened.
Oh, and his grandfather died today. (I don't know which one, but one he was very close to; both were in poor health.) He's definitely hurting. He did specifically ask if there was a time he could call so we could talk.
I think that email is probably the better option. Probably tomorrow to give him a little time to process. My lawyer suggested that if we could work something out, it would be better. But I'll give it a little more time so it isn't so raw.
I'm just going to stick to the same line I've given him over the last 6 months: you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple of years, and then we'll talk.
I must admit, hearing about his grandfather hit me a little hard. Like I said, he didn't mention which one. One I'd only met once. The other, well...
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For the record, he's not really an angry guy. He was a do-nothing. Nothing at all. He'd sit in the garage and read the newspaper for 5 hours. And didn't work. And didn't do anything around the house. Nada. Emotion is foreign. So anger is actually something new for him. Sigh.
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