Pretty Brutal Night
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Pretty Brutal Night
But at least I wasn't here posting hysterically about it all night. I guess that's growth.
Was triggered last night. And by that I mean a PTSD trigger. I came here and posted right after it started. Here's that post.
So I was working on capping it off when STBXAH came over. I forgot he had told our middle son he would work on a school project with him last night. It was ugly. I behaved pretty badly in front of the kids and engaged with him- fighting, raging, bringing up his affair and how he refused to stop talking to OW when we were trying to reconcile, how he lied to me repeatedly, all of it. How he doesn't respect me.
It was really, only, a PTSD trigger. Stuck in the past. Shaking. Crying. Unable to be in the moment, unable to stop thinking about STBXAH and what he's done to me. Unable to snap out of it. I had to take some anti anxiety meds.
He was horrible, telling me the usual stuff, "this is why we can't be together. You'll never get over this. You just want to control me."
I'm so angry today, so freaking angry that 95% of my life is wonderful, joyeous happy and free, but when these things sneak up on me I am 100% out of control and insane. It's a tiny sliver of my life that expands and takes over my universe.
Today I"m ashamed and trying to regain my dignity and the self confidence I wrote about last night, but spent the night repeating my affirmations that I"m leaving him and it's my choice. That I"m free of him and his toxic behaviors. I mean, seriously, it's a simple as
You won't stop talking to that woman, even though you see what it does to me. You don't deserve to be in my life.
But in those triggers, I am squashed like a bug -- believing that there is something wrong with me. That I have screwed up, screwed up my marriage and I am unlovable.
Which is insane. Really.
I have therapy tomorrow and will keep working on how to handle these triggers with my therapist.
I just need to remember that's all this is. A trigger. Not reality. Not important.
It's funny, I used to live my life this way. Seriously. Every day and every night
Was triggered last night. And by that I mean a PTSD trigger. I came here and posted right after it started. Here's that post.
I just went into the store where STBXAH works and bought some specialized meat at the counter next to his. He runs the seafood department, and right next to it is the meat counter. I use a special smoked sausage to make a soup and have been avoiding going in there in order to maintain NC and also because i can get triggered very easily there. It's where he had his affair with the nasty, homeless alcoholic he worked with.
I asked the twenty something little blond girl behind the meat counter for the sausage and of course he came right over and started talking to me. This girl had no idea who I am or what's going on. I"ve never seen her there before. She started blushing and giggling and flirting with him, which is a common reaction women have to this very handsome, very charming, very selfish, manipulative, soon to be ex-husband of mine.
I've had women throw themselves at him for our entire relationship-right in front of me. If you had several hours I could tell you the litany of horrific things he's said and done to me, but my guess is you already know. You've been living it too.
I wanted to kill both of them. Instantly. It was like a solar flare. And while I"m grateful I no longer react with unyeilding pain and torment, grateful that this anger has replaced it, I also know I have to let it go ASAP and get back to my life. Or I will be eaten alive.
For me, I have to acknowledge the feelings I"m having, then let them go and force myself to admit I cannot even THINK about him. Not a luxury I can afford. Not my business. Not my problem.
I'm de-escalating pretty well right now, whereas in the recent past this could have tripped me up for days. But I"m going to get back to the yard work, make burgers for me and the kids and do anything, anything other than call him and scream at him about how he betrayed me. Which is what I want to do.
I think my point is that sometimes this doesn't go away. I believe in time, with NC and working on myself, that it will. But it will take time. It will take my being kind to myself and letting go and not obsessing.
I asked the twenty something little blond girl behind the meat counter for the sausage and of course he came right over and started talking to me. This girl had no idea who I am or what's going on. I"ve never seen her there before. She started blushing and giggling and flirting with him, which is a common reaction women have to this very handsome, very charming, very selfish, manipulative, soon to be ex-husband of mine.
I've had women throw themselves at him for our entire relationship-right in front of me. If you had several hours I could tell you the litany of horrific things he's said and done to me, but my guess is you already know. You've been living it too.
I wanted to kill both of them. Instantly. It was like a solar flare. And while I"m grateful I no longer react with unyeilding pain and torment, grateful that this anger has replaced it, I also know I have to let it go ASAP and get back to my life. Or I will be eaten alive.
For me, I have to acknowledge the feelings I"m having, then let them go and force myself to admit I cannot even THINK about him. Not a luxury I can afford. Not my business. Not my problem.
I'm de-escalating pretty well right now, whereas in the recent past this could have tripped me up for days. But I"m going to get back to the yard work, make burgers for me and the kids and do anything, anything other than call him and scream at him about how he betrayed me. Which is what I want to do.
I think my point is that sometimes this doesn't go away. I believe in time, with NC and working on myself, that it will. But it will take time. It will take my being kind to myself and letting go and not obsessing.
It was really, only, a PTSD trigger. Stuck in the past. Shaking. Crying. Unable to be in the moment, unable to stop thinking about STBXAH and what he's done to me. Unable to snap out of it. I had to take some anti anxiety meds.
He was horrible, telling me the usual stuff, "this is why we can't be together. You'll never get over this. You just want to control me."
I'm so angry today, so freaking angry that 95% of my life is wonderful, joyeous happy and free, but when these things sneak up on me I am 100% out of control and insane. It's a tiny sliver of my life that expands and takes over my universe.
Today I"m ashamed and trying to regain my dignity and the self confidence I wrote about last night, but spent the night repeating my affirmations that I"m leaving him and it's my choice. That I"m free of him and his toxic behaviors. I mean, seriously, it's a simple as
You won't stop talking to that woman, even though you see what it does to me. You don't deserve to be in my life.
But in those triggers, I am squashed like a bug -- believing that there is something wrong with me. That I have screwed up, screwed up my marriage and I am unlovable.
Which is insane. Really.
I have therapy tomorrow and will keep working on how to handle these triggers with my therapist.
I just need to remember that's all this is. A trigger. Not reality. Not important.
It's funny, I used to live my life this way. Seriously. Every day and every night
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I'm sorry you were thrown into that trigger, well done for recognising it and de-escalating, shame he came over later, sure sounds like progress from the last post regarding a trigger you had when you went to the store where he works,
which leads me to 2 questions..... (not attacks, just questions, and forgive me if you've covered them in your other thread, I'm too lazy to track it down)
1) what is so all-out-great about this store that makes it worth bumping into your apparently irresistable-to-young-shop-girl-coworker ex when you know that women melt in his mere presence and that this triggers you....(<aside> does the fish-counter odor confuse their pheromone receptors? in the Uk if you work with food you have to wear an overall and a hairnet and plastic gloves: is it a man-in-uniform-thing he's got going???? [sorry, but you come across as an intelligent, feisty, attractive, go-getting woman, and now I have a mental picture of the lobster-selling lothario you married and I can't quite put you together
] )
2) coming over to help your son with his homework, all very adult and responsible-coparenting stuff in theory, in reality though, at the moment, this:
...is a significant risk, not at all brady bunch, damaging to you, the kids, ?him. Is it worth it? wouldn't co-parenting from a distance be better all round, until such time as (if) you can both deal with each other more reliably?
which leads me to 2 questions..... (not attacks, just questions, and forgive me if you've covered them in your other thread, I'm too lazy to track it down)
1) what is so all-out-great about this store that makes it worth bumping into your apparently irresistable-to-young-shop-girl-coworker ex when you know that women melt in his mere presence and that this triggers you....(<aside> does the fish-counter odor confuse their pheromone receptors? in the Uk if you work with food you have to wear an overall and a hairnet and plastic gloves: is it a man-in-uniform-thing he's got going???? [sorry, but you come across as an intelligent, feisty, attractive, go-getting woman, and now I have a mental picture of the lobster-selling lothario you married and I can't quite put you together
] ) 2) coming over to help your son with his homework, all very adult and responsible-coparenting stuff in theory, in reality though, at the moment, this:
It was ugly. I behaved pretty badly in front of the kids and engaged with him- fighting, raging, bringing up his affair and how he refused to stop talking to OW when we were trying to reconcile, how he lied to me repeatedly, all of it. How he doesn't respect me.
It was really, only, a PTSD trigger. Stuck in the past. Shaking. Crying. Unable to be in the moment, unable to stop thinking about STBXAH and what he's done to me. Unable to snap out of it. I had to take some anti anxiety meds.
He was horrible, telling me the usual stuff, "this is why we can't be together. You'll never get over this. You just want to control me."
It was really, only, a PTSD trigger. Stuck in the past. Shaking. Crying. Unable to be in the moment, unable to stop thinking about STBXAH and what he's done to me. Unable to snap out of it. I had to take some anti anxiety meds.
He was horrible, telling me the usual stuff, "this is why we can't be together. You'll never get over this. You just want to control me."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
You are not alone. I know you read my post about the girl at the park.
I cannot drive through an entire zipcode in my city due to the PTSD that I have regarding deceit and other women.
It is so hard, and I just tell myself, let them at 'im. HE is a lousy liar.
I can tell by the way you wrote that you still find him attractive. My A is also handsome and charming. It is crazy. I feel like I betray my soul when I feel attracted to him.
It is your choice, and by the letter, it SHOULD be easy, it SHOULD be a matter of course to walk away, because he VIOLATED you...BUT,
it is not always that easy. I am sorry you got triggered. I know how it feels to want to puch them both in the face. There is no shame in that.
keep going! You are doing great. Minor setback.
I cannot drive through an entire zipcode in my city due to the PTSD that I have regarding deceit and other women.
It is so hard, and I just tell myself, let them at 'im. HE is a lousy liar.
I can tell by the way you wrote that you still find him attractive. My A is also handsome and charming. It is crazy. I feel like I betray my soul when I feel attracted to him.
It is your choice, and by the letter, it SHOULD be easy, it SHOULD be a matter of course to walk away, because he VIOLATED you...BUT,
it is not always that easy. I am sorry you got triggered. I know how it feels to want to puch them both in the face. There is no shame in that.
keep going! You are doing great. Minor setback.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Guys
Yes Jen, co-parenting from a distance is what we do, since the last trigger a few weeks ago. Thank you for being kind. I have NC firmly in place. I was suppose to be at a meeting last night, and STBX was coming over to a) watch the kids and b) help the boy with his project. I wasn't suppose to be here, but the meeting was cancelled.
I am actively practicing NO CONTACT
After the initial outburst (of mine) we didn't fight or do any of those ugly things in front of the kids. I left, went shopping again, and they were in bed when I got back and we did our merry go round blame game. In the garage. So please, I know how bad this is for the kids. We're all in therapy. I'm already feeling sh1tty enough so those of you tempted to remind me "what about the children?" I've got that covered.
I've had triggers about my mother for 20 years, but haven't seen her in that long and didn't know what they were. Now that I do, it's almost worse. Before I just spun in chaos and pain and blaming. Stuck. Now, getting out of it is hard work.
Yes Jen, co-parenting from a distance is what we do, since the last trigger a few weeks ago. Thank you for being kind. I have NC firmly in place. I was suppose to be at a meeting last night, and STBX was coming over to a) watch the kids and b) help the boy with his project. I wasn't suppose to be here, but the meeting was cancelled.
I am actively practicing NO CONTACT
After the initial outburst (of mine) we didn't fight or do any of those ugly things in front of the kids. I left, went shopping again, and they were in bed when I got back and we did our merry go round blame game. In the garage. So please, I know how bad this is for the kids. We're all in therapy. I'm already feeling sh1tty enough so those of you tempted to remind me "what about the children?" I've got that covered.
I've had triggers about my mother for 20 years, but haven't seen her in that long and didn't know what they were. Now that I do, it's almost worse. Before I just spun in chaos and pain and blaming. Stuck. Now, getting out of it is hard work.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
We're all in therapy.
Between working this this board, getting your RL support, NC and boundaries... And therapy for all?! - Do you realize that you're doing all the right things? It's pretty amazing if you ask me.
Between working this this board, getting your RL support, NC and boundaries... And therapy for all?! - Do you realize that you're doing all the right things? It's pretty amazing if you ask me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sorry for everyone. This is such a horrible feeling.
When I moved into nausea and contempt is when I was finally free of the triggers. I look back and celebrate the first day when I was exposed to "his" latest smarmy, classless interaction with a woman in front of me -- and instead of the gut-level thoughts of "why can't I be treated like her/I must win against her" I thought "omg where is the ladies' room - I am literally going to puke."
Where his physical beauty had once been my badge of honor ("I have him, you don't") it came to literally make me sick. One day I just woke up different; I saw his latest flirtation, and thought: You are a sickening, sad piece of sh*t and you need this to keep your gonads all a-tingle. How gross.
Last time around, it was May 8, 2000. I still hold a sort of minor celebration on that day every year.
That day does come, honestly it does. If you did some strong visualization exercises around it, maybe it would come even sooner? Because that kind of dynamic -- the handsome-guy worshipper meeting the onanistic ego-stroking -- really is gross. Isn't it?
P.S. JenT, I literally sprayed coffee on my monitor at "lobster selling lothario."
When I moved into nausea and contempt is when I was finally free of the triggers. I look back and celebrate the first day when I was exposed to "his" latest smarmy, classless interaction with a woman in front of me -- and instead of the gut-level thoughts of "why can't I be treated like her/I must win against her" I thought "omg where is the ladies' room - I am literally going to puke."
Where his physical beauty had once been my badge of honor ("I have him, you don't") it came to literally make me sick. One day I just woke up different; I saw his latest flirtation, and thought: You are a sickening, sad piece of sh*t and you need this to keep your gonads all a-tingle. How gross.
Last time around, it was May 8, 2000. I still hold a sort of minor celebration on that day every year.
That day does come, honestly it does. If you did some strong visualization exercises around it, maybe it would come even sooner? Because that kind of dynamic -- the handsome-guy worshipper meeting the onanistic ego-stroking -- really is gross. Isn't it?
P.S. JenT, I literally sprayed coffee on my monitor at "lobster selling lothario."
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I understand your anger
Do you have a healthy way of getting this out of your system?? A gym somewhere you could use to burn off this steam??
We all make mistakes by displaying loud shouting matches in front of our kids. They suffer for it and carry it on to their relationships.
Do you have a healthy way of getting this out of your system?? A gym somewhere you could use to burn off this steam??
We all make mistakes by displaying loud shouting matches in front of our kids. They suffer for it and carry it on to their relationships.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
GL I had to go back and read this,
and it' hilarious. Yes, lots of folks have asked me wtf I'm doing with him. My favorite, a friend obsessed with astrology said, "what are you doing with that fish boy for? (he's a pisces) You're a Dragon! You'll incinerate him!" I think she's mixing up chinese and western astrology there cause I thought I was a lion.
Yes, GL I feel sick to my stomach about this and about him. I need to find the magic wand to deactivate my abandonment button. Then none of this will be able to touch me.
And I know he's not a good match for me. Lately, I have a very wealthy, beautiful, well respected lawyer calling me. Asking me out. But I know I"m too damaged to date him. It makes me feel insecure just looking at his leather clad Volvo SUV.
And yes I have a healthy way of exercising the anger away. It's my lifeline. Bikram yoga. Look it up. You'll be amazed!
sorry, but you come across as an intelligent, feisty, attractive, go-getting woman, and now I have a mental picture of the lobster-selling lothario you married and I can't quite put you together
Yes, GL I feel sick to my stomach about this and about him. I need to find the magic wand to deactivate my abandonment button. Then none of this will be able to touch me.
And I know he's not a good match for me. Lately, I have a very wealthy, beautiful, well respected lawyer calling me. Asking me out. But I know I"m too damaged to date him. It makes me feel insecure just looking at his leather clad Volvo SUV.
And yes I have a healthy way of exercising the anger away. It's my lifeline. Bikram yoga. Look it up. You'll be amazed!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sorry you went through that transform, I agree when we take them off the pedestal and feel nausea more than anything, it is great, LOL. When you are actually repeled and no longer attracted and when it really sinks in its SO NOT your fault he is who he is.
I got therapy tonight and I also made some mistakes yesterday... I am counting the hours to be able to hear her take on things.
I got therapy tonight and I also made some mistakes yesterday... I am counting the hours to be able to hear her take on things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Yes the PTSD and the OW. STBXAH in rehab no 14 - 2 min from her house. I am no contact with him and I texed her previous Sunday after visitation : "so how is he doing?" Never told you guys - was ashamed of my reaction. You are not alone. I also dusted myself off and went on business as usual. Like Buffalo said - minor setback and you did well!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Big awakening for me one day was when I thought to myself: If he wasn't great-looking, would I be suffering like this? How much of my self-image is tied to being attractive to a great-looking guy that all the other girls covet? What a recipe for abandonment triggers that was (ask me how I know). I started carrying around a picture of an ugly dude in my wallet, so I could look at it and say, "If he looked like THAT, would I be letting him jerk me around like this right now?" The answer wasn't exactly flattering to me, but that ugly truth set me free.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
[sorry, but you come across as an intelligent, feisty, attractive, go-getting woman, and now I have a mental picture of the lobster-selling lothario you married and I can't quite put you together
Cause yeah, I have seen them near the lobster tanks at the big supermarkets.
lobster selling lothario!
and, ack!
My last ex was a pisces too!!!!
edited to add,
visualization is great, he is a pisces, imagine him as a fish.
or a lobster!
lives on the bottom of the ocean, a bottom feeder!
all wet and clammy, and stinky.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Thanks Guys
Yes Jen, co-parenting from a distance is what we do, since the last trigger a few weeks ago. Thank you for being kind. I have NC firmly in place. I was suppose to be at a meeting last night, and STBX was coming over to a) watch the kids and b) help the boy with his project. I wasn't suppose to be here, but the meeting was cancelled.
I am actively practicing NO CONTACT
After the initial outburst (of mine) we didn't fight or do any of those ugly things in front of the kids. I left, went shopping again, and they were in bed when I got back and we did our merry go round blame game. In the garage. So please, I know how bad this is for the kids. We're all in therapy. I'm already feeling sh1tty enough so those of you tempted to remind me "what about the children?" I've got that covered.
I've had triggers about my mother for 20 years, but haven't seen her in that long and didn't know what they were. Now that I do, it's almost worse. Before I just spun in chaos and pain and blaming. Stuck. Now, getting out of it is hard work.
Yes Jen, co-parenting from a distance is what we do, since the last trigger a few weeks ago. Thank you for being kind. I have NC firmly in place. I was suppose to be at a meeting last night, and STBX was coming over to a) watch the kids and b) help the boy with his project. I wasn't suppose to be here, but the meeting was cancelled.
I am actively practicing NO CONTACT
After the initial outburst (of mine) we didn't fight or do any of those ugly things in front of the kids. I left, went shopping again, and they were in bed when I got back and we did our merry go round blame game. In the garage. So please, I know how bad this is for the kids. We're all in therapy. I'm already feeling sh1tty enough so those of you tempted to remind me "what about the children?" I've got that covered.
I've had triggers about my mother for 20 years, but haven't seen her in that long and didn't know what they were. Now that I do, it's almost worse. Before I just spun in chaos and pain and blaming. Stuck. Now, getting out of it is hard work.
Sweetheart - I am in the same boat with the triggers and trying to do the co-parenting from a distance with no contact. It's the only way to protect myself from the crazy making behaviour.
The pattern of the merry go round becomes a little different after you go no contact:
A does something crazy
I don't react
A does something crazier
I don't react
A does something/says something so outlandish/untrue
I react
A points fingers and says "See, it's him"
A claims I am being abusive and treating her poorly
I become a nervous wreck for three days and get back on the no contact kick
I settle down.....until the next episode.
Luckily the episodes are fewer and farther between.
It's all about control & bullying.
I'm at that point I didn't want to be at - no contact with the other parent, which is horrible when there are kids involved.
It's hurts.
She gets drunk around the child. I protest and she cries 'abuse'.
Repeat and rinse.
Round and round it goes..............
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I"m not even sure I"m attracted to him anymore. His hands use to drive me crazy. But now when I look at him I'm just grateful I don't have to deal with his drinking and disregarding my feelings. And the way being around him makes me doubt myself, feel unloved and like a crazy person. The whole package is so unattractive to me.
He texted me and said we should "talk" about what happened last night. I'm sure my response was not exactly up to the Al anon standards I"ve been maintaining but don't care. I feel better. I told him to eff off.
I just want my happy place back. The stable, I don't care about you anymore place. It'll come I know it will. Just gotta stay the hell away from him.
He texted me and said we should "talk" about what happened last night. I'm sure my response was not exactly up to the Al anon standards I"ve been maintaining but don't care. I feel better. I told him to eff off.
I just want my happy place back. The stable, I don't care about you anymore place. It'll come I know it will. Just gotta stay the hell away from him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hey transformie, why not consider staying out of that store? that's his realm, really. his kingdom. he's the MAN there.
just stay out of there.
really, are some smoke sausages worth your hard earned peace of mind? i think not!
naive xx
just stay out of there.
really, are some smoke sausages worth your hard earned peace of mind? i think not!
naive xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
Seriously...are they all the same. Mu husband flirts and behaves extremely innappropriatly towards other women sometimes in front of my face and when I call him on it he outright denies it or says I misinterpreted it and somehow makes me out to be the bad guy. Honestly, I read other peoples posts that reflect my life and I see myself in what others write and I cannot believe what I put up with. We all seem to put up with almost the exact same behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by justsomegirl
Seriously...are they all the same. Mu husband flirts and behaves extremely innappropriatly towards other women sometimes in front of my face and when I call him on it he outright denies it or says I misinterpreted it and somehow makes me out to be the bad guy.
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