Pretty Brutal Night
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
Yup! Its gaslighting! I googled it~!
Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.
"In verbal gaslighting, as in the 1944 movie of that name, the perpetrator attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and judgments and accept those of the abuser. This may be done intentionally or unconsciously, but when the victim loses confidence in their own judgment they become easily swayed and accept the perpetrator's point of view, plan or decision.
Since cumulative emotional trauma creates psychological damage much more often than single traumatic incidents, when gaslighting is repetitive and intense, overall mental health may be affected and growing self-doubt can lead to emotional breakdown or even suicide in the victim"
Thats the first time I have heard of that term...thank you!
Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.
"In verbal gaslighting, as in the 1944 movie of that name, the perpetrator attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and judgments and accept those of the abuser. This may be done intentionally or unconsciously, but when the victim loses confidence in their own judgment they become easily swayed and accept the perpetrator's point of view, plan or decision.
Since cumulative emotional trauma creates psychological damage much more often than single traumatic incidents, when gaslighting is repetitive and intense, overall mental health may be affected and growing self-doubt can lead to emotional breakdown or even suicide in the victim"
Thats the first time I have heard of that term...thank you!
Last edited by GiveLove; 03-22-2010 at 01:21 PM. Reason: Removed commercial link
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by justsomegirl 
Yup! Its gaslighting! I googled it~!
Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.
"In verbal gaslighting, as in the 1944 movie of that name, the perpetrator attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and judgments and accept those of the abuser. This may be done intentionally or unconsciously, but when the victim loses confidence in their own judgment they become easily swayed and accept the perpetrator's point of view, plan or decision.
Since cumulative emotional trauma creates psychological damage much more often than single traumatic incidents, when gaslighting is repetitive and intense, overall mental health may be affected and growing self-doubt can lead to emotional breakdown or even suicide in the victim"
Thats the first time I have heard of that term...thank you!
Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.
"In verbal gaslighting, as in the 1944 movie of that name, the perpetrator attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and judgments and accept those of the abuser. This may be done intentionally or unconsciously, but when the victim loses confidence in their own judgment they become easily swayed and accept the perpetrator's point of view, plan or decision.
Since cumulative emotional trauma creates psychological damage much more often than single traumatic incidents, when gaslighting is repetitive and intense, overall mental health may be affected and growing self-doubt can lead to emotional breakdown or even suicide in the victim"
Thats the first time I have heard of that term...thank you!
In my experience it causes low level anxiety that pervades your very existence. It gradually increases in intensity and you begin to feel the weight psychologically and emotionally. I got so mired in it that I was nearly broken, and I truly believe my exA knew what she was doing. It was a nightmare. I'm glad I snapped out of it in time. Others do not.
Apparently it is a common technique used in torture.
For our A's I believe it is a natural outcropping of denial.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Naive-
I know you're right. This isn't the first time this has happened. Each time, I'm feeling strong and dont' give a crap about him, but my PTSD doesn't care how long it's been or hard I've worked. IT's hard because not only does this store have specialty foods I can't find anywhere else, but I still get the discount. The sausage isn't really that important, but some bulk herbs and remedies are. Those items aren't right next to his kingdom, though and i go in there and get them with no problem.
Tomorrow in therapy we'll be going over different techniques for preventing and capping off the triggers.
To me, this is the crux of my problem. He might as well be spitting in your face. This isn't love. It's sick.
In a healthy relationship, folks don't do things that hurt one another. Not intentionally anyway. I've seen it and know it exists. And not only did my AH do these same things that yours did, but he had an affair, blamed me for it, came home and refused to stop talking to her.
In my family, people are quite cruel to each other. Teasing, or otherwise being hurtful, then saying, oh don't take it so personally. What's wrong with you?
It makes me furious. My dad (before i stopped talking to him) actually interrupted me once while I was talking at dinner with my aunt and cousins and said, "you know Transform. No one cares about what you're talking about."
As an adult, I was able to see that for what it is and go no contact with him. It was ugly, and took about six weeks of emailing back and forth, laying out my boundaries and having him respond with denials, blame shifting and gas lighting.
But as a child, I just felt like sh1t. And internalized those messages. Set the stage for this oh so lovely relationship with a man who disrespects me.
Now a days i know it's unhealthy, I know I don't want it, I work hard to identify the ways that i self sabatage and still be kind to myself. It's hard hard work, but I know from experience that hard work pays off.
Right now I'm so angry though. God. He texted me, "I wish things could be different." I responded--for the last time-- "Not enough to change."
Now I"m done. I also told him not to come over. At all. To wait in the car when he picks up the kids. You know the drill I said.
I know you're right. This isn't the first time this has happened. Each time, I'm feeling strong and dont' give a crap about him, but my PTSD doesn't care how long it's been or hard I've worked. IT's hard because not only does this store have specialty foods I can't find anywhere else, but I still get the discount. The sausage isn't really that important, but some bulk herbs and remedies are. Those items aren't right next to his kingdom, though and i go in there and get them with no problem.
Tomorrow in therapy we'll be going over different techniques for preventing and capping off the triggers.
Mu husband flirts and behaves extremely innappropriatly towards other women sometimes in front of my face and when I call him on it he outright denies it or says I misinterpreted it and somehow makes me out to be the bad guy.
In a healthy relationship, folks don't do things that hurt one another. Not intentionally anyway. I've seen it and know it exists. And not only did my AH do these same things that yours did, but he had an affair, blamed me for it, came home and refused to stop talking to her.
In my family, people are quite cruel to each other. Teasing, or otherwise being hurtful, then saying, oh don't take it so personally. What's wrong with you?
It makes me furious. My dad (before i stopped talking to him) actually interrupted me once while I was talking at dinner with my aunt and cousins and said, "you know Transform. No one cares about what you're talking about."
As an adult, I was able to see that for what it is and go no contact with him. It was ugly, and took about six weeks of emailing back and forth, laying out my boundaries and having him respond with denials, blame shifting and gas lighting.
But as a child, I just felt like sh1t. And internalized those messages. Set the stage for this oh so lovely relationship with a man who disrespects me.
Now a days i know it's unhealthy, I know I don't want it, I work hard to identify the ways that i self sabatage and still be kind to myself. It's hard hard work, but I know from experience that hard work pays off.
Right now I'm so angry though. God. He texted me, "I wish things could be different." I responded--for the last time-- "Not enough to change."
Now I"m done. I also told him not to come over. At all. To wait in the car when he picks up the kids. You know the drill I said.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Have you looked in EDMR? It's very good with post traumatic stress and triggers. I've done it myself in the last few months, and it's so weird, but it works. It doesn't sound like it would, but it does.
It's inexpensive and harmless, and if it didn't work, it would have no risk (unlike drugs therapy). Consider it. It's like someone goes into your head and takes out unwanted thoughts/reactions.
It's inexpensive and harmless, and if it didn't work, it would have no risk (unlike drugs therapy). Consider it. It's like someone goes into your head and takes out unwanted thoughts/reactions.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I had fantastic results with EMDR. It costs the same as therapy, and it is widely used and respected treatment for PTSD.
My A would have no hooks into me at all if it were not for his gaslighting and the way that I am wired to respond to that. I have trouble walking away when he leaves the situation with a lie blaming me for his transgressions.
At this point he has become so out there that it has become a question of HIS sanity for sure. He is now really believing his lies...but there is still a voice in my head that says,,,hmmm maybe I am just that whacked out and wounded. Maybe it IS just me.
As far as OW go...its just gross. my A is now staying with a 24 year old student who is starry eyed over him. He claims they are just friends, and really, she is not his type at all. But she drives him around so he doesn't have to drive drunk.
Just 2 weeks ago he was here trying to make it work, a week ago he went to attempt rehab (did not stay), and now he is running with her everyday wearing her college track suit. He is 31. WHen I saw the 2 of them in their matching suits running around the neighborhood, I truly thought, wow...she is really getting bamboozled. It was surreal.
I mean, I think exercise is great, dont get me wrong, but...c'mon...Its just creepy. All I can see is him being some kind of lightweight predator, and she has obviously had some kind of co dependent family alcoholism thing. It just reeks of yuck.
And, no, I am not over it, and it is still gnawing at me a little each day.
I just wake up each morning and ask for the strength to not engage with him. I am failing miserably. So angry. But I have to keep trying. I have to live MY life again.
My A would have no hooks into me at all if it were not for his gaslighting and the way that I am wired to respond to that. I have trouble walking away when he leaves the situation with a lie blaming me for his transgressions.
At this point he has become so out there that it has become a question of HIS sanity for sure. He is now really believing his lies...but there is still a voice in my head that says,,,hmmm maybe I am just that whacked out and wounded. Maybe it IS just me.
As far as OW go...its just gross. my A is now staying with a 24 year old student who is starry eyed over him. He claims they are just friends, and really, she is not his type at all. But she drives him around so he doesn't have to drive drunk.
Just 2 weeks ago he was here trying to make it work, a week ago he went to attempt rehab (did not stay), and now he is running with her everyday wearing her college track suit. He is 31. WHen I saw the 2 of them in their matching suits running around the neighborhood, I truly thought, wow...she is really getting bamboozled. It was surreal.
I mean, I think exercise is great, dont get me wrong, but...c'mon...Its just creepy. All I can see is him being some kind of lightweight predator, and she has obviously had some kind of co dependent family alcoholism thing. It just reeks of yuck.
And, no, I am not over it, and it is still gnawing at me a little each day.
I just wake up each morning and ask for the strength to not engage with him. I am failing miserably. So angry. But I have to keep trying. I have to live MY life again.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I feel your pain, I've had some serious pstd from my past so I feel your pain
But the ONLY answer here is no contact.
It can be done even with kids involved. When you're ready for the pain to stop and you decide no contact for good, you won't have anymore of these triggers.
For some reason, you feel you deserve to be emotionally tortured so you keep the dance going.
It's a big possibility you went into where he works not to get food, but because somewhere inside you felt you needed to keep the "dance" alive because you feel by having contact will sooth your pain. It never does, it always takes more away from the soul and keeps the stress alive.
I really feel your pain, You want to stop, but you can't. You just can't!
You Dad says "no one is listening' well dammit, you're going to keep at it with your ex until he listens to you.......He never will, because unhealthy people have no end, they just don't listen to anyone.
be gentle with yourself ((((hug))))
But the ONLY answer here is no contact.
It can be done even with kids involved. When you're ready for the pain to stop and you decide no contact for good, you won't have anymore of these triggers.
For some reason, you feel you deserve to be emotionally tortured so you keep the dance going.
It's a big possibility you went into where he works not to get food, but because somewhere inside you felt you needed to keep the "dance" alive because you feel by having contact will sooth your pain. It never does, it always takes more away from the soul and keeps the stress alive.
I really feel your pain, You want to stop, but you can't. You just can't!
You Dad says "no one is listening' well dammit, you're going to keep at it with your ex until he listens to you.......He never will, because unhealthy people have no end, they just don't listen to anyone.
be gentle with yourself ((((hug))))
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
@ Buffalo Gal's
I mean, I think exercise is great, dont get me wrong
And bucyn
It's like someone goes into your head and takes out unwanted thoughts/reactions.
And Summer Peachy:
It's a big possibility you went into where he works not to get food, but because somewhere inside you felt you needed to keep the "dance" alive because you feel by having contact will sooth your pain.
My feeling alive from NC with AH is the biggest thrill of my life-and I"ve had plenty. It makes me feel more alive than anything, because I'm changing myself, I'm learning about myself, I"m in a place I've never been before and I'm seeing what I can do without the constricts of that ridiculous obsession.
But this pattern has to stop. The only thing that cycles me around from my happy place are these triggers. The PTSD. It's not self sabatage, it's arrogance, not protecting myself fully. But I won't stop until I've sorted out how to eliminate it. In between, and overshadowing, these triggers are fantastical periods of loving my life, working hard and spending time with people who really do love and respect me. It's just that you guys only get the bad stuff, cause I come here for support.
For some reason, you feel you deserve to be emotionally tortured so you keep the dance going.
With my A business partner, I didn't go to the meeting on Friday because I had hit that anger stage and knew I would tell him what a piece of sh1t he is. Not productive. Hurts me in the long run.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh Transformie, I am sorry but it has been ages (last Sat) since I had electricity supply and now I am back online, and your thread comes out with your "lobster Lothario".
Honey, I fought it, but it was just too irresistible and I have to send this image.
It is probably what you would like to do to him anyway. Forgive me.
God bless
Honey, I fought it, but it was just too irresistible and I have to send this image.
It is probably what you would like to do to him anyway. Forgive me.
God bless
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi T,
There are two parts to dealing with PTSD and triggers which you will find out about. The first is grounding techniques - focusing on being VERY PRESENT minded, recognizing the difference between the past and the present. The second is understanding the problem, forgiving and moving forward.
There are many techniques and strategies, but the main point is that you have to train your mind to react differently to present situations. Being in the Here and Now is essential. The mind really has no sense of time unless you put perimeters on it.
It sounds like you have started to get a handle on things and just need to practice the follow through. It is very hard after everything we go through with our A's but essential for us to move forward and not remain stuck. It works for all the bad memories in our lives. I think our generation focuses too much on the c**p from the past and our woundedness and not enough on how to forgive and move forward from it which what we have to do. My father had a saying when I was a child when I said my prayers at night - "nothing is a mistake if you can learn from it".
I have realized through my life and others' lives that mistakes are part of how we figure things out about what to do and what not to do. I don't think the goal is to live a perfect life but to weather it better. Hang on and keep moving forward - everything will work out.
There are two parts to dealing with PTSD and triggers which you will find out about. The first is grounding techniques - focusing on being VERY PRESENT minded, recognizing the difference between the past and the present. The second is understanding the problem, forgiving and moving forward.
There are many techniques and strategies, but the main point is that you have to train your mind to react differently to present situations. Being in the Here and Now is essential. The mind really has no sense of time unless you put perimeters on it.
It sounds like you have started to get a handle on things and just need to practice the follow through. It is very hard after everything we go through with our A's but essential for us to move forward and not remain stuck. It works for all the bad memories in our lives. I think our generation focuses too much on the c**p from the past and our woundedness and not enough on how to forgive and move forward from it which what we have to do. My father had a saying when I was a child when I said my prayers at night - "nothing is a mistake if you can learn from it".
I have realized through my life and others' lives that mistakes are part of how we figure things out about what to do and what not to do. I don't think the goal is to live a perfect life but to weather it better. Hang on and keep moving forward - everything will work out.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
There are many techniques and strategies, but the main point is that you have to train your mind to react differently to present situations. Being in the Here and Now is essential. The mind really has no sense of time unless you put perimeters on it. It sounds like you have started to get a handle on things and just need to practice the follow through
I was thinking just now about how unattractive STBXAH is to me. How glad I am to not be living with him, not have to deal with his drinking, his episodes, the idiocy. Even during the triggers, it's not love, it's just black magic.
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