Kind_Not_Weak

I began therapy yesterday, and as soon as I opened my mouth… I felt it all just falling apart. All the walls just crumbled and I just choked up. Dealing with the fallout from the break up from axbf and my son’s drug/alcohol issues… I’d been keeping it together for the most part. But, yesterday… the scab just got ripped off. I’ve been a raw mess ever since. I’ve not cried over any of it, I didn’t even know it was all there… lurking.

Then today… double whammy.

The xabf called and we spoke candidly, for the first time. No anger, no joking, just me telling him how I really felt. I started to cry, but that was ok. I didn’t try to hide it, I was honestly hurting. There was no real resolution, not that such a thing really exists. I did say to him that he was to me what whisky is to him. At first, he thought I was joking… then he realized I was dead serious. That really hit home for him, put it in terms he could understand, I suppose. He admitted to being selfish and manipulative, and the master of mixed messages. Yeah, he sounded sincere, but it really doesn’t matter anymore. One very interesting thing he said, out of nowhere… “I know what addiction has already stolen from you in your life, I hate that I’ve added to that. I’m truly sorry.” He also said that if someone asks me out, that he hopes I go. Whatever… hearing his voice used to make me feel happy and light, now it just makes me feel exhausted.

Then, my son called. I’ve not heard from him in over a week. I could tell he was loaded… his voice was slurry and he was crying… all he said was “I’m sorry, Mommy. I love you.” And then he hung up. He didn’t answer the phone when I called back, I don’t know where he is. I know he’s losing his apartment at the end of the month, but when I spoke to him briefly week before last, he said he was moving his stuff into storage that weekend.

There’s nothing to do but cry right now.

freefalling

Cry all you need to

I am sorry for your pain.

bookwyrm

wicked

Oh klm,
when they call me mommy, oh my.

beth

posiesperson

klm,

I'm sending you hugs, too. I really identified with the feeling that after talking to xabf you used to feel elated, but now you feel exhausted. It's like the "fix" is no longer fixing anything... And the heartbreak with your son must be tremendous, I'm so sorry to hear that he's struggling. Maybe he is feeling his pain, too, and pain can motivate change.

Know that you are getting better...you are seeing and feeling it all, and you are okay. Keep crying, it's a wonderful release.

Thinking of you,
posie

coffeedrinker

This broke my heart.

Just over a week ago, my daughter ended up in the emergency room due to drinking way too much, way too quickly. We had a tearful conversation, and four days ago I realized she wasn't ready to get sober.

My ABF has told me four or five times in the past several months just how sorry he is for what he did to me through his addiction, and one of those times he had an understanding - through wanting to help a non-sober friend -of what that may have felt like to his loved ones.

I completely understand your heartbreak. My relationship is dying - I am choosing to leave - and my swallowed tears are now streaming.

I can't help but think that at least some of this pain is bringing me to a better place - and that helps A LOT. I hope it can give you some comfort as well.

Kind_Not_Weak

Coffee... I kept up with your story of your daughter... and I'm sorry to hear that she is not ready to stop. It's heartbreaking, I know.

We are in such a similar place. I sit here and try to think of the "right thing to say" and I have nothing. I feel so raw and used up. My XABF really does love me, but he can't be the person I need in my life. I feel so let down by this, because... I don't know why. All I know is that it hurts and I'm starting to cry again. I have saved the voice mail from my son, what if those are the last words I ever hear from him? Is he safe? Is he warm? Hungry? I don't know.

I just want to lay down and sleep for a long time. I want to wake up and this all be better. It's times like this that I understand why people drink. If I could hide from this feeling, I would. But I can't. I don't have the luxury of that selfishness.

I actually had a good day today. And I felt twinges of guilt. How can I have a good day and laugh when my son is in trouble? How can I continue to go to the grocery store? Shouldn't I be looking for him, dragging him somewhere safe? I know I can't do that, I know it's the wrong thing to do. And the one person I want to talk to is Rob, but I can't talk to him, because that's not the right thing to do, either.

This is awful. It's just awful and I'm sorry that you are going through it, too. I have to believe this is going to become something good at some point. That we will be able to look back on this and respect the lessons learned. I hope we can find that one day.

Buffalo66

I am so sorry. Having a son in the wind like that must be so hard. I will keep you in my prayers.