SheCanRun

Friday night started out pretty normal. (Que ominous music here). I was in the kitchen preparing dinner for the boys when AH came up from the basement. He's been on a "save the marriage" campaign for several weeks now and he's always in my face, coming on to me, trying to touch & hug me, making sexual comments, wanting sex etc. I'm planning a divorce in my head & he's planning a recommitment ceremony.

I thought I smelled alcohol on him. I was early evening and usually if he's already had a drink that early I know it will be a long night. I decided to find out so I could prepare if the drinking had already started. He had been harassing me all day about sex and I had been trying to work out in my head how to get out of it.

My plan was to head down to the basement to start some laundry and then I could take a look around & try to find the cup and verify my suspicion.

He followed me into the bathroom and when we got in there he grabbed both of my wrists. Hard. He tried to move me toward the sink. I think he was going to try and bend me over it. I resisted and said no or stop.

He continued holding my wrists for a little while, squeezing them. Staring at me with rage. His eyes were huge and scary. He was so pissed that I was resisting. As if getting grabbed and being pushed over a sink is romantic... wow, what a lucky girl I am. I should be considering that foreplay right? WTF is my problem?

I was scared but calm. I was freaking out inside. He let my wrists go but immediately started in on me. It got louder and there was yelling. I asked him to please move to I could leave. I said I don't want to have this conversation. I kept asking and asking. I eventually started crying.

Because of the shape/size of the bathroom and the fact that he had me backed against the edge of the tub I could not leave the room without him moving out of my way. He was yelling that NO I could not leave and that I owed it to him to stay and listen to him. The yelling went on & on. At one point my 9 yr old came to the bedroom door and AH yelled twice at him to go away.

I continued to calmly ask him to move, and tried on several occasions to get past him.

This probably went on for 20 minutes or so. Him tearing me apart, accussing me of things. Saying very ugly things about me. Physically preventing me from leaving.

I eventually sat down on the toilet and started putting on my shoes. Thank god they were in there. I grabbed my toothbrush. I told him I was leaving the house. At that point I was able to push past him & he did not resist.

I ran grabbing a change of clothes (I had a presentation at a women's forum the next morning), my phone, my keys. I was crying. My oldest was asking what is wrong Mom???

He was following me around still talking loud. I knew he would not let me leave with the boys. It was one of those split second decisions you have to make. Run and live or stay and risk it all. I left them. I did feel that they would be okay in his care. I do not feel that he would intentionally harm them. If I thought he would have hurt them I would have done some thing different.

I drove to a girlfriends and called the police. They asked what I wanted to do about the situation. I did not know. They asked if I wanted an officer to go over there. I didn't know. I asked what would happen if one went over to the house, they said they would arrest him. I chose not to do that.

I have not been back. I am filing for divorce this week.
I had my boys yesterday and all day today. He has them tonight.

I am at a friends where I will be staying until something else can be worked out.

I will not speak to him except via txt and email. He will not stop calling the house where I am, texting me to come home, calling me, emailing me, posting on FB etc. He is harassing me.

He has called (several times) every member of my immediate family. Mom, Dad, brothers. Is forwarding our emails to my Dad. Going on and on how much he loves me, crying.


Friday night after the incident he posted this to my FB profile:

""Fear less,
hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less,
say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours” I love you

He is calling me a liar.

Here are excerpts from his emails:

I love you and would never hurt you. I did nothing Friday night to threaten
you in any shape, manner or form. You cannot act like I did. That is
lying. I will contest the police report. (our kids-names removed) were in the house and they know I did not do anything. You are acting like I am a criminal.
I do not understand why you are doing this. It is killing me. I would
never hurt you and I do not understand why you would ever think that I
would.

You can’t make this marriage about being married to an abusive husband. Everyone knows that you are the most important woman in my life and I have done everything to try and make you happy. If anything you have abused me because I have let you.

and this:

More important, I want you to learn to live with yourself. Maybe then you can begin to love the man that sacrificed everything for you and this marriage and our children. You need to make a commitment to our marriage.

this:

You are hurting me and you are hurting our children and you are hurting yourself.

and this: (this is my favorite)

Please make an appointment to see a counselor this week.

There is more but I can't think right now. I am homeless, financially unable to support myself and my kids and scared. But I finally ran and am free of his alcoholic insanity.

mermaidgirl

I can sense you are frightened...I am too. My STBXRAH made threats to kill others that talked to me-and I know I can be that target too. He emotionally raped me and verbally abused me and has said things similar to yours. He doesn't nor will he see it as abuse and cannot be I could view it that way. He is a sick man, SheCanRun, and know that you did the RIGHT thing by protecting yourself. Your HP was with you every second.
Big hugs for you tonight-

freefalling

Oh shecanrun this is such crazy making behaviour from his side. So sorry that you and your kids have to go through this abuse. We are here for you. I am praying for you right now and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.You are not alone.

laurie6781

Please call your nearest Domestic Violence Center. Domestic violence is not only physical but mental and emotional also. His 'grabbing' your wrists was just the start, it will escalate.

The DV center can help you, with advice, couseling for you and the kids, housing, job opportunities, etc.

You did good to leave when you could.

Please keep us posted on how your are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

SheCanRun

Thank you. At times I feel as though I'm hanging on by a thread. Please keep talking to me, your prayers, thoughts, wisdom and experiences are helping hold me together.

mermaidgirl, my AH has also made threats about hurting other people. Imagined potential future lovers of mine...??? Now with facebook and ex-boyfriends as my friends he calls out their names and tells me he will pay them a visit & that he will put them in the hospital. It was one of the last things he yelled at me on Friday night as I was running out the door.
That was always scary but I never considered that he would turn it towards me. Never in a million years.

laurie, I called the local domestic violence hotline on Saturday. They let me talk, listened and gave advice. They were wonderful to me.

This is crazy, but I had to have the woman that answered the phone verify for me that it was abuse. I mean... seriously I knew that it was but with all his emails and trash talking I question myself. He's been in my ear and in my head for years. I frequently don't know if I'm coming or going.

I go back and forth between raging anger and sobbing.

Am praying that I can lose myself in work today and that we are super busy so there is no time to think about it.

freefalling

They mostly do that because they were on the other side of the fence....looking around for "better "company ya know. Projection. Is it possible in your case?

Still praying this side. Stay strong. He will eventually back off when he sees he cannot scare you back into your place.

Insulated

You did what you felt compelled to do. The behavior he demonstrated is all about power and control. The jedi move and traction gained while in active addiction screams through in his correspondence to you. You are probably scared now, but this could be just the nudge you needed to move forward with a divorce and job hunting. Keep posting on SR!!

Still Waters

Ugh. It makes me sick to hear about these bullying abusive jackholes. Shecanrun - my AH is the same. I got the same message about making an appointment for counseling (since I'm the one with all the problems you see) except mine said to either do it, or get out.

I did both.

It wasn't until my counselor (who I was seeing on my own) told me it was abuse that things started to make sense to me.

He left me with no transportation, he changed the PIN numbers on our bank accounts, then he told me he was going to have me evicted from our home.

But I was the one that was being abusive to HIM you see, belittling him, not catering to him to his specifications. Etc. ad naseum

You're moving in the right direction. Document every call, every threat, every harassment. You'll need that for the divorce. Stay strong.

gmc

I am praying for you.

A domestic violence center will reinforce that this is unacceptable. It always helps to have professionals reinforce that. I went through something like this 12 yrs ago and it was then I understood it was not okay - you know, it was seeing my reaction to other women who had been through it that showed me I did not think it was okay for them or for me.

Please take care of your kids. Please take care of your kids. Please take care of your kids. The situation is not any different for them.

I am so sorry for the situation. Be strong.

Gabby

wicked

Okay, the first music that came to my mind was the music from "Jaws".
But sharks smell blood in the water and attack, they have to keep moving to live.
They are mindless eating machines. Scary. Yeah this brave soldier covers her eyes for the scary stuff.
But after thinking about another thread. Maybe we should consider him a zombie.
Slow moving, stupid, but still with one thing on their minds. They need the living to exist. Like parasites. That is what an abusive alcoholic needs. I am a recovering alcoholic and lived with an abusive alcoholic. That scene you described is very close to many nights me and the kids dealt with.
A mindless parasite only thinks about his next feed, that is why they don't remember what happened. It wouldn't serve their need to feed.
I am so glad you left.
Run from the living dead.
They are after your brains, and thus your life.
Beth

naive

i am glad you ran.

my story is similar and it started the same way: him blocking my exit.

eventually, he attacked me. it was like a slow motion movie.... even as it was happening, i couldn't quite believe it.

if you are like me, i was in deep denial as to the abuse. just like they are in denial, so are we.

give yourself the gift of some time and space away from the madness to begin to be able to see things as they actually are. that's the best advice i could give you.

can you block him on your facebook?

peace, courage and clear vision to you. you are not alone.

naive

MissFixit

my AH has also made threats about hurting other people. Imagined potential future lovers of mine...??? Now with facebook and ex-boyfriends as my friends he calls out their names and tells me he will pay them a visit & that he will put them in the hospital. It was one of the last things he yelled at me on Friday night as I was running out the door.

My ex did this for years. It was embarrassing as he used to talk with everyone about it.
Mine cheated before he left, so in hindsight I think he was projecting his behavior onto me.

Their egos won't let you go, unless they have a new caretaker (host). They are like parasites.

How are your kids?

DMC

Block him on Facebook. Don't talk to him, don't answer the phone. (I know you're already doing this, but hang in there!)

I used to work as a domestic violence counselor, and answered those phones. Yes, this is abuse, and of course he isn't going to see it that way. But you have lots of ammunition. Wondering if you're suffering abuse is very common - lots of women don't see it, and can't see it, because it's been beat into them figuratively and literally, that it was their fault to begin with. You hear something enough times, and you begin to believe it.

Do gather up any important documents you can get your hands on. The shelter may be able to hook you up with legal assistance as well.

Be good to yourself, but be careful. You know him better than anyone and you will be able to predict him better than anyone (even though it doesn't seem like it now.) Consider a temporary restraining order, unless it will **** him off even more.

Keep us posted. Your story gave me chills, and I think zombies are a perfect metaphor.
D

coffeedrinker

You are free, you are free!

There will be more dealings with him, but you keep your lifelines active - us, the d.abuse people, other supportive, loving, non-judging people.

I am afraid for you having a change of heart down the road and giving him another "chance". Please stay committed, for your sake the sake of your children.

Duped

Ah, the abusers. They always turn it around. They do the most outlandish abusive stuff. Then when you react, then pin the blame on you.

Pin the blame on the donkey. I know that game well.

What a horrible, horrible place to be. It got so bad for me psychologically that I had to bolt. Leave. Run away, and stay away.

veracious

Wow, dont you love how its always "YOUR" fault and they never do anything wrong!! I love how they never take responsibility for their own actions. Just remember no matter what he says you are doing the right thing for you!!!

least

Yes, it's abuse. No, he won't change. Yes, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and kids. (((hugs)))

FreeingMyself

All I have to say is that this is a post that I have lived over and over....everything being my fault, him denying things that he did to hurt me, him saying he has sacrificed everything for me, that I have ruined our marriage and that I need help. I mean seriously I have lived this scenario many times - and well I Know exactly how crazy what he is doing can make you feel. It is as if he has NO sense of what reality is - and let me tell you that while my AH is not drinking at the moment - that is no the end all be all answer either. He still is irrational and ridiculous and still has very little sense of the hurt he has caused me or the things that have happened. I don't believe it is because he doesn't know it has happened....I believe he just chooses to twist into something different. I feel very STUCK where I am with my AH at the moment for many many reasons, but also know that I do have a choice in what I am doing right now. My thoughts are with you as I have lived this nightmare so many times. You are doing the best thing by getting away, however be careful my AH would say awful things about me to the kids if I left.....and try to plead a case for himself.....not to mention if he was drinking he should not be left alone with the kids because he may just as irrational and angry at them when you are gone. Please feel free to Private Message me or anything you need - our situations are very similar.

Carol Star

No contact is best....just communicate through lawyers or family.That includes no text, email or facebook. That way he has nothing to react to. Mine tried every hook there was; sex, guilt, something was wrong with my cat who lived outside (not)- the neighbor took care of her.....hooks to get a rise out of me.....to rile me. Really.....no contact whatsoever is best. I know you have kids together but this dude scares me. Reminds me of my X.

Duped

With mine it was and indeed still is, like Alice in Wonderland.

Mine phoned me at work and screeched at me on the phone for 20 minutes, then denied she ever did it. Mine would go out and get drunk regularly and minimise the behaviour. Mine even went to rehab in 2008 for 30 days and it's like it never even happened if you ask her. When she stopped drinking for awhile, I swear she got even worse. Mine turns things around so much that I am resigned that I have very little input into my child's upbringing. If I so much as disagree with her about anything, she will go on a tirade that I am abusive and treat her badly and how she doesn't deserve it.

She has been lying for so long, and turning her own heinous behaviour around on everyone else for so long that she is incapable of living any other way. It's like a piece of her brain is gone. Her memory is shot. All the drugs and alcohol have permanently damaged her.

If I had stayed she would have skinned me alive.