I think I like a boy....
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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I think I like a boy....
...But i'm having some fear. I have not always made great choices here.
First, I think it's great that I am finding interest in someone else. This is something I was sure when I would feel a little spark again, and right now the match is striking the packet at almost lighting.
Right now it's all via messages. He's a friend of a friend, and our messages have increasingly gotten longer and longer.
One thing I fear I have always done is maybe divulge a little too much about myself too early. But he makes it easy to tell my story. And he's very thoughtful in his words as well.
He does not know about the past relationship with my XA and the specifics that I have gone through regarding that relationship yet.
I have so many trust issues, and being that my XA presented himself to be someone he was not, and also came across very caring and thoughtful in his words when we first started talking, there's a part of me that doesn't buy the sincerity, then there's still the part of me that knows everyone doesn't lie and wants to give people the benefit of the doubt.
He wrote me this morning, and happened to throw in his story that he doesn't drink.
He's also mentioned how he's become very aware of himself and living life to the fullest, and learning that it doesn't make you less manly to ask for help when you need it. He's also an Iraq vet. Though he seems very outgoing in his life, which generally isn't associated with ptsd, this does trigger thoughts of "omg, I can't go down this road again!"
I know he is not my XA, and I know there are no answers for this really. I'm just processing my thoughts outloud. I want to understand why he doesn't drink, if there is anything to understand there. I mean, I don't really drink a lot, but it's not because i'm a recovering A. So there are reasons that people don't drink other than that.
When I write him and start opening up a little, I am always thinking, ugh, I am sending him a big red flag that I have trust issues....and I don't want that to scare him off. So I don't want to be scared off that he has a past too.
I just need to understand the drinking thing. If he has chosen to not self medicate with alcohol for any reason, that's a plus. That's all my XA wanted to do.
I am just speculating here. Sigh!
First, I think it's great that I am finding interest in someone else. This is something I was sure when I would feel a little spark again, and right now the match is striking the packet at almost lighting.
Right now it's all via messages. He's a friend of a friend, and our messages have increasingly gotten longer and longer.
One thing I fear I have always done is maybe divulge a little too much about myself too early. But he makes it easy to tell my story. And he's very thoughtful in his words as well.
He does not know about the past relationship with my XA and the specifics that I have gone through regarding that relationship yet.
I have so many trust issues, and being that my XA presented himself to be someone he was not, and also came across very caring and thoughtful in his words when we first started talking, there's a part of me that doesn't buy the sincerity, then there's still the part of me that knows everyone doesn't lie and wants to give people the benefit of the doubt.
He wrote me this morning, and happened to throw in his story that he doesn't drink.
He's also mentioned how he's become very aware of himself and living life to the fullest, and learning that it doesn't make you less manly to ask for help when you need it. He's also an Iraq vet. Though he seems very outgoing in his life, which generally isn't associated with ptsd, this does trigger thoughts of "omg, I can't go down this road again!"
I know he is not my XA, and I know there are no answers for this really. I'm just processing my thoughts outloud. I want to understand why he doesn't drink, if there is anything to understand there. I mean, I don't really drink a lot, but it's not because i'm a recovering A. So there are reasons that people don't drink other than that.
When I write him and start opening up a little, I am always thinking, ugh, I am sending him a big red flag that I have trust issues....and I don't want that to scare him off. So I don't want to be scared off that he has a past too.
I just need to understand the drinking thing. If he has chosen to not self medicate with alcohol for any reason, that's a plus. That's all my XA wanted to do.
I am just speculating here. Sigh!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Kitty, all I can say is get to know him first..and keep on with alanon or therapy and posting here... I stopped going to my therapist for a while because I thought I was stronger and could manage alone LOL!! I'm going back and I know if I had stayed with her perhaps now I would be healthier and have my feelings in place.
I say friends are to have a good time, you are not a psychologist so don't try to psychoanalize him... keep on learning and walking your own path. He will show who he is sooner or later... the more you work on yourself the easier it will be to know how to protect yourself.....
I say friends are to have a good time, you are not a psychologist so don't try to psychoanalize him... keep on learning and walking your own path. He will show who he is sooner or later... the more you work on yourself the easier it will be to know how to protect yourself.....
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
In my experience, things move very quickly in emails. People can learn in a week what would take months in real life. Also, easy to get lost in "who you want to be" rather than who you really are. I've tended to unknowingly build myself up. Only to let myself down. Other people build the other person up, only to have them let them down.
It's tricky. As I know interenet relationships can blossom into wonderful real life ones too.
I just have to remember, everywhere I go my bag of issues will follow!
It's tricky. As I know interenet relationships can blossom into wonderful real life ones too.
I just have to remember, everywhere I go my bag of issues will follow!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Yes, things can move very quickly in emails. There is a safety in the feeling of them I suppose. And yes, it is easy to get lost in who you want them to be....that is definitely one of the things that happened with my XA. I'm trying to keep that in check.
TC- I love my counselor here, and I wll be seeing her until I move. No worries there!
And, well, eventually I will be a licensed psychologist so I can't help but analyze!!!LOL
However, it's a little different when it's personal. Always easier to see the truths of others than yourself. This is why psychologists often need psychologists.
TC- I love my counselor here, and I wll be seeing her until I move. No worries there!
And, well, eventually I will be a licensed psychologist so I can't help but analyze!!!LOL
However, it's a little different when it's personal. Always easier to see the truths of others than yourself. This is why psychologists often need psychologists.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
"I just need to understand the drinking thing. If he has chosen to not self medicate with alcohol for any reason, that's a plus. That's all my XA wanted to do.
I am just speculating here. Sigh!"
Kitty I hear you. I was jumping for joy when my AXBF "didn't drink" for the first five months. He'd had some "problems in the past" and decided "for him" that he didn't want to drink anymore. I'm a RA and it was soooooo great to have alcohol off the table. Problem is that it wasn't off the table - it was in the closet. What seemed like a huge plus was actually incredibly insidious. I could have made better decisions had I asked better questions. Is this the first time you've given up drinking? Do you have a program of recovery? What made you decide to stop?
Are these "rude" questions? I don't know. What I do know is that eventually I nearly lost my mind dealing with someone who bounced between being a dry drunk and going missing for days at a time on a binge. If someone ever told me again that they didn't drink I'd ask for clarification. If it wasn't for health (medication) or religious reasons, I'd want to know more about why they stopped and how they stay stopped. My answer to this same question is simple - "I'm a recovering alcoholic."
I am just speculating here. Sigh!"
Kitty I hear you. I was jumping for joy when my AXBF "didn't drink" for the first five months. He'd had some "problems in the past" and decided "for him" that he didn't want to drink anymore. I'm a RA and it was soooooo great to have alcohol off the table. Problem is that it wasn't off the table - it was in the closet. What seemed like a huge plus was actually incredibly insidious. I could have made better decisions had I asked better questions. Is this the first time you've given up drinking? Do you have a program of recovery? What made you decide to stop?
Are these "rude" questions? I don't know. What I do know is that eventually I nearly lost my mind dealing with someone who bounced between being a dry drunk and going missing for days at a time on a binge. If someone ever told me again that they didn't drink I'd ask for clarification. If it wasn't for health (medication) or religious reasons, I'd want to know more about why they stopped and how they stay stopped. My answer to this same question is simple - "I'm a recovering alcoholic."
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Still- I hear ya!
Well, I thought about how I wanted to approach it with him. So without coming out and asking him why he doesn't drink...I just went on to agree that I don't drink either, but more so because I have realized that nothing good ever comes from drinking, I lost a little weight when I cut back, and I have no desire to be in my 20's anymore.
I did go on to say that when he said he didn't drink it really resonated with me because of my past relationship here. I did go on to say that I realized he was an alcoholic, and really didn't go into too much detail. No more needed at this time.
I want to see how he responds to what I told him, and I suppose I will take it from there.
Well, I thought about how I wanted to approach it with him. So without coming out and asking him why he doesn't drink...I just went on to agree that I don't drink either, but more so because I have realized that nothing good ever comes from drinking, I lost a little weight when I cut back, and I have no desire to be in my 20's anymore.
I did go on to say that when he said he didn't drink it really resonated with me because of my past relationship here. I did go on to say that I realized he was an alcoholic, and really didn't go into too much detail. No more needed at this time.
I want to see how he responds to what I told him, and I suppose I will take it from there.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
I hear ya too! Being back "out there" and having to (wanting to) cover this territory must be really hard.
I'm not even nearly at the "ready to date again" phase and I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I gave my most recent ex the benefit of the doubt -because- my decisions in the past hadn't been great. I second guessed second guessing myself (does that make any sense?)
He was open, incredibly open, on date two, about some of the things that had happened in his "past" and I got a knot the size of Texas in my stomach on the way home from that conversation.
...But then I thought "hold on, he's being honest! he recognises these experiences as negative! it's his past and I have one too."
I hope to get better at examining (listening to) the knot in my stomach and God willing next time I won't be so busy giving someone credit for laying all their giant red flags out on the table that I forget .... they're giant red flags!!!!!
I'm an adult child - maybe alcoholics are always going to be attractive on some level. Spoke to my therapist about how I "attract" active alcoholics and she had a great take. The world is full of active alcoholics - it's maybe just that I don't .... reject them.
(lightningbolt).
I'm still chewing on that one.
Hugs KP, xxxxx
I'm not even nearly at the "ready to date again" phase and I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I gave my most recent ex the benefit of the doubt -because- my decisions in the past hadn't been great. I second guessed second guessing myself (does that make any sense?)
He was open, incredibly open, on date two, about some of the things that had happened in his "past" and I got a knot the size of Texas in my stomach on the way home from that conversation.
...But then I thought "hold on, he's being honest! he recognises these experiences as negative! it's his past and I have one too."
I hope to get better at examining (listening to) the knot in my stomach and God willing next time I won't be so busy giving someone credit for laying all their giant red flags out on the table that I forget .... they're giant red flags!!!!!
I'm an adult child - maybe alcoholics are always going to be attractive on some level. Spoke to my therapist about how I "attract" active alcoholics and she had a great take. The world is full of active alcoholics - it's maybe just that I don't .... reject them.
(lightningbolt).
I'm still chewing on that one.
Hugs KP, xxxxx
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Wow, I love the words of your therapist. Definite lightening bolt.
I gave my most recent ex the benefit of the doubt -because- my decisions in the past hadn't been great. I second guessed second guessing myself (does that make any sense?)
YES! That makes perfect sense. And it is something that I did with my xa as well.
I also don't want to get to the point where I am so busy looking for all of the red flags that I miss the good stuff! There must be a balance.
He did respond, and he basically said that he quit drinking 6 years ago when he was 26 after a party on a Hawaii beach and woke up the next day and it was one of those moments when he asked himself where does the party boy end and the guy who wants something out of life begin. And he hasn't touched a drop since. He said there was more to it....but he would tell me later basically.
It's the more to it that gives me pause...but I still want to be open to him at this point. When he is ready to share he will.
And the great thing about our form of communication is that it is all via internet right now. He does live in the state I am moving to, but that is not for 2 months, so there is some time to get to know him through this route.
I gave my most recent ex the benefit of the doubt -because- my decisions in the past hadn't been great. I second guessed second guessing myself (does that make any sense?)
YES! That makes perfect sense. And it is something that I did with my xa as well.
I also don't want to get to the point where I am so busy looking for all of the red flags that I miss the good stuff! There must be a balance.
He did respond, and he basically said that he quit drinking 6 years ago when he was 26 after a party on a Hawaii beach and woke up the next day and it was one of those moments when he asked himself where does the party boy end and the guy who wants something out of life begin. And he hasn't touched a drop since. He said there was more to it....but he would tell me later basically.
It's the more to it that gives me pause...but I still want to be open to him at this point. When he is ready to share he will.
And the great thing about our form of communication is that it is all via internet right now. He does live in the state I am moving to, but that is not for 2 months, so there is some time to get to know him through this route.
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Oh and as far as really dating.... I don't know if i'm quite ready yet, but I think I am getting there. My therapist thinks I am there.
I do know that I am ready to move on from my XA and deserve someone who puts me on a pedistal and treats me far better than he ever did!
But it is a little scary to get back out there. Baby steps indeed.....but i'm ready to take the baby steps.
I do know that I am ready to move on from my XA and deserve someone who puts me on a pedistal and treats me far better than he ever did!
But it is a little scary to get back out there. Baby steps indeed.....but i'm ready to take the baby steps.
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"I do know that I am ready to move on from my XA and deserve someone who puts me on a pedistal and treats me far better than he ever did!"
Go Kittyboo!
And six years is a chunk of time - that's really encouraging. Your eyes and ears are open and you're right - we don't have to miss the good stuff.
Go Kittyboo!
And six years is a chunk of time - that's really encouraging. Your eyes and ears are open and you're right - we don't have to miss the good stuff.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
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thanks
Thank you so much for bringing this subject up! I know that i am also scared to death of making the wrong choices again. I know that i am not ready for a new relationship and really afraid that i will try to read too much or not enough into any future dates that i may have.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
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I think these are great opportunities to learn about ourselves. I dated a beautiful, younger man for like two weeks recently who cooked for me, fed me, loved me up. He made me feel calm with his words, his voice. I was having a great time.
But at that first red flag I stopped for a good long time and played it all the way through and ended it. No thank you. No denial or magical thinking for me, thank you.
I don't want to be so busy messing with someone that's not perfect for me and miss the guy that's got it all to offer.
And- I don't want to waste my precious time.
But at that first red flag I stopped for a good long time and played it all the way through and ended it. No thank you. No denial or magical thinking for me, thank you.
I don't want to be so busy messing with someone that's not perfect for me and miss the guy that's got it all to offer.
And- I don't want to waste my precious time.
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TC - I am! I love the field, I always have.
No doubt that venturing out into the dating world after experiencing extreme relationship matters that many here have can be a little intimidating and scary.
Transform, I think that's awesome and shows such strength to see the first red flag, play it through, not sugar coat it, and do what's best for you! No doubt will lead you to the man who is perfect for you.
I was just speaking with my counselor today about my feelings about getting back out there again and my fears. At this point, I definitely still want to get to know him. So far, he seems to be on a similar path as me, and I would say atleast a friendship is developing. There is still sooooo much that needs to be learned about each other, and certain subjects about going into an actual relationship which I am not even close to being ready to discuss....nor is he. It's still so new.
The work that I really need to do now is to really become comfortable with ME. I've been alone my entire life, so it's not like I have to adjust to being alone, but I have to really learn to boost my inner image....for sure! So with that, anything too serious is probably not wise.
But I gotta say....it is SOOOOOO nice to actually want to get to know someone else, and not sit here and wonder if my XA is happy. The focus has been shifting off of him lately, and I didn't think it would get here.
And about that too, I also talked with my counselor today about just that..... that I feel myself not being angry as much, not caring as much...and to be honest I don't like that. And it's not because I miss him, it's because I feel that if i'm not caring as much, then i'm not angry anymore, and therefore how he treated me wasn't that bad. Make sense?
Oh how the mind works!!
So, now trying to shift my focus into realizing that not caring as much doesn't mean I let him off the hook, it means he's no longer IMPORTANT. I like that much better
No doubt that venturing out into the dating world after experiencing extreme relationship matters that many here have can be a little intimidating and scary.
Transform, I think that's awesome and shows such strength to see the first red flag, play it through, not sugar coat it, and do what's best for you! No doubt will lead you to the man who is perfect for you.
I was just speaking with my counselor today about my feelings about getting back out there again and my fears. At this point, I definitely still want to get to know him. So far, he seems to be on a similar path as me, and I would say atleast a friendship is developing. There is still sooooo much that needs to be learned about each other, and certain subjects about going into an actual relationship which I am not even close to being ready to discuss....nor is he. It's still so new.
The work that I really need to do now is to really become comfortable with ME. I've been alone my entire life, so it's not like I have to adjust to being alone, but I have to really learn to boost my inner image....for sure! So with that, anything too serious is probably not wise.
But I gotta say....it is SOOOOOO nice to actually want to get to know someone else, and not sit here and wonder if my XA is happy. The focus has been shifting off of him lately, and I didn't think it would get here.
And about that too, I also talked with my counselor today about just that..... that I feel myself not being angry as much, not caring as much...and to be honest I don't like that. And it's not because I miss him, it's because I feel that if i'm not caring as much, then i'm not angry anymore, and therefore how he treated me wasn't that bad. Make sense?
Oh how the mind works!!
So, now trying to shift my focus into realizing that not caring as much doesn't mean I let him off the hook, it means he's no longer IMPORTANT. I like that much better
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