BS08

And internally, I still haven't gotten over the betrayal. I was doing great for a bit, trying to move on, but I don't feel I have emotionally. I still feel the anger, hurt and resentment all the time. I've read my books, talked to friends, focused on myself, but it's always there. No matter what I do, what I accomplish, I feel like I'm competing with a ghost. I'm starting to wonder am I doing this stuff for me, or am I still trying to prove to him that I'm worth something? Am I ever going to not care anymore?

Ironically, I find myself now in a motel we stayed at the same time last year. I came down to do a race, woke up, cried and am now depressed and I'm just going to go home. A friend was supposed to do this race with me, but couldn't last minute, so I came down to do it alone. But I'm tired of doing things alone. I'm tired of being alone, but at the same time, I feel so emotionally damaged by him that I just am not interested in dating any time in the future. Part of it I think is that I still want him back. Someone who treated me like this? And he's out having a great time, in love, living a fun happy life of seemingly no consequences. No karmic payback for his treatment of me. I feel he's been rewarded while I'm still emotionally struggling, and it pisses me off when I think about it. And I still resent the hell out of him. I'm still stuck in the victim mode. I feel his life is better without me, but my life has not been emotionally really great since...

I'm trying. I really am, but emotionally it's just not working. I can't seem to let go of him and that life. And I get so angry at myself for it, and for feeling so weak and letting him get the best of me. Why can't I not care anymore? I wish I could just delete all this **** out of my head and heart.

And I've tried to make more friends, but I don't seem to be very good at it. People always like me, but I just can't seem to make more close friends. More just aquintences. I make efforts, but they just always seem to fall in my face. I try to arrange gettogethers, and nobody comes or they drop out. I can't figure out why I can't seem to make more close friends, and others have no trouble getting groups together. I know if has to do with my childhood, but after 1 1/2 years of theraphy, I still don't seem to get what it is I seem to be missing.

Just feeling down, resentful and frustrated today. Thought after a year, I would be over it, but most of the time still feel like I'm at square one. Being here with the memories doesn't help either.

I just feel like burning his house down and breaking both his legs. Maybe then he'll feel some of the pain he's left me with. I reseent being left with this pain. I didn't deserve it but I'm left with it.

Sometimes, there just is no karma...

Learn2Live

Have you been evaluated for clinical depression? Please take an on-line depression screening to see if you should be evaluated by a doctor. You may need a short-term boost to get you over this hump. This is COMPLETELY biological (physiological) and is not a reflection of your character or strength.

I think you may be holding onto resentment. It is part and parcel of the disease of alcoholism. I can't speak to that from any personal point of view so hopefully someone with more knowledge about that can speak to it.

Thanks for sharing.

suki44883

I agree with L2L. This sounds so much like clinical depression. Please see your doctor and let him/her know how you're feeling and how long it's been going on. They can help. (((HUGS)))

BS08

Thanks guys for your input. I did an online test (several) to see what they said, and none of them said I was clinically depressed (I was honest too). I know I have times of depression, but it's not all the time. I'm triggered here today being where I am. I still do the things I love, call friends, engage in life. I think future and have a packed summer already. I don't know. Just don't know how to fix this emotional **** to do with my XABF. There's a reason I'm hanging on...

Learn2Live

P.S. I didn't mean I have never had any resentments or never held onto any, I just don't have any knowledge to share about it.

lulu1974

Something that helped me and I would like to share with you is...What someone else does to me painful or not is not a measure of my worth or value. What others do wrong is between them and their higher power. I have a reminder in my email everyday to recit this so it keeps me straight. Same with what I do. I can remember some memories when I was younger with friends when I had a boyfriend and I broke away from friends..It had nothing to do with what I thought they were worth but I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I would do it differently now but back then that is all I knew.
My first boyfreind who was the love of my life cheated on me. He ended up marrying the girl he cheated on me with. We had been together for 5 years at that point. And we lived in a small town. I took it horribly and wasted many years pining for him when I should have been working on myself. 13 years later they had 3 kids and are divorced. He lives in a dinky apartment in our old hometown. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I dont know if this is karma or not but that doesnt even matter. I wasted a lot of time not focusing on me and this time around with my marriage breaking up..I am not making that same mistake.
Who knows his reasons for doing what he did.,but truly it is not a reflection on you or how great and worthy you are. It is a reflection on HIM. Stay strong..if therapy isnt helping, find a new therapist. Really think about what will help YOU. (Did I just say all this? This room must really be rubbing off on me)

wicked

lulu,
can i ask you about the email reminder?
it sounds like an excellent idea.


oh yes, making progress every day. it's fantastic.

Learn2Live

When we continue to focus on others, we are able to avoid looking at ourselves.

Freedom1990

I think therapy can be a great tool. I just made an appointment to get back into therapy myself.

What I found I needed in addition to therapy was a program of recovery, and in my case that meant involvement in Alanon.

It was through working those 12 steps, being around others who had been where I was, and had moved forward, that I finally began to heal and let go.

Until I got involved in Alanon, I essentially got stuck in the grieving process in regards to my past marriages/relationships, and was never able to move forward.

Just my limited 2 cents on my own personal experience.

TakingCharge999

BS08, I could have written the same thread. Its also been one year and a half for me, more or less. Interacting, overhearing, watching him almost daily doesn't help. I have made a great effort to avoid him but these days I've had a quantum leap backwards and I've had soo many flashbacks and triggers lately I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Can you perhaps look into spiritual healing practices/alternative remedies?
Bach flowers.
Reiki.
Kundalini or any yoga really.
Meditation.
Visualization. (imagine him and you tied with heavy black strings, chains coming from your heart, mind, gut etc... imagine them however you feel them, then imagine a white light coming from above dissolving each them.. or imagine YOU have the power to melt or break those chains, one by one.. )
Practicing your chosen Faith more actively.

"The language of letting go" by Melody Beattie is an excellent guide.

About karma, you don't have the whole picture. What if in another life YOU were the abuser? and what happened was YOUR karma so you knew how it felt then? well that is what helps my voice thay wants "revenge and justice"...

I am also stuck thinking if I'm getting better to "demonstrate" something or for myself.. damn. Too bad you are not in my city or else I would invite you to Starbucks!!

Resentment is violence against ourselves. I do not want to exercise or endorse violence in any way anymore, and finally that includes ME.

PS not sure if you are into angels and that kind of stuff, but archangel Michael is the energy of trascending experiences. Seeking help from this energy has helped me...

A Master does not manifest through incantations, candles, or by aligning plants and rocks in a particular way. A Master manifests naturally what he and the people around him need, through his state of being, in harmony with the energies and the cosmos. One cannot constrain the cosmos or the angels. Self serves and is served by the universe; what is necessary is manifested by the natural laws of creation and of love.

When I feel the need of revenge I say to myself this phrase "I trust Divine justice and balance". When I hope the worst happens to XABF, I try to remember his picture of when he was a child, the friend that he was to me once; and I try to imagine how he would look like very very old, and also on his deathbed. A human being, that made mistakes, like me. He is not better or worse than me. We are equals...

BS08

Thanks for all your inputs and suggestions. I value them all. Just having an emotional relapse today. I have them, hate them, purge, and then seem to be able to pull my bootstraps back on and move along. Talking to a good friend today too also helped.

I like your suggestion Lulu. That helps. I'm looking for a new therapist in my area. I love my old one, but she's back in CA, and the phone sessions just aren't as good as in person. I need inperson. So we'll see what we can find. I think this also happened because of what Learn said. I think being alone to do a race, and being in the place we had our last good vacation together, combined, triggered me. I think the ultimate problem is why I don't feel able to connect as well past aquaintance level with most people. That's the real problem I think. Just need to do some thinking today and figure stuff out...

Thanks for being there guys....

Insulated

I read a really good book once titled the Art of Forgiveness. I'm thinking I need to read it again for overcoming resentment and betrayal; much like yourself.

BuffaloGal

I can speak to the difficulty of making friends while burdened with negative emotions. While my divorce was going on, while my soon to be ex was publicly having a relationship with someone else (found out later that it wasn't exactly untroubled: he was still himself, after all, and he continued the same behavior that caused me to throw him out, with her, too). I didn't have the energy to put together groups, to socialize one on one, but I was painfully lonely and badly needed to interact socially for my own recovery.

I discovered online socializing groups. That way, I could go to where a group was already, and go hiking or dancing or eat out, without having to make the effort of setting it all up myself. It was still hard and I sometimes had to force myself to leave the house. But, eventually several friendships (and a boyfriend) did evolve out of that.

And do remember that a year is not a very long time. Don't feel bad about how long it takes you to heal.

Last, keep in mind that many things do not stay the same. My experience is, I still care about, and love, my ex husband; but it causes me less pain now. I can and have cared about someone else, someone who treated me a lot better and with whom I had a loving and supportive relationship. I am a stronger, happier and better person than I ever was while married to my alcoholic ex husband. Those things are new to me, and they're available to you too... it takes some time and gentle treatment of yourself, that's all.

wicked

alright, learn2live, this is one of my email reminders.
yep.
thank you.

mariemarie

Another book you might like - MEDITATION AS MEDICINE. It's Kundalini yoga (I think) explained very well. Helpful. Good luck.