Why do I think he's sober just because he contacted me?
 

It's been a month, and I got an email. The first time he relapsed, he didn't contact me for months. When he did, I figured he had realized that he wanted to be sober and live a life with me, and that's why he was contacting me. That's what he said when I talked to him. We were together again for about a month (I think) when he relapsed again. He didn't contact me for about a week. When he finally did, I thought it was because he'd realized that he was so wrong for drinking, and that he wanted to be sober and live a life with me, and that's why he was contacting me. That's what he said when I talked to him. We were together again for a short while before he relapsed again.

It's been a month.

I got an email. He wants to talk to me.

I have been thinking all day today as if he's decided to be sober and live a life with me. Tonight, it finally dawned on me...he's an alcoholic on a rollercoaster. He doesn't know what he's doing.

Today, tomorrow, and hopefully forever - I'm staying the hell off the rollercoaster.

Just checking in. It's still heartbreaking, but I'm determined to heal.

(((KP)))

It is heartbreaking , but also empowering for us when we start seeing the patterns. SO sorry for your pain KP

Tonight, it finally dawned on me...he's an alcoholic on a rollercoaster. He doesn't know what he's doing.

Today, tomorrow, and hopefully forever - I'm staying the hell off the rollercoaster.

I'm SO happy for you. I hope you never know the heartache & destruction you have escaped.
Smart girl :)
Congratulations!

KP wrote: People often introduce themselves at AA meetings by stating their name and very frequently with a comment to the effect: I am sober today for myself.

This can be construed as selfish, but what it really means is that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. You can't help someone else if you are injured yourself. You can't be strong for someone else if you are weak.

An analogy I like is the instructions to parents on an aircraft: "put on your oxygen mask first, and then your child's."

It sounds like you are grasping this, and making really good progress with going no contact and protecting your boundaries. Good for you!And, it sounds like you are understanding he can't stay sober for anyone else....

Whats that saying...

Nothing changes if nothing changes...

You have had an "Ahhh Haaa" moment of clarity...good for you now just like your name says hunny....Keep Pedaling...

Janitw

Hi KP,

I hear you on this. There is a fear inside of me that I won't spot the pattern in the moment (aka, "rollercoaster") and will get sucked back into the vortex for a time with a mere e-mail or phone message that voices the "magic words" which will promise present and future recovery. A friend of mine recently said, "So what if you do? You're getting healthier and each time, the need to check it out again will get shorter. Though it might mean an increase in pain for a time, if you keep getting healthier you will figure it out faster and faster."

It sounds like you've got clarity going for you, congrats!! Hang in there, you can do this. I love your determination to heal!
Posie

My xabf did this many times and many times I took him back, in the end almost killing myself with stress. It's very hard to hit the ignore button at first, but it gets easier.

I sent xabf a final letter over a year ago via email. I was not strong enough at first to block his emails, so the same day, I got a new email account and contacted everyone else to let them know my address had changed. Months later, when I was completely over it, I checked the old account and saw all the emails. I read all of them and it was as if I was reading about someone else's life. The person he was writing to thAt once believed all of the manipulative things was a stranger to me. The person writing was nothing more than a twisted person who would say anything to keep his enabled. Keep working on you. It will all pay off! Hugs!

So right, KP!

I think that when we realize that it doesn't matter if he comes back and really wants to get sober and have a life with you, we are really becoming free. I have gotten stuck by the thought that "he does want to be clean and sober, he does want to put the doc down for good" and I have given too much credit for just that. It's the follow-through that really matters, and since the pattern has been established, you are smart to see that it might not "stick". And if you don't wanna hang around to find out, you are indeed getting off that awful roller coaster. I think this is why it is so wise to let them get sober and figure this stuff out without us. We can always decide later, way down the road, if we want to give things another try.

Good for you to not get sucked back in!

(((KP))) I literally held my breath through your post until the last two lines. I am so, so happy that you are taking care of you. That is a sign of amazing strength, health and maturity. You have learned a very valuable lesson these last few months. Be grateful, bless your ex on his chosen path and release him to the Universe.

Have a great day today!! It's a day for celebration!

You can do this, Girl. Keep NO CONTACT, and you'll keep moving towards freedom. But it's got to start in your head and heart. Use your determination and don't let your mind wander towards those "what if" questions! Make up your mind and don't waiver!

What's it going to hurt to try this? I tried tricking myself for a long time, by telling myself that I was going to try this radically new thing--called staying away from the A--just to see what happened. I'd tried everything else, why not?

Now I know, beyond all doubt, that I am happier without him. It's my choice. But I had to brutalize myself over and over before I reached this determined state.

this kind of thinking is what kept me ON the roller coaster. Thinking about AH, not myself. I, too, have engaged with my AH in cycles since leaving him. But each cycle away from him has gained me, step by step, the strength and hope I need to fully focus on my own damn life.

At this time, I'm reaping the by-product of that work. Being desperate to get and stay away from the pain I experience every time I engage with AH is how I've created a life and career that I love. After moving out of denial that we could finally be happy together, whenever I felt desperate and jonesing for that "fix" I choose instead to throw myself into making my life better.

Today I"m only grateful to be away from him. None of his little tricks work, because I don't allow myself to START the process of undermining all my hard work by shifting back into that denial. By letting myself think about him. I actually see it now as arrogant. He's got his own life! He is in charge of himself, not me. And to think I can help, change or even partner with him is insane and unhealthy for him and me both.

I"m in a new cycle- one where I"m excited about my life, excited to see what I can do on my own. And without these positive things, without facing my fear of facing myself, I would be drawn again and again to that pit of quicksand.

Wow..you have grown so much. It must make you feel so good to make a decision putting yourself first. I think you are correct in your above post. I think its super fantastic that you are putting yourself first. Be strong. I needed to read this today so thank you...sending you hugs

Isn't it great KeepPedaling to be emotionally detached enough to be able to see this? This is truly cause for celebration! Another bike perhaps? LOL

P.S. I recently learned how to appreciate and be grateful for these opportunities (even when I may not have reacted very gracefully). I would say something like, "Thank you XABF (whatever his name) for providing me this opportunity to practice my newly learned emotional detachment and boundaries." :ring

KP, I read this joke yesterday:

Why is your nickname "bottlecap"?
because when you are not with the bottle you are on the floor...

No disrespect intended, but if you already feel better now, next year you'll feel awesome and will be able to laugh about it all sometimes! Something I thought I would NEVER do when I was there....

No contact is FOR YOU because YOU ARE WORTH IT.. keep no contact as if your life depended on it... it DOES. That it is difficult often doesn't make it less valuable, VITAL, for our sanity.

HUGS!!