MaryGoRound

Gathering inspiration from other threads (namely Alice's Remember to Laugh and more recently Lulu's Mean When Sober thread) I had the idea to create a place where we can all post funny things that have happened. We can laugh at how ridiculous their logic is, but more importantly we can just vent and sort of poke fun at a deeply, devastating situation. I'm thinking this is the exact situation that calls for sarcasm and irony. Because no matter how many times I've cried, obsessed, lost sleep, or been furious with rage...I still could see how funny it all was too. In a very twisted way. My HP was laughing all along and I too, can finally see how ridiculous it all is. I wish I could right down every single detail for you all so you can see just how exactly its funny...but maybe all that matters is that its a both a joke and learning experience for my eyes only. So maybe none of this will be as funny as, or at all, without the background info...but I know I have laughed at how familiar they all are. The things they say and do, just provide and endless source of, what used to be heartache, but is now.. just laugh out loud funny to me. Its your classic disturbing case of addict behavior...all of it. And perhaps this forum is for the select few who have made some sort of peace with the situation and won't actually find it..completely disturbing. For those of you that do, my sincerest apologies.

Perhaps some lurkers out there need to write to their loved ones. I know I could write to my XABF forever, but I think I'll do it right here. Where people can actually feel the depth of my love, pain, and sorrow. A place where they can respond with a sense of empathy and just plain sobriety that only a recovered/ing codie or alkie could. So I invite you to join me in finding light of the situation and/or writing directly to your loved one with out actually sending it.

What are some so-crazy-its-funny things you have heard or seen from your addicted loved one?


I'll start with mine.

Ceres

Oh, how fun! I'll have to think of some. :-)

MaryGoRound

-"I don't want everyone to stare at me in the waiting room" Upon answering why not go talk to a counselor about the grief your masking with drugs an alcohol. Because five minutes of borderline discomfort outweigh a lifetime of unexplored pain.

-"You knew I was a drunk. Accept me for who am." O brother, the addict is right!

-"I'm garbage" This is after what must have been at least a days worth of bingeing. Now,be aware, at the time I felt sorry for him. But my roommates could smell him before entering the room. That was one the most embarrassing moments when my roommate asked me what that smell was. Looks like he was right again.

Me: "I love you" Him: "********"
Him: "How do I know you mean what you say?"
Maybe I'm not a drug addict. And a liar. Do I need to tattoo I won't hurt you on my face?!!!

-"My parents are already claiming what things they want when I die." He actually found this funny until he realized what he just said.

-"Did you ever think its because of the way you treat me?" Upon answering why he never tried really to make me feel good in sexual way.



-"Yeah, and sometimes I think about smoking crack" Upon answering why he stopped thinking about going to get help.
-"I've been in therapy since I was three. Didn't help" I f.ing bet you were.
-"Go ahead, walk away like everyone else."
-"You don't even like me. What's it to you?"
-"Don't be a snob. I'm just drinking."
"This drink in my cup is making me miss you. For real." Arrrrre you for real? Why because you're drunk and alone yet again??!

Him: (bewildered look on his face) I woke up @ 6 this morning with a migraine and started puking my guts out"
Me: "I wonder why." (I push shoulders back and try to walk onward on the sidewalk, downtown.)
Him: "Its not like I was smoking crack..."
Me: (changing the subject) "I have this rock in my shoe...its been driving me nuts.
He gives me an insulted look. I didn't mean it metaphorically. He made that part up himself.

-"Where are my cigarettes?" Right where you left them last night before you got drunk to remember to pick them up off the ground. You moron.
-"Where are you taking me?!!" Que twilight zone music. Same morning in the car. He thought I was going to drop him off to a treatment center! LMAO. Wish I planned ahead.Someone was all panicked that morning. I just took a different route.

-"It fell INTO my pants" Speaking of a piece of paper of mine that went missing. This one is by far my in my top three faves.

Him: "I can't breathe Seriously my lungs...are...collapsing..."
Me: "Why. What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Him: "I'm just really drunk."


One time I drew all over his body at night while he was passed out. He woke up and said "Hey only my stepmom can do that" I thought I was being original there. Damn.

Another time I had to hold him up while kissing me. Romance!

Oh but he's got into under control ladies in gentleman. No worries. I was over-reacting the whole time. He'll be able to stop.

The even funnier thing is, he will be able to stop. When he wants. And never, ever did I see him puke. But I did hear him gag every single time he brushed his damn teeth! "Gross" I would say as it would really sound like he was throwing up in the sink..."You do a really good job making me feel like I'm disgusting." He said, coming into the room all mad I got grossed out..I mostly said it to myself in shock..

Go ahead, K...Knock yourself out. I won't be there to make you "feel bad" about yourself. Even though I sat there in the beginning before reality set in and I kissed you and scratched your back while your were near passing out on the couch...as I sat alone. Vowing to not fall for someone so f.ed up no matter how much I knew you loved me. Wondering how many nights would be like this. Alone. Waiting for a drunk man to respond. There's a reason you feel like "garbage." And its a damn good one. Cuz you are.

lulu1974

He passed out drunk one night and woke up to do his business but was sort of sleep walking..Instead of the bathroom..he opened the closet and relieved himself on my shoes. I watched the whole thing and thought I was dreaming until the next morning that is.
Please remember that he does NOT think he is an alcoholic and I MAKE him drink....I can laugh at that one....

MaryGoRound

haha! O that is GREAT!!!

This is going to be goooood.....

lulu1974

this was a super great idea. i needed this. thank you

ItsmeAlice

Thanks for the mention, Mary - It's always good to let out a little steam in a safe and understanding environment, I agree.

Ok, well this is a vent about my favorite person......me.

I still cannot believe the state of my denial and confusion even after I came here and started receiving a steady dose of reality from those with experience. I just couldn't trust my instincts and it really took some practice to gain that back.

For the last year XABF and I were together on top of his progressive drinking I started noticing this odd smell when he would finally come home. I just couldn't wrap my head around what it was. It was like a combination of bad cigar and skunk spray. Those who know this smell are probably displaying a knowing nod right about now. I would come down the stairs from my office/haven and it would hit me in the face like the flat back of a frying pan. Woah.

He denied any knowledge of such smell. The dogs smelled it. It got the cats' attention. But, him, nope..nothin' no smell here.

Time went by. I kept sniffing and asking about the smell when it would pop up. His jacket stunk. His hat stunk. His shoes stunk. His truck stunk.....He stunk. Well, he always stunk, but this was new. It wasn't every day, but it happened enough that I actually spent time researching online what the smell could be. Of course, every search came back as....wait for it...surprise, marijuana.

I just couldn't accept it because he told me he had tried it once and hated it so somehow in my rapier sharp logic he would never dabble in it again. DUH!!

One night out walking the dogs on the farm where we lived, we walked behind one of the big barns and he was parked back there in his truck. He jumped out when he saw us followed by a cloud of smoke and quickly shut the truck door. He acted weird, weird, weird. He couldn't wait for us to go away. It was obvious we interrupted something shady. I tried to talk to him a minute but even the dogs were confused by him. One of them kept barking at him. I still wouldn't admit to myself that all that I thought was going on was true.

After I began recovery, he came home one night after he had a phone interview scheduled for some big job he was going for. He came home completely wasted and acting really weird again. He wouldn't come up to my office, he stood on the stairs and talked to me through the open door. He was telling me about the phone interview and his eyes were all squinty and bloodshot and he kept stopping in mid sentence to have a giggle. I knew better at that point to engage him and ask about it. When I came down the stairs that smell hit me again. Finally then, I accepted that yes, the man was as high as the stars in the sky.

Why o why o why did it take me so long to really see this? Was I high all that time? What was I smoking that kept me from seeing what was going on right in front me?

I used to feel bitter and angry at myself for being so naive and so ignorant. These days I roll my eyes, laugh out loud, and shake my head at the thought of it all. When I think of how he must have felt so smug and superior when I failed to accept the truth, I still get irritated, but I remember that hey, I'm not the one who smelled like bad cigars and skunk pee and I couldn't have been the only one who noticed!!


Alice

ICant

Funny things my husband has said while in active addiction:

T is a drinking town. Let's move to a big city.
Big city sells alcohol too.

I don't drink when you are not around.
Because drinking without anyone else nearby would make you an alcoholic, same as drinking before 10am. And god knows, you are not an alcoholic.

This one was said screaming: We are going the wrong way.
This was said on a train which could only possibly go one way because we catch it from the end of the line and we were heading into town.

Kassie2

This one is tough for me and I am wondering why I can't really think of any of it as funny - but one thought did come up at last.

Favorite complaint and reason for wanting to leave me - (not that he would on his own) "We don't have anything in common and we don't like the same things, don't have things we like to talk about in common or activities we like to do together. Our lifestyles are too different."

To which I finally figured out a response - what does an A and a non A have in common? Talk about your need to quit? You like to drink while I like to go places and do things. You go to sleep early b/c you pass out after drinking all day. You are up early to start your drinking while I am sleeping and getting ready to go through another day. I don't care about what the other A's think at the bar about my life decisions - I am not married to them. and of course the really big thing - I have to take care of everything b/c you are in no condition to. ETC.

lulu1974

Kassie,
I am speechless. My A and I had the SAME exact conversation. And at the time it made me feel bad..but not anymore. Its truly amazing how some of the A's go to drunk talk school and say so many of the same things. But at the end the joke'e on them...Thanks for sharing this!!

freefalling

Exact same here. Where is that school ?

and now that I served him he refuses to divorce me. :rotfxko

freefalling

after each relapse ( very close to each other so no real sobriety there) he would say to me

You can never make me drink again :wtf2

And of course he finds me boring ( He is the drunk that never wants to go /is able to go out to movies/dinner/holidays. On holidays he kept to his own timetable - sleeps when we are awake and vice versa.


He should come home as the children need discipline Noo they need loving consistent guidance from a sane sober parent in a program of recovery. A parent that they can trust.

cymbal

Mine would stumble in and say: "I forgive you." Lol! Hunh?

Insulated

When confronted with the fact he raped me...
"No I didn't. WE had rough sex".
To which I responded, my answer was no. And you finished yourself off when I got away. You passed out and don't remember anything EXCEPT "WE" having rough sex?

Insulated

Or, when he sold his car to pay for the GPS tracking bracelet. I was driving him around in MY car, financed by ME, fueled by ME, insured by ME, registered to ME. Only one set of keys. MINE.
He states "that's my car too". funny.

Lotus2009

Great thread! Some of the things A's do and say are just too funny - lol!

There were a few comments my AH has made when drunk - you know things that were so illogical that they were comical. I wish I had written some of them down, because now I can't remember.

But what's always somewhat entertaining is AH trying to make something to eat when drunk. It's situational, so you might have had to be there to find it funny (or have a good imagination): AH stumbles into the kitchen turns the oven on and manages to get a frozen pizza out of the package, puts it in the oven and leaves the kitchen. 2 minutes later AH stumbles back into the kitchen, opens the oven looks at the pizza, closes the oven... waits 1 minute just standing there trying not to fall over, gets a plate and takes the pizza out of the oven, bites into it, chews a bit and then (slow reaction time) realizes the pizza is still cold - yuck! Repeats the above. (LOL - Hun, I think you might have gotten the microwave and oven confused here - it takes a little more than 2 minutes to bake a pizza in the oven!)

One thing AH just recently said to me (looking at me with a somewhat disgusted look): you're getting kinda chubby! (LOOL - I'm 5'4, weighing 115lbs - if you think I'm chubby you have a serious problem!!! - I'm glad he hasn't figured out what physical characteristics I am really self-conscious about - keep on throwing the weight thing at me - I know it's not true!)

Bucyn

That's all he liked to do, drink, complain about me, nag for sex, complain about me, drink, pick a fight, feel sorry for himself, call his mommy and brother to complain about me, drink, bitch about the house being messy and my kids being lazy (while ignoring his kid's very disturbing behavior), complain about me, complain about not having money, complain about not being appreciated, drink...

One thing that made me laugh even at the time was we often went out on a 'date' night on Saturdays. He'd drink all day from the time he got up, but when we went out for a nice dinner, to demonstrate he wasn't an alcoholic, he'd order a ginger ale. Boy, that sure fooled me. :rotfxko Threw me right off the trail.
Here's another thing that's funny: We have a rather timid and mild mannered dog, Ginger. He doesn't like dogs a lot, however over the years me and all the kids would go on vacation and it would just be him and the dog, so the dog liked him. When he came home from work, she'd run up to him wagging her tail.

Well, last week he came several days in a row to sort through his crap. The dog barked, and growled and raised her hackles to him every time. She'd never done that before. So I figured she forgot who he was.

She hadn't. Yesterday a friend of my kids, Eric came over. We haven't seen Eric for a good nine months, longer than we hadn't seen XAH. Ginger ran over to Eric all happy and friendly. She remembered Eric, just as she remembered XAH, she just didn't like XAH. I'm guessing she remembered the night he was removed from the house when he was screaming how psychotic I was, while holding his shirt up to his chin exposing his fat white hairy belly in an attempt to prove that I was fatter than him. I think she remembered that.

Also he came several days in a row and was in and out a lot for about 10 hours each day during the sorting out process. Usually she gets used to people really fast. The kids are always bringing friends over and after a few minute she's cool with them, and greets them every time they come over. But not with XAH, she never got used to him and never stopped barking and growling at him no matter much he was around.

Animals know a creep when they see one.

Bucyn

I thought you were going in a different direction with this.

I'd forgotten about this, but when XAH came last week to remove his pitiful crap from the house, he asked to use the powder room. Sure. The powder room is next to the living room and I was sitting in a chair across the room, maybe 30 feet away.

I'd forgotten the sounds of him in the bathroom. The man, because he drank so much and ate so little (sometimes would skip eating for the day), had chronic explosive diarrhea. You'd hear the explosion and the contents of his bowels spill and splash into the toilet. It was so gross (I wrote a few weeks ago about how once one a real estate touring trip he shlt so badly it splashed up on his face and stained his jeans); frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the man hadn't had a solid bowel movement in 5 years. At least that's how long I'd been listening to his almost daily explosive diarrhea.

But that's not the worst of it. As XAH opens the powder room door to exit, all the way across the room, abt 30 ft away I instantly smell him. I look up and he's still in the doorway of the powder room, that's how fast the smell zoomed across the room.

And the smell: I'd forgotten the smell. The unique smell of alcoholic shlt, astringent, pungent and acrid. He'd always walk around in the smell for a short bit after using the bathroom, then it would dwindle down to just his nether regions. And a shower would never completely erase it, altho you wouldn't notice it unless you were performing certain very intimate acts, which i had no interest in because of that smell and his general indifference to my happiness, and downright nastiness, outside the bedroom.

I'd forgotten that smell.

Serenebynow

He was a fun drunk. He'd call to say he'd be late, did we need anything? Mom would say bread or milk... He'd come home much later, with a can or two of peas. Every time. She would go balistic.
We'd have already eaten but he didn't, he'd make a drink and tell us silly puns, I never saw a purple cow, I hope I never see one. But I can tell you here and now i'd rather see than be one! We'd laugh and laugh, while she raged. Then I would bring my pet rabbit out, which he gave me. Eventually he'd pet the bunny. Bugszilla, always knew when he was drunk, shed hop up on his lap, he'd pet her, and then she would pee on his lap. I can't even tell you how many times this happened. My siblings and I would laugh hysterically each and every time. Mom would rage. Bunny back in the cage. I always wondered why my rabbit liked to pi$$ on him when he drank. I guess you had to be there, but it was amusing.:rotfxko

lulu1974

One of the most memorable ones was..we were newly separated when our 3 year anniversary rolled around. We werent really taking. He sent 24 of the biggest roses I ever saw to my job and then asked me to meet him out for the first time since he got out of rehab for dinner. I agreed. The first thing he said to me was if you are trying to lose weight dont eat the breadstick. As you can imagine the rest of dinner didnt go so well after that. A few months later when I got online and figured what he was up to..I saw that evening he was on ashleymadison.com..Its an adult website for affairs for marrieds. NICE. lol. what a creep. I cant even imagine who would do such a thing but he did and now he has graduated to match.com and is listed as never married. We arent even divorced yet and at the time he was still trying to reconcile with me!!! Guess the lieing never stops.