Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 7 - Set Yourself Free
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 7 - Set Yourself Free
Link to Chapter 6: Don't Be Blown about By Every Wind (and previous Chapters):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2544618
Chapter 8 to go up Sunday Evening
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2544618
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 7 - Set Yourself Free
CHAPTER 7 - Set Yourself Free
Chapter 8 to go up Sunday Evening
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Synopsis:
"Let go and let god"
(Or, the higher power of your choice, if you prefer)
Is how this chapter begins. Then there's a litany of things we do from A-Z. Controlling tactics. Codependents do not make things happen, Codependents spend A LOT of energy trying to force things to happen. She explains the reasons we do this run from out of love to stopping the pain. We think we know exactly how things should be. We are always right. Then there's many of us who do this covertly, "Secretly and quietly going about their business - OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS!" Then there are those of us in the victim role. Controlling through pity with astounding manipulation skills.
We can combine all tactics too. The end result we want she explains is all the same: To have people do what we want them to do.
The chapter gets into the story of Maria and her Alcoholic husband. Maria found she could "control" her husbands drinking because he wouldn't do it in front of her. So, she basically stopped leaving the house! So, ultimately you know who was contolling who. When we try to control, we end up giving away all control of ourselves. We lose our ability to think, feel, and act in OUR own best interests.
She explains that people will ultimately do what they want, feel what they want, think what they want, and do whatever it is they think they need to do.
It doesn't matter if they want to change, it doesn't matter if they are wrong or we are wright. This was in caps: "IT DOESN"T MATTER, IT DOESN"T MATTER, IT DOESN"T MATTER". We can't change people. We can only be tricked by an illusion. We need to detach and surrender. When we do this we can get either immediate relief or it may take a while. For some it may never come. But it can and will get better! We don't have to put up with abuse or abandon therapy. we only need to put our "emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical hands back in our own pockets and leave them there".
Detaching is about dealing with our feelings, facing our fears about loss of control, and gaining control over our responsibilities to ourselves. "Free others to be who they are. In doing so, you will set yourself free".
Activities (paraphrased)
1.) Write a few paragraphs on an event or person that you are trying to control and why
2.) How are you being controlled (mentally, physically, emotionally etc..) Are YOU being controlled?
3.) What would happen to you and the other person/situation if you detached? Will it happen anyway, even while trying to control them/it? Are you and the other person benefitting by your trying to control? Does your "trying to control" effect any outcomes?
"Let go and let god"
(Or, the higher power of your choice, if you prefer)
Is how this chapter begins. Then there's a litany of things we do from A-Z. Controlling tactics. Codependents do not make things happen, Codependents spend A LOT of energy trying to force things to happen. She explains the reasons we do this run from out of love to stopping the pain. We think we know exactly how things should be. We are always right. Then there's many of us who do this covertly, "Secretly and quietly going about their business - OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS!" Then there are those of us in the victim role. Controlling through pity with astounding manipulation skills.
We can combine all tactics too. The end result we want she explains is all the same: To have people do what we want them to do.
The chapter gets into the story of Maria and her Alcoholic husband. Maria found she could "control" her husbands drinking because he wouldn't do it in front of her. So, she basically stopped leaving the house! So, ultimately you know who was contolling who. When we try to control, we end up giving away all control of ourselves. We lose our ability to think, feel, and act in OUR own best interests.
She explains that people will ultimately do what they want, feel what they want, think what they want, and do whatever it is they think they need to do.
It doesn't matter if they want to change, it doesn't matter if they are wrong or we are wright. This was in caps: "IT DOESN"T MATTER, IT DOESN"T MATTER, IT DOESN"T MATTER". We can't change people. We can only be tricked by an illusion. We need to detach and surrender. When we do this we can get either immediate relief or it may take a while. For some it may never come. But it can and will get better! We don't have to put up with abuse or abandon therapy. we only need to put our "emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical hands back in our own pockets and leave them there".
Detaching is about dealing with our feelings, facing our fears about loss of control, and gaining control over our responsibilities to ourselves. "Free others to be who they are. In doing so, you will set yourself free".
Activities (paraphrased)
1.) Write a few paragraphs on an event or person that you are trying to control and why
2.) How are you being controlled (mentally, physically, emotionally etc..) Are YOU being controlled?
3.) What would happen to you and the other person/situation if you detached? Will it happen anyway, even while trying to control them/it? Are you and the other person benefitting by your trying to control? Does your "trying to control" effect any outcomes?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I've caught up! Yay!
I used to live like Maria. Chained to the house 'babysitting' XAH. Joined at the hip and unable to do anything without him there. We both worked the same hours so work was my only escape. And I still lost myself. Desperate, as XAH's drinking was escalating, I started to educate myself. I found this site. I went to counselling. I read and read and read. And what I read started to sink in. Losing the scales from my eyes was painful. And realising that I was powerless was even worse.
The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.
This quote hit me hard when I first read it. Today, I accept it. When I started to detach from trying to control I imagined a sensation of falling backwards, of releasing my death grip on what I couldn't control anyway. I need to remember to let go of what I can't control. Release my grip. Easier said than done at times though!
I used to live like Maria. Chained to the house 'babysitting' XAH. Joined at the hip and unable to do anything without him there. We both worked the same hours so work was my only escape. And I still lost myself. Desperate, as XAH's drinking was escalating, I started to educate myself. I found this site. I went to counselling. I read and read and read. And what I read started to sink in. Losing the scales from my eyes was painful. And realising that I was powerless was even worse.
The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.
This quote hit me hard when I first read it. Today, I accept it. When I started to detach from trying to control I imagined a sensation of falling backwards, of releasing my death grip on what I couldn't control anyway. I need to remember to let go of what I can't control. Release my grip. Easier said than done at times though!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Well, This chapter and the activities bring me right back around to Mr. Big. Which is almost embarrassing at this point! I was thinking that maybe I'd write this the REAL response (because it's where my head is) in a notebook and then pick something else to babble about in this thread. Like my stbx.
Only, the thing is, it wouldn't be honest. Would it? In recovery we will only get as well as we are honest. Right now my reality is I could give a rats @ss about what my stbx is doing or not doing! As long as it doesn't effect the children. So, Mr. Big is weighing heavily on my mind as he's been a sincere staple in my life for many more years than the stbx. So, here we go AGAIN:
1.) Write a few paragraphs on an event or person that you are trying to control and why
Mr. Big has now deemed it impossible for him to have any kind of romantic relationship. Right after spending a weekend with Meeeeee! WTF. So, now I feel like I've destroyed all hope this man had of ever finding a healthy relationship. Not to mention, ruining all chances of one with me. This is what MY CODIE SIDE is trying to do:
1.) Play physchiatrist - I've now diagnosed him with Avoidant Personality Disorder (which is weird 'cause I found a thread with a couple codie women talking about being involved with this type - All could have been dating the SAME man). The thing is IT DOESN'T MATTER and It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!
2.) Hiding motives? Told him that I've accepted that we'll never have a relationship. That I truly miss my friend. The thing is, I'm not sure I have accepted that. I have no idea where my motives truly lay. I'm trying tho!
3.) Wanting to control his emotions. He's depressed and I am hell bent on FIXING that.
Why am I doing all this? Because I want to feel better.
2.) How are you being controlled (mentally, physically, emotionally etc..) Are YOU being controlled?
Am I being controlled? YES would be an understatement! I'm fixated still on fixing this whole situation. In my wee pea brain, the only way to do this is to have HIM cooperate. Which, he's not. Surprise, surprise.
3.) What would happen to you and the other person/situation if you detached? Will it happen anyway, even while trying to control them/it? Are you and the other person benefitting by your trying to control? Does your "trying to control" effect any outcomes?
Okay, I'm really trying to detach. I'm trying to get untangled. I'm making real strides. He indicated that he will try to come out from his cave next week to resume our friendship. So, I need to get this NOW. I don't want to screw it all to hell again. We've always had a very nice friendship. Except, I feel like I suck at being his friend!!! Because my stupid feelings get in the way. And if I have feelings, I need to act on them because what I feel is always RIGHT!
I know what would happen should I be able to detach. We'd be good friends. I was detached for years. My "trying to control" his feelings and our relationship has ended BADLY. With both of us spinning our heads wondering what the hell just happened. I ignored his relationship concerns and voided his feelings because they did not fit into my MASTER PLAN.
<sigh>
On a lighter note. I'm getting out today. I've been isolating which just makes everything worse. So, today I'm going to take care of ME. Going to see Alice in Wonderland maybe. Oh, and a fun meeting tonite that I've never been to. It's a "gong" meeting. If someone talks and you don't like what they're saying. You can go up and hit the GONG. And they have to shut up! :-)
Only, the thing is, it wouldn't be honest. Would it? In recovery we will only get as well as we are honest. Right now my reality is I could give a rats @ss about what my stbx is doing or not doing! As long as it doesn't effect the children. So, Mr. Big is weighing heavily on my mind as he's been a sincere staple in my life for many more years than the stbx. So, here we go AGAIN:
1.) Write a few paragraphs on an event or person that you are trying to control and why
Mr. Big has now deemed it impossible for him to have any kind of romantic relationship. Right after spending a weekend with Meeeeee! WTF. So, now I feel like I've destroyed all hope this man had of ever finding a healthy relationship. Not to mention, ruining all chances of one with me. This is what MY CODIE SIDE is trying to do:
1.) Play physchiatrist - I've now diagnosed him with Avoidant Personality Disorder (which is weird 'cause I found a thread with a couple codie women talking about being involved with this type - All could have been dating the SAME man). The thing is IT DOESN'T MATTER and It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!
2.) Hiding motives? Told him that I've accepted that we'll never have a relationship. That I truly miss my friend. The thing is, I'm not sure I have accepted that. I have no idea where my motives truly lay. I'm trying tho!
3.) Wanting to control his emotions. He's depressed and I am hell bent on FIXING that.
Why am I doing all this? Because I want to feel better.
2.) How are you being controlled (mentally, physically, emotionally etc..) Are YOU being controlled?
Am I being controlled? YES would be an understatement! I'm fixated still on fixing this whole situation. In my wee pea brain, the only way to do this is to have HIM cooperate. Which, he's not. Surprise, surprise.
3.) What would happen to you and the other person/situation if you detached? Will it happen anyway, even while trying to control them/it? Are you and the other person benefitting by your trying to control? Does your "trying to control" effect any outcomes?
Okay, I'm really trying to detach. I'm trying to get untangled. I'm making real strides. He indicated that he will try to come out from his cave next week to resume our friendship. So, I need to get this NOW. I don't want to screw it all to hell again. We've always had a very nice friendship. Except, I feel like I suck at being his friend!!! Because my stupid feelings get in the way. And if I have feelings, I need to act on them because what I feel is always RIGHT!
I know what would happen should I be able to detach. We'd be good friends. I was detached for years. My "trying to control" his feelings and our relationship has ended BADLY. With both of us spinning our heads wondering what the hell just happened. I ignored his relationship concerns and voided his feelings because they did not fit into my MASTER PLAN.
<sigh>
On a lighter note. I'm getting out today. I've been isolating which just makes everything worse. So, today I'm going to take care of ME. Going to see Alice in Wonderland maybe. Oh, and a fun meeting tonite that I've never been to. It's a "gong" meeting. If someone talks and you don't like what they're saying. You can go up and hit the GONG. And they have to shut up! :-)
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
In a nutshell: Basically I'm worried about him slowly turning into Howard Hughes minus the OCD and It's MY job to fix it. :-P
The bold quote up there Bookwrm, that's going to be my motto for the upcoming week!
The bold quote up there Bookwrm, that's going to be my motto for the upcoming week!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Alizerin 
Play physchiatrist - I've now diagnosed him with Avoidant Personality Disorder
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by alanonicnov2008
My sponsor says that! She used to say it when I was trying to bend myself backwards to try to get my relationship to work. It's pretty perfect.
Sort of quick and to the point.
Like,
"you want to be right, or you want to be happy?"
I like that one too.'
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