Persevere

I was told to be prepared and expect ups and downs when a family member returns from rehab, but I was not ready.
After she returned and met up with her sponsor I expected she would come home and we would talk about her treatment. I was wrong. Her and I met up with our therapist after no communication following her first week in rehab because she told me it was distracting her from her goals. She started texting me when she got out, but no voice contact.
I have been supportive and encouraged her from the beginning to take on the disease of addiction and being codependent. When we met up yesterday she had some feelings she wanted to share. I was open to listening, but as she talked I felt like I was on trial. I felt sad not knowing I had caused her pain, but I know we both have responsibilities in the issues during ten years together and five of them married.
I am trying to be understanding as she did not know how I would react.
I still feel positive and supportive. She feels afraid to come home and is staying with her parents.
It just made me take inventory of myself and what had occured in the past. What an awakening! I need help at this stage. I am studying the 12 steps, BB and going to Al ANON meetings. Anything else I can do besides being a loving and supportive husband?

I have received direction and support from this forum. Thank you all.

CAPTAINZING2000

Unless you have alcohol or drugs in the house, why did she say she was staying with her parents? Will they baby her??

wicked

I am confused Persevere. Are you a recovering alcoholic/addict?
I mean, you are supposed to take responsibility for your actions, but it sounds like you were unaware of the pain you caused her. What pain was this?
When does she take responsibility for her own misery and suffering while addicted?
If she is blaming you for her addiction, then she got nothing from rehab. Nothing.
I suggest you get to AlAnon and start taking care of yourself.
She might be doing you a big favor by separating now, it doesn't sound like she gets it, or does not want to resume or work on your marriage.
Beth

Freedom1990

She is probably feeling very raw and vulnerable right now. Being fresh out of rehab can be a terrifying experience. I know because it was difficult for me when I first got out. Fortunately I had so many responsibilities that I was staying busy most of the time.

When I wasn't busy, when I had those rare moments of just me being by myself, floods of emotion would come pouring over me. That is very scary to someone who's used to self-medicating feelings. I had a hard time even defining what those emotions were!

Expectations are resentments just waiting to happen. One of the stories in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about "the higher my expectations, the lower my serenity" (paraphrased).

That has been so true for me.

The best help you can be to anyone is to put your own recovery and well-being first and foremost.

Persevere

She has issues with both her parents and myself about the past that were dredged up during rehab. I think staying with her parents is a choice she made because they will not push her into talking about issues that are emotional and I will.

wicked

Thank you Persevere.
I hope you will help yourself while your wife is at her parents.
I agree with Freedom and the expectations will lead to resentments.
Talking about emotional issues is very tough right now.
Take yours to a meeting.
Beth

Freedom1990

When my EXAH went through rehab before I did, I thought they were going to fix him, send him home, and we'd live happily ever after.

Not only did they not fix him, he went out and shot dope/drank whiskey the day he got out, and we did not live happily ever after.

I'm a bit concerned that you say you would push her into talking about issues that are emotional.

Is there a reason for that?

I realize I'm only hearing one side of the story here, but I get the feeling she felt she needed an emotionally 'safe' place to go after rehab, and isn't prepared to tackle the issues between you and her right now.

Rehab can be a great start to a new beginning in recovery, but there is much work that lies ahead.

Whether we are recovering codependents and/or recovering alcoholics/addicts, we process, learn, and grow at our own individual paces.

My best suggestion would be to continue to focus on yourself and your recovery. Give her some time, and let her work on her own issues.

Freedom1990

You might want to go back and reread his post. I didn't see anywhere that he said she blamed him for her addiction.

Learn2Live

"Anything else I can do besides being a loving and supportive husband?"

Yes. Take good care of yourself the best you possibly can. Don't hesitate or be afraid to reach out or ask for help. Give yourSELF the emotional space YOU need from her. And watch funny movies and do something fun or enjoyable.

ChildrenB4AW

Persevere - Recovery is a long and winding road. Take comfort in the fact that your wife went to rehab. There are many reasons why she may decide it's better for her to stay at her parents - regardless of whether it's a "good" reason on not; that's the choice that she has made. We really are not in a position to judge the decisions that our AWs make as part of their recovery. What went on during your wife's stay at rehab is really between her, her therapist and her sponsor. You may be curious, but it's really not helpful to her or your recovery. What you hope is that she starts to use some of the communication techniques that she learned during her stay. I always find that it's helpful to be thankful for what we have - your wife is sober, you each have some space to focus on your own recovery. It sounds like you are going to joint therapy which is great. I think you're on the right path, but this will take time.

When my wife came back from her first stint in rehab, she told me that she would never get those 28 days back, and that it would take a long time for her to forgive me for "making" her go. Not surprisingly, she was drinking 5 days later. She completed her 3rd stint in rehab and 12 months in a halfway house, and stayed sober for 18 months, then started drinking and driving with our 4 little girls. I think (hope) that we have about 90 days to go before our divorce is finalized. I'm happy that my wife will be free to do as she pleases while minimizing the impact on me or our children. This really is one tough disease.

Give yourself and your wife some time.

Jazzman

My ex had lots of issues to work on much less relationship issues with every one in her life. I had to remind myself that addiction and relationships are two separate issues that all though they intermingle are not the same issues. I think addiction recovery and marriage counseling are two entirely different problem solving processes.

I understand that any good recovery program will have the patient doing a lot of soul searching and that's a good thing. However in the haze of early recovery it's easy to loose sight of the fact that everybody deals with life's challenges in their own way, some healthy and some not so healthy. If my partner "hurt me" I don't deal with it my self medicating.

I'm curious, and feel free to ignore my question if I'm being too personal, just what was it you did to hurt her?

ICant

I just want to offer some support for you. My husband is 14 months sober. My husband's sobriety in the first month - more verbally and emotionally abusive than he had ever been. I was thinking if this didn't improve I would be out the door even though he was sober. The next two months were getting better but still abusive. By the time he was three months sober, the mood swings had stabilised but we had to independently heal from the effects of his addiction and my co-dependence. That took about a year where we were living under the same roof, treating each other with respect but no emotional intimacy. That emotional connection is only coming now. So in short, we both had to heal, in order for the marriage to stand a chance.

wicked

Yep, I read something into it that wasn't there.
sorry Persevere.
My own issues coming to the fore.
Beth

Kassie2

I suggest that you find a place to support yourself first, (that does not mean to take all the blame) and support her second. At some point, you have to let her learn how to take responsbility for her illness and learn how to recover. you really cannot help with that - it is her work.

You also have work to do with yourself and your experience which you have to take responsibility for and learn how to live differently. Again, it isn't your job to be the perfect spouse and then she will be ok -

Look into and talk to others here or readings or at alanon about whether some boundaries need to be set here and what they might be to support the work you both need to do.

Persevere

I'm curious, and feel free to ignore my question if I'm being too personal, just what was it you did to hurt her?[/QUOTE from JAZZMAN]

She shared her "feelings" from our session with the admission that she had not communicated to me some things she had done against her will or did not say anything. one was that I said I wouls stalk her if we separated and another was she had sex with me when she did not want to and did it just to please me. She feared I would be angry. She has history in her childhood of her Dad yelling at her.
I would call it dissapointment for her to not be honest with me how she felt.
This is the co dependent part of her, correct?

Please excuse me if I did not paste the quote from someone correctly.
New to this forum.
Thank you all. One day at a time!

Bernadette

Having sex with someone when I don't want to is MY fault. Unless there is an element of force, or threat of violence....

peace-
b

Freedom1990

I am quite sure that was completely terrifying for her to share those feelings. That shows a willingness to be vulnerable, and start addressing some things.

What concerns me is why you are so focused on her, and now what you perceive as her codependency based on what she opened up with in the session.

We need to look at our side of the street, not theirs. We need to look at the part we played in the dysfunction of the relationship/marriage to an alcoholic.

It really was quite painful, when I finally realized I was codependent to the max, to start looking at the part I played in all the failed marriages and relationships.

Up until that point, it was always about 'them' and how they had wronged me.

It was painful, but very freeing for me.

coyote21

Sorry about the hijack, but you are my new hero. Good job protecting those kids of yours.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

littlefish

I don't know if this relates to anything, but when I got chronic and my alcoholism was at it's worse, my husband would like to have sex with me when I was more or less passed out drunk. That would really freak me out because he knew how drunk I was.

A couple of times I was pretty much in black out mode or brown out mode and I was a brain dead blowup doll at that point. But he found that sex was okay with a woman who was more or less passed out. I vaguelly remember my limbs being moved around and being set up for various positions.

I am trying to rediscover sober sex now, but those memories hurt me.

barb dwyer

There's where we're getting the idea she dumped it all on you.

I'm glad to read further and find out it wasn't COMPLETELY that.

What I'm NOT seeing -
is talk of meetings? Yours? What are YOu doing introspectively/actiontaking to learn more about your codependency?

Sorry if I'm missing that somewhere.