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dimishing/minimizing behaviors

Old 03-19-2010, 09:31 AM
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dimishing/minimizing behaviors

I find that as I look back at previous posts that I have made here on SR I remember how terrible some of the things my AH has done. It drives me crazy that I have this ability to in my head make everything be, "not that bad", knowing that if anyone told me that they were being treated the way I was that I would tell them to leave. I was sitting talking to my mom today about some of these things, and she kept saying, "Why are you still there?" - exactly what I think, but then when I talk to him, he is so crafty and making it all about what I have done to him and how I have wronged him, and even though I KNOW this is not true it gets to me. I have got to get better aboutt his - I now this relationship is SO unhealthy and I am SO tired or hurting, why is it that he either shifts all the blame to me or I diminish his behavior to be not as bad as it really is???????????????
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:49 AM
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he either shifts all the blame to me...

Does he?

I have got to get better about this

Or do you?

**

This is a wicked cycle to break. You are so used to being at fault and having to fix this relationship that even in seeking out answers in your recovery you put the requirement on you to fix something.

I wanted to change my self talk too and stop listening to my EX. A year later and it is still a daily struggle to change the things I tell myself. What I don't have anymore is someone fighting against it. There is only one voice I answer to...mine. There is only one presence guiding me...my higher power's. Without addiction lording over my life via my XABF, I will heal. Without him blaming me for all things and without him telling me how unworthy I am, I will rise.

IMO, you are trying to tackle the hardest bit first...changing self talk and self validation. Why not try something easier (although I won't bet it will feel easier) and that's detachment. His opinion is his own and he can keep it to himself. Stop seeking him out for answers to your relationship woes and he can't put them all on you. Stop looking to him for your self worth and he can't bring it down.

With understanding,
Alice
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:49 AM
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Oh yeah. I've done that.

I was able to talk myself out of all of my goals because of the jedi mind tricks.

I started my relationship thinking I deserved to have a family, get married, by the end (and forgive me if I'm repeating myself from another post it just sums it up so well), I was begging god to please just let him stop taking inappropriate photos of his friends in his hotel room while on business trips and post them on facebook.

This is part of the game of power and control.

Can I just tell you that it's much better out here without the alcoholic in tow? I'm free, free of the abusive behaviors, the control tactics...not only his, but mine. This disease makes us behave in a way that isn't very graceful either.
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:52 AM
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Are you looking for his permission or approval before you can leave? If he's never going to give it, does that mean you're never going to be able to leave?

BTW, you can leave him for no good reason at all. It is perfectly acceptable to leave because the tarot told you to, or he's a taurus, or because his shoe size is size 10.

Or maybe it's hard to leave because you can't envision what life will be like without him. Where will you live, HOW will you live, what will fill up your days? Maybe the future seems like a bleak, gray mist filled with lonliness and pitfalls. List your fears and tackle them.

1. I'll have to go bankrupt. (so go bankrupt and then live responsibly and in 24 months you'll have decent credit again). Don't do it and 24 months from now you'll be in the same place you are now.

2. I don't have a car, how will I get around? (Check out public transportation, maybe you can make it work for you, or a scooter, or someone you know has a second hand car you can borrow while they work out of state, or you can car pool, or once you figure it out, taking a taxi to shop is cheaper than owning a car, etc...).

3. I can only afford $400 a month for rent: Where will I live (well, how about a room for rent, people are renting out attics and basements and extra bedrooms in nice neighborhoods, maybe with your family or a friend, maybe an efficiency over by the college, etc...)

Etc...

Whatever is on your list, envision a practical solution--maybe not your first choice solution, but a workable one. And then imagine yourself living happily and peacefully in that scenario. Imagine painting the walls of your little efficiency yellow so it looks like the sun is always shining and getting a pink floral comforter for you bed. Sign up at the Y for activities, or join Meet Up, or take a class in the evenings, so you don't feel lonely. Work out a budget. Peruse the internet for recipes for one and imagine cooking lovely meals just for yourself or for yourself and a friend. If you had never met the man, how would you want to live? Live that way.
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:55 AM
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I'm lucky that I don't minimise what my ex did and simply stopped listening to her minimising the horrendous things she has done.

I would get out if I were you. I've been out for months and I'm still grappling with this stuff.
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Old 03-19-2010, 01:30 PM
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It's crazy making.

Let me tell you: I had a dream the other night about my AH. In the dream he was cooking a steak, and needed to drain some fat off the pan so he reached in the oven and scooped some of the hot fat out with his hand and tossed it into the bathtub.

I, of course, had a fit and was trying to get him to put his hand in cold water and go to the ER. He, of course, was telling me his behavior was perfectly normal while he started screaming from pain and the skin started to peel off of his hand.

Then I woke up. And I realized something, that was no off the wall dream. That was every day stuff for my AH. And every.single.time I allowed him to make me feel the fool for thinking his behavior was bizarre. For believing him when he said it was all me, being critical or belittling him, or whatever the excuse of the day was.

This is what people refer to when they say they "lost themselves". We lose the ability to make judgment calls, we lose trust in ourselves. It's a very very bad place to be.
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Old 03-19-2010, 01:44 PM
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Curled up in a good book...
 
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stillwaters, I recognise my marriage in this post soo much its spooky...
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Old 03-19-2010, 04:49 PM
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With mine it just died. A slowww torturous death. In the end I didn't care who was to blame or what I did to him or what he did to me. It was a moot point by then.
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Old 03-19-2010, 04:59 PM
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Well, at least you're seeing it?

And hopefully you're seeing it's not going to get better by itself?

At some point you'll ask yourself 'why am I still here',
just like your mother asked.
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Old 03-19-2010, 06:07 PM
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this is great! You can see!

For me, I think I finally just snapped. This last month, between the two A's in my life, I've just had enough. I did this in September, too, when I moved out. I feel the same exhiliaration and sheer joy that I did when I left AH back then.

Going No Contact, for me, is essential for me to be able to reflect back, own my sh1t, and start operating from a ME ME ME point of view, which I've got to tell ya, I'M REALLY LOVING.

I am aware right now of all the "red flags" I ignored, before things got ridiculously ugly and unbearable.

I also think I"m a prime candidate for diminishing abusive or otherwise unhealthy behavior because of the child abuse I experienced. Taught me up to freeze, shift into denial and just try to deal with ugly stuff from the folks I think I love.

But that ain't love. It's a betrayal that I mistake for love because that's all I knew. I"m trying to master what i couldn't in childhood. it's sad, it's sick and I'm going to learn how to expect, recieve and demand love and respect for myself.

for me, getting to the point where I create clear boundaries is a freaking miracle.
I feel like I can finally be the real me. And I like her.

Here's the post I made this morning about it
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-im-left.html
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:33 PM
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My husband will outright deny behaviors situations etc. that I myself witnessed and I somehow in the end go along with him and doubt myself. Most days I want to wake in in the morning in a new life..with a husband that looks forward to spend time with me and not with anyone else that will drink with him. I want to cut out that horrible painful part of actually leaving. The last time I tried talking about it he put a major guilt trip on me telling me how I will ruin his life, he can't afford to live on his own He is laid off and decided to go back to College where drinking and getting high before class is cool and all great for 19-20 year olds and there he is right in there with them. I sometimes am embarressed for him. I am a social drinker and that is not good enough for him...he needs to act like an ass,spend all our money, act inappropriatly and god knows what else and I always end up sucking it up.
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:30 AM
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With my relationship with my ABF, I always go back to "I just love him so very much. I love those times when everything's clicking. I feel SOOO comfortable with him, and trust him - emotionally - with my stuff, life stuff" But I think if we can stand at a distance and look at the relationship from afar, like it's someone else, we will see a different picture. Maybe that stuff that I feel about the relationship, just isn't enough for it to be as satisfying as a r.ship should be.
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:45 AM
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I think we all have been through this dialogue with the A and in our own heads.

Living in the situation made it harder to detach and allow him to have his opinions and maintain my own opinion. At some point my husband caught on then that became the issue - we have so many different opionions and nothing in common etc. (and all the time it became clearer that of course an active A and a non A would not agree on much nor have much in common)

Living apart really allowed me to see and hear more clearly the crazy making arguments and detach without much emotionalism or disruption. When he got sober, some of it continues and so we are still not under the same roof. I discovered that the distance allows us both to withdraw and review our positions and take more responsibility for them without putting it on the other.

I suspect the place to begin is to believe in yourself and your opinion - rt or wrong - it is allowed. You have to allow the same for him. If it results in a decision getting stuck then consider step two which is to find a compromise and let him quack if necessary. Just set the boundary that his quacking about you has to be done outside of your ears. (I used to do that and it was funny the ways he would attempt to do this - I also did this with my kids when they were teens and it really helped me) Hearing things from another room gave me the space I needed to translate and let go.

It can be a very difficulty place to be, but the remedy is within you and beleiving in yourself. Go with the notion that you are right and if you need to compromise you will, and if you can't then let him deal with that. Stop trying to make him do what you think he should be doing - he has to figure that out.
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:09 AM
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While reading some responses....it got me thinking....that acknowleding this behavior is one thing, but I MUST do something about it. MY take on my situation right now is that I just don't take his bologna anymore.....I won't listen to it, I won't engage in it, I won't acknowledge it....and NOW for hte first time I DO call him out on his inappropriate behaviors. Of course, this ticks him off.....but somehow I just don't care anymore. I almost feel like....and this is somewhat horrible to say....if I detach and stop enabling he will leave, and somehow "let me off the hook" - which is a cheap way out....but I am not the person I was 6 months ago...I am strong again, and I don't his crap....and well....I know if he doesn't leave on his own and some point I will be the one making the decision and that is fine with me too! Love is not a word that I could even relate to with him right now, let alone like and I can't live with that forever!
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:10 AM
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I found that living apart gave me the space I needed to "see" our relationship without being in the thick of it. We've been apart for 3 days shy of 6 months, and I am not going back to living in that hell. But while living in it, I rationalized what I did so I could survive the chaos.

Being outside now, wow, what a difference. He can live in his own denial - but keep me out of it. (Detaching is so much easier when you can go NC)
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Old 03-21-2010, 09:04 AM
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1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
 
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It is called a " overly sensitive conscience." An aim to be your picture of perfect instead of an honest evaluation inside the blame game?

Are you harder on yourself then he is with you?
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