Duped

How do you get past the constant low level anxiety caused by the bullying behaviour?

I find myself constant stressing over the lies she is telling people to make me look bad. It has reached cacophonous proportions. I find myself constantly remunerating (?) it. I keep telling myself I'm the one with the good career, I'm the one who has been stable and earned a living. I'm the one who wasn't in rehab......

They really keep you off balance with this stuff. Not to mention I have a fear of false accusations from her, that she'd even maybe be vindictive enough to lie to the police that I was physically abusive in order to get back at me.

This is why I do not go to her house ever. I won't put myself in the position of being falsely accused as she has done with her own ex husband. I have taken action with a mediator saying that I don't want to be around her and I'm even scared that when it's my turn with our daughter to even be near the ex to pick my daughter up.

Ugh. I guess I have to play it smart at all times, but that's no way to live, in fear like that.

nodaybut2day

I understand where you're coming from. My X was an excon, he had weapons in the house, he self-mutilated, he broke things in front of me, he cut himself to prove how much *I* had hurt him, he punched walls until his knuckles were a bloody ruin, he YELLED a lot and called me "insane". When I left, he threatened to take my child to another province. He threatened to reveal videos where I supposedly said I was a child pornography addict. He threatened to make me lose my job, to call my family, and to tell everyone I'd been a stripper (which I had).

I eventually made a list of ALL the things I feared from him (I like lists), and then addressed them one by one. The job thing was an issue so I spoke with my boss and then with the HR director about my situation; they reassured me. I spoke with a lawyer about my past, about the supposed videos, about the threat to take my child; she reassured me. I figured out where I stood legally and it helped me feel safer. I took measures to ensure that I was ALWAYS accompanied when XAH and I exchanged DD.

As for your X telling other people stupid stuff about you...well...that's not something you can control and eventually, it's something you can learn to let slide off your back. Remember why you left her, remember what YOU want for yourself and your child...the other stuff is just stupid adolescent bull$hit reminiscent of writing insults and dirty words about someone in the girls' washroom.

And so, I offer you my à propos French proverb:
"La pluie de tes insultes n'atteint pas le parapluie de mon indifférence"
(The rain of your insults cannot penetrate the umbrella of my indifference)

Let it rain baby

wicked

Duped,

I don't see you as playing it smart, I see this as doing it smart.
I understand how hard it is to get over the lies they tell other people.
My ex's family was the only family in this area. The truth came out in time.
Keep your distance is smart.
Talking to a mediator is smart.
You know how she plays this game (to her) so you are prepared. That is smart.
Keep being smart. Your anxiety will lessen.
Beth

wicked

I just love this. I must learn to pronounce it correctly. parapluie is delightful.
Become indifferent, Duped, it is the only way. And stay smart.

Duped

Thanks luv, I forgot about that proverb. That's some sound advice. Your situation was/is far scarier than my own is. At least I can physically distance myself without real fear of stalking or other such antisocial behaviour. Thankfully, mine has a very big ego, and isn't the sort to come chasing. I left her, and yes, she is indignant, but not to that point. There is at least some semblance of self esteem there in that she won't do any chasing. The only way she would want me is as a complete and devoted slave, on my knees, and most definitely not on any sort of equal footing. Which is why she was furious when I went to a mediator.

EDIT: Atteint...I have never been able to figure out the pronunciation of that word, even after years and year of French in school.

nodaybut2day

Well, doesn't it just suck to be her then?

It's the nasal "ein" sound that's tough for English speakers...

wicked

I took four years of French in high school. We practiced and practiced that "ein".
Hmm, maybe there is a certain attitude required.
Yes, I will practice with attitude.

CAPTAINZING2000

Always best to take the high road.

Don't give them anything to use against you. Your friends and family accept you for who you are. The people that don't like you, it's not going to matter anyway.


Look in the mirror who do you see???

GiveLove

This is my mantra today.

Thank you, noday.

And duped -- I'm sorry you're going through this, but keep up the caution. Eventually she will find another victim, and baiting you will become boring. Pray that day comes soon!

Duped

Oh, it's that. I'm not as bad as that as most English speakers but I certainly didn't see it in that word. It is somewhat like the Quebecois pronunciation of 'Oui' is it not?

nodaybut2day

Yep...instead of saying "Oui", we québécois say "Ouain"...REAL classy sounding :p

wicked

Okay, I gotta give on this one. LOL
I will say it in English, with my nose slightly upturned.
Attitude.

alanonicnov2008

I so hear you. I had this happen to me too. Character assassination. It's a way to make sure you don't feel too entitled to your happiness.

Duped

Meh, never bothered me. I ski in Tremblant every year and go to Montreal frequently. A lovely province IMO.

Duped

It's hard to drown it out. But I guess someone has to be the bad guy in all this, because it certainly was never her, in her mind. Which coincidentally is the attitude that ended her up 98 lbs soaking wet, sickly and on her way to rehab.

Some days I feel like moving to another province and just forgetting this ever happened.

Maybe I'll move to Montreal and meet a nice Catholic Quebecois girl....

wicked

there is hope, duped.

Duped

Yeah. The irony is our respective A's may not even be suffering as much as us...

CAPTAINZING2000

She's empowering you as you speak right now!!

Duped

I'm not sure I understand?

CAPTAINZING2000

What ties are there between you two right now?