Summerpeach

I'm always on the search for answers, I need to know why, how, how come, when, and for what.
I read books, then I read more books, then I get to therapy, couples therapy, al anon and AA. I talk to family, friends and others in my situation.
I write in my journal, I listen to every show that talks about addictions.
I'm a mean/lean looking for answer machine!

But my seeking journey has weakened me, made me obsessed, caused me to feel crazy where before, I didn't feel any "crazy"

The answers you seek come in many forms and certain extremes. You hear so much input, you actually can no longer think for yourself because there is too many "answers" going around in your head, there is no room for how you actually feel.

When I talk or take actions I asked myself "Were those words or those actions too codependent of me".
I'll will be out and want to get my boyfriend something, let's say a new shirt. and think "Oh, is this too codie, I need to detach, STOP STOP STOP"
I feel depressed, anxious, bitter and angry.
Sleep evades me many nights, food doesn't taste as good and fun is just not something I have anymore. How can I? I'm too busy being a paranoid recovery codependent and looking for answers to every little action or noise.

If I'm with an addict, I must be a raging codie. How else can one label their behavior? I constantly need to mind my "p's" and "q's" and make sure I don't step out of line of the code of codie conduct.
My group (on and off line) shares their lives and tips for happiness, but I don't see too many happy face. I see many women who's been through hell and back. Many on antidepressants, many paranoid, burnt out, tired, scared and bordering on crazy! All of this caused from years of living in "reality"

I'm losing my mind from all the "answer seeking" and feel it's time to go into "healthy denial" for a while; just forget the rules of detachment, forget that I'm a codie.

Denial, like any antidepressant or anti anxiety drug, will bide me some time to get my head calm. To heal my obsessive thinking. To get me "over the bump" as they put it.
Then when I'm ready to face reality again, I can do it with a mind that is not so crazy, paranoid and drained from all the answer seeking.
There is some sanity to be found in denail

Healthy denial, here I come

bookwyrm

I'm one of the people here on anti depressants, burnt out, scared and a little paranoid. But I would disagree with you that this is because I'm living in 'reality'. Coming out of my denial and emerging from the hell I lived in has left wounds that will take time to heal. But the most damaging wounds are those that were caused when living with XAH in denial. These are what has caused me to struggle with depression (I struggled with depression when living with XAH too). Recovery and healing are, to me, a process. I need to heal from what living in denial actually did to me and my self esteem and self respect. Living in 'reality' is the only way I can heal - denial just adds to my pain. I suspect that once I'm further on the road in my recovery that I may well drop off these boards as I need the support here less and less.

It is your choice to return to living in denial - but aren't you worth so much more than that? Wasn't it living in denial that brought you here in the first place? How do you define 'healthy' denial?

Summerpeach

With all due respect, my thread is not directed at anyone but ME!

We all heal differently. Living in reality is the only way to go, but there are times one just needs to take a break from all the madness and hide out for a while.

My entire post defines healthy reality (to me) so not sure how much more I can define it.

And are you saying I don't feel I am worth anything because I want to "turn off the madness" for a while not not douse myself in answer seeking for a while. That is a little insulting actually!
You see, here's the thing, I do think I am worth more. That is why I've decided to turn off the madness for a while and gain my sanity back

Summerpeach

and I need to add, I didn't make this thread to tell others how to heal, this is what I'm going to do for ME today to make my head a little less nuts!


We all heal in different ways......

Duped

Summerpeach I can totally relate to this thread. Yesterday it was nice and warm up here in Canada and I thought to myself, when was the last time I truly let go, stopped obsessing and enjoyed a beautiful sunny day without a care in the world?

I think that everyday we should all put aside enough time and practice telling ourselves to stop worrying and enjoy. It's one of the hardest things - actually putting the three C's into practice.

I lament the life I have lost by getting so entangled with an alcoholic.

I think we all have trouble being selfish, even a little selfish, on this messageboard.

littlefish

I know you have made it clear that this is about you, but, you have also put it out here on a discussion forum, so I hope you don't mind if I respond to that comment.

Are you sure you mean denial, or do you mean something else? Denial is not like an antidepressent at all, it is a state of mind where someone is refusing to accept reality. Denial can't be good, anyway you look at it.

On the other hand, I can certainly understand just putting the books down, taking a break from the meetings, and back off for a while, take a rest so to speak: just concentrate on yourself.

Summerpeach

LittleFish: no, I mean denial

I'll share a quick story. I used to work in a cancer clinic. Seriously sick people who were on chemo and dying.
There was one man who always walked in happy and joking around. I got to know him.
He told me when he was diagnosed, everything was gloomy. His daughter and wife research, tried to get answers, told what to eat and told him what he can and can't do
He smile and thanked them and lived his life on his own terms. He never believed he was dying, even though he was told me was. He never stopped playing golf, going to work and would sneak his little shot of whiskey every now and again.
When I asked him how he did it, he said "healthy denial. I don't believe I'm dying and don't need to talk about my illness every day. If I think it's not there it's not there"
He was given 6-9 months to live, That was in 1991 and he died last year of old age.

Healthy denial saved his sanity for the time he was in recovery. It doesn't mean he didn't work his "program" of chemo and taking care of himself, it means he stayed away from all the "panic" of the situation.

I know there is a "cancer" in my life. An issue of codependency, but I need to back away from a while and believe I'm "not dying"

bookwyrm

Summerpeach, this is the quote I was addressing in my post. Everyone does heal differently, and I was merely sharing my experience with you. This is what I thought these boards were for - sharing your experiences.

Living in denial and indulging my codie habits hurt me. It damaged me and I will be a long time repairing that damage. I'm having a hard time reconciling my experience of uncontrolled codieism to your 'healthy' denial. This is why I asked you for further clarification. I didn't mean to be insulting but I am having difficulty in understanding where you're coming from which is why I asked the questions I did. My codie side was my madness. Recovery here is turning that off for me. So by embracing your inner codie, to me, it sounds like you're embracing that madness.

LaTeeDa

It does seem a bit like saying "I know smoking is bad for me, but it's really hard to stop. So, I'm going to pretend it's not bad for me."

L

Saint Francis

I get what you mean. But really, all the books, meetings, talking etc. was to get you to this point. It is really more about detachment than denial. So look at it this way, you're focusing on you and not obsessing or answer-seeking which is ironically what the goal is/was. It's just like that cancer patient you were referring to who focused on living, not dying. It can only be a good thing. So, don't look at is as "healthy denial" but as "hallelujah!"

alanonicnov2008

Buying a shirt for someone is not codependent, if you are involved with them.

Buying a shirt for someone who you don't even know, or buying a shirt for someone because you really want to make sure he doesn't wear a shirt you don't like or to spruce him up for a job interview you want him to go on -- that's codependency.

I have moments too where I'm circling in my head over and over things to try to figure out "what was that?". That's obsessive compulsive stuff which is part of the disease. That's not recovery.

I see denial as not just one veil of self-deception but many veils, one layered on top of another. I had to remove my veil of dependency to see my codependency veil. Now that the codependency veil is lifting I'm seeing another veil of dependency -- my love addiction. I was sad a few days ago because I thought because I'm feeling worse and seeing more that my recovery was moving backwards, but that's not the case, I just can't see it all at once, it comes in waves.

I had one of those obsessive nights last night, it's shame, guilt, fear, sadness all mixed up. I feel ashamed of who I was, guilty for what I did, afraid of my future, and sad for the past. I spoke to my sponsor this morning and she told me that what she does when that happens is she gets up and cleans a drawer, or does some other mindless activity. She didn't tell me to read the 12 and 12. She told me to distract myself.

We need to stop thinking now and again! That's recovery!

GiveLove

I understand what you're trying to do with this, peach. I do. Sometimes, we just want relief from the noise, no matter the cost.

I think you know the denial won't change much, but it will turn off the noise machine for a while. It doesn't change a thing, any more than an alcoholic taking a drink will make his problems and fears go away. It does postpone it for a few hours, though. I know that in my situation, postponing things felt better while I was numbed out, but the cost was too high when I "came to".

I sure do get it, though. And everybody has their own explorations to do.

Have you ever tried meditation? It always seemed like such an impossibility to me, what with my hamster-wheel worrying/complexing brain. It took a lot of practice just to be able to sit for five minutes. Oh, who am I kidding - it was hell at first. But getting involved with Shambhala, and learning a skill that taught me to wipe the thoughts from my mind like a squeegee....THAT created a permanent improvement in me, preferable to the temporary quiet.

I can literally wipe my brain clean of all that clutter now, 95% of the time. Instant peace. I'm grateful to whoever it was that tipped me off to that.

Anyway. Sounds like you're journaling rather than asking for feedback - so please ignore the feedback if it's not what you're after (but don't be surprised at it or offended by it.....we are all 'helpers' here after all)

suki44883

I don't really think the cancer analogy fits. He couldn't do anything about the fact he had cancer, but you CAN do something about your situation. I think him calling it "healthy denial" is a misnomer. He didn't deny the fact that he had cancer, but he continued to do the things in life that he enjoyed in spite of it. The fact that he didn't wallow in the unfairness of it all is a tribute to him, but he still had cancer. What he did was detach. He didn't allow cancer to stop him from living his life.

By going overboard with "seeking answers," you were still allowing your boyfriend's problems to take up way too much space in your head. What you need is detachment. There is a huge difference between detachment and denial.

Chiaroscuro

I certainly know where you're coming from with the obsessing and reading and trying to find out as much as you can. There's just soooo much out there and sifting through it can become the work of a lifetime. It's worse than doing a thesis. And I find myself spending so much time looking at stuff and thinking, "Does this apply to me? Is this something I should be doing?", that I end up second-guessing my motives for everything I do.

I already know that I have a tendency to grab something and worry it like a dog with a bone until I've exhausted every possible resource... and myself, in the process. Having an analytical mind can be a curse sometimes, even though it's a good thing for a scientist to have.

I do understand your need for a break from the craziness of your own thoughts and desire to get as much information as you can. I go through that, too. For me, though, I'm currently trying to center everything on "letting go and letting God". I need to let my HP start directing my search for answers. As long as I'm the one frantically going through the plethora of information, I start to worry and obsess and run scenarios through my head. If I can give it up to my HP and believe that the pieces will come to me at the rate I can properly process them, I'll be in much better shape mentally and emotionally.

I think I can understand your concept of "healthy denial" and I can also understand why others might not. Denial has taken on a negative connotation with regards to recovery, for the addicts, the codependants and anyone else who has been in therapy. Detachment from our own craziness is probably a more accurate way to phrase it. Letting go of the need to understand, even for just a day, is a reprieve.

I wish you good luck in finding some peace from your own mind, as I struggle to find peace from mine. The balance between facing reality and torturing ourselves in our recovery is a hard one to find, at least for me. I do think that having a positive attitude, like the guy with cancer, isn't necessarily denial (since he obviously continued his treatment) but a quiet acceptance of something that needed to be dealt with while not taking on the negative aspects of being told he only had a short time to live. I refuse to believe that I'm going to be miserable my whole life, yet I accept that I've got some work to do on myself. I just need to stop being my own "doctor". *shrug*

Kittyboo

For months and months I had done nothing but read, come here, search and search for answers to why what where how why me why him why why why......

I know it was my own need to try and comfort myself and make myself understand that it wasn't about me. I have a tendency to internalize things and think if my XA doesn't want me, then there is clearly something wrong with ME. Not true at all, but sometimes very difficult to accept.

And for a time all of the searching and learning did provide some comfort. I am so grateful to find this site....it has really been eye opening about myself and him. BUT, and this of course is just for me, all of that searching and constant research also kept me in a state of denial. Denial that it was REALLY over. I still didn't want it to be over. I wanted to see things that showed me he would come back to me, he would be filled with regret.
There are no answers there.
But the more reading I did, the less I searched for answers that would bring him back and understand him. The more I started searching for ME and how to cope with loss, and used much of it as reminders of why I DON'T want this person in my life.
All of the searching got exhausting. And it kept me tied to the situation. Completely tied to it.

I have since stopped searching as much. Stopped trying to understand. I refuse to live in a state of denial. For me, being in denial just means that I am supressing the pain, and I will HAVE to deal with it eventually. I can't even tell you how glad I am that I don't feel the kind of pain that I felt months ago.
When I stopped searching for answers, it wasn't only because I was exhausted, but because I was done searching. There was no desire to stop because I wanted to go into denial, I stopped because it finally started to sink in.
I have removed myself from 99% of the connections that have to do with my XA, and I have done it for me. And slowly it feels better and more disconnected from him.

I find I am slowly starting to open up to new things, new people. I have VERY RECENTLY just started speaking with a new man. Someone who sparks my interest, someone who seems fascinating and together.
I would not have been open to even starting conversation with him had I still been where I was months ago. Now I don't know if it will go anywhere....but WOW!!! It's AMAZING to now be in a place where I know that I can actually have a possible interest is someone else. My XA was not the end all of my attraction to someone or what I thought was love.

For me, there was no sanity in denial. It's a facade. Sanity is the calmness one has when getting past the insanity. IMO.

I truly hope that you find peace of mind in your path. HUGS

Summerpeach

Are you kidding me! It's ABSOLUTELY not the same at all!

wicked

Summerpeach,

can you explain the difference between detachment and healthy denial?

Beth

Summerpeach

Give: Yes, I do yoga and meditate. It calms the noise in my mind, but I need a longer stint of peace.

True, it's more of a journal entry ....Thanks for your wonderful words. They always sooth me.

Summerpeach

maybe I'm in the middle of detachment and denial. But good point. Thanks for the insight :-)

Summerpeach

Chiaroscuro thank you for that lovely post :-) It really was helpful and offered me some great insight