Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 6 - Don't Be Blown About By Every Wind
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Wicked, about your daughter - I've got my eye on you. Because even though my son is just 7. He's got all sorts of addictions on both sides going back to who knows when. So, since my husbands gone and I'm now sober - I have like 6 years (since 13 "appears" to be the magic number) of being alcohol/drug issue FREE. Then my kid will start in.
And oh yeah, addiction goes way back on both sides.
If possible get him involved in some manly things if his dad is not gonna be there. My ex was poison to my daughter, filled her head with "you're like me, you want to have fun, you are not like your mother at all."
meanwhile, i was the only one supporting us and his child support was erratic if at all.
she has felt abandoned and is so angry at her dad it is unfathomable.
it is sad.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I don't just have one situation - I have lots!!
I used to react all the time. I spoke without thinking. It was easy for anyone to push my buttons. I learned to detach at home and, somehow, I started to detach from situations everywhere else in my life. XAH lost his sparring partner. I stopped outwardly reacting to him and he couldn't cope. Work used to drive me crazy. But I've learned to accept the people there for who they are - they don't suprise me any more and my sense of injustice is tempered by the fact that they are acting this way because of who they are. I'm much more calmer than I've ever been - even with the threat of redundancy.
Lately though, I've been isolating. Avoiding people. When I am with people my mind races at times. Did I speak out of turn? Did I inadvertently upset someone? Have I done something wrong? Why did they say that? Am I annoying them? Should I just go? I'm nervous around people - I'm very uncomfortable in groups of more than 3 people. Even people I know and trust have me nervous. I fear over reacting so much I tend not to react at all - I freeze like a deer in the headlights. And then I over analyse later.
For me, writing this down here just now, I've realised this is the start of a pattern for me. I used to feel like this times 10 a couple of years ago before my first counselling session. I was lost. I had no idea how to relate to other people. I thought there were 'rules' to social interactions that I just didn't get. I had no idea how to be a friend to someone. Working with my counsellor helped me relax and let go of my anxiety. Now I need to work out why I'm feeling like this again. No wait, I know. Low self worth. I have no drama to offer anyone. No 'interest'. It's just me. And that's scary...
Some quotes from this chapter that I really need to remember are:
We don't have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us.
We don't have to take other people's behaviours as reflections of our self worth.
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real and you are still OK....don't reject yourself...
If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you.
I'm almost suprised at how much this book still 'speaks' to me today even though XAH is out of my life. Recovery really is a journey and not a destination.
I used to react all the time. I spoke without thinking. It was easy for anyone to push my buttons. I learned to detach at home and, somehow, I started to detach from situations everywhere else in my life. XAH lost his sparring partner. I stopped outwardly reacting to him and he couldn't cope. Work used to drive me crazy. But I've learned to accept the people there for who they are - they don't suprise me any more and my sense of injustice is tempered by the fact that they are acting this way because of who they are. I'm much more calmer than I've ever been - even with the threat of redundancy.
Lately though, I've been isolating. Avoiding people. When I am with people my mind races at times. Did I speak out of turn? Did I inadvertently upset someone? Have I done something wrong? Why did they say that? Am I annoying them? Should I just go? I'm nervous around people - I'm very uncomfortable in groups of more than 3 people. Even people I know and trust have me nervous. I fear over reacting so much I tend not to react at all - I freeze like a deer in the headlights. And then I over analyse later.
For me, writing this down here just now, I've realised this is the start of a pattern for me. I used to feel like this times 10 a couple of years ago before my first counselling session. I was lost. I had no idea how to relate to other people. I thought there were 'rules' to social interactions that I just didn't get. I had no idea how to be a friend to someone. Working with my counsellor helped me relax and let go of my anxiety. Now I need to work out why I'm feeling like this again. No wait, I know. Low self worth. I have no drama to offer anyone. No 'interest'. It's just me. And that's scary...
Some quotes from this chapter that I really need to remember are:
We don't have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us.
We don't have to take other people's behaviours as reflections of our self worth.
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real and you are still OK....don't reject yourself...
If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has something to do with you.
I'm almost suprised at how much this book still 'speaks' to me today even though XAH is out of my life. Recovery really is a journey and not a destination.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"I'm almost suprised at how much this book still 'speaks' to me today even though XAH is out of my life. Recovery really is a journey and not a destination."
I feel the same way, except I go backwards. I wish someone would have given it to me when... I don't know....I was 12. ;-)
I feel the same way, except I go backwards. I wish someone would have given it to me when... I don't know....I was 12. ;-)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When I am not getting along with others I believe I overreact. If someone treats me in a way I do not like to be treated, like yelling at me, I overreact by tryingvto figure out WHY. I spend way too much time upset, complaining, feeling bad about myself, talking about, etc what happened. I wish I could just let these things go. If it happens too often with the same person, it is better for me to eliminate that relationshipe however necessary. Whether or not the other person's behavior is abusive is not the only criteria for deciding this anymore. The older I get the more I realize that it is OK to change my life to eliminate a relationship just because I do not LIKE the person- Whatever my reason. And I don't even need anyone else to agree with my point of view or validate my feelings about it anymore. I think this stems from having taught myself to recognize my own wants and desires.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Yes, yes, yes, L2L! I totally get this...at least, I'm starting to. Oh, that yelling thing happened to me in both my last relationship (one time I was screamed at 2 inches from my face) and then in this relationship it happened kinda the same way once, and many other times on a smaller scale. So yeah, that yelling thing is big. Before, I'd take it. NOW, I wouldn't. At least I'd like to think I wouldn't...I definitely feel like my boundaries are better and am starting to understand that we really do "train" people about how to treat us. I'm so sick of being a doormat.
I still judge myself for "giving up" on people when I opt to not spend time with them, but I recognize that there's component of thinking I have control over their actions when I judge myself for that. Things are definitely shifting. I'm finding I'm liking myself more, more comfy in my own skin, etc. And that's after just 2 1/2 weeks of taking a "break" from my A!
Of course I have to be working on it every day--surrender, surrender, surrender (and was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum earlier this week, b/c I didn't wannnnnnnnna surrender!). It's been challenging to say the least, but I'm feeling more empowered b/c I also recognize that I'm here on the earth for a reason, and that reason is tied to my HP's plan for me, and that reason DOES NOT INCLUDE being walked all over by someone else. Everyone has their own HP, and their own plan, and their own reasons. I only have to keep track of mine. At least, I'm trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind...and when I do, I'm not overreacting. Instead, I'm observing the action/event, observing my thoughts and emotions, comparing that to what I want and need for myself, talking to my sponsor/therapist/Alanon gatherings/this forum, and THEN, (and only then), taking action. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but so far, so good. It's getting a little bit easier.
This is a great discussion. I'm reading along...and thanks, Alzerin, for keeping it all going.
I think I'm getting better--yippee! Y'all are the best.
Happy Equinox,
posie
I still judge myself for "giving up" on people when I opt to not spend time with them, but I recognize that there's component of thinking I have control over their actions when I judge myself for that. Things are definitely shifting. I'm finding I'm liking myself more, more comfy in my own skin, etc. And that's after just 2 1/2 weeks of taking a "break" from my A!
Of course I have to be working on it every day--surrender, surrender, surrender (and was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum earlier this week, b/c I didn't wannnnnnnnna surrender!). It's been challenging to say the least, but I'm feeling more empowered b/c I also recognize that I'm here on the earth for a reason, and that reason is tied to my HP's plan for me, and that reason DOES NOT INCLUDE being walked all over by someone else. Everyone has their own HP, and their own plan, and their own reasons. I only have to keep track of mine. At least, I'm trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind...and when I do, I'm not overreacting. Instead, I'm observing the action/event, observing my thoughts and emotions, comparing that to what I want and need for myself, talking to my sponsor/therapist/Alanon gatherings/this forum, and THEN, (and only then), taking action. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but so far, so good. It's getting a little bit easier.
This is a great discussion. I'm reading along...and thanks, Alzerin, for keeping it all going.
I think I'm getting better--yippee! Y'all are the best.
Happy Equinox,
posie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
OMGosh Posie! Thank you for reminding me today is the Vernal Equinox! No WONDER I have been feeling so weird lately!
Another thing your post reminds me is how I am different now in that I used to get loud and mean and up in people's faces in reaction to them dissing me. I have behaved badly on many, many occasions, sober even!!! But anymore, lately, probably because I am much more emotionally mature now, I realize that yelling back and acting like a crazy woman changes NOTHING about the other person. I can't make them respect me, or treat me "better," but I can keep my own respect for myself by maintaining my composure.
Another thing your post reminds me is how I am different now in that I used to get loud and mean and up in people's faces in reaction to them dissing me. I have behaved badly on many, many occasions, sober even!!! But anymore, lately, probably because I am much more emotionally mature now, I realize that yelling back and acting like a crazy woman changes NOTHING about the other person. I can't make them respect me, or treat me "better," but I can keep my own respect for myself by maintaining my composure.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by posiesperson 
I still judge myself for "giving up" on people when I opt to not spend time with them
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