mamaplus2kids

Back in December, I was so miserable that I told my boyfriend that I needed to take some time off. He said he was happy with the relationship with the way it was. I told him I disagreed and I thought he was down and irritable. I felt I wasn't getting enough emotionally and time-wise from the relationship. So, our time off ended up going two months, but it wasn't really a true time off, because we talked on the phone every day and we met up two or three times.

During this time, my home life became more stable, but I became emotionally unstable. All of my abandonment fears came out and I couldn't sleep. I had to watch soap reruns until 1 or 2 a.m. I felt him detaching further. A new client gave him lots of work, which meant that he started working late in the night. He had no time for our relationship. Even my kids felt abandoned.

Now, I feel sad when I think that the love we once had is gone. He used to talk about starting a family. Now, he seems only preoccupied with work and being alone. His birthday is coming up and he refuses to make plans that might included me.

It's so painful. I am so mad, I feel like finding someone else. How does one detach? I actually went out last night. A much-older man whom I just met through friends invited me for dinner. I had no idea that it would only be me. I thought it would be a dinner party. As it turned out, the evening was pleasant, but I was upset that my boyfriend didn't even call me to say goodnight. I realized that the door was wide open, metaphorically speaking, and it doesn't feel good.

nodaybut2day

oh boy mama...it sounds like this boyfriend of yours just isn't the right person for you at all. The signals are all there, clear as day, now it's just a question of letting go.

I don't suggest "finding someone else" right away, because the unhealthy pattern might repeat itself. It sounds like you need some time to rediscover your relationship with yourself. Going out with friends, or alone, discovering new activities to do with the kids, taking up a new hobby, meditating,...all these can help you refocus on YOU. Then it won't be so difficult to let go of Uninterested Boyfriend.

*hugs* mama.

alanonicnov2008

Do you go to meetings? I had to face detachment when my relationship ended and instead of reaching out to my qualifier or trying to "fix it" I just went to SLAA meetings and Al Anon meetings.

As my shrink puts it, each time you reach for something other than the significant other (or as my sponsor calls it, "your drink!") you build neurological pathways of reward and connection around other things. Makes it easier to think clearly when you feel like you can live without someone.

Summerpeach

All I can say is, he didn't do anything wrong but respect your need for a break.
He detached and is trying to live his life.

These breaks are a good idea when they are not long breaks. Out of site, out mind and it could be he was not willing to wait for you to make all the decisions and took some control back

Just a thought.....

Have you ever asked him if he wanted to continue with the relationship?

Dating to fill the void only makes the void MUCH larger

mamaplus2kids

Okay... so I booked some flights to NYC for the kids' spring break at the end of April. I am so excited to get out of town and have a break from my life here. I am starting to feel a little bit better. Getting out of town has always helped me end a relationship.

I am just sad. Tomorrow is his birthday, and I am going to ignore him totally. If he calls me, I am not giving him any information about any plans I have going on. It's much easier when he doesn't call. Why does it have to be so hard?

nodaybut2day

Maybe because it was easy, we wouldn't be learning or retaining anything important. I don't know about you, but I'm STUBBORN and it takes HP to knock me flat on my butt for me to say "oooooh, ok, I get it now!".

No worries though:
a) Discomfort never killed anyone
b) It gets a teeny weensy bit easier day by day by day by day....

You're doing so well! Whoohoo

alanonicnov2008

I neede to read this today too.

I am having so much trouble detaching today, I am OBSESSING.

I know (or someone please remind me?) that a breakup's stage will happen in waves. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm nostalgic. Sometimes I'm really, really relieved.

I just know that I'm crying a lot less and there is more room in my mind for me (if I let myself focus on myself). And this will continue to improve.

I just needed to say it out loud.