Filing for Divorce Friday.....or not.....
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Filing for Divorce Friday.....or not.....
Hello,
Wanted to run this by you guys to see what you thought...
My plan was to file for divorce on Friday. I got to thinking about it and I realized that the anniversary of my husbands dad passing away is next week.
After his dad passed is when he pretty much spiraled out of control...It was an accidental death, a complete shock and he has never dealt with the emotions from it...It seems like every year, like clockwork, he acts out or does something unforgiveable around this time....I was thinking maybe I should wait until the 1st week of April, so next week does not hold any additional unpleasant memories and the divorce process can run smoother...Without a ton of anger and emotion when he is served (which he knows is coming)
I definately want to file, and I want out of this nowhere marriage asap..but I am feeling a little heartless about my timing choice. If I want this to be amicable I think I should wait until the 1st week of April out of respect...or does it even matter?
Thoughts?
Wanted to run this by you guys to see what you thought...
My plan was to file for divorce on Friday. I got to thinking about it and I realized that the anniversary of my husbands dad passing away is next week.
After his dad passed is when he pretty much spiraled out of control...It was an accidental death, a complete shock and he has never dealt with the emotions from it...It seems like every year, like clockwork, he acts out or does something unforgiveable around this time....I was thinking maybe I should wait until the 1st week of April, so next week does not hold any additional unpleasant memories and the divorce process can run smoother...Without a ton of anger and emotion when he is served (which he knows is coming)
I definately want to file, and I want out of this nowhere marriage asap..but I am feeling a little heartless about my timing choice. If I want this to be amicable I think I should wait until the 1st week of April out of respect...or does it even matter?
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hmm, I understand your desire to "soften the blow" in the interest of keeping things amicable, but I do also think there's something to be said for focusing on your needs and your timeline. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this, and in the end it might not make a bit of difference since you don't control how your STBX reacts, whether it be this week or next week.
In my case, with my XAH, there was ALWAYS some excuse why things needed to be delayed, because life itself was always against him somehow, making him need to recover and rest from everything. It got to the point where I stopped trying to make things easier for him and went for what was easiest for me.
In my case, with my XAH, there was ALWAYS some excuse why things needed to be delayed, because life itself was always against him somehow, making him need to recover and rest from everything. It got to the point where I stopped trying to make things easier for him and went for what was easiest for me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
My ex received his petition for divorce from my lawyer the week of our 14th wedding anniversary. Why? Because I was ready to move on with my life and needed to get the paperwork processed.
How often did your AH consider your feelings?
If he is served just prior to the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
If he is served just after the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
If he is served within 30 days of the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
If he is served within 5 years of the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
Has he blamed you in the past for causing him to react, over induldge, lie, manipulate, fail? If he is like most A's, yes. This pattern of blame-shifting will continue no matter what you do or don't do.
This pattern of blame-shifting will likely continue as long as You continue accepting responsibility for His actions/reactions.
How often did your AH consider your feelings?
If he is served just prior to the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
If he is served just after the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
If he is served within 30 days of the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
If he is served within 5 years of the date, he may blame you for being heartless.
Has he blamed you in the past for causing him to react, over induldge, lie, manipulate, fail? If he is like most A's, yes. This pattern of blame-shifting will continue no matter what you do or don't do.
This pattern of blame-shifting will likely continue as long as You continue accepting responsibility for His actions/reactions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
If it would make you feel better, wait.
It doesn't sound like you are doing it out of over-caretaking. Sounds like you are just trying to be considerate.
That has nothing to do with him and his blaming or what-have-you. It's just your feeling of what is appropriate that matters here. Trust your gut.
It doesn't sound like you are doing it out of over-caretaking. Sounds like you are just trying to be considerate.
That has nothing to do with him and his blaming or what-have-you. It's just your feeling of what is appropriate that matters here. Trust your gut.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
FrogLegs,
I was answering your post based on the information you provided two days ago:
A little background. DH is a recovering crack addict 5 years clean, recovering alcoholic 4 years clean...I have been all over as far as Nar Anon, Al Anon, CoDa, ADA, you name the support group I have attended. I have read book after book, I have practiced yoga, tried 8 diffferent counselors in 5 years, I have pretty much tried everything I could to change but the bottom line is that I am just not able to forgive, trust and participate in a loving relationship. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter about 3 years ago, recently I discovered he was having another affair. Although I was heartbroken, I was not shocked or suprised as I have lived my life with him very cautiously, never really able to let my guard down or be myself.
Now we are parents of 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I do not think it's healthy for our children to see the lack of trust, emptiness and obvious disregard we have for each other. I came from the exact same type of family, and I know I need to stop the cycle.
The trouble is, I have filed for divorce 2 times before and have been unable to follow through. My DH manipulative ways, sweet sentiments, promises things will be different always keep me coming back for more in the hopes that we will have the family I have always wanted. Clearly this is not going to happen.
I am the sole provider, I pay all of the bills, mortgage, our car payments, utilities, spending money etc. My DH does not contribute anything to our family, because he is unemployed. I hold the health insurance, own the home, the cars everything so for me this is a clean break and I can go on not skipping a beat...
I was answering your post based on the information you provided two days ago:
A little background. DH is a recovering crack addict 5 years clean, recovering alcoholic 4 years clean...I have been all over as far as Nar Anon, Al Anon, CoDa, ADA, you name the support group I have attended. I have read book after book, I have practiced yoga, tried 8 diffferent counselors in 5 years, I have pretty much tried everything I could to change but the bottom line is that I am just not able to forgive, trust and participate in a loving relationship. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter about 3 years ago, recently I discovered he was having another affair. Although I was heartbroken, I was not shocked or suprised as I have lived my life with him very cautiously, never really able to let my guard down or be myself.
Now we are parents of 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I do not think it's healthy for our children to see the lack of trust, emptiness and obvious disregard we have for each other. I came from the exact same type of family, and I know I need to stop the cycle.
The trouble is, I have filed for divorce 2 times before and have been unable to follow through. My DH manipulative ways, sweet sentiments, promises things will be different always keep me coming back for more in the hopes that we will have the family I have always wanted. Clearly this is not going to happen.
I am the sole provider, I pay all of the bills, mortgage, our car payments, utilities, spending money etc. My DH does not contribute anything to our family, because he is unemployed. I hold the health insurance, own the home, the cars everything so for me this is a clean break and I can go on not skipping a beat...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
There is always a reason to wait. The reasons are endless. I waited for this, for that, for the other thing because it seemed reasonable or kind. Life happens and keeps marching forward. In the end - I think things are actually easier by just doing it when you are ready. If I had it to do over again I would not have 'waited' for those things. Nothing is going to happen between now and the beginning of April that will make it better. Things only go down hill it seems.
There is never a good time to do something difficult, you just do it when it is time.
It sounds like it is time.
And there is about a 100% chance that no matter when you do it, he is going to find ways to make you feel guilty or manipulate you half to death. Someone here (wish I could remember because I used that visual more then once to help me through) told me 'You are about to go to war - put on your armor. Be strong' or something to that affect. So true.
There is never a good time to do something difficult, you just do it when it is time.
It sounds like it is time.
And there is about a 100% chance that no matter when you do it, he is going to find ways to make you feel guilty or manipulate you half to death. Someone here (wish I could remember because I used that visual more then once to help me through) told me 'You are about to go to war - put on your armor. Be strong' or something to that affect. So true.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There are millions of people in this world who deal with unexpected tragedy without alcohol and/or drugs.
I've had more tragedy and crises since I got clean/sober than before.
The acid test for me is just what is my peace of mind and spirituality worth?
My EXAH was unfaithful several times. Each day that I stayed with him, another little piece of me died.
My tolerance for such behavior these days is zero, zilch, nada.
He certainly didn't give a hoot about your feelings while he was bedding down with someone else.
He certainly hasn't given a hoot about you or those children's feelings enough to be a responsible husband/father, has he?
My boundaries, morals, and ethics are in place, and I really don't give a rat's butt if those hurt someone's feelings.
End of story.
I've had more tragedy and crises since I got clean/sober than before.
The acid test for me is just what is my peace of mind and spirituality worth?
My EXAH was unfaithful several times. Each day that I stayed with him, another little piece of me died.
My tolerance for such behavior these days is zero, zilch, nada.
He certainly didn't give a hoot about your feelings while he was bedding down with someone else.
He certainly hasn't given a hoot about you or those children's feelings enough to be a responsible husband/father, has he?
My boundaries, morals, and ethics are in place, and I really don't give a rat's butt if those hurt someone's feelings.
End of story.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
If you would feel better waiting a couple of weeks then wait a couple of weeks. Bear in mind, as everyone has said above, that a couple of weeks probably won't make any difference to how he feels about it.
my experience....
over a year ago, I told my stbx that I couldn't live with him anymore, that our marriage was over, that the only hope for any possible chance for us to even look at whether we could work things out was if he stopped drinking permanently, we both went to counselling and then assessed whether each of us thought there was something remaining between us that was worth trying to work on. If he agreed to that, I would give him 6 months to get his act together, before starting divorce proceedings, but we would not be living together during that time. He was shocked! this was out of the blue! I was a heartless B****. Couldn't I have waited until after valentine's day? But he agreed that he would stop drinking, I held off starting divorce proceedings.
9 months later, in November as he still hadn't given up drinking (although was still promising that he would "on his own schedule, not mine" and I was firm on my original message during the interim) I gave him notice that after christmas I would start divorce proceedings.
He was shocked! This was out of the blue! I was a heartless b****, to tell him this 3 weeks after his surgery, 4 weeks before christmas, couldn't I have waited until after christmas??
after christmas, in January is his birthday, that week I start to ask if we can BEGIN to talk about arrangements for the children and finances. He was shocked! this was out of the blue! I was a heartless b****, to mention divorce and the future and arrangements on the week (and on the day) of his birthday. He told me that he couldn't afford a lawyer until April.
In late february after he had threatened me regarding our son, telling me to get a court order, I saw my lawyer, drafted the divorce petition and it was sent to him in draft form with 2 weeks notice of serving, giving him time to comment at this stage. He was shocked! this was out of the blue! I was a heartless B**** for letting him see the DRAFT petition before he could see a lawyer in April.
I will file next week, he doesn't have to get legal representation at this stage of the game as the petition bit is simply me stating that I am asking the courts for a divorce, over a year after I originally informed him of this.
He will be shocked!
This will be out of the blue!
I will be a heartless B*****, to not have waited until
- after our son's birthday,
- when he gets his tax rebate,
- after easter,
- when his parents return from holiday,
- when his nephew is born,
- our daughter's birthday
I will be ruining his st patrick's day, summer, hallowe'en, whatever.....
BUT having said that, if your conscience will sit easier by delaying 2 weeks, then in the grand scheme of things it won't make any difference and you can allow yourself that.
my experience....
over a year ago, I told my stbx that I couldn't live with him anymore, that our marriage was over, that the only hope for any possible chance for us to even look at whether we could work things out was if he stopped drinking permanently, we both went to counselling and then assessed whether each of us thought there was something remaining between us that was worth trying to work on. If he agreed to that, I would give him 6 months to get his act together, before starting divorce proceedings, but we would not be living together during that time. He was shocked! this was out of the blue! I was a heartless B****. Couldn't I have waited until after valentine's day? But he agreed that he would stop drinking, I held off starting divorce proceedings.
9 months later, in November as he still hadn't given up drinking (although was still promising that he would "on his own schedule, not mine" and I was firm on my original message during the interim) I gave him notice that after christmas I would start divorce proceedings.
He was shocked! This was out of the blue! I was a heartless b****, to tell him this 3 weeks after his surgery, 4 weeks before christmas, couldn't I have waited until after christmas??
after christmas, in January is his birthday, that week I start to ask if we can BEGIN to talk about arrangements for the children and finances. He was shocked! this was out of the blue! I was a heartless b****, to mention divorce and the future and arrangements on the week (and on the day) of his birthday. He told me that he couldn't afford a lawyer until April.
In late february after he had threatened me regarding our son, telling me to get a court order, I saw my lawyer, drafted the divorce petition and it was sent to him in draft form with 2 weeks notice of serving, giving him time to comment at this stage. He was shocked! this was out of the blue! I was a heartless B**** for letting him see the DRAFT petition before he could see a lawyer in April.
I will file next week, he doesn't have to get legal representation at this stage of the game as the petition bit is simply me stating that I am asking the courts for a divorce, over a year after I originally informed him of this.
He will be shocked!
This will be out of the blue!
I will be a heartless B*****, to not have waited until
- after our son's birthday,
- when he gets his tax rebate,
- after easter,
- when his parents return from holiday,
- when his nephew is born,
- our daughter's birthday
I will be ruining his st patrick's day, summer, hallowe'en, whatever.....
BUT having said that, if your conscience will sit easier by delaying 2 weeks, then in the grand scheme of things it won't make any difference and you can allow yourself that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
JenT1968,
I am shocked!
This is out of the blue!
here it is St. Patricks day and you are talking about divorce!
I am Irish (3 generations removed) divorced (twice).
laughing out loud here, heard the same whining from my ex.
hehehehe
I am shocked!
This is out of the blue!
here it is St. Patricks day and you are talking about divorce!
I am Irish (3 generations removed) divorced (twice).
laughing out loud here, heard the same whining from my ex.
hehehehe
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
For some reason I dont see the "thank you" button, but thank you to everyone who posted a reply.
What you said makes sense, and yes...he probably doesn't even know what day it is....Maybe I am trying to save face by not hearing from his family "She served him on the anniversary of his fathers death)...which by the way was 11 years ago...did I mention that?
Anyway, it's nice to be slapped with reality sometimes...it seems right to the very end I am going to put his feelings before mine. I know there will never be a "good time" but here I am...trying to accomodate him, serve him when the time is right for him...take care of his feelings, when you are right he had blatant disregard for mine. Gosh, I know better than this...what is my problem?
Bummer for me.
When am I going to learn?
What you said makes sense, and yes...he probably doesn't even know what day it is....Maybe I am trying to save face by not hearing from his family "She served him on the anniversary of his fathers death)...which by the way was 11 years ago...did I mention that?
Anyway, it's nice to be slapped with reality sometimes...it seems right to the very end I am going to put his feelings before mine. I know there will never be a "good time" but here I am...trying to accomodate him, serve him when the time is right for him...take care of his feelings, when you are right he had blatant disregard for mine. Gosh, I know better than this...what is my problem?
Bummer for me.
When am I going to learn?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I waited over a year because he was involved in a legal matter and I would was worried it would make him look bad if I filed for divorce.
But when he was done with me..he didnt care what I was going through he just did what HE wanted to. So my biggest lesson is to always do what is right for me. I would have been out of this for the last year and instead I suffered more than I can ever imagine. This is just my personal story..Always do what is best for you because you can bet they will do what is best for them without thinking of your feelings. Only my opinion of course.
But when he was done with me..he didnt care what I was going through he just did what HE wanted to. So my biggest lesson is to always do what is right for me. I would have been out of this for the last year and instead I suffered more than I can ever imagine. This is just my personal story..Always do what is best for you because you can bet they will do what is best for them without thinking of your feelings. Only my opinion of course.
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