rock-hardplace

So pretty much as soon as I found out my recently relapsed but pulling together AH moved 3 hours away and had 'met someone though nothing is happening', I was done. Wanted to get a separation agreement going pronto and just get this all over with and move on.

I went over all our finances, assets, liabilities and split them as I saw fair (okay, slightly skewed in my favour but in reality most of the debt was his - rehab, motorcycle, etc). I'm not an accountant and may have been out to lunch a wee bit but am willing to negotiate to save on lawyer fees. He'll look over it tomorrow and let me know his take on it, though he said he thought we'd just split everything 50/50 and then he would give me 'some extra', that he promises to make sure me and our daughter are taken care of, etc. That he loves me, that he wants to be part of our lives, and so on and so forth (playing the sympathy card, methinks). He was upset that I took that away from him by coming up with a plan that did things in my favour already. ARGH. Whatever. I'll see what he comes up with.

In the meantime, I admitted I didn't trust him, that I no longer know who he is or what he's doing (nor do I care). He said he's been honest. I asked point blank if he was still living with the male friend he was living with a few weeks ago. Last night he said 'yes'. Today he said 'half the time'. I said he was lying (I had a strong hunch and no longer ignore my intuition). He said he did it to protect me, that he's only to tell the truth when no harm comes to others, and that I had told him I didn't want to hear about other women. I said when I ask point blank, you can tell me. Duh.

Then we got onto a discussion about custody - I want sole custody but offered joint guardianship, and explained to him what that meant. He seemed okay with that. Then we got to visitation, where I had stated that I want supervised visitation and no overnights until ____ sobriety date (hadn't quite decided on a date yet). Well, yeah, he didn't like that ONE BIT but said we could discuss it after the finances. Said he was thinking he could take her every weekend. Um, I don't think so. I know it's every other weekend and that's under normal circumstances. But we left it for now. Finances first.

After we hung up, I had a complete meltdown at the thought of my 6 year old angel going away for a weekend to spend time with a recovering alcoholic who just had a MAJOR relapse less than two months ago who is living with his new girlfriend who also had a relapse less than two months ago (they met in the rehab facility - awwww - and had been there together during one of his other stints there). And he's 3 hours away - that's a long trip for her to make on a regular basis! He's working on trying to get long-term disability because he feels he is too sick to work, and they're asking for more and more backup information and still haven't committed to it yet. Too sick to work and barely taking care of yourself but you want your daughter regularly?

He's only called her once in the last two weeks, even though he says he wants to set up a time to call her every day (lots of lip service, no action).

I'm just wondering if he has a leg to stand on. He abandoned us (we were getting along - not perfect, but I was always supportive of him up until this last relapse where I sent him on his way to get healthy again) by moving 3 hours away (including a 1.5 hour ferry ride). He's not bringing in any money yet. He's only got less than 2 months sobriety again. He's living with a recovering addict.

Will be praying heavily until this is resolved!

nodaybut2day

Hi there...In case this is your first post...WELCOME TO SR!!! I love this place and all its wonderfully supportive members.

Now, regarding your post, I know you said you want to save on lawyers' fees, but if I were you, I'd consider at least going for a consult with one, because asking for supervised visitation isn't easily enforced in an amicable separation. I know, because I tried to ask for it and it didn't fly. I ended up having to be the one supervising the visitation and it exacerbated the conflict between XAH and I.

You, however, have something very precious on your side: your X is a recovering alkie who's had a relapse. I imagine there's records of his stays in rehab and subsequent relapses (perhaps hospitalization records? DUIs? Arrests?). You need all this documentation if you're going to get an order of supervised visitation. Add to that the location of his residence (*he* chose to move away from the family residence...his problem), the age of your child AND the unknown alkie girlfriend he's living with...you might be able to get supervised visitation, or at the very least reduce visitation to Every Other Week-end (EOW). Perhaps you can work something out where he comes to you every week-end and spends the day with your DD there.

Anyhow, all this to say, get a lawyer. The laws vary greatly from state to state or province to province, and having up to date legal advice regarding the custody of your child, ESPECIALLY where a relapsed alkie parent is concerned is of paramount important.

I applaud you for taking the well-being of your child so seriously.

And keep posting! That's what we're here for

froglegs

Hi There....

I juust wanted to say I completely know how you feel....I am in the beginning stages of filing for divorce (for the 2nd time). Last time I filed I had the same conversation with my ex and I had the same feelings you are feeling.
This is what happened.....

I gave in and said okay, fine you can watch our son overnight unsupervised (against my judgement, but I didn't want to make HIM mad)....I worried all night long. I called him in the morning and his mom answered the phone...He called her over to watch our son while he ran to "Meijer"...good thing she was there because he never came back....He went out all night partying, he wasn't even home at 11:30 when I went to get my son....That was enough for me.

This is your child, you should try and put all feelings aside and do what YOU feel is right. Don't worry about making anyone mad, this is YOUR baby. If supervised visits are what you want then go with your gut and go after that.
Most of the time the judge knows what is going on and they will not do anything to put a child in danger.

Stick to your guns on this one.
It's all gonna work out.

Pelican

I recommend getting a legal consultation too. Let a lawyer tell you what your property rights are, what your parental rights are, what your financial rights are in divorcing an alcoholic in your state or province.

You are correct in watching his actions vs. listening to his words. There will be lots of quacking on his part. Be prepared to stand up for yourself and your daughter.

Duped

Pelican is right. The quacking will reach cacophonous proportions in this situation. Focus on the actions, not the words. I have to deal with the quacking like mad because my ex floats it out there to confuse the situation as much as possible. A mediator is a good alternative because they won't put up with the quacking. Unfortunately, that's the only way I can communicate with my ex drunk.

A mediator is good at establishing boundaries and rules.

The quacking is unbearable though, I know, it is by design to gain the upper hand at all times and to ensure that you are unable to deal with them from a fair position.

Mine quacks and quacks but it's to deflect the attention off her prior rehab stint, her fake recovery, her drinking, her lack of a job, her insistence on keeping past drug and alcohol using acquaintances in her life....

rock-hardplace

If he was in active addiction, it would be easier to state my case, I think. But he was clean for 19 months before his relapse (after 10 straight years of major addiction issues that really started when he was a teenager but got progressively worse as he got older) and he's been sober since (after that relapse weekend, of course, where he turned to drugs the entire time and blew $3K from our bank account) and he's going to meetings and therapy. And he's very manipulative - people believe everything he says. I've learned not to, to look at reality and actions. He's been told he's an advanced alcoholic based on the fact he had a seizure during the first withdrawal in rehab and a mild heart attack the second time. This time, it was the drugs all relapse weekend so his DTs weren't as bad.

Problem is, he was going to meetings and therapy and everything the whole 19 months he was sober and it didn't help - he was sober but he was depressed and slept all the time and never did much around the house. Still, I stuck by him because he was at least not drinking. My choice to stay through all the thick and thin of it, no regrets.

But I can tell from his actions and behaviour that he is not entirely working the program and we all know what can happen if they don't. His words - that he loves me, that he wants to talk to our daughter daily, that he wants to see her regularly, that he's royally messed up and everyone around him is relapsing and he's just trying to keep it together. His actions - he left us, moved 3 hours away and plans on staying there, moved in with his girlfriend of what, 3 weeks? Has no income yet has all these plans. He's spent 50+ days in rehab - twice - once in 2007, the second in 2008.

He told me he married me for the wrong reasons, had abandonment issues (or something like that?), and this is all his stuff he's working out and has nothing to do with me. He loves me? Really? It's so sick and twisted it's not even funny (although I do manage to find my humour about it at times). Of course, this was before I busted him on the girlfriend arrangement, so we'll see if that changes anything. We've been married 16 years. Up until his relapse, we had planned a trip to Disneyland (which I ended up going without him). He always said he wished I was an addict so I understood him. Well now he has a girlfriend that does. They're both raw and sick and ugh, I do not want my daughter over there until I see he's doing well. I'm not doing it out of spite - I want her to have a healthy relationship with him. She loves him and misses him. But the key word is HEALTHY.

I've got a message into a family lawyer asking if I can meet with him today (long shot, but I'd rather do it as soon as possible) to discuss where I stand legally - should have probably started with this to begin with, but it's only been 2 nights since I sent my AH my suggestions. I have to remember to take it easy and that things happen in God's time and I have to be patient and wise.

Thanks for your input. If you have any experience with separation/custody, I'm all ears. I was surprised to read that the courts sometimes grant joint custody to an active alcoholic. So scary as they may be even more lenient on a recovering one.