ForeverLearning

Is there any way to mitigate the damage done to our children by alcoholic spouses? We've been dealing with bouts of irrationality and craziness from my husband who is not drinking but acting out. Usually I can keep his focus on me and my behavior but tonight he was going somewhere with our children and he erupted on my oldest son. Not physically, mind you, and he doesn't call them names or anything but it was extremely unfair and he completely overreacted. He has done it in the past and I've always been there to call him on it but this time I wasn't there. My son (age 14) and I talked a bit about how my husband is going through a rough time but that it wasn't okay. I apologized to my son for it because I know my husband never will. Obviously, I will be more careful in the future to keep my husband from being alone with the kids. I'm thinking counseling might also be in order? I've thought about suggesting Alateen to my son but also know that he would have to do it behind my husband's back and I'm not sure I want to go there yet.

Any good books for me to read on how to help them? I know my 5 year old daughter already has the walking on eggshells aspect down pat, which makes my heart incredibly sad. I've started going to Al-anon and am hoping to learn and grow a ton but need measures to put in place ASAP.

LaTeeDa

I commend you for asking this question. And, yes, I think counseling can help. But, sadly, living with this behavior will affect them. No doubt about it.

L

qwe

Do your children know that your H is an alcoholic?

When we were in counselling, this was an important point the counsellor wanted us to make clear to the children. There is a concept called "mystification of experience", where, in my layman's terms (at least my understanding of it), one knows that something is not "right" or "normal", or one knows/feels something is happening/not right. However, because it is not discussed/brought out into the open one begins to question one's own ability to interpret reality, and it teaches us not to trust our own instincts.

Within 3 1/2 months of my husband being identified by the counsellor as alcoholic we had a family counselling session where the counsellor explained the situation to our kids. It was a big blow to the kids, but it opened up a channel for conversations. Not that my husband is having them, but at least I can. It has forced us all to live with this out in the open. There are still effects from it and the kids have much to process (and neither really wants to right now), but stuff can be labelled and talked about. I think the counsellor was right to have us have the family session.

Carol Star

Alateen is great. They also have literature.

atdawn

Your post reminded me of one of my posts, looked for it and it was 4 years ago, almost to the day... (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...your-kids.html)...

At the time, I went to alanon for a short while, and I did take some valuable information, and tried to 'detach'. It seems that alanon and alateen would be good for you and your son. But how to teach detachment to small children .... and how to detach when your children are being affected... personally I could never quite get my head round that ... In the end, the only way I could protect them (and myself - and that is important too - kids need a healthy and happy mom) was by leaving... just realized it took 4 years for me to remove them from the situation ...