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Old 03-16-2010, 03:55 PM
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I had no idea where to post this or even whether this post would be suitable.

I would like women and mens opinion on this (I ask myself why and I guess its because Im not sure if Im just being over reactive)

Found out yesterday that my partner of 14yrs actually prefers other women (Porn on the internet). It has come up before and of course, he promised he wouldnt do it again. I guess Im pretty conservative and this just doesnt mix with me. Actually it makes me feel quite inadequate. I know this stuff is ok with some people but it doesnt make me feel that 'special'
So Im tossing whether I just accept this is 'normal' male behaviour or move on. What are your thoughts?
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:02 PM
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Well to me, it's normal for men to watch porn. I would be worried if my guy wasn't looking at some porn. But I do see how women feel it's disrespectful and it can make them feel insecure.

But the more you tell him not to look, the more he will want it. Youre tryng to control his natural urges and that never works out well
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Old 03-16-2010, 04:07 PM
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My opinion? It doesn't matter what 'normal' is (cycle on a washing machine as far as I know), or what is ok with other people. This is your relationship, and you get to decide what's ok with you and what's not. I guess what you really need to decide is whether this is a dealbreaker or not, because it sounds like he sees nothing wrong with it. Even though you have expressed your discomfort.

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Old 03-16-2010, 04:34 PM
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Looking at porn doesn't mean he prefers other women. I am sort of conflicted on the issue of porn. On one hand, I think it's gross. On the other hand, I know that men are very visual when it comes to sex. While you or I could jill off without any visual aid, most men either look at porn or visually recall past sexual encounters. I heard Adam Carolla say once, would you rather have him j/o while watching porn or while thinking about his ex-girlfriend? LOL.
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Old 03-16-2010, 05:31 PM
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justjo, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I'm not adverse to pornography myself, but for me it is a matter of content.

Early in our relationship, my XABF and I watched movies together to inspire us. They were couple and relationship oriented and promoted more romantic encounters than just sexual maneuvers. A little more Playboy and a lot less Hustler, if that conveys.

Later in our relationship, I found he was viewing a lot of porn online in secret. I protested. I felt the content was too hard core to be appropriate. On top of that the only things he wanted to do in the bedroom were just like he was viewing online, which left me feeling violated rather than loved. After he crashed our only computer leaving it so it would only play continuous porn files, I set blocks on the system to keep him off the sites. Like a child.

I did keep the HBO adult shows on the satellite even though I was the only one watching them.

I agree that it is all about what you are comfortable with. If you're not comfortable, then going along with it is just wrong for you physically and emotionally.

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Old 03-16-2010, 05:33 PM
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If it bothers you, it's a problem. It doesn't really matter if it's a common thing or not.
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Old 03-16-2010, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
justjo, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I'm not adverse to pornography myself, but for me it is a matter of content.

Early in our relationship, my XABF and I watched movies together to inspire us. They were couple and relationship oriented and promoted more romantic encounters than just sexual maneuvers. A little more Playboy and a lot less Hustler, if that conveys.

Later in our relationship, I found he was viewing a lot of porn online in secret. I protested. I felt the content was too hard core to be appropriate. On top of that the only things he wanted to do in the bedroom were just like he was viewing online, which left me feeling violated rather than loved. After he crashed our only computer leaving it so it would only play continuous porn files, I set blocks on the system to keep him off the sites. Like a child.

I did keep the HBO adult shows on the satellite even though I was the only one watching them.

I agree that it is all about what you are comfortable with. If you're not comfortable, then going along with it is just wrong for you physically and emotionally.

Alice

I agree with this, it depends on the content and for how long and how much
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Old 03-16-2010, 05:39 PM
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Sure if it makes you that uncomfortable then you need to decide, but it's not something that is "wrong" per say and there needs to be compromise if you respect his choices.

But like was said about, if it's a deal breaker then you need to leave because you can't tell him to stop something that is natural to him (unless it borders on excessive or freaky)
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Old 03-16-2010, 06:05 PM
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I had a boyfriend who kept a stack of playboys by the bed. He was a delightful, inventive, creative lover who treated me like a queen. I didn't mind the porn.

My ex husband had a secret, daily porn habit. He told me he was basically asexual, and that lie continued for about a year and a half (a frustrated, confused year and a half for me) until I found out about his online hobbies. I hit the roof about the porn.

It's all context. I think porn does more harm than good, yeah, it trains viewers to respond to things that aren't real and by contrast tune out things that are. But we're all wired differently, for every porn (and alcohol) addict there's another user who isn't compulsive about it.

I agree-- it doesn't matter if it's "normal" or not. To me, it's not normal to continually do something that hurts your partner, and "forsaking all others" doesn't mean "except when I want to look at naked, airbrushed pictures of others without my partner's knowledge." Personally, I'm a very tactile person, but while I was married I didn't think I had the right to touch other men for jollies.

It was a relief to say, "OK, maybe I'm overreacting, but this is how I feel." I eventually got a divorce from the porn addict and took up with a man who was neutral about porn, and into me, and that was a relief.
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Old 03-16-2010, 09:55 PM
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What I found is that my STBXAH used porn as a substitute for drugs/alcohol/attention from OW. ESCAPISM I think is the word. He became as obsessed. That is what bothered me. He used it as a way to "punish" me also. I feel in a otherwise healthy relationship there could be room for this. But as soon as one obsesses about it it makes me uncomfortable.
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Old 03-16-2010, 10:21 PM
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Understand what you are saying. When I said, he prefers other women (I was actually saying it in a joking manner)

I guess for me, Im nearly 50, porn is not something that I encountered much in my life. I married the man I met at 17, who wasnt into it, divorced at 34, met my now partner 14yrs ago.
My life has had its ups and downs and this stuff doesnt come into it. We just dont watch it together etc etc. He never asked me too but denies it if the subject comes up. Embarrassed - dont know.
Its not something i want to do either, I dont need it and yep, it bothers me that he gets off on this. Why, because we havent been that intimate for years and maybe this is why. I use to blame myself that he didnt want to be intimate with me . What have I done to upset him now, maybe Im just not sexy enough, too old, who the heck knows. Or just maybe this is what he just prefers to do and I'll have to decide what I am able to live with.
What I cant really understand is that he has treated me like a queen, tells me he loves me everyday, holds my hand, all that kind of stuff, yet, when its bed time, hes too tired or whatever the heck it is. Maybe Ive just answered my own question, hey!
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Old 03-17-2010, 03:44 PM
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My husband sneaks porn, too.
I don't mind it the visual sex part. I'd look with him, if he'd like.
I mind the degrading women part and his sneaking/hiding.
It's hard to find porn that honors women, so I can't really blame him there.
The sneaking has to do with shame, I think. I have compassion, but it makes me feel like, "What else is he hiding?"
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Old 03-17-2010, 06:01 PM
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I caught BF watching some video. And I got angry. I don't know, its just degrading to women.

I think I minded that he did that when he was just next to me.

If he was home now watching them I don't think I would mind. I think its more about ignoring you rather than what is being used as a distraction..... I agree with the others you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker......
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Old 03-19-2010, 12:20 AM
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I like what others have said about if it bothers you it’s a problem. One thing you might want to know is that some are now looking at porn as a potential addiction. I've done some research on the matter and I've learned some interesting things. Pornography use is just recently (within in the last five or six years) becoming a research topic for those who study addictions. Just like a lot of other things (drinking, gambling, even gaming), it appears pornography use can develop into a compulsive addiction. When someone is addicted to something there are changes in the brain...those same changes are seen in compulsive pornography users. Some people call it a "natural addiction," much like over-eating, because it messes with chemicals (primarily dopamine, if I remember correctly) that are naturally produced in the body. However, just like food or alcohol or video games, it doesn’t develop into an addiction for everyone. If an addiction (or unaddressed addiction) in your relationship is a deal breaker, you may want to figure out if this is just a recreational thing for him or if it’s developed into something he can’t stop.

Also, from what I have seen and heard, your feelings of inadequacy are completely normal. It’s not uncommon for men who compulsively use porn to have a hard time connecting sexually to real live women. It makes sense that this would feel rejecting to you.

This is a difficult thing to deal with and I wish you the best as you figure it out. Good luck!
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Old 03-19-2010, 06:47 AM
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Hmmm I know my hubby does it and I dont like it. Here goes TMI- Im almost 8 months pregnant so we're not having sex. He has a thing about poking the baby and I just dont feel attractive. So I don't like it, but I guess he has needs so I try to curbe the jealous feelings. What isn't okay for me is if he would rather watch porn and pleasure himself rather than be intimate with me. Like if he finds a movie and his hand more enjoying than being with me thats a problem.
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Old 03-19-2010, 07:12 AM
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I feel it's ok in certain circumstances, I'd be up for using it as an "aid" i.e. watching it together, and I wouldn't mind him watching if it was done openly but if it's used "instead of" a healthy sex life and it's hidden and kept secret, that's where it would become an issue for me.
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Old 03-19-2010, 09:36 AM
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I can tell you that this is not something I would be able to look past like it is no big deal.....I know everyone has their own opinions on this, but if it bothers you - then he should respect that and stop. I know easier probablly said than done.
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Old 03-23-2010, 04:54 AM
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The prob for me is that this has happened in the past over 14 years or so. Everytime I caught him out, hed feel ashamed, sick all that kind of bu,,,,,it and tell me how much he needed me instead. Every time I somehow worked through it but this time Ive just had it I think. Its kind of like him having some affair. I guess, If he is getting so much pleasure from this instead of me, its some how over. I just cant get my head around it right now and I think am I being a stupid female, worrying about the fact he did this but somehow its like he has betrayed me.
What I cant understand in this world - its ok for men to look at porn and get off but its not ok for them to actually have an affair/sex with someone real.
Tell me whats the difference?
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Old 03-23-2010, 06:37 AM
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Men are visual beings, If they take it physical or emotional, then it becomes an affair.

Is he viewing porn on and off or is it a constant? Does he use it to masturbate or to get aroused and has sex with you?
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Old 03-23-2010, 06:47 AM
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Here's what I've observed...

Some men become sort of desensitized to the porn. They need weirder and weirder things to become aroused. My AH just died. I started going through the discs from his digital camera and found things I wish I hadn't. Some downloaded from the internet. Sometimes they were pics he'd taken of friends, (one in particular in a bathing suit.) I have to kind of fill in the blanks, but some pics are of strangers on the street and look like bad surveillance photos.

I now wonder even more the circumstances of losing his last two jobs. Some pics were taken at a place and time of day when AH should have been at work.

And I wonder about that friend in the bathing suit. The pics of her were *not* taken in secret.

And DH had a scrip for Viagra, he wasn't using it with me.

I think I read somewhere that a downward spiral of more perverse taste in porn is common to alcoholics.
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