How do I get out?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
How do I get out?!
I know it seems so simple but I truly don’t know how. I’m feeling completely stuck, ashamed, poor, and in despair. AH and I have been together 12 years, own a business together, own (bank owns) our home etc. We’re just so entangled financially that I don’t see how to split our assets and debts down the middle, but I can’t stay because the emotional abuse is so unbearable. I can’t get away from him! He’s ruining our business by being drunk there. Customers on the phone probably can tell and the employees know. He makes my life hell when I’m at work and at home by screaming obscenities at me. Neighbors at work and at home hear this. He blames me for everything. I have zero self-esteem because I’ve put up with his abuse.
He tries to alienate me from my friends, family, and neighbors by telling them what a horrible person I am. He screams at me if I talk to my sister on the phone, and tries to prevent me from talking to her. Three times he’s called the cops when he’s drunk and claims I’m beating him in effort to have me arrested and sent to jail. But later he blames me for the calling the cops because he doesn’t remember. Luckily, the cops have not believed him but when they show up, they make me leave because he’s too drunk to drive. He’s so angry at me, blames me for his two times in jail (DUI and domestic abuse) so that’s why he wants me in jail. I don’t even want him in jail because it costs too much. He constantly threatens to call the police when he’s mad at me.
I live in a constant state of fear: that someone will go to jail, that we’ll lose business, that he’ll break his leg again (no insurance), fall on his head again, that he’ll drive drunk when the interlock device comes off his car next month, that something financially devastating will happen. I do not want to live like this! But I do, partly because I still love him and partly because I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. However, now I’m getting physically sick from all the drama. I’ve tried Al Anon, counseling etc. I haven’t been able to detach. And that makes me feel even worse and more depressed that I’m not strong enough, good enough. I wish I could be more like most of you because you “got it” and are now living healthy lives. And my progress is ********.
He tries to alienate me from my friends, family, and neighbors by telling them what a horrible person I am. He screams at me if I talk to my sister on the phone, and tries to prevent me from talking to her. Three times he’s called the cops when he’s drunk and claims I’m beating him in effort to have me arrested and sent to jail. But later he blames me for the calling the cops because he doesn’t remember. Luckily, the cops have not believed him but when they show up, they make me leave because he’s too drunk to drive. He’s so angry at me, blames me for his two times in jail (DUI and domestic abuse) so that’s why he wants me in jail. I don’t even want him in jail because it costs too much. He constantly threatens to call the police when he’s mad at me.
I live in a constant state of fear: that someone will go to jail, that we’ll lose business, that he’ll break his leg again (no insurance), fall on his head again, that he’ll drive drunk when the interlock device comes off his car next month, that something financially devastating will happen. I do not want to live like this! But I do, partly because I still love him and partly because I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. However, now I’m getting physically sick from all the drama. I’ve tried Al Anon, counseling etc. I haven’t been able to detach. And that makes me feel even worse and more depressed that I’m not strong enough, good enough. I wish I could be more like most of you because you “got it” and are now living healthy lives. And my progress is ********.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I don't have any advice but this is way beyond mere alcoholism, this man is abusing you horribly. My ex still goes around telling anyone and everyone what a horrible person I am, and she also tried to isolate me from my family. Abusive control. Really, you need to look into going to a woman's shelter I think.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Saint Frances, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Duped is right...this is beyond alcoholism. You are being emotionally abused and yes, you do need to get away from him. Please, call the domestic abuse hotline and just talk to someone. You don't have to make any decisions right away, but just talking to someone who understands what you are going through can help. They can guide you through the steps necessary to get away from him, as well as tell you what important things (papers, etc.) to take with you. You do not have to live in fear. Please, make the call. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Saint Francis 
I live in a constant state of fear: that someone will go to jail, that we’ll lose business, that he’ll break his leg again (no insurance), fall on his head again, that he’ll drive drunk when the interlock device comes off his car next month, that something financially devastating will happen. I do not want to live like this! But I do, partly because I still love him and partly because I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.
It seems to me that, stay or go, could have financial consequences. So, maybe put that in the "neutral" column and make a list of pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Finances can be recovered, your health and well-being cannot.
Are you still active in counseling? Have you discussed your concerns with your counselor?
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Thanks LaTeeDa. You're one of those successful people who "get it." Actually, you're my hero. I never told you this, but I named my cat after you 3 years ago.
Good advice about the pros and cons. Finances are neutral because both options are costly.
AH is not physically abusive so I don't want to take up a much needed bed at a shelter. But emotionally abusive, yes.
Good advice about the pros and cons. Finances are neutral because both options are costly.
AH is not physically abusive so I don't want to take up a much needed bed at a shelter. But emotionally abusive, yes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Saint Francis
Thanks LaTeeDa. You're one of those successful people who "get it." Actually, you're my hero. I never told you this, but I named my cat after you 3 years ago.
Good advice about the pros and cons. Finances are neutral because both options are costly.
AH is not physically abusive so I don't want to take up a much needed bed at a shelter. But emotionally abusive, yes.
Good advice about the pros and cons. Finances are neutral because both options are costly.
AH is not physically abusive so I don't want to take up a much needed bed at a shelter. But emotionally abusive, yes.
Okay, so you don't want to go to a shelter. I can understand that, and if you're not in danger, then it's a valid choice.
But, those hotlines are more than just to reserve a bed, you know? The people who answer those phones are there to provide counsel and advice to help people in abusive relationships--emotional or physical. I hope you will make the call. What have you got to lose?
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
St Francis
I have experienced a verbally abusive controlling relationship. Even though like you I was never physically struck the results of the abuse are devestating to our mental health, self esteem, self worth, decision making ability and more. I felt thrown off balance, disconnected, confused and disorientated.
I sought help through a counsellor experienced in abuse and have never ever regreted speaking to her. A professional who understands the is unvaluable. I am in Australia so do not know what resources are in your are but urge you to find professioanl support and advice.
I have experienced a verbally abusive controlling relationship. Even though like you I was never physically struck the results of the abuse are devestating to our mental health, self esteem, self worth, decision making ability and more. I felt thrown off balance, disconnected, confused and disorientated.
I sought help through a counsellor experienced in abuse and have never ever regreted speaking to her. A professional who understands the is unvaluable. I am in Australia so do not know what resources are in your are but urge you to find professioanl support and advice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I too would make the phone call.
I've called the national hotline just to get local phone numbers and they have never asked any questions.
You can get free cousling at some of the local shelters with out actually having to go and live there. I went to and filled out the paper work for counsling and they told me there woud me a 2-3 month waiting list. I was super dissapointed.
However with in 2 -3 weeks they have me set up to come in this Friday and have been able to give me tons of phone numbers and legal resources that I never would have known about otherwise. They do not push you to make any desicions but just help you realize what options are avalible to you. They are very careful about your safety and genuinely care.
It can't hurt to try. Best of luck.
I've called the national hotline just to get local phone numbers and they have never asked any questions.
You can get free cousling at some of the local shelters with out actually having to go and live there. I went to and filled out the paper work for counsling and they told me there woud me a 2-3 month waiting list. I was super dissapointed.
However with in 2 -3 weeks they have me set up to come in this Friday and have been able to give me tons of phone numbers and legal resources that I never would have known about otherwise. They do not push you to make any desicions but just help you realize what options are avalible to you. They are very careful about your safety and genuinely care.
It can't hurt to try. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Verbal and mental abuse is abuse. A couple of attorneys gave me advice free. We wrote our own seperation agreement.He wrote the agreement and it was fair. His disease is progressive. He will have legal/financial consequences. If he went to jail at least he would have time to think and sober up. My divorce was cheap....$400. but we walked in there with our own seperation agreement. I got out just in time. He kept the house but is now getting ready to lose that. My XAH was not physically abusive either but verbal/mental abuse is horrible. It is like being pecked to death.(peck-peck-peck) Take care of yourself.......Let him buy you out of the business!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I do not want to live like this! But I do, partly because I still love him and partly because I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.
You're more afraid of losing your status and things ....
than you are of being abused.
Nothing is going to change for you for the better
until you get hold of this part of the situation IMO.
You're lflat out saying you want your cake
and you want to eat it too.
However, now I’m getting physically sick from all the drama. I’ve tried Al Anon, counseling etc. I haven’t been able to detach. And that makes me feel even worse and more depressed that I’m not strong enough, good enough. I wish I could be more like most of you because you “got it” and are now living healthy lives. And my progress is ********.
THing is - I sincerely doubt that anyone on these boards 'got it'
and had everything remain the same.
I've been more broke in recovery than i've ever been before.
But I'm not going back to drinking just to make money.
I made my choice.
I can tell you confidently
with national statistics to back me up
that abuse ... any abuse
mental, emotional financial... ANY abuse....
does not get better.
alcoholism does not get better.
They get worse.
BOTH are potentially lethal.
They get worse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: here
Posts: 62
Hello Saint Francis,
I just want to say a few words about how I left and about shelters.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship. It got worse as he started breaking things in front of me, and the week before I left he threw stuff around and at me, but nothing hit me.
When I left, I was not sure what to do, just knew I had to leave. I had meant to prepared for departure, to see a lawyer, etc etc. But I ended up leaving without a good plan. I just had a moment of clear knowledge that I had to leave, there and then, that if I did not do it right now the courage might leave me again.
So I had to go, and then work out a plan. Someone had mentioned the abuse hotline to me on these boards a few months before. I made a few phone calls, was given the number of a list of shelters.
When I called, I was expecting
1) That they would have no room
2) That I would not qualify to go there, because there was no physical abuse.
To my surprise, they had room, and took me in. Once I got there, I was told I was guaranteed 48h there, and that to get there longer term there would certainly be no problem, I just had to write down my story. I did that, and I was half expecting after reading it they would say ‘sorry, we have more urgent cases, you do not qualify’. But no, to my amazement, they kept me, and they took the verbal abuse and intimidation seriously.
The place was great. The support staff were truly amazing, and inspiring. They had tons of good advice, from a legal point of view, and helped me feel stronger about my decision. When I arrived at the shelter I felt very guilty, and I felt like a scared little rabbit. They helped me not feeling guilty, to think about me. Even though the whole week after I left was an emotional roller coaster, this was a place where I could mentally recharge, away from the distorted spectacles I was wearing when I was all alone in this horrible little messed up world that AH and I were living in. Every time I had a doubt, I would go and speak to one of the staff, and every time afterwards I felt stronger.
I avoided communication with AH during that time, because I did not want to hear threats, or sweet empty promises. Instead, I could share and get opinions from people who have a lot of experience from having helped many others before me.
So, why not give the shelter a try?
As for still loving him: sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but if you stay like that, he will never get better, he is slowly killing himself, and he is slowly killing you.
I just want to say a few words about how I left and about shelters.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship. It got worse as he started breaking things in front of me, and the week before I left he threw stuff around and at me, but nothing hit me.
When I left, I was not sure what to do, just knew I had to leave. I had meant to prepared for departure, to see a lawyer, etc etc. But I ended up leaving without a good plan. I just had a moment of clear knowledge that I had to leave, there and then, that if I did not do it right now the courage might leave me again.
So I had to go, and then work out a plan. Someone had mentioned the abuse hotline to me on these boards a few months before. I made a few phone calls, was given the number of a list of shelters.
When I called, I was expecting
1) That they would have no room
2) That I would not qualify to go there, because there was no physical abuse.
To my surprise, they had room, and took me in. Once I got there, I was told I was guaranteed 48h there, and that to get there longer term there would certainly be no problem, I just had to write down my story. I did that, and I was half expecting after reading it they would say ‘sorry, we have more urgent cases, you do not qualify’. But no, to my amazement, they kept me, and they took the verbal abuse and intimidation seriously.
The place was great. The support staff were truly amazing, and inspiring. They had tons of good advice, from a legal point of view, and helped me feel stronger about my decision. When I arrived at the shelter I felt very guilty, and I felt like a scared little rabbit. They helped me not feeling guilty, to think about me. Even though the whole week after I left was an emotional roller coaster, this was a place where I could mentally recharge, away from the distorted spectacles I was wearing when I was all alone in this horrible little messed up world that AH and I were living in. Every time I had a doubt, I would go and speak to one of the staff, and every time afterwards I felt stronger.
I avoided communication with AH during that time, because I did not want to hear threats, or sweet empty promises. Instead, I could share and get opinions from people who have a lot of experience from having helped many others before me.
So, why not give the shelter a try?
As for still loving him: sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but if you stay like that, he will never get better, he is slowly killing himself, and he is slowly killing you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Here's an excellent step-by-step guide on how to leave and what to take. Even though you aren't dealing with physical abuse, take the pertinent parts of this post and leave the rest.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
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