So, he got his first clue today...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
So, he got his first clue today...
I had printed out a list of local Al-Anon meetings, and left it in my car. I didn't conciously plan on him seeing it, but if I'm honest, I know I probably did it for a reason.
He's a shift worker, and when he came in this morning, he offered to go wash my car before I left for work. After he left, I remembered the papers were sitting on the front seat, in obvious view.
I fretted the whole time he was gone... the balance of peace is so delicate in our house and I was afraid I'd upset it by angering him. He stayed gone a really long time, longer than I thought was necessary.
When he returned, I could tell by his tight-lipped demeanor and refusal to look me in the eye that he'd seen the schedule and now knows my mindset. He was really quiet for awhile, but by the time I left he seemed almost back to normal. It didn't stop him from guzzling his morning 6 pack before going to bed, that's for sure.
He's off for the next 3 days, and I have no idea what to expect... I've never taken this step before and he's bound to be panicking. My guess is that he'll play the perfect husband as long as he can, all the while downing his beer 24/7. He is capable of doing both when he wants to.
Wish me luck, I'm in uncharted territory here.
He's a shift worker, and when he came in this morning, he offered to go wash my car before I left for work. After he left, I remembered the papers were sitting on the front seat, in obvious view.
I fretted the whole time he was gone... the balance of peace is so delicate in our house and I was afraid I'd upset it by angering him. He stayed gone a really long time, longer than I thought was necessary.
When he returned, I could tell by his tight-lipped demeanor and refusal to look me in the eye that he'd seen the schedule and now knows my mindset. He was really quiet for awhile, but by the time I left he seemed almost back to normal. It didn't stop him from guzzling his morning 6 pack before going to bed, that's for sure.
He's off for the next 3 days, and I have no idea what to expect... I've never taken this step before and he's bound to be panicking. My guess is that he'll play the perfect husband as long as he can, all the while downing his beer 24/7. He is capable of doing both when he wants to.
Wish me luck, I'm in uncharted territory here.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Wishing you luck.
Tides of fate may be orchestrating this one. As he now knows you mean business by change. He should feel uncomfortable and uneasy. The winds of change are a blowing and he'd better pitch sail to stay afloat.
Tides of fate may be orchestrating this one. As he now knows you mean business by change. He should feel uncomfortable and uneasy. The winds of change are a blowing and he'd better pitch sail to stay afloat.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
What happens next is different for everyone. For my a dad, he quickly realized (from the first sobriety to the few relapses he's had over the last 25 years) that he had a problem and began, in time, his own recovery (or picked up where he had "left off").
For my xabf, it was much like it is for yours right now. That uneasy, uncomfortable, me thinking "oh gawd what have I done" feeling throughout the house. He stopped drinking--around me, anyway. Sometimes it was harder on me than his drinking in plane site was. I realized later that drinking or not, he was a jerk (just a bigger one when he he downed a few). For the longest time I questioned myself -- was he an alcoholic or did alcohol just bring out a bigger monster? But the more he noticed my alanon readings laying around (I have quite a few books and a newcomer packet that I got years ago laying next to my bed), the less jerky he tried to be. And my defenses so to speak would start to lower. That's when his **** would hit the fan. I swear I saw that little devil on his shoulder rubbing his hands together with an evil grin mumbling "haha, RIGHT back where I want her!" And again I'd question what had I done.
Stick to your guns!! It took awhile for me to accept that I was in alanon for ME, not to learn how to deal with him (which was initially my mindset for joining). He forces you to accept his drinking. It's his turn for some acceptance towards your choice of alanon.
I wish you luck my dear. May you stay stronger than I ever was!
For my xabf, it was much like it is for yours right now. That uneasy, uncomfortable, me thinking "oh gawd what have I done" feeling throughout the house. He stopped drinking--around me, anyway. Sometimes it was harder on me than his drinking in plane site was. I realized later that drinking or not, he was a jerk (just a bigger one when he he downed a few). For the longest time I questioned myself -- was he an alcoholic or did alcohol just bring out a bigger monster? But the more he noticed my alanon readings laying around (I have quite a few books and a newcomer packet that I got years ago laying next to my bed), the less jerky he tried to be. And my defenses so to speak would start to lower. That's when his **** would hit the fan. I swear I saw that little devil on his shoulder rubbing his hands together with an evil grin mumbling "haha, RIGHT back where I want her!" And again I'd question what had I done.
Stick to your guns!! It took awhile for me to accept that I was in alanon for ME, not to learn how to deal with him (which was initially my mindset for joining). He forces you to accept his drinking. It's his turn for some acceptance towards your choice of alanon.
I wish you luck my dear. May you stay stronger than I ever was!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yeah, I remember being afraid of upsetting the delicate balance between XAH and I...I also remember being ANGRY at some point that *I* had to keep the peace when XAH could easily upset it and then blame me.
Seems like your HP is giving you a helping hand right now.
Eventually, you'll get to the point where it doesn't matter if your partner is pissed off, drunk, sad, happy, whatever. You'll just focus on you.
Seems like your HP is giving you a helping hand right now.
Eventually, you'll get to the point where it doesn't matter if your partner is pissed off, drunk, sad, happy, whatever. You'll just focus on you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good on you for taking steps to care for yourself!
You are not responsible for his feelings. His feelings. He can choose to feel anything and everything about your attending AlAnon meetings. You are not responsible for his feelings.
I was briefly concerned about my active A finding out about my attending meetings. Then I remembered I was not responsible for anyone else's feelings or happiness. I am responsible for taking care of myself and owning my feelings. I felt better about myself for attending Alanon, therefore, it was a good decision for me at that time in my life.
That was over a year ago. I still don't know what my then active A thought about my attending Alanon. I remember some snarky comments, but I have forgotten the words. It didn't matter anymore. He was quacking.
You are not responsible for his feelings. His feelings. He can choose to feel anything and everything about your attending AlAnon meetings. You are not responsible for his feelings.
I was briefly concerned about my active A finding out about my attending meetings. Then I remembered I was not responsible for anyone else's feelings or happiness. I am responsible for taking care of myself and owning my feelings. I felt better about myself for attending Alanon, therefore, it was a good decision for me at that time in my life.
That was over a year ago. I still don't know what my then active A thought about my attending Alanon. I remember some snarky comments, but I have forgotten the words. It didn't matter anymore. He was quacking.
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