MAuigirl

Alizerin: That is just the point - you DO NOT have to suffer. And you can do something: you can let him go and give him to God. Pray for him and wish him well.

We obsess because it FEELS like we are DOING SOMETHING. It gives us a false sense of control over an uncontrollable situation. I know this because I do this too. But when I am able to say honestly in my heart that I do not have the strength to continue to obsess, I can start to let it or that person go. Recognizing that this behavior is literally killing you and that you do not have the ability to keep every plate spinning is the first step.

Let's all take that first step together.

Ceres

<thanks>

I do feel TONS better getting all that out on paper <err, computer>. I guess Melodie knows what she's doing. ;-) STILL the most amazing thing is the input we get from here and reading others issues. It's like speeding up what would take much, much, longer without it. People helping people SEE reality. Priceless.

posiesperson

Okay, alanonic, I could have written those words you posted. EXACTLY. Wow.

Al, I really hear you around the surrender thing, and Maui what you wrote is inspiring. Oh, this is SO UP MY ALLEY right now.

Warning: I'm whiny at the moment. My sponsor has been working with me on step 3 (I want to do step 4!) and what I'm finding is that I'm having an awful hard time prying my fingers off of this situation with my A. Yes Maui, it feels like I'm "doing something" but like you said it's SO destructive to me and I WANT TO STOP. I don't even have contact with A. right now and I am soooooooo wanting to hang onto the situations, memories, etc. And then I trick myself by focusing on the stuff that felt good in the moment so that brings up all kinds of feelings having to do with missing A.

My inner kiddo is totally throwing a temper tantrum on the playground right now. She does NOT want to have to do it differently. And yet, all the other kids are running around and playing and having a great time and here she is, lying in the f**king dust. WHY? Because she wouldn't let the playground grown-up (HP) take care of the issues cuz the HP IS the boss! And that part of me doesn't wannnnnnnnnnna have to give this up!

BUT, what would happen if I actually got up, dusted off and started playing...? Whew. Okay, maybe I do want that. Maybe I do want to find someone else(s) to play with, someone(s) unlike my A who keeps alternating between being my best friend and pulling my ponytails/shoving me when the more "cool" kids are around.

Gawd, this work is either gonna make me well or kill me. I'm very thankful for Melanie B's book and for this forum.

Humph,
posie

BS08

I've always considered this song the Codependents theme song....

Ceres

That whole post was awsome! I'm gonna steal this gem...:

"My inner kiddo is totally throwing a temper tantrum on the playground right now."

....And make it my own. ;-)

posiesperson

It's all yours, my dear. I find I'm on the playground a whole lot more than I EVER realized. Which is fine, so long as I don't make decisions when I'm lying face-down in the dust!!


posie

alanonicnov2008

I love this image. I hit bottom when I started dating a new alcoholic while still talking about moving in with my alcoholic boyfriend and entertaining marrying a relationship/sex addict who had popped into my life again. Talk about spinning plates.

What all of the intrigue did for me was protect me from the raw pain of losing my primary relationship with my emotionally absent alcoholic boyfriend...and realizing that I have to start from scratch with me. And that means, kicking my ass in gear, getting my career on track, keeping my friendships happy, and working the steps. ALONE. With no crutch.

Scary as hell. I'm the type of person who can never go a few months without a boyfriend, and the shell of a person I feel like sometimes is the result. I have absolutely no loyalty to myself.

Ceres

"Scary as hell. I'm the type of person who can never go a few months without a boyfriend, and the shell of a person I feel like sometimes is the result. I have absolutely no loyalty to myself."

<wave> That's me all over too.

posiesperson

Me too! Me too! So well put. That sucks that I'm such a bad friend to myself.

Gawd, I'm tired.

posie

Ceres

^
Bump

Come on people, only a few of us have done this. <Feeling all exposed 'n stuff>

bookwyrm

Alizeirn, I haven't read the chapter yet - work got in the way!

Anyway, I just wanted to send you :ghug3 After your first few posts, I'm worried about you. Why are you tormenting yourself with an emotionally unavailable man? You knew he didn't want a long term romantic relationship, but thought you could change him with a wild weekend. He is your DOC. His reaction to your overreaction is his responsibility, not yours. I'm more worried about YOU. Why would you say you'll always be totally devoted to him, when you know he won't reciprocate? You can't make it all better for him sweetie - but you can make it all better for you. You deserve so much better than this. I hope that, once we get to the end of the book, you will be able to finally let go of your fantasy of life with him and fine peace and love on your terms.

Ceres

Thanks Booky. :-) - I'm gonna be working on it!

I do hope others get to it. Otherwise, I'll be talking to myself by chapter 8! :-P

Insulated

I really had to read, reread and digest the chapter of detachment overnight. After 2 years and constantly being either kicked out or leaving (I became the pac n send posterchild), 4 months prior to late ABF overdose, I became emotionally detached. I recall an incident 8 months prior to his death when he had to go to court for a theft charge and A) didn't go with him B) didn't even bother to ask what happened at court C) he was upset and chastised me because I didn't ask - I just looked at him blankly and STILL didn't ask. I simply no longer cared.

He did go to rehab, but that was a false start and the recommended investment time and effort was 1/4 put in by him. One month later he was using. When he got arrested and carted off in the paddy wagon late one sunday night for a plethora of charges which he could not deny as it was on video and audio with confidential informant and undercover sheriff - i went to bat for it at first, but finally once when he called from jail, I told him to get his girlfriend he's been rubbing my nose in to do his outside work and hung up, turned my phone off and went to sleep. He was released with a GPS and on the day of his hearing, I went to work and didn't really care what the outcome was. I began training for a new job and was very clear to him that I wasn't letting HIM screw anything up for me. I also stopped sleeping with him. I am unsure why I stayed living with him. I'd even made it clear to him two weeks before his death that if he really wants to get married, get and stay clean for 6 months then he can talk to me about it. Also, whether or not we are together, I still would like to see him achieve his dream of being drug free. I was living in the same house with my fiance' and emotionally attached. He asked me to pay the water bill and when I said absolutely not, I don't subsidize drug addicts, he then asked me for a ride and I said nope, let HER do it! I was a mean "B". I am still beating myself up for not being more financially secure and able so I could move out on my own, because my family and friends were exhausted and tuned me out with the chronic chaos in my house with the A. I'dve left sooner if I had a place to live far away from his stalking!

Ceres

"I was a mean "B"

Oh, that's a sad story. :-(

But, I think you were being pretty REASONABLE. All things considered. I almost seemingly overnight became completely emotionally detached from my husband. The thing is, I wasn't attached to him at all. I was ENTANGLED (as melodie puts it) in controlling his disease. When I found this forum I was tryin to get advice on drug testing him. Two weeks later - He was out of the house! (thanks guys).

Now, look. Same self-destructive codependent issues coming out in an entirely new situation. Entirely different codependent issues. All lead me to entanglement. That's my word for the week:

ENTANGLEMENT

Thanks. :-)

Insulated

I didn't think it too sad. He committed the crimes. He did the drugs. He drank the alcohol. I was in stealth mode of detachment. It took a long long time to find that teeny tiny fray of thread to begin the untangle process. I needed a magnifying glass!

MAuigirl

Mauigirl

TakingCharge999

Hey Alizerin, you are not powerful enough to ruin anyone or make anyone depressed, in my depression that lasted years and years there was much stuff from childhood, teen years etc and an accumulation of experiences with "romantic interests" that took me so very low. I don't think its one person alone..

alanonicnov, posie, I get you and thanks for posting, I could have posted the same words!!

No contact rules, although I have nightmares often about XABF. I am creating a good life yet I hear his voice and its like hell. I have identified my anger towards him is also because his acts made sure no good memory of him was kept. Then I remember one or two instances and I feel like AN IDIOT for wanting to keep them after so many things.

I can't believe how different Jekyll was from Mr Hyde. No one believed me when I talked about a few things he did. Now a few believe he has changed for the worse. He of course acts as Man of the Year.

Just seeing him around feeling larger than life makes me nauseous. Although that me be a good thing. I am now REPELLED so I guess that is progress on my part. When I pass he looks somewhere else. Good.

Now he is almost next to me laughing with a "friend" of his. Thank God for earplugs. Let me adjust them so I hear NOTHING.

Ceres

<smile>

You reminded me of something I forgot - How chaotic my growing up years were. My brain is certainly wired for it. The messier the better sometimes, I guess. That may be why when I'm in somekind of turmoil, I never get a craving to drink. It's when all is good that I'll sometimes get a craving. Which is backwards for most.


"but I am having a hard time learning the boundaries for me of when my private thoughts stay private"

Me too! I tend to say EVERYTHING. :-P

Thumper

1.) Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? Write about the situation and person. Then write about YOUR feelings and YOUR thoughts

I'll write about my xah.

The problem was my marriage to an alcoholic. I was excessively worried about making it work. I continued to try and make it work, make my life work, even when I no longer cared about being married to him. I was not so much obsessed with him personally (I resented him so much I could think of nothing but getting free of him actually) but obsessed with making life work. I couldn't figure out why I just couldn't work around the 'issues'. I thought I would be a complete failure at everything, including a parent, if I divorce this man. I was standing in nothing but rubble and stupidly, stubbornly, trying to build a life. I was trying to make things how I wanted them all the while completely ignoring/denying how they really were. I was completely crushed with guilt and felt largely responsible for every.single.thing. I would berate myself constantly about why I was this way or that and so it was not a difficult task for him to subtly emotionally blackmail and manipulate me with guilt and to devalue me with little comments here and there. We'd been together 16 years. He knew exactly which screws to turn for maximum affect.

2.) How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? How has staying attached - Obsessing/worrying/trying to control helped?

Detaching from the person felt/feels sooooo incredibly freeing. It is like a miracle to be honest. I can create a life without trying to get someone else to cooperate. My mind feels so much more clear. I was soo confused before. I was consumed with him. Not staying with him but consumed by the entire situation. The anger, the resentment, the impossible task of building a life of security and peacefulness, the inability to parent, the feelings of being trapped. There were so many balls to keep in the air. There was no end. No hope. I was 110% exhausted in every way (physically, emotionally, spiritually). Detaching from the problem was harder. I still have to catch/monitor myself from trying to control the outcome by controlling or manipulating other people. I want things to turn out the way I want them to dammit. I have difficulty figuring out what is my responsibility, what is reasonable, and what is controlling. How did the obsessing help? It didn't help at all. It drove me crazy, it distracted me as a mother, I became filled with anger and resentment. I look back and am shocked at how long I spent teetering on the edge of what felt like a breakdown of massive proportions. I was so torn with the obsession of turning my broken life into a my fantasy life if I just worked a little harder at it, and the realization that I was being completely erased and replaced by someone I didn't know, didn't like, someone that would never ever be at rest again - and that this person was who was raising my kids.

I was afraid of him (and he has never laid a hand on me) because I could not protect my very being when I was around him. He wanted more and more and more and would say and do anything to get it with no care or regard for what I needed - and I allowed it. I gave in. My boundaries had ceased to exist. I hated myself and therefore I hated him. I was filled with fear. His love feels like something he is taking away from me. Like I need to protect myself. I have no idea if that feeling comes from the way he is, or the way I am inside, but I'm glad to be away from it.


3.) If the problem or person wasn't there - What would you be doing with your life instead? Envision God (or your higher power) taking this issue away from you. Visualize his hands (or it's power) holding that person and willing to take over the problem. Now visualizing his hands (or it's power) holding you. All is well and as it should be - Better than you could ever think.

I first read this when we were still living together. I was more then ready to turn his problems over. I was sick to death of his problems. I could not envision what my life would be like though. There was nothing - but I knew nothing was better then what I had so I clung to that.

And now I'm here. Still have a long way to go but this is way better, lol. No regrets.

Ceres

Wow, that was a powerful read. Made me wonder what's up with me that I didn't pick the man I was married to for 9 years. You mentioned so many issues that would be so very normal in this situation. So, it certainly has me wondering about what I may be masking.