ES&H needed - Adult topic
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i'm gonna need a session or two with a therapist to come to terms with LTD and her "troops on manuevers" tho!!! LMAO
In all seriousness, though, I feel like I need to mention that this particular area of my life was only ONE part of me that I started to pay attention to in recovery.
It was (and still is) the WHOLE me that desperately needed healing. And it wasn't just mechanical. I read about tantra, sacred sex, the Kama Sutra, and the connection in eastern religions between sex and spirituality. This was fascinating to me as someone born in the US. (puritan/Christian/sex-is-shameful society)
I have developed a deep reverence for my body and the sexual energy it is capable of. And although part of my journey was to have a 'steamy fling,' I do not see that behavior as something I would want to repeat. Just another lesson along this road, I suppose.
L
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"It was (and still is) the WHOLE me that desperately needed healing. And it wasn't just mechanical. I read about tantra, sacred sex, the Kama Sutra, and the connection in eastern religions between sex and spirituality. This was fascinating to me as someone born in the US. (puritan/Christian/sex-is-shameful society)"
Yes, I have some deep seeded sexuality issues. Which is why, when I was in a long term relatiosnhip - Well, any that lasted over a year - I lost all sex drive. This is likely to repeat itself in the long haul if I do not continue to grow in all areas. <sigh> Why did I have to wait so long to get any idea of all this stuff.
Yes, I have some deep seeded sexuality issues. Which is why, when I was in a long term relatiosnhip - Well, any that lasted over a year - I lost all sex drive. This is likely to repeat itself in the long haul if I do not continue to grow in all areas. <sigh> Why did I have to wait so long to get any idea of all this stuff.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Why did I have to wait so long to get any idea of all this stuff.
I feel I must say something eastern and mystical (as a up to confirmation catholic),
"when the student is ready the teacher will come."
how's that?
LOL
I found out later in life when I was studying the things LTD mentioned (after I got sober and I was open to it) that great sex/orgasms are great stress and pain relief.
I am here to testify to that.
Now, I am looking for the next student/teacher for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by wicked
Alizerin,
I feel I must say something eastern and mystical (as a up to confirmation catholic),
"when the student is ready the teacher will come."
how's that?
LOL
I found out later in life when I was studying the things LTD mentioned (after I got sober and I was open to it) that great sex/orgasms are great stress and pain relief.
I am here to testify to that.
Now, I am looking for the next student/teacher for me.
I feel I must say something eastern and mystical (as a up to confirmation catholic),
"when the student is ready the teacher will come."
how's that?
LOL
I found out later in life when I was studying the things LTD mentioned (after I got sober and I was open to it) that great sex/orgasms are great stress and pain relief.
I am here to testify to that.
Now, I am looking for the next student/teacher for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
What a fantastic discussion!!
Thank you LTD for adding mention of the connection this has to a well-rounded recovery.
When all these thoughts and dreams started building I kept trying to look around them and see my recovery path. I didn't connect them with being part of my recovery into a happy, healthy, and emotionally centered person.
I kept resisting this aspect of my self, because I thought it was only going to lead me towards needing XABF back in my life or towards finding a replacement for him, which I'm not interested in. I saw it as a reason why so many return to their EXs because they have needs that the EX can play upon. I admit there were certain moments where if XABF walked up and pushed those buttons, I would have given in, recovery be damned.
You all have really made this thread pivotal for me. This is all part of the whole me and it's the whole me I want to be in the future, nothing lacking, nothing left out, the whole hot shebang.
Thank you Joseph for participating. I appreciate your honesty whole heartedly. The last time XABF and I were intimate together he was in a moderation spell and yet he was still distant. I believed that if he was still distant without drinking heavily then it must have been me. I realize now that without healing his issues that led to the drinking, he would always be distant from me. Sad.
Again, thank you all!!
Alice
Thank you LTD for adding mention of the connection this has to a well-rounded recovery.
When all these thoughts and dreams started building I kept trying to look around them and see my recovery path. I didn't connect them with being part of my recovery into a happy, healthy, and emotionally centered person.
I kept resisting this aspect of my self, because I thought it was only going to lead me towards needing XABF back in my life or towards finding a replacement for him, which I'm not interested in. I saw it as a reason why so many return to their EXs because they have needs that the EX can play upon. I admit there were certain moments where if XABF walked up and pushed those buttons, I would have given in, recovery be damned.
You all have really made this thread pivotal for me. This is all part of the whole me and it's the whole me I want to be in the future, nothing lacking, nothing left out, the whole hot shebang.
Thank you Joseph for participating. I appreciate your honesty whole heartedly. The last time XABF and I were intimate together he was in a moderation spell and yet he was still distant. I believed that if he was still distant without drinking heavily then it must have been me. I realize now that without healing his issues that led to the drinking, he would always be distant from me. Sad.
Again, thank you all!!
Alice
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by BuffaloGal
His tastes ran more towards internet porn than the real thing. Combine that with my post-childbirth libido slump, and things were not lively for the majority of our relationship.
It was extremely difficult for me not to be absolutely self-conscious during intimacy with him, because of his constant viewing of pornography. I didn't measure up to them physically, who could? Without surgery? Bah. The last year we were together we didn't have sex at all. And for a couple of years before that I really felt like I was just pretending to keep the peace.
If it never comes back I'm perfectly fine with that.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Oh, Pelican! That is HYSTERICAL! :rotfxko
I once was in a relationship with a wonderful friend, but I wasn't interested, if you know what I mean.
I started a woman's group with my sister in which we talked about sex, body image, etc. One woman in there said, "I had a light bulb moment one day - I am never going to have sex again if I don't want to! No one can make me. It's my choice!"
Well, I just about fell over. I realized I had always had an expectation of myself. Everyone has sex. Men "need" it. It is just our duty, as women, to give that to them.
I had "given" a TON of sex that I didn't want to have in my past. YUCK. I didn't even know who I was. IF I liked sex or WHAT I liked. I had no idea and a ton of bad emotional junk from the past. I had wondered if I was frigid. I had blamed myself for being broken. I had forced myself to have sex anyway. I had gone away mentally to deal with it, etc. etc.
I thought, you mean I can just be done? WOOHOO!
I went home to my bf and said, "I'm never going to have sex again if I don't want to...and I don't want to."
He, amazingly, accepted.
We were together another year.
I did a lot of work and processed a lot of things in that time.
Eventually, we started up again (slowly).
When uncomfortable feelings came up (from the past), we would stop and process (BLESS HIS HEART AND SOUL!).
One day, it hit me.
It's not that I don't want to have sex.
I don't want to have sex WITH HIM.
He was a wonderful friend...and should have stayed that way.
So, I broke up (3 years overdue!) and found someone that was a good friend and a good lover.
Moral of the story? The bedroom is just one more place for us to listen and trust OURSELVES.
Sex can be SO FUN! Giggly and passionate and tender and dramatic and playful and comfortable and pleasurable. Satisfying. Easy. Wonderful. Surprising.
Embrace the charge you get from your (newly discovered) naughty mind!
WOOHOO!
I once was in a relationship with a wonderful friend, but I wasn't interested, if you know what I mean.
I started a woman's group with my sister in which we talked about sex, body image, etc. One woman in there said, "I had a light bulb moment one day - I am never going to have sex again if I don't want to! No one can make me. It's my choice!"
Well, I just about fell over. I realized I had always had an expectation of myself. Everyone has sex. Men "need" it. It is just our duty, as women, to give that to them.
I had "given" a TON of sex that I didn't want to have in my past. YUCK. I didn't even know who I was. IF I liked sex or WHAT I liked. I had no idea and a ton of bad emotional junk from the past. I had wondered if I was frigid. I had blamed myself for being broken. I had forced myself to have sex anyway. I had gone away mentally to deal with it, etc. etc.
I thought, you mean I can just be done? WOOHOO!
I went home to my bf and said, "I'm never going to have sex again if I don't want to...and I don't want to."
He, amazingly, accepted.
We were together another year.
I did a lot of work and processed a lot of things in that time.
Eventually, we started up again (slowly).
When uncomfortable feelings came up (from the past), we would stop and process (BLESS HIS HEART AND SOUL!).
One day, it hit me.
It's not that I don't want to have sex.
I don't want to have sex WITH HIM.
He was a wonderful friend...and should have stayed that way.
So, I broke up (3 years overdue!) and found someone that was a good friend and a good lover.
Moral of the story? The bedroom is just one more place for us to listen and trust OURSELVES.
Sex can be SO FUN! Giggly and passionate and tender and dramatic and playful and comfortable and pleasurable. Satisfying. Easy. Wonderful. Surprising.
Embrace the charge you get from your (newly discovered) naughty mind!
WOOHOO!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It was (and still is) the WHOLE me that desperately needed healing. And it wasn't just mechanical. I read about tantra, sacred sex, the Kama Sutra, and the connection in eastern religions between sex and spirituality. This was fascinating to me as someone born in the US. (puritan/Christian/sex-is-shameful society)
I have developed a deep reverence for my body and the sexual energy it is capable of. And although part of my journey was to have a 'steamy fling,' I do not see that behavior as something I would want to repeat. Just another lesson along this road, I suppose.
L
I have developed a deep reverence for my body and the sexual energy it is capable of. And although part of my journey was to have a 'steamy fling,' I do not see that behavior as something I would want to repeat. Just another lesson along this road, I suppose.
L
I had to remove my inhibitions/restrictions that society had given me and that I had accepted as truth. It is part of my recovery and discovery of myself.
One of my favorite movies is: "Kinsey: Let's talk about Sex"
It was enlightening.
As a parent, I have the Kinsey Institutes Manual for Sex. I have shared it with my children as they reached puberty. I did not want their only information about sex to come from peers and experimentation. They know where the book is kept and are free to inform themselves as needed. Knowlege is power.
(And I was shocked to not get all the answers right on the sex test. I was an adult with three children and I failed the sex test!)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I would strongly recommend Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom. That ROCKED my world re. body image and sexuality. I've probably given away 10 copies.
Amazon.com: Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (9780553384109): Christiane Northrup: Books
Amazon.com: Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (9780553384109): Christiane Northrup: Books
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
I would strongly recommend Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom. That ROCKED my world re. body image and sexuality. I've probably given away 10 copies.
Amazon.com: Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (9780553384109): Christiane Northrup: Books
Amazon.com: Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing (9780553384109): Christiane Northrup: Books
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Originally Posted by Joseph1
Sad that there doesn't seem to be something like this for men.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Are you serious? Google "male sexuality" and you get 1.8 million hits! All the things I mentioned in my earlier post apply to men and women. (i.e. tantra, Kama Sutra, sacred sex, etc.) If you can't find anything about men, you're just not trying.
L
L
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Originally Posted by Joseph1
HaHaHa! Exactly. 1.8 million yet how does one know which one would help men who've never learned how to understand where they are today sexually and why. I've actually read quite a bit about tantra but was looking more specifically for one that would help me understand why I have the feelings I have.
L
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Originally Posted by Joseph1
Therapy, yes. I just enjoy reading and thought it would be good to add to my routine.
Have you asked your therapist to recommend something?
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
You do realize you are asking for a book recommendation on male sexuality in a thread that is mostly female codependents, yes?
Have you asked your therapist to recommend something?
L
Have you asked your therapist to recommend something?
L
I haven't but I will. Sorry for the confusion.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Joseph,
I hear you! I do! With all that sexuality on google, it doesn't mean it's healthy!
There are very few places where men can go to read about/talk about how this patriarchal culture hurts men's sexuality or how to have a healthy male sexuality in the face of this culture!
I would recommend therapy - therapists often "get" it more than other guys.
((joseph)) thanks for participating in a commitment to healthy sexuality for men! YAY!
I hear you! I do! With all that sexuality on google, it doesn't mean it's healthy!
There are very few places where men can go to read about/talk about how this patriarchal culture hurts men's sexuality or how to have a healthy male sexuality in the face of this culture!
I would recommend therapy - therapists often "get" it more than other guys.
((joseph)) thanks for participating in a commitment to healthy sexuality for men! YAY!
Last edited by GiveLove; 03-16-2010 at 12:15 PM.
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