Wife driving kids
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Wife driving kids
Thanks to Barb for the PM regarding this topic that I commented on last Friday. I was responding to a poster who said that her husband had picked up the kids drunk one day. I know that my wife has done this before. Easy to say hard to prove. I have at the very least had friends tell me that they saw her out with the kids and were worried about her. My answer to that was to take her car and put an interlock device on it. She was ok with this for about 6 months and then a couple of weeks ago I noticed that she was acting/talking weird on the phone to me and she was in her car? When I got home I looked in her car and she had the device removed! When I asked her about it, she said that it was draining the battery and that her car had died several times and she was worried about being stranded with the kids. Very clever, but a quick internet search revealed little correlation. Also, she is not under court order, so she was free to remove it.
While the interlock did not prevent her from drinking, it did prevent her from getting in a car and driving by herself or with the kids.
She is going on a trip with her parents for a few days, so I figure I will go down and have it put on again. I know that she can remove it again, but it does provide peace of mind if she will leave it on.
Short of this, my next thought is to call the police on her. Hard part is knowing when it is going on and knowing where she is. If I am the one calling the police is there repercussions of me being at fault. Can it be held against me?
Obviously, this kind of behavior cannot be tolerated, I just need to figure out how best to handle. A felony DUI is probably exactly what she needs, but that also means our kids are in danger one more time.
Should I talk to the teachers in carpool and let them know?
So many questions, but only answer is the behavior must be stopped. Thanks to all, I have learned a lot from this forum and am glad to have found it.
While the interlock did not prevent her from drinking, it did prevent her from getting in a car and driving by herself or with the kids.
She is going on a trip with her parents for a few days, so I figure I will go down and have it put on again. I know that she can remove it again, but it does provide peace of mind if she will leave it on.
Short of this, my next thought is to call the police on her. Hard part is knowing when it is going on and knowing where she is. If I am the one calling the police is there repercussions of me being at fault. Can it be held against me?
Obviously, this kind of behavior cannot be tolerated, I just need to figure out how best to handle. A felony DUI is probably exactly what she needs, but that also means our kids are in danger one more time.
Should I talk to the teachers in carpool and let them know?
So many questions, but only answer is the behavior must be stopped. Thanks to all, I have learned a lot from this forum and am glad to have found it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
The MOST important thing is to make sure your children are safe. If that means making other arrangements to have them picked up from school, etc., then so be it. Yes, I would recommend you talk to teachers, friends, or anyone else you can think of who would help get your children to and from where they need to be.
You can deal with your wife about her drinking and so forth, however you think best, but please, do not allow your children be used while doing it.
You can deal with your wife about her drinking and so forth, however you think best, but please, do not allow your children be used while doing it.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I know it is easier said than done when it comes to trying to set restrictions on an acoholic's activities. You are right, that you cannot control if she drinks, and with the device on her car being removeable, you clearly can't curtail her driving while under the influence either, but you can control if your children get in the car with her.
BUT, if that is not something you cannot do for lack of court order or such, would you consider a GPS locator on one of your children?? (They come as cute watches, keyfobs etc.)
If you then suspected her of driving while intoxicated when you spoke with her on the phone while she was out with them, you could track them online in real time (depending on the device) and at least stand a chance of getting the cops there to pull her over and you there to pick up the children.
Once the proven precedent is set with police that she does in fact drive with the children in the car while drunk, you will have firm grounds on which to stop her from having the kids in the car with her at all.
Stay strong and keep the focus on protecting you and your children.
Best to you!
Alice
BUT, if that is not something you cannot do for lack of court order or such, would you consider a GPS locator on one of your children?? (They come as cute watches, keyfobs etc.)
If you then suspected her of driving while intoxicated when you spoke with her on the phone while she was out with them, you could track them online in real time (depending on the device) and at least stand a chance of getting the cops there to pull her over and you there to pick up the children.
Once the proven precedent is set with police that she does in fact drive with the children in the car while drunk, you will have firm grounds on which to stop her from having the kids in the car with her at all.
Stay strong and keep the focus on protecting you and your children.
Best to you!
Alice
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I started picking my kids up and/or paid for public transportation.
I tried never to let them go with him and did most all of the driving for things. Not easy. I wish I would have said something to him and called the cops.
I did that just last week, and I will call too, but I should have said it long ago. That is how staying in an alcoholic relationship is just so crazy and sick. I didn't even admit he was an alcoholic for such a long time...so why would I call the cops on my own husband? Who does that to their partner/family? Why would I be married to a man that drove my kids around after drinking? I did not take action A (confronting him on the drinking and driving and calling the cops) because it would have cascaded into ....xyz........ which I wanted to continue to deny, so I stuck my head in the sand instead. So then I am living with a rock in my gut because, somewhere deep down, I knew I made a terrible concession, yet a person's mind does all kinds of gymnastics to avoid thinking about it or addressing it. There are many little concessions and that is how we get from point A (normal) to point B (crazy land). One tiny concession at a time.
I tried never to let them go with him and did most all of the driving for things. Not easy. I wish I would have said something to him and called the cops.
I did that just last week, and I will call too, but I should have said it long ago. That is how staying in an alcoholic relationship is just so crazy and sick. I didn't even admit he was an alcoholic for such a long time...so why would I call the cops on my own husband? Who does that to their partner/family? Why would I be married to a man that drove my kids around after drinking? I did not take action A (confronting him on the drinking and driving and calling the cops) because it would have cascaded into ....xyz........ which I wanted to continue to deny, so I stuck my head in the sand instead. So then I am living with a rock in my gut because, somewhere deep down, I knew I made a terrible concession, yet a person's mind does all kinds of gymnastics to avoid thinking about it or addressing it. There are many little concessions and that is how we get from point A (normal) to point B (crazy land). One tiny concession at a time.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
This was one of the first boundaries I had to put in place with my AH. No driving the kids. PERIOD. He faught me at first about it. But everytime he asked why, I simply said "you know why". Even if he wasn't drunk in that moment, it only takes a quick stop at the gas station.
You have to be firm on this and stay stong. If you give them an inch they'll take a mile. Absolutely no driving the kids.
Does it make things harder for you? YES. Does it keep your kids safe? YES
It is not your children's job to decided if mommy has had too many or not. It is your job as the sober parent to protect them.
I try to look at it like this, would you leave your kids with a drunk babysitter? or give said drunk babysitter the keys to your car?
My kids know, they are not to drive with daddy. It isn't really an issue anymore because he is not alone with them (since our seperation 15 months ago).
If she fights you on it, I would just simply reply, "I've let it go too many times in the past. I would never forgive myself if something happened to the kids."
She will most likely say well, I won't do it any more...etc.. then I would reply, "Your past behavior is a good indicator of you future behavior, I cannot let it happen".
I know this is a tough one. It is not easy to be the sole driver. Trust me your kids are worth it
You have to be firm on this and stay stong. If you give them an inch they'll take a mile. Absolutely no driving the kids.
Does it make things harder for you? YES. Does it keep your kids safe? YES
It is not your children's job to decided if mommy has had too many or not. It is your job as the sober parent to protect them.
I try to look at it like this, would you leave your kids with a drunk babysitter? or give said drunk babysitter the keys to your car?
My kids know, they are not to drive with daddy. It isn't really an issue anymore because he is not alone with them (since our seperation 15 months ago).
If she fights you on it, I would just simply reply, "I've let it go too many times in the past. I would never forgive myself if something happened to the kids."
She will most likely say well, I won't do it any more...etc.. then I would reply, "Your past behavior is a good indicator of you future behavior, I cannot let it happen".
I know this is a tough one. It is not easy to be the sole driver. Trust me your kids are worth it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Thanks for all the advice. I have had the conversation with her many times regarding driving the kids after drinking. Of course the answer is always I have not been drinking even when obvious. I am going to go the interlock route again because my work is about 45 minutes from our house and the kids (5 year old twins) school. They get out at 2:00 so if that does not work will have to arrange for other transportation.
Really like the advice on the GPS. Had thought about putting this on her car, but not sure the legality of that either. I have a discussion scheduled with an attorney to see what I can and cannot do. Putting it on the child is a great idea and I will look into that.
Can't believe that I am even typing this! This disease is unbelievable.
Really like the advice on the GPS. Had thought about putting this on her car, but not sure the legality of that either. I have a discussion scheduled with an attorney to see what I can and cannot do. Putting it on the child is a great idea and I will look into that.
Can't believe that I am even typing this! This disease is unbelievable.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Sting, This is just something to think about, but someone I know had the interlock device on their car (court ordered). And every day his wife would go blow in it so he could start the car to go to work.
It isn't fool proof.
Even if she is sober when she starts the car, it doesn't mean that she won't be drinking in the car.
It isn't fool proof.
Even if she is sober when she starts the car, it doesn't mean that she won't be drinking in the car.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 35
Sting - I completely understand your situation. Please take whatever steps you need to take to protect your children. It is my experience that there are zero boundaries once they have gotten into the car with the children. Your wife's disease prevents her from making good decisions. You also need to start documenting the incidents. I would also get friendly with the police. Talk to a local officer about the situation. You may get a quicker response if you call to report your wife's drunk driving. There is no doubt that your children are old enough to be scared when their Mom is driving under the influence.
I am divorcing my AW after 3 years of the most outrageous behavior - many incidents of driving with the children. She finally went to jail in Feb 2008 after getting in a car accident with all four children in the car - a Saturday afternoon on her way to the circus. She blew a 0.33. After 12 months of sobriety, she came home in Feb 2009, and she started drinking and driving again in October. I've had sole custody of the children since the car accident, but she is going to fight me for custody - there's no DWI this time, so she feels that she'll take her chances with her word against mine. I'm going to destroy her in court - in the most lovingly detached manner!!!
I will pray for you, your children and your wife. If you're like me, you will spend a lot of time wondering how a "good" Mom can do these things. Don't torture yourself - the disease is devastating and driving with the children drunk is no "big deal" to them.
I am divorcing my AW after 3 years of the most outrageous behavior - many incidents of driving with the children. She finally went to jail in Feb 2008 after getting in a car accident with all four children in the car - a Saturday afternoon on her way to the circus. She blew a 0.33. After 12 months of sobriety, she came home in Feb 2009, and she started drinking and driving again in October. I've had sole custody of the children since the car accident, but she is going to fight me for custody - there's no DWI this time, so she feels that she'll take her chances with her word against mine. I'm going to destroy her in court - in the most lovingly detached manner!!!
I will pray for you, your children and your wife. If you're like me, you will spend a lot of time wondering how a "good" Mom can do these things. Don't torture yourself - the disease is devastating and driving with the children drunk is no "big deal" to them.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I think I was answering this one when the lights went out.
I like the idea of putting anyone else in the sentence and reading it.
Like "anyone else' driving in thecar with teh kids ... bla bla bla.
i think there's been some really good advice here.
I like the idea of putting anyone else in the sentence and reading it.
Like "anyone else' driving in thecar with teh kids ... bla bla bla.
i think there's been some really good advice here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by ChildrenB4AW 
Sting - I completely understand your situation. Please take whatever steps you need to take to protect your children. It is my experience that there are zero boundaries once they have gotten into the car with the children. Your wife's disease prevents her from making good decisions. You also need to start documenting the incidents. I would also get friendly with the police. Talk to a local officer about the situation. You may get a quicker response if you call to report your wife's drunk driving. There is no doubt that your children are old enough to be scared when their Mom is driving under the influence.
I am divorcing my AW after 3 years of the most outrageous behavior - many incidents of driving with the children. She finally went to jail in Feb 2008 after getting in a car accident with all four children in the car - a Saturday afternoon on her way to the circus. She blew a 0.33. After 12 months of sobriety, she came home in Feb 2009, and she started drinking and driving again in October. I've had sole custody of the children since the car accident, but she is going to fight me for custody - there's no DWI this time, so she feels that she'll take her chances with her word against mine. I'm going to destroy her in court - in the most lovingly detached manner!!!
I will pray for you, your children and your wife. If you're like me, you will spend a lot of time wondering how a "good" Mom can do these things. Don't torture yourself - the disease is devastating and driving with the children drunk is no "big deal" to them.
I am divorcing my AW after 3 years of the most outrageous behavior - many incidents of driving with the children. She finally went to jail in Feb 2008 after getting in a car accident with all four children in the car - a Saturday afternoon on her way to the circus. She blew a 0.33. After 12 months of sobriety, she came home in Feb 2009, and she started drinking and driving again in October. I've had sole custody of the children since the car accident, but she is going to fight me for custody - there's no DWI this time, so she feels that she'll take her chances with her word against mine. I'm going to destroy her in court - in the most lovingly detached manner!!!
I will pray for you, your children and your wife. If you're like me, you will spend a lot of time wondering how a "good" Mom can do these things. Don't torture yourself - the disease is devastating and driving with the children drunk is no "big deal" to them.
Best of luck in your custody case. Let's hope the courts have some common sense!
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Duped,
Yes. It goes state by state. Here in Maryland I found I could do that by googling "Sate of Maryland Judicial Case Search" Got it right online free of course. Let me soon to be ex know I'd be checking it - Often, since he had 3 prior DUI's before I met him.
By the way, Glad you're here. You bring reality and truth to the table. At least in letting me see how many men I've "duped" before marrying who I married at least.
Yes. It goes state by state. Here in Maryland I found I could do that by googling "Sate of Maryland Judicial Case Search" Got it right online free of course. Let me soon to be ex know I'd be checking it - Often, since he had 3 prior DUI's before I met him.
By the way, Glad you're here. You bring reality and truth to the table. At least in letting me see how many men I've "duped" before marrying who I married at least.
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