This is a doozie... HELP
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
This is a doozie... HELP
This is all different to me. I never thought for one second that I would be dealing with this type of rollercoaster, and finding it harder to get off then with the axbf.
It's my cousin. We had lost touch over the years because of my abusive xhb and her abusive xhb. We had both been married for over 20 years but out SO would not let us have contact with any family. (sick, yeah I know.. NOW).
My cousin and I were raised like sisters. We are the same age, 2 months apart. We started talking again about a month ago, and I knew from stories I had heard in the family that at one point she had a drug and alcohol problem. No big deal to me, she was recovered... right?! WRONG.. she is an alcoholic.
I have stood my ground, as she asked me if she can live with me and I said flat out, I am allergic to alcoholics, go to rehab.
The issue isn't so much her drinking (wow, eh!), as it is the deep wounds she is ripping open. (I am allowing her to..) We were both tortured (I really can't put here what was done, but.. torture is a weak word) as children, and as adults (no doubt, that is why I am here!!!). I don't have much memory of what went on, she seems to have all the memory. I can't and won't live on her memory and have told her many times that I can't recall. She said, how is it that all the things (I have to call it things, as I can't comprehend how I am able to be literate, let alone alive) that I have endured, why and how am I so strong and she is so weak. How in pain she is because of what I went through. I just say that God has a plan for me.. and for her and we need to not look back. I told her it is none of her business what I went through, just be glad she escaped some of it and leave me to worry about and deal with my issues.
She doesn't always call drunk, just sometimes. When she does call, drunk or not she expresses how she has missed me, how I am the love of her life (in a sister sense) and how her heart has been broken without me to be there for her, and why did I abandon her when her Mom died. Gosh, I don't know.. I don't even remember my favorite Aunt in the world, dying. I had to wash all of that away in my head to be here today.
Again, I always express how sorry I am that things happened but the best road to take is the high road and leave that mess behind us.
Now that I have been talking to her, I have been having memories. I don't NEED this in my life, and some things are better left alone. I am crying quite a bit and reliving things that no one should have to, or even had to experience.
Detach? With love? How, when she is so like a child. I can't save her, I didn't cause ANY of this, and my life is pretty damn good at this point. I have expressed to her that neither her or I caused any of this, we were CHILDREN and the adults were the BAD ones, and today we can know this and go forward. She wants me to show her. I love her, but I am about to jump ship because I can't handle being the Captain of a sinking ship.
How can I honestly say I can ever give unconditional love to another if I have to jump ship every time something is so uncomfortable?
I am in prayer, but I really am at a loss.
What if the shoe was on the other foot?
It's my cousin. We had lost touch over the years because of my abusive xhb and her abusive xhb. We had both been married for over 20 years but out SO would not let us have contact with any family. (sick, yeah I know.. NOW).
My cousin and I were raised like sisters. We are the same age, 2 months apart. We started talking again about a month ago, and I knew from stories I had heard in the family that at one point she had a drug and alcohol problem. No big deal to me, she was recovered... right?! WRONG.. she is an alcoholic.
I have stood my ground, as she asked me if she can live with me and I said flat out, I am allergic to alcoholics, go to rehab.
The issue isn't so much her drinking (wow, eh!), as it is the deep wounds she is ripping open. (I am allowing her to..) We were both tortured (I really can't put here what was done, but.. torture is a weak word) as children, and as adults (no doubt, that is why I am here!!!). I don't have much memory of what went on, she seems to have all the memory. I can't and won't live on her memory and have told her many times that I can't recall. She said, how is it that all the things (I have to call it things, as I can't comprehend how I am able to be literate, let alone alive) that I have endured, why and how am I so strong and she is so weak. How in pain she is because of what I went through. I just say that God has a plan for me.. and for her and we need to not look back. I told her it is none of her business what I went through, just be glad she escaped some of it and leave me to worry about and deal with my issues.
She doesn't always call drunk, just sometimes. When she does call, drunk or not she expresses how she has missed me, how I am the love of her life (in a sister sense) and how her heart has been broken without me to be there for her, and why did I abandon her when her Mom died. Gosh, I don't know.. I don't even remember my favorite Aunt in the world, dying. I had to wash all of that away in my head to be here today.
Again, I always express how sorry I am that things happened but the best road to take is the high road and leave that mess behind us.
Now that I have been talking to her, I have been having memories. I don't NEED this in my life, and some things are better left alone. I am crying quite a bit and reliving things that no one should have to, or even had to experience.
Detach? With love? How, when she is so like a child. I can't save her, I didn't cause ANY of this, and my life is pretty damn good at this point. I have expressed to her that neither her or I caused any of this, we were CHILDREN and the adults were the BAD ones, and today we can know this and go forward. She wants me to show her. I love her, but I am about to jump ship because I can't handle being the Captain of a sinking ship.
How can I honestly say I can ever give unconditional love to another if I have to jump ship every time something is so uncomfortable?
I am in prayer, but I really am at a loss.
What if the shoe was on the other foot?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Freebird, if the shoe were on the other foot, it would be your responsibility to get help for yourself, just as you have done. She does not appear to want to do this. She wants to relive, complain, and most of all, keep drowning her sorrow in chemicals. In what way is this good for you?
This relationship appears to be damaging your serenity, and your serenity is your strength.
You seem to think you need to save her. At the same time, you know you can't, right? She needs therapy, AA, rehab, all of the things you can't provide.
You didn't cause this.
You cannot control it.
You will not cure her.
All you can do is protect yourself, and I'd start taking this very seriously.
This is a good start. Slowly putting some other boundaries in place to protect yourself would help you to regain your balance.
Unconditional love starts with YOU. You start with yourself - do you love yourself unconditionally? Do you care for yourself tenderly, like you would care for the child you once were? Are you willing to do what it takes to love yourself first? When you have re-established your boundaries, you will be in a much better mental position to decide what you can and cannot do in terms of contact with this cousin.
Have you considered joining Alizerin's Codependent No More study? There are some terrific conversations that take place there.
Hugs,
GL
This relationship appears to be damaging your serenity, and your serenity is your strength.
You seem to think you need to save her. At the same time, you know you can't, right? She needs therapy, AA, rehab, all of the things you can't provide.
You didn't cause this.
You cannot control it.
You will not cure her.
All you can do is protect yourself, and I'd start taking this very seriously.
I have stood my ground, as she asked me if she can live with me and I said flat out, I am allergic to alcoholics, go to rehab.
Unconditional love starts with YOU. You start with yourself - do you love yourself unconditionally? Do you care for yourself tenderly, like you would care for the child you once were? Are you willing to do what it takes to love yourself first? When you have re-established your boundaries, you will be in a much better mental position to decide what you can and cannot do in terms of contact with this cousin.
Have you considered joining Alizerin's Codependent No More study? There are some terrific conversations that take place there.
Hugs,
GL
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
GiveLove, I always appreciate and respect your views and opinions.
I can't do anything for her, but she can do something TO me... drag me in her hole with her. I know that isn't her intentions, but that is exactly what is happening. When I have spent the majority of today crying over why didn't my Mommy help me.. things I already dealt with and put away... I can see that this is wrecking my peace. I can't have that, I don't care WHO it is, I can't allow this to take all the precious work I have done on my inner child and let someone who wants to live, or.. not so much WANTS to, but can't seem to get off the cycle, ruin what I have done for myself. (I am responsible to putting a stop to this..and stop having such a bleeding heart).
You are right, I need to take care of that child inside of me who is obviously still in very much pain, and talk to me as if I would my own child, my own grandchild. Maybe I do need to tend to that inner child more then I do... and... have fun.. and love the inner child, and the adult that I am.
Face it, forgive it, and forget it.
There is that part of me who longs for that child that both her and I were, and to go back and make it all stop then.. but that is nonsense. I can only do what I can do for me.. TODAY.. the trials that I have endured has made me the wonderful woman that I am today and I can't and will not let another human being, or the ghost from the past convince me otherwise.
I will get into that program on here.. I need more....
Thank you... again....
I can't do anything for her, but she can do something TO me... drag me in her hole with her. I know that isn't her intentions, but that is exactly what is happening. When I have spent the majority of today crying over why didn't my Mommy help me.. things I already dealt with and put away... I can see that this is wrecking my peace. I can't have that, I don't care WHO it is, I can't allow this to take all the precious work I have done on my inner child and let someone who wants to live, or.. not so much WANTS to, but can't seem to get off the cycle, ruin what I have done for myself. (I am responsible to putting a stop to this..and stop having such a bleeding heart).
You are right, I need to take care of that child inside of me who is obviously still in very much pain, and talk to me as if I would my own child, my own grandchild. Maybe I do need to tend to that inner child more then I do... and... have fun.. and love the inner child, and the adult that I am.
Face it, forgive it, and forget it.
There is that part of me who longs for that child that both her and I were, and to go back and make it all stop then.. but that is nonsense. I can only do what I can do for me.. TODAY.. the trials that I have endured has made me the wonderful woman that I am today and I can't and will not let another human being, or the ghost from the past convince me otherwise.
I will get into that program on here.. I need more....
Thank you... again....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Freebird, I have so much respect for what you've come through, and I apologize if my tone was a little gruff but.....I don't like that anyone is dragging you back there.
You know you have a choice -- I know you know. You had to go NC for a while with your XABF for the same reason, because every time you allowed contact he pulled you back into the blackness.
You can't save him, and you can't save your cousin. You can only save yourself.
Let yourself off the hook here. Treat yourself with love. Think about some boundaries you can set that might allow you to feel the GOOD things about the family connection without being sucked back down into suffering.
Some thoughts: You can set boundaries around when and how you are contacted (never drunk, for example). You can set boundaries around what you're willing/able to talk about. I get a sneaking suspicion that she may not honor them, but you can at least try so you know you tried. You are a kind, loving person and I understand your dilemma here..........but you need to "carry your heart like a newborn child" right now.
CatsPajamas has a wonderful signature line that says this: "Scars remind us where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we are going."
You have scars from your childhood that you can't go back and do anything about, but they are not in charge of the happiness you're on your way to. It seems the inclusion of this person in your life is bringing up a lot of poison that is getting in the way of joy?
Have you ever talked to a counselor about these childhood memories, to gently learn ways to cope with them in a safe, professional setting?
Worried about you!
You know you have a choice -- I know you know. You had to go NC for a while with your XABF for the same reason, because every time you allowed contact he pulled you back into the blackness.
You can't save him, and you can't save your cousin. You can only save yourself.
Let yourself off the hook here. Treat yourself with love. Think about some boundaries you can set that might allow you to feel the GOOD things about the family connection without being sucked back down into suffering.
Some thoughts: You can set boundaries around when and how you are contacted (never drunk, for example). You can set boundaries around what you're willing/able to talk about. I get a sneaking suspicion that she may not honor them, but you can at least try so you know you tried. You are a kind, loving person and I understand your dilemma here..........but you need to "carry your heart like a newborn child" right now.
CatsPajamas has a wonderful signature line that says this: "Scars remind us where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we are going."
You have scars from your childhood that you can't go back and do anything about, but they are not in charge of the happiness you're on your way to. It seems the inclusion of this person in your life is bringing up a lot of poison that is getting in the way of joy?
Have you ever talked to a counselor about these childhood memories, to gently learn ways to cope with them in a safe, professional setting?
Worried about you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I agree with setting boundaries and that you can't help or save your cousin, but I would also do a little soul searching and figure out whether you're trying to run from issues that need to be dealt with. I remember having the same attitude of "it's in the past, I'm over it" throughout my whole life pretty much. But things kept happening that rehashed my childhood trauma over and over again. It has occurred to me lately that the universe wants me to heal and keeps giving me the chance over and over again to do so. I was sort of dealing with my past in a way that was like trying to hold a beach ball under water.
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
GiveLove, thank you for your loving kindness. I too am angry for allowing myself to slip backwards. I did go NC with the xabf, and it is still on.. 3 or more months now, I stopped counting with him. I went NC with my brother who was being manipulative and putting down any effort I had, that was a year ago this month. It is time to shut yet another door that the devil is trying to open up to keep me fixated on what went wrong, instead of what went right.
I just got back from a 4.5 mile walk. I read as I walk and was reading, You are Born an original, don't die a copy. Very focused, spiritual, and empowering.
I haven't come this far to let it slip away. My intentions for healing, just like not smoking (which I haven't smoked now for 7 months!!) is to not go back to my old ways, my old set of standards. I have basically 'cleaned' my life of negative people and brought in new ones who focus on healing, peace, and harmony with faith backing each focus.
I happen to come from a very dysfunctional family. My cousin wants me to remember something I seen, something that sent me into shock (so she says) I don't need to remember as it will serve no purpose.
This reminds me that just because I don't get my 'own way' with something, does not mean it is a BAD thing. I remember that I was kept away from a certain person for my whole life, and I loved him more then I loved all of them put together..... today I still call him my hero (he is dead) and I find out I was kept from him because he hurt the 'others'. I did tell my cousin, as I have other family members that I do not need to know what this person did, or did not do for my memory serves up that he was/is my hero. Is it wrong that a monster was my hero? I didn't create him, I didn't help him be a monster to the 'others', so why can't I just let him be who he is in my mind. I can't bring back yesterday for any of them..
Wanting, I try not to run from anything any more. I have dealt with things that happened TO ME as much as is needed. If I over analyze everything I won't have time for the good stuff in life. It's just when someone from my past reminds me of where I have been, do I even understand a little bit about where I am at now. It did, and does serve some purpose I suppose. It serves me saying..
THANK GOD for changes and the ability to overcome. I am BLESSED!
A good long walk, and wonderful people like people on SR is what was needed. I bounce back quickly, it's a new trait for me.
I just got back from a 4.5 mile walk. I read as I walk and was reading, You are Born an original, don't die a copy. Very focused, spiritual, and empowering.
I haven't come this far to let it slip away. My intentions for healing, just like not smoking (which I haven't smoked now for 7 months!!) is to not go back to my old ways, my old set of standards. I have basically 'cleaned' my life of negative people and brought in new ones who focus on healing, peace, and harmony with faith backing each focus.
I happen to come from a very dysfunctional family. My cousin wants me to remember something I seen, something that sent me into shock (so she says) I don't need to remember as it will serve no purpose.
This reminds me that just because I don't get my 'own way' with something, does not mean it is a BAD thing. I remember that I was kept away from a certain person for my whole life, and I loved him more then I loved all of them put together..... today I still call him my hero (he is dead) and I find out I was kept from him because he hurt the 'others'. I did tell my cousin, as I have other family members that I do not need to know what this person did, or did not do for my memory serves up that he was/is my hero. Is it wrong that a monster was my hero? I didn't create him, I didn't help him be a monster to the 'others', so why can't I just let him be who he is in my mind. I can't bring back yesterday for any of them..
Wanting, I try not to run from anything any more. I have dealt with things that happened TO ME as much as is needed. If I over analyze everything I won't have time for the good stuff in life. It's just when someone from my past reminds me of where I have been, do I even understand a little bit about where I am at now. It did, and does serve some purpose I suppose. It serves me saying..
THANK GOD for changes and the ability to overcome. I am BLESSED!
A good long walk, and wonderful people like people on SR is what was needed. I bounce back quickly, it's a new trait for me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How can I honestly say I can ever give unconditional love to another if I have to jump ship every time something is so uncomfortable?
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