freefalling

So my STBXAH husband returned from his holiday after I served him with the papers to try and get him off as a trustee of the business -long story.

Heard from the family that he booked himself(?) into a rehab after the holiday. This is the 4th time into that specific 5 star rehab.(MY divorce money) My problem is this - I am triggered by the fact that the OW stays 5 minutes away from this rehab. He met her in that specific rehab 2 years ago. If I hear the name of that place and the OW I STILL go into obsession mode. This time around I go about things differently - I will not answer any calls from the rehab, I will not go to family days , I will not go into any family session , I will not write any letters . These are all for HIM and not for ME.

Why do I still obsess over OW if this is 14th rehab attempt? We cannot conclude the divorce , because he is too drunk always. Anybody else with this problem?

Jadmack25

Is that true? You are stymied by him being drunk, and he can keep the divorce at bay by staying drunk? Unbelievable!!!

I really am too flustered to think of anything to say, except how sorry I am that you are stuck in this mess and that you are in my prayers.

God bless

Pelican

Hmmm,

Did you happen to read Wanting's post that contains a story that happened in South Africa? It is about changing your perspective.

Here is the link:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-comeback.html


(((freefalling)))

coffeedrinker

I should think that you can move forward with a divorce, even if he's constantly loaded.

Although, now that he's in rehab, he's not constantly drunk, right? Serve him the papers while there??

I don't know what to say about this stuff triggering you in obsession and pain. I guess...are you in therapy?

transformyself

Oh yeah. I'd venture to say THIS is why you can't move forward with the divorce. I could be wrong, but for me, triggering about OW kept me attached to AH long after I had decided to leave him. In fact, I had decided to leave him once and for all when he started his affair, and that in and of itself had kept me tied to him for 18 months.

When you can
recognize that you're triggered and obsessing
take action to de-escalate the trigger and
keep yourself in the present moment, in your body

you can start healing and move on with you life.

Let me find an amazing thing someone said on one of my threads and post it here. I cheered out loud when I read it.

transformyself

Here it is. This is from Duped

freefalling

yep -My reaction about OW must have given him a huge power trip!

Filed for divorce Aug 2009 -no settlement offer from him as of yet! Legal stuff. His business (alter ego) in a trust. We the only trustees. Trying to kick him off as trustee. Trial date 23 March - will keep you up to date.

wanting

For me, any obsession I get seems to really be a way to get the focus off of myself and dealing with my life. Obsession with the OW is really dangerous because it causes you to make decisions based on fear and not based on what's really good for you. I didn't kick AH out for a long time because I was afraid he'd go back to her. After he finally broke it off with her, I started sleeping with him and the main reason I couldn't stop was because I feared he'd go back to her if I did. These weren't conscious thoughts, mind you. It took me a while to figure out what was going on with myself.

freefalling

I can see now that he "tried to get me back" and get back at me after I asked for a sparation - by scaring me with this woman. So true you guys. I can never go back to a man that treats me like that . Never! That is why I "still go there" .I could maybe wait for sobriety - he has been sober for the middle seven years of our 21 year marriage , but I felt that the other woman made it impossible to even contemplate it.

I am still cross with myself maybe? Punishing myself maybe? For asking for a separation that sent him to OW ? I think I am" getting it"....

MeHandle

I think I mentioned this here once before. This membership could right a book on trying to divorce an alcoholic. It would be one of those books the was funny, but not funny, all at the same time.

transformyself

Yep. My story exactly.

jewell614

AMEN TO THAT!!! I made absolutely horrible and stupid decisions because of the other woman. She wan an enabler, and she put up with the BS that I wouldn't deal with.

I suffered long enough. Now I'll let her suffer.