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-   -   I did it .... (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/196730-i-did.html)

atdawn 03-13-2010 09:04 PM

I did it ....
 
He was drinking when I met him – but so were many people around him and me – we were students. And he was always very nice to me.

I got progressively more worried about his drinking. The relationship got more serious, and I said one day I did not want the father of my children to be an alcoholic.

He went through times of drinking, and through dry times. We bought a house together.

He proposed to me, saying he would stop drinking here and there .... I said yes .... he got drunk a few days later ...

I thought of calling the engagement off, but I was worried about what his family would think, and the fact we had a house together.

We got married. On my wedding day he got very drunk and spent all night chatting with one of the woman guests. In the morning we had to take his parents to catch a bus, he was too drunk to hear the alarm clock. When I woke him up he rose in a fury, and threatened me with his fist. He later said he did this while asleep and did not remember any of it.

I thought of nullifying the wedding, but I was worried about what his family would think, and the fact we had a house together.

He promised to stop drinking. He went through heavy drinking time, and through dry times.

We had 2 kids. Right after the birth of kid number two, the drinking got really bad (he was drunk every night). I said I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay, and said he would stop drinking. That worked for a while ...

Then he started drinking again, in the meantime, he had also quit his job. He started being verbally abusive.

I thought of leaving, but I was worried about what his family would think, the fact we had 2 kids, and a house together.

He proved he could not be trusted to look after the kids, by being passed out in the mornings when he should have looked after them. I covered for him, took kids to my workplace, cancelled business meetings.

The verbal abuse got worse, turned into intimidation through breaking things in front of me, and turned into throwing things at me (which did not hit me).

The drinking got worse.

And then ....

I did not think anymore – suddenly, somehow, my survival instinct made me do it - I did it, I left ...

I went to a shelter .... wonderful place ... I got a lawyer .... after a 10 year relationship .... in one week it was done .... we separated....

I wish I had done it earlier, but I am glad I did not do it later .... As some people said before, we leave when the pain/fear of staying is stronger than the fear of leaving ....

The nice part of him used to somehow make up for the bad part, then the nice part, over the years, just vanished away ...

I read good advice on this forum before, somehow I could not take it. Only now can I join the ranks of people who say ‘RUN RUN’ to people wondering about staying with their ABFs or AHs. And again, presumably, in many cases the advice will not sink in, because even if we are told this disease gets worse and worse, we keep hoping. And somehow we have to hit our bottom, too, before we realize there is no hope, that nothing will change unless something changes. And if he does not change, we have to change ....

Now, he is going into treatment, seems he might have hit his bottom ... I really hope he will get better, for the kids sake ... I hope again, now... I hope that me leaving might have just saved our four lives .... I guess time will tell ....

barb dwyer 03-13-2010 09:19 PM


I read good advice on this forum before, somehow I could not take it. Only now can I join the ranks of people who say ‘RUN RUN’ to people wondering about staying with their ABFs or AHs. And again, presumably, in many cases the advice will not sink in, because even if we are told this disease gets worse and worse, we keep hoping. And somehow we have to hit our bottom, too, before we realize there is no hope, that nothing will change unless something changes. And if he does not change, we have to change ....
atdawn -

And we need as many different voices as we can find
to help those who are either so confused
they don't know WHOM to believe,
or are so afraid of the unknown...
they will continue to suffer in the horror they are familiar with...
rather than face the unknown that might be even worse.

And it NEVER is.

Meanwhile,
yet another generation
learns about life
riding the same 'terror-go-round'...

THANK YOU for your post!!!
Please stay around and add your voice and point of view!!!!

:c011:

Gold 03-13-2010 09:57 PM

Dear atdawn
Thank you for your post. I too am recently free.
I too clung to the hope he would change, but he never did.
I hoped it would not get worse but it did.
I wondered if somehow the advice here didn't apply to me but it did.


we leave when the pain/fear of staying is stronger than the fear of leaving
So true.

well done

alanonicnov2008 03-13-2010 10:08 PM


Dear atdawn
Thank you for your post. I too am recently free.
I too clung to the hope he would change, but he never did.
I hoped it would not get worse but it did.
I wondered if somehow the advice here didn't apply to me but it did.
Me too. One month "sober" from my codependent relationship with a "recovering" but extremely dry alcoholic/sex addict.

My life has never looked better. Being alone has restored me to sanity.

Welcome to a better future!

atdawn 03-14-2010 11:05 AM

Thank you ! The road is still long... good luck to all

lulu1974 03-15-2010 04:55 PM

I can relate to all of the above..I pray you stay strong. Things will get better. Take care of you and your babies...He will most likely not get better..But keep coming here.Your story is very brave and inspiring. You must be so proud of yourself. Give yourself a big hug...

Jess01 03-15-2010 05:08 PM

Wow after reading that I just saw what my future would be like if I stayed with my ABF of 10 weeks.

Thankyou for sharing your experience and I wish you all the best for you and your children. Be strong. ((hugs))


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