Should I Leave?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Jess,
I was on your shoes 10 years ago when my relatiosnhip started...In addition to all the great stuff everyone said previously..I wanted to share with you that in my case and this seems to be true for most..this is a progressive disease. The genuine person I used to know disappeared for good now that he is a full blown alcoholic. No trace of him left. I too held onto the genuine person theory. 10 years later that person no longer exists. I thought he was so loyal and trustworthy..until one day the FBI knocked on our door. Please think hard about yourself and your best interest because even if you think you can handle it for now..most likely it will just get worse...I wish I had known this back then. I would have moved to another country to get away if I had to. Sending you hugs..
I was on your shoes 10 years ago when my relatiosnhip started...In addition to all the great stuff everyone said previously..I wanted to share with you that in my case and this seems to be true for most..this is a progressive disease. The genuine person I used to know disappeared for good now that he is a full blown alcoholic. No trace of him left. I too held onto the genuine person theory. 10 years later that person no longer exists. I thought he was so loyal and trustworthy..until one day the FBI knocked on our door. Please think hard about yourself and your best interest because even if you think you can handle it for now..most likely it will just get worse...I wish I had known this back then. I would have moved to another country to get away if I had to. Sending you hugs..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
This:
"they are good when sober and terrible when under the influence. Ironically later they can become "good" when under the influence and "bad" when sober"
Is gold.
Jess, if there was one thing that I wish I had known a year ago it's the sentence above. My ex was a monster when he was trying to abstain (I really hesitate to use the word sober because the binges were pretty close together by the end). The worst of his behavior was when he was dry.
Only thing I would add is that if alcohol becomes a dealbreaker in the relationship and the alcoholic feels that they've stopped/cut down "for" another person and they're not really ready to do that - it's likely that everything will seem bad to them and most of all the other person will become the bad guy. That's the part that I wasn't prepared for.
SL.
"they are good when sober and terrible when under the influence. Ironically later they can become "good" when under the influence and "bad" when sober"
Is gold.
Jess, if there was one thing that I wish I had known a year ago it's the sentence above. My ex was a monster when he was trying to abstain (I really hesitate to use the word sober because the binges were pretty close together by the end). The worst of his behavior was when he was dry.
Only thing I would add is that if alcohol becomes a dealbreaker in the relationship and the alcoholic feels that they've stopped/cut down "for" another person and they're not really ready to do that - it's likely that everything will seem bad to them and most of all the other person will become the bad guy. That's the part that I wasn't prepared for.
SL.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Also, a thread that popped up here in the last few days is about the best description I've ever read about how things progress with this disease, why we make the decisions that we do - and most of all why we need to travel our own path in deciding what to do and when to do it.
I will read it every time I wonder how he's doing, remember the good times or start magical thinking about how things might have been "if".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...730-i-did.html
I will read it every time I wonder how he's doing, remember the good times or start magical thinking about how things might have been "if".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...730-i-did.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Jess,
I also welcome you, and encourage you to stick around - there's a lot to learn.
I want to point out that you said you have no reason to believe that he won't get drunk around you again some day. But, even if he never ever has even one drink in your presence, he is still an alcoholic, and the analgesic effect of alcohol is how he chooses to deal with life! What I'm saying, is he will still be a liability.
When you are on hiatus from him, I hope you don't miss him so terribly, that you run on back. I hope you gain more perspective and know what is best FOR YOU.
I also welcome you, and encourage you to stick around - there's a lot to learn.
I want to point out that you said you have no reason to believe that he won't get drunk around you again some day. But, even if he never ever has even one drink in your presence, he is still an alcoholic, and the analgesic effect of alcohol is how he chooses to deal with life! What I'm saying, is he will still be a liability.
When you are on hiatus from him, I hope you don't miss him so terribly, that you run on back. I hope you gain more perspective and know what is best FOR YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
I will echo what other people have already said - you have made a minimal investment in this man, and at present can cut your losses fairly easily. It gets MANY times more complicated once their is marriage, a home, career sacrifices, kids, or even just the investment of several years of your life in the absence of all of that other stuff.
You said he stopped, cleaned up and then started again. Major Red Flag! Clearly he recognized that he needed to stop drinking, did so, and then decided that it was not necessary to stay stopped after all. If he does not think that he should have stayed abstinent, I can assure you that nothing you do will make him think otherwise.
You said that he is the nicest guy in the world when he is sober, which unfortunately is a description that many of us could accredit to the A's in our lives. Unfortunately, you cannot separate him into multiple personalities, saying that one is great and the other one stinks, hoping that somehow you will only have to deal with the great one. When you are with him you will get the whole package, which includes the mean, ugly side of him that seems to be coming out more and more often, according to your post.
I will furthermore point out that no one forces him to take that first drink. The great sober guy you know makes a conscious decision to do so himself, knowing that many more will follow and that when they do he will turn into a nasty, rotten guy. A sober guy who makes that decision over and over again does not sound like such a great guy to me.
There are millions of decent men out there who are not A's, and who will not present this kind of heartache to you. Wouldn't you prefer one of them as a partner and not this guy you are currently dealing with?
MZ
You said he stopped, cleaned up and then started again. Major Red Flag! Clearly he recognized that he needed to stop drinking, did so, and then decided that it was not necessary to stay stopped after all. If he does not think that he should have stayed abstinent, I can assure you that nothing you do will make him think otherwise.
You said that he is the nicest guy in the world when he is sober, which unfortunately is a description that many of us could accredit to the A's in our lives. Unfortunately, you cannot separate him into multiple personalities, saying that one is great and the other one stinks, hoping that somehow you will only have to deal with the great one. When you are with him you will get the whole package, which includes the mean, ugly side of him that seems to be coming out more and more often, according to your post.
I will furthermore point out that no one forces him to take that first drink. The great sober guy you know makes a conscious decision to do so himself, knowing that many more will follow and that when they do he will turn into a nasty, rotten guy. A sober guy who makes that decision over and over again does not sound like such a great guy to me.
There are millions of decent men out there who are not A's, and who will not present this kind of heartache to you. Wouldn't you prefer one of them as a partner and not this guy you are currently dealing with?
MZ
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I've heard this a few times
A man will marry a woman hoping she won't change and a woman will marry a guy hoping to change him.
Only person you can change is your self. I made promises to the ex not to drink. She was supposed to stop nagging at me all the time if, I didn't drink. It was a revolving circle.
The mask you see when, he's not drinking will start to disappear after a while and you'll only see the mask of the man that drinks all the time eventually unless, he chooses to address his drinking problem.
A man will marry a woman hoping she won't change and a woman will marry a guy hoping to change him.
Only person you can change is your self. I made promises to the ex not to drink. She was supposed to stop nagging at me all the time if, I didn't drink. It was a revolving circle.
The mask you see when, he's not drinking will start to disappear after a while and you'll only see the mask of the man that drinks all the time eventually unless, he chooses to address his drinking problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
My stomach is in knots right now reading all these replies...because I know what you are all saying is right.
Thankyou especially to MarshallZhukov, you have hit the mark spot on.
I have not seen him since the last incident a few days ago but have made email contact. He says he thinks he is in the asymptomatic stage, when he drinks there is a chance of the problem recurring.
He says he has worked so hard to get to the stage where he is now and he can see that his actions are causing a problem, which is why he gave up drinking in the first place. He wants to be able to overcome this and feels now he can tackle it and he said I was right, he has had a problem in the past month or two.
I dont know what he did before to give up drinking, I think he just went cold turkey. He has been able to hold down a job for the past 8 years and just bought a house 6 months ago - hense why I thought he has cleaned himself up.
I cant help but think if I stay it will be a struggle. I have had to deal with struggles all my life with men and I never thought that I would have to face this with someone. However in the long term I guess I would alot better off without him. How hard is it to give someone up when you know they have a good heart deep down? This disease is terrible in all senses.
Thankyou especially to MarshallZhukov, you have hit the mark spot on.
I have not seen him since the last incident a few days ago but have made email contact. He says he thinks he is in the asymptomatic stage, when he drinks there is a chance of the problem recurring.
He says he has worked so hard to get to the stage where he is now and he can see that his actions are causing a problem, which is why he gave up drinking in the first place. He wants to be able to overcome this and feels now he can tackle it and he said I was right, he has had a problem in the past month or two.
I dont know what he did before to give up drinking, I think he just went cold turkey. He has been able to hold down a job for the past 8 years and just bought a house 6 months ago - hense why I thought he has cleaned himself up.
I cant help but think if I stay it will be a struggle. I have had to deal with struggles all my life with men and I never thought that I would have to face this with someone. However in the long term I guess I would alot better off without him. How hard is it to give someone up when you know they have a good heart deep down? This disease is terrible in all senses.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Sorry long post but I just need someones opinion on this:
He has said:
He will cut down the amount that he drinks and that he just started drinking again for 'fun' and he needed some type of outlet from the stresses of life.
He has been under alot of stress at work. He hasnt had a holiday for over 12 mths and works long hours.
He feels that isnt a reason to make up excuses but since I have pointed out that his drinking is a problem a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he can see more clearly in the direction he wants his life to go in.
He is determined not to let his binge drinking happen again. He has been living a binge drinking lifestyle since leaving school (he is 36 now). He says he knows he doesnt have to drink to excess to enjoy himself that he can actually live without drinking and know what type of behaviour is required. He hasnt been in a relationship for a long time (13 years) and didnt think that his actions were going to affect this relationship.
Before getting involved with me he claims he only got drunk once or twice in the past 12 mths. He tried to see if he could just drink socially but he feels he has failed at that. When he tried to give up he did not see many of his friends because they all lead that same lifestyle. However if he does see them they will always want him to have a drink with them. He promises that he will change if that means he drinks less and less as the relationship develops.
To which I replied:
The fact that you say that you will just be cutting down the amount you drink and not stopping all together is a concern to me.
When you first gave up drinking did you see anyone about it?
Have you ever known that you had a drinking problem?
Its not my place to ‘fix’ you and I don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy.
It concerns me that we have been seeing each for 9 wks and 1/3 of that time has been spent arguing, seeing you get drunk and trying to sort our problems out.
I have been abused more than I care to remember in my life by men and I have come a long way to try and build up my confidence and self esteem.
I am devastated beyond belief that I have failed at yet another relationship.
I’m at a point where Im finding it hard to keep my emotions together and its affecting my job.
I don’t know if I can handle ever seeing you with another drink in your hand. Just thinking about it makes my stomach go in knots.
Realistically I know if I stay with you I will see you drinking again and I can’t stop that. If your friends can’t understand that you have a serious problem and they exacerbate it then they are not worth being friends.
Drinking is just one part of the problem.
What about your shyness and anxiety when you’re sober?
Im not saying that you’re not willing to work these problems out but I don’t know if I have the strength to help you through it all.
What to do????
He has said:
He will cut down the amount that he drinks and that he just started drinking again for 'fun' and he needed some type of outlet from the stresses of life.
He has been under alot of stress at work. He hasnt had a holiday for over 12 mths and works long hours.
He feels that isnt a reason to make up excuses but since I have pointed out that his drinking is a problem a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he can see more clearly in the direction he wants his life to go in.
He is determined not to let his binge drinking happen again. He has been living a binge drinking lifestyle since leaving school (he is 36 now). He says he knows he doesnt have to drink to excess to enjoy himself that he can actually live without drinking and know what type of behaviour is required. He hasnt been in a relationship for a long time (13 years) and didnt think that his actions were going to affect this relationship.
Before getting involved with me he claims he only got drunk once or twice in the past 12 mths. He tried to see if he could just drink socially but he feels he has failed at that. When he tried to give up he did not see many of his friends because they all lead that same lifestyle. However if he does see them they will always want him to have a drink with them. He promises that he will change if that means he drinks less and less as the relationship develops.
To which I replied:
The fact that you say that you will just be cutting down the amount you drink and not stopping all together is a concern to me.
When you first gave up drinking did you see anyone about it?
Have you ever known that you had a drinking problem?
Its not my place to ‘fix’ you and I don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy.
It concerns me that we have been seeing each for 9 wks and 1/3 of that time has been spent arguing, seeing you get drunk and trying to sort our problems out.
I have been abused more than I care to remember in my life by men and I have come a long way to try and build up my confidence and self esteem.
I am devastated beyond belief that I have failed at yet another relationship.
I’m at a point where Im finding it hard to keep my emotions together and its affecting my job.
I don’t know if I can handle ever seeing you with another drink in your hand. Just thinking about it makes my stomach go in knots.
Realistically I know if I stay with you I will see you drinking again and I can’t stop that. If your friends can’t understand that you have a serious problem and they exacerbate it then they are not worth being friends.
Drinking is just one part of the problem.
What about your shyness and anxiety when you’re sober?
Im not saying that you’re not willing to work these problems out but I don’t know if I have the strength to help you through it all.
What to do????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
He will cut down the amount that he drinks and that he just started drinking again for 'fun' and he needed some type of outlet from the stresses of life.
He has been under alot of stress at work. He hasnt had a holiday for over 12 mths and works long hours.
He feels that isnt a reason to make up excuses but since I have pointed out that his drinking is a problem a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he can see more clearly in the direction he wants his life to go in.
He is determined not to let his binge drinking happen again. He has been living a binge drinking lifestyle since leaving school (he is 36 now). He says he knows he doesnt have to drink to excess to enjoy himself that he can actually live without drinking and know what type of behaviour is required. He hasnt been in a relationship for a long time (13 years) and didnt think that his actions were going to affect this relationship.
Before getting involved with me he claims he only got drunk once or twice in the past 12 mths. He tried to see if he could just drink socially but he feels he has failed at that. When he tried to give up he did not see many of his friends because they all lead that same lifestyle. However if he does see them they will always want him to have a drink with them. He promises that he will change if that means he drinks less and less as the relationship develops.
He has been under alot of stress at work. He hasnt had a holiday for over 12 mths and works long hours.
He feels that isnt a reason to make up excuses but since I have pointed out that his drinking is a problem a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he can see more clearly in the direction he wants his life to go in.
He is determined not to let his binge drinking happen again. He has been living a binge drinking lifestyle since leaving school (he is 36 now). He says he knows he doesnt have to drink to excess to enjoy himself that he can actually live without drinking and know what type of behaviour is required. He hasnt been in a relationship for a long time (13 years) and didnt think that his actions were going to affect this relationship.
Before getting involved with me he claims he only got drunk once or twice in the past 12 mths. He tried to see if he could just drink socially but he feels he has failed at that. When he tried to give up he did not see many of his friends because they all lead that same lifestyle. However if he does see them they will always want him to have a drink with them. He promises that he will change if that means he drinks less and less as the relationship develops.
No one can change for the sake of a relatuionship...not permanently.
If he chooses to recovery from his disease it will only come from his own motives, not to please another person. It sounds like he is saying what he thinks you want to hear.
You say you dont know if you can handle seeing him drink again. So what will you do when he does? Whats your plan?
I am devastated beyond belief that I have failed at yet another relationship
You deserve happiness.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Jess01 
Its not my place to ‘fix’ you and I don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Racine, WI
Posts: 33
Alcoholics are notorious on putting a fake front and when they think you are comfortable enough and they have you in thier grasp then their true colors show. They are perfect Dr Jekle and Mr Hyde characters. This is eactly how they lure you in. If they showed they were alcoholics up front they would never get such wonderfully caring people to love them and care for them. Put it in perspective if you saw this guy drunk say at an outing or affair and he approached you of course you would not give him the time of day not even if he called you days later and asked you out. Your mind is screaming at your heart to listen up and get the heck out of their. 10 weeks is so minimal versus those of us who got caught up with it for years. You would not be here writing on this blog if you thought for on instant he was not down a bad path and you were wrong with your instincts. You are here because you know it is what it is. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck then it is a duck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hi Jess,
I relate so much to the email that you sent him. I have been systematically deleting emails to and from my ex in the last few weeks and there are a couple (from me to him) that are spookily similar to your email.
It has taken a lot of time for me to realize I was trying to "write him" into being the man I hoped he was. It was almost like "here are my valid concerns about a whole heap of red flags" - now be someone else, please. Instead his behavior deteriorated and my boundaries weren't really boundaries at all. I wasn't looking out for myself and yet I was expecting him to look out for me even as his true colors started emerging in neon.
Your writing is so clear, you have an amazing grasp of the situation and you are here looking for support - go you!! Forget about him for a moment:
"I don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy."
Damn straight! How confident are you that you can walk away from a relationship that fits this description? You have every right to do so - but YOU need to feel that you have that right.
"I have been abused more than I care to remember in my life by men and I have come a long way to try and build up my confidence and self esteem."
I am so sorry for everything you've been through - you didn't invite or deserve abuse, ever. Everything you have done to be able to question a relationship at the nine week mark (and you are, you're questioning it and trying to make a healthy decision) is amazing.
"I am devastated beyond belief that I have failed at yet another relationship."
You haven't!! You sound like a very special person and anyone would be thrilled to have you in their life. This person had a truckload of issues before you met - you're starting to see them EARLY!!! That is success in my book. Being devastated that it isn't what you hoped it might be is not a failure.
"Drinking is just one part of the problem."
This is incredibly wise.
As for feeling sick - I think I've spent most of my adult life confusing romantic "butterflies in the stomach" with a very healthy fear/flight response
Hugs,
SL
I relate so much to the email that you sent him. I have been systematically deleting emails to and from my ex in the last few weeks and there are a couple (from me to him) that are spookily similar to your email.
It has taken a lot of time for me to realize I was trying to "write him" into being the man I hoped he was. It was almost like "here are my valid concerns about a whole heap of red flags" - now be someone else, please. Instead his behavior deteriorated and my boundaries weren't really boundaries at all. I wasn't looking out for myself and yet I was expecting him to look out for me even as his true colors started emerging in neon.
Your writing is so clear, you have an amazing grasp of the situation and you are here looking for support - go you!! Forget about him for a moment:
"I don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy."
Damn straight! How confident are you that you can walk away from a relationship that fits this description? You have every right to do so - but YOU need to feel that you have that right.
"I have been abused more than I care to remember in my life by men and I have come a long way to try and build up my confidence and self esteem."
I am so sorry for everything you've been through - you didn't invite or deserve abuse, ever. Everything you have done to be able to question a relationship at the nine week mark (and you are, you're questioning it and trying to make a healthy decision) is amazing.
"I am devastated beyond belief that I have failed at yet another relationship."
You haven't!! You sound like a very special person and anyone would be thrilled to have you in their life. This person had a truckload of issues before you met - you're starting to see them EARLY!!! That is success in my book. Being devastated that it isn't what you hoped it might be is not a failure.
"Drinking is just one part of the problem."
This is incredibly wise.
As for feeling sick - I think I've spent most of my adult life confusing romantic "butterflies in the stomach" with a very healthy fear/flight response
Hugs,
SL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Wow thankyou so much for the comments and insight into my post.
Even though it has been only 10 weeks he already thinks that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. Ive been telling him to slow down the pace and he doesnt. He doesnt even know me very well yet, so to make the assumpton is absurd.
I feel alot stronger today and reading your encouraging comments have helped immensely. I live alone and dont have a huge support network so this forum has been so helpful.
I guess I am reacting so bad to this because I have been alone for 3 years after a terrible divorce and this is the first guy I have let in and he turns out to be an A. I have had a series of flings in the past 3 years and I always seem to meet the wrong guy. Im 33 and just want to settle down and get married one day and have kids like a normal person. In my town its so hard to meet a man.
However I have been through alot worse than this, and I realise this could get ALOT worse if I stay. I have already sought out therapy to help me through this and also recover from previous relationship mistakes to ensure that one day I will be emotionally sound and attract the right kind of man for me.
Even though it has been only 10 weeks he already thinks that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. Ive been telling him to slow down the pace and he doesnt. He doesnt even know me very well yet, so to make the assumpton is absurd.
I feel alot stronger today and reading your encouraging comments have helped immensely. I live alone and dont have a huge support network so this forum has been so helpful.
I guess I am reacting so bad to this because I have been alone for 3 years after a terrible divorce and this is the first guy I have let in and he turns out to be an A. I have had a series of flings in the past 3 years and I always seem to meet the wrong guy. Im 33 and just want to settle down and get married one day and have kids like a normal person. In my town its so hard to meet a man.
However I have been through alot worse than this, and I realise this could get ALOT worse if I stay. I have already sought out therapy to help me through this and also recover from previous relationship mistakes to ensure that one day I will be emotionally sound and attract the right kind of man for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Jess01,
You sound like you have a lot of common sense and insight. I hope you can avoid the pain that I went through by marrying an alcoholic who sounded much like yours. I would highly recommend AlAnon. I never expected that it would be for me but I have gained so much from going.
You've got one wonderful life. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
You sound like you have a lot of common sense and insight. I hope you can avoid the pain that I went through by marrying an alcoholic who sounded much like yours. I would highly recommend AlAnon. I never expected that it would be for me but I have gained so much from going.
You've got one wonderful life. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
After much thought and careful consideration I have decided not to leave.
I nearly did though.
I have decided to step back a bit and keep things casual. I have discussed these issues thoroughly with my BF and he agrees he has a serious problem. His drinking is a result of living a country life and being influenced by heavy drinkers around him. He escaped this kind of lifestyle many years ago but did continue to drink. Last year he gave up drinking and was successfully absinent for 1 year. He has never had anyone like me come into his life and point out that his drinking is a serious problem. So far he wants to get help and has not had a drink for (10 days).
I understand that words are words and I can only believe actions, not words.
We are lucky to have community and family support service for people with drinking issues. They run a 12 week program and visit your home once a week. The service offers support, assessment, brief intervention and referral advice. My BF has already setup visits of this service and seems to be dedicated in getting better.
Again I realise that he may have a relapse and thats why Ive decided to step back not get over involved. I have made it clear to him that he needs to be doing this for himself and not me or anyone else.
I really hope that in time he will beat this addiction and live a happy normal life, and I hope that I can come back on this forum and tell 'his success story'.
Thanks again to all the useful advice I have received.
I nearly did though.
I have decided to step back a bit and keep things casual. I have discussed these issues thoroughly with my BF and he agrees he has a serious problem. His drinking is a result of living a country life and being influenced by heavy drinkers around him. He escaped this kind of lifestyle many years ago but did continue to drink. Last year he gave up drinking and was successfully absinent for 1 year. He has never had anyone like me come into his life and point out that his drinking is a serious problem. So far he wants to get help and has not had a drink for (10 days).
I understand that words are words and I can only believe actions, not words.
We are lucky to have community and family support service for people with drinking issues. They run a 12 week program and visit your home once a week. The service offers support, assessment, brief intervention and referral advice. My BF has already setup visits of this service and seems to be dedicated in getting better.
Again I realise that he may have a relapse and thats why Ive decided to step back not get over involved. I have made it clear to him that he needs to be doing this for himself and not me or anyone else.
I really hope that in time he will beat this addiction and live a happy normal life, and I hope that I can come back on this forum and tell 'his success story'.
Thanks again to all the useful advice I have received.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
HI Jess
Have you decided what your boundaries are in case he does drink again?
If he does relapse which is a real possibility....will you stay with him?
What is okay for you? and what will the the consequences for the relationship that you are prepared to act on?
You say you are not going to get over involved. It may be useful to decide ahead of time exactly what your invlovment is.
Good luck
Have you decided what your boundaries are in case he does drink again?
If he does relapse which is a real possibility....will you stay with him?
What is okay for you? and what will the the consequences for the relationship that you are prepared to act on?
You say you are not going to get over involved. It may be useful to decide ahead of time exactly what your invlovment is.
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
I do not know for sure that he stopped drinking last year, he told me that he decided to stop drinking and hanging out with the same drinking buddies and then turned into a ‘recluse’. He worked solidly and then bought a house. His drinking recently started again when he began to see the same old drinking buddies and fell into the same old patterns. His house mate can testify to this. One huge challenge for him is to continue to live a social life and not drink. Turning into a recluse does not solve the problem; it just masks it for a period of time.
Good questions Gold.
I have really stepped back from this relationship compared to the way it was before and set firm boundaries. All we do now is go on dates, dinner, movie etc once or twice a week.
I’m scared that he may fall back into his old patterns again and if this happens then I’m gone. This is his last chance to prove that he wants to stop drinking and lead a better life style.
I was so close to leaving last week, and felt that Ill give him one more chance. I don’t have a problem being on my own and I’m not co-dependant.
I believe time will tell.
Good questions Gold.
I have really stepped back from this relationship compared to the way it was before and set firm boundaries. All we do now is go on dates, dinner, movie etc once or twice a week.
I’m scared that he may fall back into his old patterns again and if this happens then I’m gone. This is his last chance to prove that he wants to stop drinking and lead a better life style.
I was so close to leaving last week, and felt that Ill give him one more chance. I don’t have a problem being on my own and I’m not co-dependant.
I believe time will tell.
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