I just need to get this out...
 

For those of you that don’t know…

I’ve recently decided to end a relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. While painful, it was the right thing to do. The chaos he brought to my life, even though he is now (so he says) 7 months sober, not very much of the alcoholic behavior has changed. In the midst of all this, my 19 year old son, who lives on the other side of the country, began a spiral into alcohol and drugs. This has been devastating to me as a mother and as a human being. But I’m coping… with help. I’m in therapy, going to Al Anon, and staying close to this board.

Here’s what I want to get out.

In the initial shock last week of realizing just how out of control my son’s life is becoming, I reached out to the ex. I wanted to hear his voice, and wanted information… from the alcoholic’s perspective. I got more than I bargained for.

He took it upon himself to say “the difficult things to me” and “to stand up to me because no one else will”… keep in mind, we’ve had very, very little contact since January. But, for some reason, he felt it was his place to tell me The Truth… as he saw it.

One of the things my son has stated to me is that he’s just going to come live with me. Under normal circumstances, I would welcome this. However, he is not welcome if he is using. Not at all. If he is trying to turn his life around, I will give him whatever support I can. At this point, he’s not, so I will bide my time. When I brought this up to the ex, he went off on me…

“You have to let him live with you. I know you’re too good a person to turn him away. You have money, you can help him. If you don’t help him now, if you don’t try… how are you going to feel when you get the phone call that he’s dead?”

Wait… what???

Let’s see, what else? There were lots of things he said that were utterly baffling to me. It was as if I was hearing this person speak for the first time. He was basically putting this kid’s very survival on me. He says he’s been going to AA… but has he listened? Has he learned? He actually said that my taking in my son at this point might be the only chance at redemption I’ll have for the mistakes I made as a mother.

Shut up.

I know he thinks that he really opened my eyes to the reality of the situation, but what he doesn’t realize that that 30 minute conversation proved to me that he’s not sober… he’s dry. He still thinks that people can be “fixed”, even though no one was able to “fix” him for 20 years. I also realized how far I’ve come, that I can still love someone and not assimilate their chaos into my daily life. Yes, I worry and yes, I pray and yes, I have hope.

But I no longer have guilt for something…

I didn’t cause.

I can’t cure.

I can’t control.

By no means am I healed. By no means am I whole. But I am better than I was and, for that, I am grateful.

Wonderful!!! You did fantastic! :ghug3

You are thinking clearly and you are spot on with your decisions. You realized right quick that your ex is no one you need to be talking to about this. Communicate with your son and let him know what you will and will not do.

So many times, people think that if they just move away somewhere, all their problems will be solved. The thing is...wherever you go, there you are. Your problems are inside you more than anywhere else. Sure, you might get away from known bad influences, but those bad influences are everywhere!

I'm so proud of you, I could just burst! :c031:

Oh, Suki... thank you! I am actually very proud of myself, too.

It really is amazing to get a little clarity and perspective... and then to actually pay attention to it. Wow... so THIS is what it's all about.

Now, to just keep at it and keep on keepin' on...

What a crock your x is feeding you!!

You can do it. It seems like all of a sudden, the light bulb really does click on and you can see things so clearly. You've turned the corner and you're going to be fine. Let your son know that you love him, but realize that you won't be doing your son any favors by trying to do for him what he needs to do for himself. Don't do anything you're not completely comfortable with.

You take care of yourself, first and foremost. The rest will fall into place as it should.

:ghug3

Oh, I know, Captain. I didn't always know, but I know now. And that's what matters.

He's still got the outward look only... the inward look for him is proving to be a lot more difficult.

Not my problem.

Even when I reached out to him for support, he couldn't just listen. He had to FIX. He had to CONTROL. He had to MANIPULATE. All the while, telling me that he loved me... that he misses me... that he wants to see me. At several points in the conversation, my head was actually cocked to the side with a look of "Wha?" on my face. Like I said, it was baffling.

He's not really working his program, and he's lying to himself about it.

Again, not my problem. However, it will become a problem for me should I reach out to him again.

But I won't. I have an excellent support system to lean on, I don't need his rhetoric.

So many times, people think that if they just move away somewhere, all their problems will be solved. The thing is...wherever you go, there you are. Your problems are inside you more than anywhere else. Sure, you might get away from known bad influences, but those bad influences are everywhere!

Excellent point! We all have to work on the inside of "us". Thank you for that very useful post.

klm- Good for you! Stay strong and God Bless. :-)

My biggest downfall through the years before I acknowledged my codependency was I always reached out to toxic people when I was vulnerable...going through a difficult time.

I am sorry about your son. I have a 32 year old daughter who's active in addictions.

It is possible to live a full and happy life in spite of such things.

I'll be keeping you and your son in my prayers! :ghug3

Let me add my applause and admiration for your clarity at a time when many of us could allow our thinking to get clouded.

The only "other people" I listen to (about my son's recovery or lack of it or what I should or should not do) are people in recovery themselves...on MY side of recovery who understand and who have walked where I walk.

My son's life is precious, but I cannot control it.

My life is precious too and I have an obligation to myself, those who love me and God to live my life in the best way possible.

Thank you for inspiring me today, KLM, and I will keep your boy in my prayers.

Hugs