Obsessed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Obsessed
To keep this post from droning on with details, I'll try to give an abbreviated version of what's been happening lately.
Turns out my AB is not an alcoholic. At least by anything I've experienced, read, or heard. Long story short, after I started going to alanon and when my boyfriend got back from a trip, I told him that his drinking may not be affecting him but it was crushing me. He pretty much quit at that point. Not full sobriety but I'm realizing he doesn't need to. That's really good news. In the last month he's had 4 drinks. (2 on 2 separate nights) He says he's thinking a lot clearer and it SHOWS. I was always upset because I was never *first* and he never seemed to consider anything but himself. These days, he makes me coffee in the mornings, and he even showed up at my work last week with flowers. This is a huge change in his thought process. He's thinking ahead on house projects and the like as well. We've talked about it several times and he says that he just never stopped drinking like he did in college and that was affecting his thoughts (or lack of) but he's been fine since he stopped drinking like that. He's almost a different person altogether. It's nice and we're doing really well.
Of course, I'm still going to alanon because the fact is that I need it. And I need it bad! My mom was an alcholic and although my dad doesn't drink much to speak of, he has the characteristics of an alcholic. Perhaps my grandfather was one, or had the traits of one. At any rate, I grew up in an alcoholic home and MY behavior is that of a ACOA.
The reason I wanted to write today was to talk about obsession. I get obsessed about everything. Hell, I LOOK for things to get obsessed about. And if I'm obsessing about something, and the record in my brain skips to something else and I forget what I was worried about I will sit there and stew until it comes back to me. For instance, let's say I'm worried about a bill. I will think about that bill for hours. I will think of all the things that could happen if I don't pay it. I will rework in my brain a hundred ways to pay it, etc. And let's say while I'm thinking about that, I get interrupted with something fun. A joke or maybe even not something fun, but maybe work related. After I finish whatever that was, let's say I can't remember what it was I was obsessing about (that bill) I will sit there and think, "what was it I was worried about?" ..... "What WAS IT?" Until it comes back to me. The same way you try to figure out what you went into a room for, when you get there and forgot what you were doing. You stand in the doorway and wrack your brain trying to remember.... I do that with whatever I was worrying about.
HORRIBLE.
Today I wrote in my journal about my obsessing and I thought I'd write a little something here. I mean I've done it my whole life and it SEEMS normal to me. I mean who wouldn't worry about their job if someone else in the office was being trained for the things you should be training on? Who wouldn't worry about their report card in school and the repurcussions of a bad grade? Who wouldn't worry about the boy they liked and whether the boy liked them back? Who wouldn't worry if their husband went out of town? I mean, it all seems so normal to me. But I know it's not because I've been told I worry too much.
I worry right now whether I'll ever get married. I OBSESS over it. I think about it ALL THE TIME. I watch a movie and someone gets married, I think about me and my situation. I hear of someone getting married, I spend the next two hours thinking about me and my situation. It SEEMS normal, but it's not is it?
I look forward to hearing if this is a common thread for codependents. Obsessing. And then, obsessing about obsessing! I'm trying to learn how to stop. Tonight I decided maybe a good way to stop the broken record in my brain would be, when something bothers me, address it that moment, and if I can't address it that moment, set it aside for later. (How?) And if it's something big, something substantial, work out a plan of action for handling the problem. But then, isn't that obsessing more?
Thoughts?
Turns out my AB is not an alcoholic. At least by anything I've experienced, read, or heard. Long story short, after I started going to alanon and when my boyfriend got back from a trip, I told him that his drinking may not be affecting him but it was crushing me. He pretty much quit at that point. Not full sobriety but I'm realizing he doesn't need to. That's really good news. In the last month he's had 4 drinks. (2 on 2 separate nights) He says he's thinking a lot clearer and it SHOWS. I was always upset because I was never *first* and he never seemed to consider anything but himself. These days, he makes me coffee in the mornings, and he even showed up at my work last week with flowers. This is a huge change in his thought process. He's thinking ahead on house projects and the like as well. We've talked about it several times and he says that he just never stopped drinking like he did in college and that was affecting his thoughts (or lack of) but he's been fine since he stopped drinking like that. He's almost a different person altogether. It's nice and we're doing really well.
Of course, I'm still going to alanon because the fact is that I need it. And I need it bad! My mom was an alcholic and although my dad doesn't drink much to speak of, he has the characteristics of an alcholic. Perhaps my grandfather was one, or had the traits of one. At any rate, I grew up in an alcoholic home and MY behavior is that of a ACOA.
The reason I wanted to write today was to talk about obsession. I get obsessed about everything. Hell, I LOOK for things to get obsessed about. And if I'm obsessing about something, and the record in my brain skips to something else and I forget what I was worried about I will sit there and stew until it comes back to me. For instance, let's say I'm worried about a bill. I will think about that bill for hours. I will think of all the things that could happen if I don't pay it. I will rework in my brain a hundred ways to pay it, etc. And let's say while I'm thinking about that, I get interrupted with something fun. A joke or maybe even not something fun, but maybe work related. After I finish whatever that was, let's say I can't remember what it was I was obsessing about (that bill) I will sit there and think, "what was it I was worried about?" ..... "What WAS IT?" Until it comes back to me. The same way you try to figure out what you went into a room for, when you get there and forgot what you were doing. You stand in the doorway and wrack your brain trying to remember.... I do that with whatever I was worrying about.
HORRIBLE.
Today I wrote in my journal about my obsessing and I thought I'd write a little something here. I mean I've done it my whole life and it SEEMS normal to me. I mean who wouldn't worry about their job if someone else in the office was being trained for the things you should be training on? Who wouldn't worry about their report card in school and the repurcussions of a bad grade? Who wouldn't worry about the boy they liked and whether the boy liked them back? Who wouldn't worry if their husband went out of town? I mean, it all seems so normal to me. But I know it's not because I've been told I worry too much.
I worry right now whether I'll ever get married. I OBSESS over it. I think about it ALL THE TIME. I watch a movie and someone gets married, I think about me and my situation. I hear of someone getting married, I spend the next two hours thinking about me and my situation. It SEEMS normal, but it's not is it?
I look forward to hearing if this is a common thread for codependents. Obsessing. And then, obsessing about obsessing! I'm trying to learn how to stop. Tonight I decided maybe a good way to stop the broken record in my brain would be, when something bothers me, address it that moment, and if I can't address it that moment, set it aside for later. (How?) And if it's something big, something substantial, work out a plan of action for handling the problem. But then, isn't that obsessing more?
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Oh yes, I'm very familiar with this one.
I think it's common, but I guess I'm not sure.
But I ruminate, hyper-focus on a behavior, the future, what I've said, how I may have made someone feel, etc, etc.
Good for you to keep going to alanon.
And I was certain that my xah came from an "alcoholic" family system, but his parents did not, and do not, drink hardly at all. But a couple of siblings also have "the problem". I could never quite make sense of it, but at the end of the day, that's not what mattered.
I hope things continue to go well for you.
My abf always did a fairly poor job of demonstrating affection. After I got cancer and he got scared, that changed. But then he started using and the caring behaviors stopped. Now that he is sober, his is more forthcoming and demonstrative. There are other issues, but I think that he stopped taking me for granted when he saw that he might truly lose me (first the cancer, then when I left him)
I think it's common, but I guess I'm not sure.
But I ruminate, hyper-focus on a behavior, the future, what I've said, how I may have made someone feel, etc, etc.
Good for you to keep going to alanon.
And I was certain that my xah came from an "alcoholic" family system, but his parents did not, and do not, drink hardly at all. But a couple of siblings also have "the problem". I could never quite make sense of it, but at the end of the day, that's not what mattered.
I hope things continue to go well for you.
My abf always did a fairly poor job of demonstrating affection. After I got cancer and he got scared, that changed. But then he started using and the caring behaviors stopped. Now that he is sober, his is more forthcoming and demonstrative. There are other issues, but I think that he stopped taking me for granted when he saw that he might truly lose me (first the cancer, then when I left him)
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi!
I understand what you're saying...
and I hesitate to say it's 'common'
because as far as I can tell -
there's nothing 'common' about a single person on this website.
AND YET WE HAVE THINGS THAT MAKE US THE SAME.
I kno that when I can't hear Spirit...
when I'm not consciously aware of my interconnected-ness
with The Infinite -
I will obsess.
The funny part
is when people say
"just let it go"
they may as well say "just stop breathing".
LOL!
i've found that posting and reading here
has helped me more than I can begin to describe.
I hope you find the same connected-ness that I've found here.
I understand what you're saying...
and I hesitate to say it's 'common'
because as far as I can tell -
there's nothing 'common' about a single person on this website.
AND YET WE HAVE THINGS THAT MAKE US THE SAME.
I kno that when I can't hear Spirit...
when I'm not consciously aware of my interconnected-ness
with The Infinite -
I will obsess.
The funny part
is when people say
"just let it go"
they may as well say "just stop breathing".
LOL!
i've found that posting and reading here
has helped me more than I can begin to describe.
I hope you find the same connected-ness that I've found here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Oh man... I completely relate. I used to be soooo bad about this, it was paralyzing at times.
That was then...
Now, after years of therapy and Al Anon, I'm not as bad. Not that it's stopped completely, but I recognize a lot faster when I'm doing it and get off the mental hamster wheel of insanity. I learned to speak up and just say what's on my mind and ask what's on someone else's mind. You know what, it was the strangest feeling when I first started to do that. I would almost cringe, expecting the other person to freak out... but they never did. The more I did it, the easier it became.
Maybe I wasn't giving other people enough credit. Maybe I wasn't giving myself enough, either.
Once I realized the scariest place in the world is in my head, and learned to communicate my feelings in a constructive way, the obsessing really went down. It's actually my barometer of a "healthy relationship" now. If I start to get back on the wheel for whatever reason, it's a red flag. Amazingly, it's usually a really good indication of things to come.
That was then...
Now, after years of therapy and Al Anon, I'm not as bad. Not that it's stopped completely, but I recognize a lot faster when I'm doing it and get off the mental hamster wheel of insanity. I learned to speak up and just say what's on my mind and ask what's on someone else's mind. You know what, it was the strangest feeling when I first started to do that. I would almost cringe, expecting the other person to freak out... but they never did. The more I did it, the easier it became.
Maybe I wasn't giving other people enough credit. Maybe I wasn't giving myself enough, either.
Once I realized the scariest place in the world is in my head, and learned to communicate my feelings in a constructive way, the obsessing really went down. It's actually my barometer of a "healthy relationship" now. If I start to get back on the wheel for whatever reason, it's a red flag. Amazingly, it's usually a really good indication of things to come.
I would think if you obsess to the point where it interferes with your life you might see a Doctor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
It could be a habit and the result of years of stressing over situations (like being an ACOA), or it could be an organic condition that needs medical intervention. As a codependent, obsessing is my bread and butter, but what you describe is an order of magnitute above what I've experienced in my worst moments. So it could be that your brain is wired that way.
My ABF (currently in recovery and doing well) also has adult ADHD. He's in counseling with a therapist who specializes in child and adult ADHD, and he's chosen to take medication for the condition after weighing the pros and cons. He's talked about the difficulty of accepting this is a disability that he was born with, and that while he can control it, he can't cure it, so it will always be difficult for him to do certain things that I take for granted. It's taken me a long time to accept that this is how he is--and this is on top of his alcoholism.
I'm not offering a diagnosis--just suggesting that al-anon alone might be more suited to situational obsessive behavior, while an organic condition could benefit from medical intervention plus al-anon. Oh, and it took a lot of guts for you to admit and examine your problem so clearly in your post.
My ABF (currently in recovery and doing well) also has adult ADHD. He's in counseling with a therapist who specializes in child and adult ADHD, and he's chosen to take medication for the condition after weighing the pros and cons. He's talked about the difficulty of accepting this is a disability that he was born with, and that while he can control it, he can't cure it, so it will always be difficult for him to do certain things that I take for granted. It's taken me a long time to accept that this is how he is--and this is on top of his alcoholism.
I'm not offering a diagnosis--just suggesting that al-anon alone might be more suited to situational obsessive behavior, while an organic condition could benefit from medical intervention plus al-anon. Oh, and it took a lot of guts for you to admit and examine your problem so clearly in your post.
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