I feel so sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: england UK
Posts: 34
I feel so sad
my partner has been dry for 9 years except for 1 week in feb 08 when he went and rented his own flat and left saying he had never loved me couldnt carry on living the lie he had been and it was over, a week later he was back very sorry and didnt drink again until leaving me 2 weeks ago saying similar devastating things. We have two young children and have been together for 15 years. I feel awful ,a failiure to my children and frightened for their emtional safety.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
If someone does something once, it might be considered a mistake. If they do that same thing twice, that's a pattern. Hope you don't let him come back this time. As long as you put the needs of your children and yourself first, you won't be a failure to them. They deserve a stable home life and at least one sane parent.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I think it is time for you to make other plans for you and your little ones. I heard something yesterday that could apply to your situation:
"The first time he hits you (substitute "leaves you"), you're a victim.
The second time, you are a volunteer."
So, as pointed out above, your husband has a pattern of saying hurtful, devastating things and then leaving you.
What is your next move going to be?
Hope and wish that he comes back?
Or change your locks and put yourself in charge of your future?
"The first time he hits you (substitute "leaves you"), you're a victim.
The second time, you are a volunteer."
So, as pointed out above, your husband has a pattern of saying hurtful, devastating things and then leaving you.
What is your next move going to be?
Hope and wish that he comes back?
Or change your locks and put yourself in charge of your future?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
What someone else chooses to do is never your fault. Although, you need to know that you cannot control someone else. If he wants to drink, he's going to drink. You need to decide if you are willing to accept him as he is right now, or whether you aren't.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
oln, many hugs to you. I have been there. It is so devastating.
I learned to see this as my higher power stepping in to do for me what I couldn't do for myself. I would have stuck it out in misery forever.
I promise you that if you commit to working on yourself, learning about what you really want in life and in a relationship, and figuring out how you ended up in this type of relationship, you will feel 1000 times better in a few months.
Allow yourself to feel the pain now. Cry as much as you need to cry. Be gentle with yourself.
From the pain that I experienced when my H left me, I found healing, not just from my painful marriage, but from all of the painful issues in my life that led me to find a husband who treated me the way he did.
Keep coming here, reading and posting. It really helps and we all understand what you are going through.
I learned to see this as my higher power stepping in to do for me what I couldn't do for myself. I would have stuck it out in misery forever.
I promise you that if you commit to working on yourself, learning about what you really want in life and in a relationship, and figuring out how you ended up in this type of relationship, you will feel 1000 times better in a few months.
Allow yourself to feel the pain now. Cry as much as you need to cry. Be gentle with yourself.
From the pain that I experienced when my H left me, I found healing, not just from my painful marriage, but from all of the painful issues in my life that led me to find a husband who treated me the way he did.
Keep coming here, reading and posting. It really helps and we all understand what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by oln 
Can alcoholics regain control over their drinking if they have stopped for so long and therefore be able to drink sensibly?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
I think most alcoholics would say no, but that's not to say it's never happened. If a person truly is an alcoholic, it is extremely difficult to moderate their drinking and usually ends in an undesirable way.
Please don't feel like you are taking anything away from your children; you aren't. If your husband chooses to leave, then HE is the one taking himself out of the picture.
Please don't feel like you are taking anything away from your children; you aren't. If your husband chooses to leave, then HE is the one taking himself out of the picture.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
If he could not control his drinking in the past what does not having children around going to do?
The first time I had an understanding that my XABF was an alcoholic was not long into our relationship and soon after he had moved in with me. We had gotten into an argument over something rather mundane (enough so that I can't recall what it was about) and he stormed out. Believing that he would be back when he had a chance to be alone and think, I figured he'd be back. He was gone for days. When he returned, he admitted he had run off to a motel to think and ended up binge drinking. Ended up? Like it just happened to him.
Skip to a few years later when we had a fight over another inocuous subject and he stormed out. Again, I still thought he would return after a short while having worked out our issues from the first time he ran away, but again he was gone for several days binge drinking with a buddy of his.
Though I was still disillusioned and believed I could control or cure his drinking, I saw a pattern forming. He could go only so long before he had to escape from life. He saw me and our life together as his obstacle to feeling better, which only the booze brought him. To him the quickest solution was to make me miserable and angry with him thus it was my fault for driving him away, or better still, he was staying away to make be feel better and I should appreciate it.
It's all just the lie they tell so they can drink and not be accountable.
It makes me sad that you are going through this. I feel for the hurt and frstruation you have over his actions. This is his choice, it's true. He has chosen to return to drinking because it is what he wants or feels he needs to do. The blame and hurt he puts on you and the kids is just the lie he's telling so he doesn't have to admit to his accountability.
I would be feeling pretty damn awful myself if I stayed away from something unhealthy for so long (for me now that would be smoking) and then made the choice to go back to it. I'd want to put those awful feelings on someone else, too, to make myself feel better.
Pity.
Hang in there,
Alice
The first time I had an understanding that my XABF was an alcoholic was not long into our relationship and soon after he had moved in with me. We had gotten into an argument over something rather mundane (enough so that I can't recall what it was about) and he stormed out. Believing that he would be back when he had a chance to be alone and think, I figured he'd be back. He was gone for days. When he returned, he admitted he had run off to a motel to think and ended up binge drinking. Ended up? Like it just happened to him.
Skip to a few years later when we had a fight over another inocuous subject and he stormed out. Again, I still thought he would return after a short while having worked out our issues from the first time he ran away, but again he was gone for several days binge drinking with a buddy of his.
Though I was still disillusioned and believed I could control or cure his drinking, I saw a pattern forming. He could go only so long before he had to escape from life. He saw me and our life together as his obstacle to feeling better, which only the booze brought him. To him the quickest solution was to make me miserable and angry with him thus it was my fault for driving him away, or better still, he was staying away to make be feel better and I should appreciate it.
It's all just the lie they tell so they can drink and not be accountable.
It makes me sad that you are going through this. I feel for the hurt and frstruation you have over his actions. This is his choice, it's true. He has chosen to return to drinking because it is what he wants or feels he needs to do. The blame and hurt he puts on you and the kids is just the lie he's telling so he doesn't have to admit to his accountability.
I would be feeling pretty damn awful myself if I stayed away from something unhealthy for so long (for me now that would be smoking) and then made the choice to go back to it. I'd want to put those awful feelings on someone else, too, to make myself feel better.
Pity.
Hang in there,
Alice
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