What are my boundaries?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4
What are my boundaries?
Hi,
I'm new to the SR Community, but I'm hoping I can find help and support here. I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic, and I want to know what are my boundaries when it comes to my boyfriend's recovery. He has been an alcoholic for many years, and he has experienced periods of sobriety. His latest sober period was May or June 2009 to October 2009.
Recently he's been slipping back into his old habits, and I just don't know how much more I can take. He is really down and out because he can't find a job, so every now and then he asks me for money (although I really don't have a lot to spare). Sometimes it is for things like toothpaste, toilet paper, etc., but other times I can hear the slurred speech, and I know he wants it for alcohol. When I call him on it, he gets really angry. For example, yesterday he called me and asked for money to buy some toiletries (but he didn't sound like he had been drinking), so I went to the ATM and got some money for him. However, when I dropped off the money, he smelled of alcohol. On top of it, he tried to "get romantic," which completely turned me off and my unwillingness to give in made him angry. I blatantly asked him if he had been drinking, and he gave me some line about "I'm not perfect," and "Ain't nothing changed." When we talked later on, he informed me that he was angry because I had called him out on his drinking, and then told me never to do that to an alcoholic because it causes resentment.
What am I supposed to do? I'm fed up. I've remained silent about his addiction for a good portion of our relationship (we've been together 4 years). When he's been drinking, he tries to divert my attention away from it, but recently I have been calling him out on it more and more because I'm tired of acting like nothing is wrong just to keep him happy. Is it a bad idea to hold him accountable for his actions?
I'm new to the SR Community, but I'm hoping I can find help and support here. I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic, and I want to know what are my boundaries when it comes to my boyfriend's recovery. He has been an alcoholic for many years, and he has experienced periods of sobriety. His latest sober period was May or June 2009 to October 2009.
Recently he's been slipping back into his old habits, and I just don't know how much more I can take. He is really down and out because he can't find a job, so every now and then he asks me for money (although I really don't have a lot to spare). Sometimes it is for things like toothpaste, toilet paper, etc., but other times I can hear the slurred speech, and I know he wants it for alcohol. When I call him on it, he gets really angry. For example, yesterday he called me and asked for money to buy some toiletries (but he didn't sound like he had been drinking), so I went to the ATM and got some money for him. However, when I dropped off the money, he smelled of alcohol. On top of it, he tried to "get romantic," which completely turned me off and my unwillingness to give in made him angry. I blatantly asked him if he had been drinking, and he gave me some line about "I'm not perfect," and "Ain't nothing changed." When we talked later on, he informed me that he was angry because I had called him out on his drinking, and then told me never to do that to an alcoholic because it causes resentment.
What am I supposed to do? I'm fed up. I've remained silent about his addiction for a good portion of our relationship (we've been together 4 years). When he's been drinking, he tries to divert my attention away from it, but recently I have been calling him out on it more and more because I'm tired of acting like nothing is wrong just to keep him happy. Is it a bad idea to hold him accountable for his actions?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
SS82 WELCOME!
It's never a bad idea to hold them accountable... but the other side of the coin is what are you doing to take care of you.
His grumbling is a bunch of noise and crap... evidently he's been looking for a job at the liquor store... truly... if he wanted a job... he would find one... even if it pays minimum wage. He finds a way to get to the liquor store, etc... but misses the ride to free seminars to better himself for the workforce.... Puuuullleeeasssee....
Obviously he has no pride... taking money (and/or begging) from you... if he asks for more money for toiletries... I believe I'd hand him a roll of toilet paper and tell him to get busy cuz he's full of b.s.
What is important is that you are beginning to question... he doesn't like that... so naturally he wants to change the subject.... so the next time he asks you for money.... change the subject.... that's a good place to start.
Read as much as you can... this place is full of love and experience... all at your disposal...
Take care of you and keep coming back.
It's never a bad idea to hold them accountable... but the other side of the coin is what are you doing to take care of you.
His grumbling is a bunch of noise and crap... evidently he's been looking for a job at the liquor store... truly... if he wanted a job... he would find one... even if it pays minimum wage. He finds a way to get to the liquor store, etc... but misses the ride to free seminars to better himself for the workforce.... Puuuullleeeasssee....
Obviously he has no pride... taking money (and/or begging) from you... if he asks for more money for toiletries... I believe I'd hand him a roll of toilet paper and tell him to get busy cuz he's full of b.s.
What is important is that you are beginning to question... he doesn't like that... so naturally he wants to change the subject.... so the next time he asks you for money.... change the subject.... that's a good place to start.
Read as much as you can... this place is full of love and experience... all at your disposal...
Take care of you and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
A possible boundary for you would be that he does not have access to your bank account, wallet, piggy bank, etc. There is a field that you own. It has a fence around it. Inside the field is your money: furniture, assets, cash. You CAN allow him in when he comes and asks for entry, but you do not HAVE to. You can keep the gate closed. That fence and its gate are a boundary around what belongs to you -- the fence is there to protect. But if you keep the gate open, all kinds of critters can come on in and dig up your garden, take your produce (money) etc.
Conversation:
"Uh, I just need a few bucks to get some deodorant."
"Ya know, I don't have any extra to spare."
"C'mon, I'll pay you back"
"Sorry."
" "
" "
"C'mon, I need this. It's not like for beer or anything."
"Sorry"
You need courage to do this. Your palms will sweat and you may lose your nerve the first time. But persist, and it will get easier. One day you'll do it without batting an eye. And wonder why it was so darn hard back in the day.
And once he knows where that fence is, after a few tries, he will stop asking for entry.
Conversation:
"Uh, I just need a few bucks to get some deodorant."
"Ya know, I don't have any extra to spare."
"C'mon, I'll pay you back"
"Sorry."
" "
" "
"C'mon, I need this. It's not like for beer or anything."
"Sorry"
You need courage to do this. Your palms will sweat and you may lose your nerve the first time. But persist, and it will get easier. One day you'll do it without batting an eye. And wonder why it was so darn hard back in the day.
And once he knows where that fence is, after a few tries, he will stop asking for entry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your input. It feels good to talk to someone who knows what I'm talking about and can offer good advice. Now I just have to build up the courage to do the things I have to do.
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