Are there any options?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 10
Are there any options?
My AH and I had another long conversation last night. He came to me to tell me how my behavior is making him so unhappy and is causing all of our fights. I gently pointed out how the majority of his demands are completely irrational (who on earth cleans all baseboards and the ceiling fans every day especially when taking care of three children). I led him to the fact that he is miserable right now, that he is unhappy with every aspect of his life, that we have been pouring a ton of money and time into finding things that might possibly make him "happy". He started out thinking all of this is all my fault (as I've always taken the blame) and slowly came to the realization that nothing I can do will make him happy. He has to make himself happy. I tried to tie all of this in with his alcoholism but I'm not sure if he really accepts that.
So, he doesn't want to do AA. The only way to recovery that I've heard of is through AA. Are there any other options for recovery? My only other thoughts are some type of a church (and I'm not sure how well that would work as my AH is an athiest) or intensive counseling. Any other thoughts?
So, he doesn't want to do AA. The only way to recovery that I've heard of is through AA. Are there any other options for recovery? My only other thoughts are some type of a church (and I'm not sure how well that would work as my AH is an athiest) or intensive counseling. Any other thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Welcome to SR FL!
The only recovery you are in control of is your own. So, instead of focusing on how to get HIM to recovery, focus on you. What makes you happy? How can you find peace? What did you do today for yourself?
Have you tried Al-Anon? Church is a great option, if that is what YOU want. We have to detach, and remember our recovery is our own, just as theirs is their own. Hands off is so hard, but making changes in you will make you happier!
The only recovery you are in control of is your own. So, instead of focusing on how to get HIM to recovery, focus on you. What makes you happy? How can you find peace? What did you do today for yourself?
Have you tried Al-Anon? Church is a great option, if that is what YOU want. We have to detach, and remember our recovery is our own, just as theirs is their own. Hands off is so hard, but making changes in you will make you happier!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
ForeverLearning...first off WELCOME TO SR!! I'm very glad you found this place. The people here are awesome supportive and kind.
Next, let me remind you of the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
Examine your own post...do you see that you are attempting to cure/help your husband when the fact is you simply do not have the power to do this? The only thing you have power over is yourself.
Your husband obviously does not want recovery; he may never want it. So it's time to step away from the alkie and focus on the most important person in the world: YOU!
So tell us about yourself...who are you? What do you want out of life? Where will you be in 5 years?
Keep posting!
Next, let me remind you of the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
Examine your own post...do you see that you are attempting to cure/help your husband when the fact is you simply do not have the power to do this? The only thing you have power over is yourself.
Your husband obviously does not want recovery; he may never want it. So it's time to step away from the alkie and focus on the most important person in the world: YOU!
So tell us about yourself...who are you? What do you want out of life? Where will you be in 5 years?
Keep posting!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi FL!
There are plenty of secular recovery programs available. There is even a form on these boards for alternatives to the traditional 12-step programs. I hope that your husband truly wants recovery. Please focus YOUR energies on yourself and your own happiness!!!
Huge hugs, HG
There are plenty of secular recovery programs available. There is even a form on these boards for alternatives to the traditional 12-step programs. I hope that your husband truly wants recovery. Please focus YOUR energies on yourself and your own happiness!!!
Huge hugs, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 10
Interesting responses. Gives me a lot to think over. Forgive me if I sound stupid, this is all just really new to me.
I am attending Al-Anon meetings, reading the literature, etc. A lot of it really resonates with me. I'm working on dealing with my stuff. Trying to figure out what would make me happy and how I am going to achieve that.
I really don't think I can cure him. I've tried for years to control him. I definitely no longer believe I caused all of this. That actually was the basis of our discussion yesterday. However, if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
I am attending Al-Anon meetings, reading the literature, etc. A lot of it really resonates with me. I'm working on dealing with my stuff. Trying to figure out what would make me happy and how I am going to achieve that.
I really don't think I can cure him. I've tried for years to control him. I definitely no longer believe I caused all of this. That actually was the basis of our discussion yesterday. However, if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
You do what you think you need to do for you. (That's a cop out answer right?)
However, if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
He is an active A, not a rational healthy person. THe rules or normal logic, friendship and rationality do not apply when dealing with an active A.
I suggest reading up on alcoholism and reading Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie.
However, if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
He is an active A, not a rational healthy person. THe rules or normal logic, friendship and rationality do not apply when dealing with an active A.
I suggest reading up on alcoholism and reading Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You are not dealing with a 'rational' nor 'logical' person. You are dealing with addiction.
Here is the translation when he asks for help:
"You find me options and when none of them work because I only worked them 'halfheartedly' or not at all, it will be all your fault."
When an alcoholic is finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, he/she will find their own options.
There are more than several of us on here in the 'Family' forums that are recovering from our own addiction problems myself included.
Please focus on you, you cannot 'help' him on this one. He has to do this one himself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Here is the translation when he asks for help:
"You find me options and when none of them work because I only worked them 'halfheartedly' or not at all, it will be all your fault."
When an alcoholic is finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, he/she will find their own options.
There are more than several of us on here in the 'Family' forums that are recovering from our own addiction problems myself included.
Please focus on you, you cannot 'help' him on this one. He has to do this one himself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
You do what you think you need to do for you. (That's a cop out answer right?)
However, if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
He is an active A, not a rational healthy person. THe rules or normal logic, friendship and rationality do not apply when dealing with an active A.
I suggest reading up on alcoholism and reading Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie.
However, if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
He is an active A, not a rational healthy person. THe rules or normal logic, friendship and rationality do not apply when dealing with an active A.
I suggest reading up on alcoholism and reading Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie.
Normal, healthy people are wired differently than the A. The A just doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand how a real relationship works.
The only person you can control or change is you. Period. No matter how hard it is to say NO to them, you are truly doing them a favor by making them responsible. That is a concept the A just cannot grasp! This is why they are so quick to blame us, and we feel the need to pick up their pieces.
Hugs! Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Originally Posted by ForeverLearning
if he asks me for help, am I supposed to say "figure it out on your own?" In my world, when someone is a friend or part of my family, I do what I can to help them, as long as it isn't harming me. Is that dysfunctional thinking? He is going to have to do the work but I can help him come up with options, right?
If he wants to get sober, why isn't he posting on here asking these questions/ trying to find other options?
I know a few places in my area that would be good treatment centers for AH and know where to find AA meetings etc. (because I did ALL the work FOR HIM when I was still in "I can control this" mode - btw dragging him out to the treatment center I found really didn't end up working - mainly because I made him do something he didn't want to do). So, if AH would come up to me now asking where to turn to, I would give him some options that he could look up online - BUT it would be his responsibility to do the rest of the work (I would still support him, i.e. if he asks for a ride to treatment and sets up the times etc. I would give him a ride, because he doesn't have a license and public transportation won't get him everywhere).
If you don't know any other options than what you've already told him (i.e. AA), then I feel it is on him to find other options... you might suggest: why don't you go online and see what's out there, open the phone book, etc. and you'll be available if he wants to bounce some ideas around and talk things over regarding financing, etc. Why should you be the one doing all the work FOR him? Is he looking into finding you a good counselor so that you can work through your issues? My guess is probably not and why should he - you know best what type of counselor might be a good fit and you should be able to make that choice yourself! So let him make his choice himself!
Here's a quote I really like (from a member here on SR - sorry not sure who the original poster is) - note the difference between enabling and help:
Help is what I do for others who _can not_ do it for themselves.
Enabling is what I do for others who _can_ do for it for themselves.
If I say it without being asked; it is meddling.
If I say it twice; it is manipulation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Great points above. This is probably my biggest frustration. How do I respond when my wife asks me why I am not supporting her or trying to help her. I keep telling her I can only support her if she is trying to change something. This always disolves into the vicious circle argument that if I was more supportive that it would help her. I do not buy into that anymore, but I am tired of fighting every night.
My question is how do I respond when she is trying to pick a fight every night. We have young kids and I want to avoid conflict in front of them at all costs. How do I respond to her saying I do not care?
Al Anon is tremendously helpful. Still pretty new, not yet 6 meetings. I am currently reading Codependent no More and it is fascinating! It is a great read. I am trying to encourage my wife because she is the absolute definition of Codependent (her mom is alcoholic and has been most of her life) She is following the same pattern. If it was not so tragic, it is absolutely stunning to see her life play out this way after we have dealt with her Mom for all these years.
Thanks to all that contribute on this forum. It is a very inspiring place!
My question is how do I respond when she is trying to pick a fight every night. We have young kids and I want to avoid conflict in front of them at all costs. How do I respond to her saying I do not care?
Al Anon is tremendously helpful. Still pretty new, not yet 6 meetings. I am currently reading Codependent no More and it is fascinating! It is a great read. I am trying to encourage my wife because she is the absolute definition of Codependent (her mom is alcoholic and has been most of her life) She is following the same pattern. If it was not so tragic, it is absolutely stunning to see her life play out this way after we have dealt with her Mom for all these years.
Thanks to all that contribute on this forum. It is a very inspiring place!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Welcome Foerverlearning -
you asked about alternative programs - maybe run over to the Alcoholism Threads- there's resources there for numerous methodoligies of recovery.
But I have to tell you straight up -
if he's expecting YOU to come up with a program
that he doesn't have to change anything to accomplish ....
... that doesn't exist.
It is my personal experience
that the people who come here
and say they want to quit drinking
but the refuse to evern find out about AA
are the very people
who don't really want to change.
Because -
when your'e ready for ths madness to stop
you'll do anything.
And those ... are the people who quit.
right now from your sharing
it appears to me that he's not there yet.
He's sending you out
like a dutiful secretrary
to find it for him.
He'll probably want you to find out about fees
meeting times
who's going to be there....
see what I'm saying?
So far he's not lifted a finger.
I've never seen that way work.
There's always a first time though.
you asked about alternative programs - maybe run over to the Alcoholism Threads- there's resources there for numerous methodoligies of recovery.
But I have to tell you straight up -
if he's expecting YOU to come up with a program
that he doesn't have to change anything to accomplish ....
... that doesn't exist.
It is my personal experience
that the people who come here
and say they want to quit drinking
but the refuse to evern find out about AA
are the very people
who don't really want to change.
Because -
when your'e ready for ths madness to stop
you'll do anything.
And those ... are the people who quit.
right now from your sharing
it appears to me that he's not there yet.
He's sending you out
like a dutiful secretrary
to find it for him.
He'll probably want you to find out about fees
meeting times
who's going to be there....
see what I'm saying?
So far he's not lifted a finger.
I've never seen that way work.
There's always a first time though.
Last edited by barb dwyer; 03-12-2010 at 03:56 PM. Reason: typo overload - LOL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi ForeverLearning,
I don't have any sage advice to offer, but wanted to welcome you to SR. It's been SO helpful for me to be here, I'm sure you'll find the same. I started to going to Alanon last Fall, and joined this forum last month. Welcome!
posie
I don't have any sage advice to offer, but wanted to welcome you to SR. It's been SO helpful for me to be here, I'm sure you'll find the same. I started to going to Alanon last Fall, and joined this forum last month. Welcome!
posie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi and welcome, ForeverLearning,
I ran after my now RABF, cared for him during hundreds of withdrawals, and nearly drove myself into the grave with stress caused cardiac attacks. May as well have sat in a corner and hummed to myself for all the good it did for his alkie problem.
It was only when I said, "enough, no more" and left him to his own devices that, after a real binge, he found help, and got himself into a program of D and A Counselling, as he refuses to go to AA anymore.
I now keep hands off, no longer tip toe around him if he says something I disagree with, or whatever, and let him know how I feel there and then.
I finally got it!!! He has the problem and he knows what to do to fix it.
Hope your man finally gets off your back, and does what he needs for himself.
God bless
I ran after my now RABF, cared for him during hundreds of withdrawals, and nearly drove myself into the grave with stress caused cardiac attacks. May as well have sat in a corner and hummed to myself for all the good it did for his alkie problem.
It was only when I said, "enough, no more" and left him to his own devices that, after a real binge, he found help, and got himself into a program of D and A Counselling, as he refuses to go to AA anymore.
I now keep hands off, no longer tip toe around him if he says something I disagree with, or whatever, and let him know how I feel there and then.
I finally got it!!! He has the problem and he knows what to do to fix it.
Hope your man finally gets off your back, and does what he needs for himself.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
forever learning - you said that you wanted to "tie in" alcoholism with the happiness theme. you said he does not wish to do a.a. so...has he actually admitted to having a problem with alcohol?
i wonder why he has decided he doesn't want to do aa - has he had an experience with it? i think a lot of folks who don't want to go the aa route believe that they can come up with a better way (for them) to get sober. that is possibly true, but in my opinion, doubtful. it's that thing they have about being different than the other drunks/addicts out there. (see thread "terminal uniqueness")
you may see a connection between unhappiness and alcoholism, but he really has to connect the dots or it's an excercise in futility.
sting - perhaps we should start up a thread with just that topic that you raise - then you will get dedicated responses to your questions.
i do think there are ways to not engage and not have the fights as often.
i wonder why he has decided he doesn't want to do aa - has he had an experience with it? i think a lot of folks who don't want to go the aa route believe that they can come up with a better way (for them) to get sober. that is possibly true, but in my opinion, doubtful. it's that thing they have about being different than the other drunks/addicts out there. (see thread "terminal uniqueness")
you may see a connection between unhappiness and alcoholism, but he really has to connect the dots or it's an excercise in futility.
sting - perhaps we should start up a thread with just that topic that you raise - then you will get dedicated responses to your questions.
i do think there are ways to not engage and not have the fights as often.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 10
More interesting replies. Forgive me for being so dense, please, and remember how new I am to all of this.
I understand he needs to take initiative. He needs to be in charge of his recovery. However, as I am home all day and have the means at my disposal to do research and he doesn't, how is it bad for me to be exploring options?
He wouldn't be out looking for counselors for me, but that isn't part of his nature. He works all day to support our children and me. My job is to take care of our household, including making doctor's appointments etc, budget and pay the bills, take care of our children and go to school full time.
My understanding of alcoholism is that it is a disease. If a family member had cancer, I would research things and try to explore options that they might not have found. Just because he is an alcoholic, he is expected to fend for himself? That doesn't seem right to me. I understand that I am not dealing with someone who has charge of his full mental capacity, but doesn't that mean it is even more imperative that I assist him?
He has had many experiences with AA. He was involved with it for quite some time, at one point even living in a sober house when I kicked him out for his abuse. His father has 20+ years in recovery due to AA. I'm not sure why my husband is resistant to AA but I know it is not my place to insist on it. I'm not a mental health expert so I honestly don't know that his issues are due to his alcoholism. I strongly suspect it but I don't know. He wavers back and forth. While I think he believes he is an alcoholic (with the evidence we have I'm not sure how anyone could dispute that fact!), at times he seems to blame everyone else for his misery and at times he seems to realize that maybe it is internal.
I am reading several books about codependency, one of which is by the author of Codependent No More. Codependent No More was not at the library so I couldn't get it but I've put it on hold. I'm also reading other books about living with an alcoholic.
I'm still not sure about the whole codependency thing though. While I understand the concept and see that I have tendencies to overdo it, I also think that as a human being some degree of codependency is unavoidable. So I'm interested in how some of these books play out. I also am not interested in blaming my AH for all of our problems which seems to be pretty common. I think I have had a hand in our issues as well. However, I don't think we can work on any of our issues until he is no longer miserable because he is so irrational.
Hmm. Wonder how much of this is rationalization?
I understand he needs to take initiative. He needs to be in charge of his recovery. However, as I am home all day and have the means at my disposal to do research and he doesn't, how is it bad for me to be exploring options?
He wouldn't be out looking for counselors for me, but that isn't part of his nature. He works all day to support our children and me. My job is to take care of our household, including making doctor's appointments etc, budget and pay the bills, take care of our children and go to school full time.
My understanding of alcoholism is that it is a disease. If a family member had cancer, I would research things and try to explore options that they might not have found. Just because he is an alcoholic, he is expected to fend for himself? That doesn't seem right to me. I understand that I am not dealing with someone who has charge of his full mental capacity, but doesn't that mean it is even more imperative that I assist him?
He has had many experiences with AA. He was involved with it for quite some time, at one point even living in a sober house when I kicked him out for his abuse. His father has 20+ years in recovery due to AA. I'm not sure why my husband is resistant to AA but I know it is not my place to insist on it. I'm not a mental health expert so I honestly don't know that his issues are due to his alcoholism. I strongly suspect it but I don't know. He wavers back and forth. While I think he believes he is an alcoholic (with the evidence we have I'm not sure how anyone could dispute that fact!), at times he seems to blame everyone else for his misery and at times he seems to realize that maybe it is internal.
I am reading several books about codependency, one of which is by the author of Codependent No More. Codependent No More was not at the library so I couldn't get it but I've put it on hold. I'm also reading other books about living with an alcoholic.
I'm still not sure about the whole codependency thing though. While I understand the concept and see that I have tendencies to overdo it, I also think that as a human being some degree of codependency is unavoidable. So I'm interested in how some of these books play out. I also am not interested in blaming my AH for all of our problems which seems to be pretty common. I think I have had a hand in our issues as well. However, I don't think we can work on any of our issues until he is no longer miserable because he is so irrational.
Hmm. Wonder how much of this is rationalization?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The deal with recovery is that the ALCOHOLIC has to do the work for recovery. Otherwise it's not recovery. It's just more enabling on your part.
A good rule of thumb is:
Never do for an addict/alcoholic what they can do for themselves.
It hurts them more than helps them - and feeds our own addiction to enabling, caretaking, and trying to control someone else.
Happiness is a choice we make. Sounds like he's choosing to be miserable.
How's your al-anon meeting going? Are you working the steps? Do you have a sponsor? Sounds like that may be a good starting point for you.
A good rule of thumb is:
Never do for an addict/alcoholic what they can do for themselves.
It hurts them more than helps them - and feeds our own addiction to enabling, caretaking, and trying to control someone else.
Happiness is a choice we make. Sounds like he's choosing to be miserable.
How's your al-anon meeting going? Are you working the steps? Do you have a sponsor? Sounds like that may be a good starting point for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 10
I've only gone to a couple of Al-Anon meetings. My time is limited as to when I can attend but I am trying. As for getting a sponsor and working the steps, I can't wait. I don't know anyone well enough yet to ask them.
I've read the literature and while a lot of it really clicks with me, some of it leaves me scratching my head. It seems very black and white to me. I'm not a black and white person, I see many shades of gray.
I'm sure better understanding will come with time and exposure.
Thanks again for the input. This is all so puzzling to me.
I've read the literature and while a lot of it really clicks with me, some of it leaves me scratching my head. It seems very black and white to me. I'm not a black and white person, I see many shades of gray.
I'm sure better understanding will come with time and exposure.
Thanks again for the input. This is all so puzzling to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I understand he needs to take initiative. He needs to be in charge of his recovery. However, as I am home all day and have the means at my disposal to do research and he doesn't, how is it bad for me to be exploring options? You shouldn't. By doing so, you are taking the step for him. Enabling him.
He wouldn't be out looking for counselors for me, but that isn't part of his nature. He works all day to support our children and me. My job is to take care of our household, including making doctor's appointments etc, budget and pay the bills, take care of our children and go to school full time. So, in a way, you are saying that because he works, supports his kids and you (which by the way all fathers and husbands are suppose to do!) - that taking care of this problem is also your responsibility? No..... it's not. It would be wasted efforts on your part.
My understanding of alcoholism is that it is a disease. If a family member had cancer, I would research things and try to explore options that they might not have found. Just because he is an alcoholic, he is expected to fend for himself? That doesn't seem right to me. I understand that I am not dealing with someone who has charge of his full mental capacity, but doesn't that mean it is even more imperative that I assist him? The difference here is that it is a self-inflicted disease. Brought on by his own freewill and choices. You can argue that it being a disease, he can't help it... but he can. No different than if someone had diabetes and refused to take meds to control it. Their choice, and a bad one at that!
He has had many experiences with AA. He was involved with it for quite some time, at one point even living in a sober house when I kicked him out for his abuse. His father has 20+ years in recovery due to AA. I'm not sure why my husband is resistant to AA but I know it is not my place to insist on it. I'm not a mental health expert so I honestly don't know that his issues are due to his alcoholism. I strongly suspect it but I don't know. He wavers back and forth. While I think he believes he is an alcoholic (with the evidence we have I'm not sure how anyone could dispute that fact!), at times he seems to blame everyone else for his misery and at times he seems to realize that maybe it is internal. He's not looking inwardly enough... but if he can blame it on external circumstances, he will. Which will allow him to continue.
I am reading several books about codependency, one of which is by the author of Codependent No More. Codependent No More was not at the library so I couldn't get it but I've put it on hold. I'm also reading other books about living with an alcoholic. The "Getting them Sober" books are a good educational read too, you might give them a try.
I'm still not sure about the whole codependency thing though. While I understand the concept and see that I have tendencies to overdo it, I also think that as a human being some degree of codependency is unavoidable. So I'm interested in how some of these books play out. I also am not interested in blaming my AH for all of our problems which seems to be pretty common. I think I have had a hand in our issues as well. However, I don't think we can work on any of our issues until he is no longer miserable because he is so irrational.
Hmm. Wonder how much of this is rationalization?
He wouldn't be out looking for counselors for me, but that isn't part of his nature. He works all day to support our children and me. My job is to take care of our household, including making doctor's appointments etc, budget and pay the bills, take care of our children and go to school full time. So, in a way, you are saying that because he works, supports his kids and you (which by the way all fathers and husbands are suppose to do!) - that taking care of this problem is also your responsibility? No..... it's not. It would be wasted efforts on your part.
My understanding of alcoholism is that it is a disease. If a family member had cancer, I would research things and try to explore options that they might not have found. Just because he is an alcoholic, he is expected to fend for himself? That doesn't seem right to me. I understand that I am not dealing with someone who has charge of his full mental capacity, but doesn't that mean it is even more imperative that I assist him? The difference here is that it is a self-inflicted disease. Brought on by his own freewill and choices. You can argue that it being a disease, he can't help it... but he can. No different than if someone had diabetes and refused to take meds to control it. Their choice, and a bad one at that!
He has had many experiences with AA. He was involved with it for quite some time, at one point even living in a sober house when I kicked him out for his abuse. His father has 20+ years in recovery due to AA. I'm not sure why my husband is resistant to AA but I know it is not my place to insist on it. I'm not a mental health expert so I honestly don't know that his issues are due to his alcoholism. I strongly suspect it but I don't know. He wavers back and forth. While I think he believes he is an alcoholic (with the evidence we have I'm not sure how anyone could dispute that fact!), at times he seems to blame everyone else for his misery and at times he seems to realize that maybe it is internal. He's not looking inwardly enough... but if he can blame it on external circumstances, he will. Which will allow him to continue.
I am reading several books about codependency, one of which is by the author of Codependent No More. Codependent No More was not at the library so I couldn't get it but I've put it on hold. I'm also reading other books about living with an alcoholic. The "Getting them Sober" books are a good educational read too, you might give them a try.
I'm still not sure about the whole codependency thing though. While I understand the concept and see that I have tendencies to overdo it, I also think that as a human being some degree of codependency is unavoidable. So I'm interested in how some of these books play out. I also am not interested in blaming my AH for all of our problems which seems to be pretty common. I think I have had a hand in our issues as well. However, I don't think we can work on any of our issues until he is no longer miserable because he is so irrational.
Hmm. Wonder how much of this is rationalization?
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