The Logic Never Ceases To Amaze...

Old 03-11-2010, 01:44 PM
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The Logic Never Ceases To Amaze...

So xABF thinks us being more serious and involved would "fix" him. He wrote to me!

Of course, this is ridiculous...and makes no sense. But I do feel good knowing he still loves me. I'm still stickin' to my guns! He's not comin near me until he's in recovery. And even if then, its going to be slowwww. He still has this belief it seems that he's still a good guy. Um yeah, we've covered that..you're great but you need help! LOL geez. I feel so strong to be like "talk to me when you're in recovery! Until then..bye-bye sweetheart. Its so simple. I don't know why I didn't think having that boundary would work for me. So simple. I don't accept dating an addict! I don't care who you are! How much I love you! Its unacceptable. What he chooses to do with my expectations is his problem/choice. Aha! dance8:

Regardless, its gorgeous outside and I feel really good about acknowledging my part in all of this (cleared things up after he initiated contact a while back) and I feel at peace with whatever happens. Still working on further detachment and I'm in a good place. I don't feel angry and things are clear.
Having the space has really helped.

I really realize how holding on so tightly has just been really a fear of an outcome. In reality, no onw knows what could happen. With anything. So I've created a safe place for me hangin' loose sort of and it feels really good. Must be the sun
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Old 03-11-2010, 02:39 PM
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Thanks for the motivation! : )
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:06 PM
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I remember when I thought separating from XABF and living on my own would be impossible. I don't know what I thought would happen to me exactly, but I was convinced that life would just end somehow. Well, it doesn't end. Shocking!

It really can be done. You really can go no contact with an addict. You really can refuse contact unless it's over XYZ and stick to that rule. You really can live without addiciton in your life day in and day out.

Why is it so unfathomable at the time we are in it???

So glad you are finding strength in your boundaries and joy in living life on your own terms for your helath and not for his addiction.

Alice
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:32 PM
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I really realize how holding on so tightly has just been really a fear of an outcome.
*does the happy dance WITH you!!!!! *

"
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Old 03-12-2010, 05:24 PM
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Thanks all for sharing what your XABFs say and do. IT makes me go "wow interacting would only be WORSE than hearing nothing at all"

Its hell whichever way you want to see it. Not to play. Not to play. Lately I have to interact more but that is my motto lately "I am NOT playing"

And that's all.
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:16 PM
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Thanks guys..yeah wow life does go on! And I feel better about myself! Shocking.

O boy and since I've been so strong in my convictions..Xabf doesn't like that very much.
He wrote to me saying "I should accept him as he is and he's always been or just forget it." LOL. okay. Its so transparent! He feels me gaining control of my boundaries..so he needs to gain control. He knows I care so he's using that as leverage. Well go ahead and watch me forget it! He was all like "if you can't see me or speak to me..then don't even write." Haha! He's so right! I felt a twinge of anger and hurt, but I know that its just a sick way of trying to get me to falter! And falter I will not sistas!

I want to push his buttons write back cuz I can, but I won't.

A simple "you're right. take care. here if you're in recovery." will do.

or a no response, even better. But man I just want to be short and sweet cuz he's expecting to get me. Its almost like him being mean used to make me weak to him. Like okay, if you feel that way I'll do anything to prove that's not how it is. I'll be better for you. Ugh I became a subservient through to explosions statements. Like "just forget it..its over...OR..it's a loosing battle." And I would be like "Oh noo, you poor thing, no and I'm going to prove to you I'll stick out.

**** no. I can love you and let it go. As you wish you piece of ****. He can't handle complying with my boundaries b.c that means let go of his love....So he just wants to **** on my parade because the choice is tough for him. It's like a child. "I'm not your best friend anymore"

TIME OUT, then. Goodbye.
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:20 PM
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A simple "you're right. take care. here if you're in recovery." will do.

Best to not say anything, but if you absolutely must, I'd leave off the "here if you're in recovery."
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:27 PM
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thanks for the reply Suki!!!

I was like...I really hope someone replies with an answer!
Do u mean leave off with "..."?
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:33 PM
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If you feel the need to reply at all, a simple "you're right. take care." would suffice. Otherwise, you leave the door open for him to manipulate you.
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:39 PM
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Thank you! I think I agree..
but even if mean it? (god I think that possibly is a stupid question).
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:43 PM
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Just because you want to say you'll be waiting if he gets into recovery doesn't mean you have to say it. It's too easy for them to pretend, or say the right things to make you THINK they are working on recovery. Let him wonder if you'd be willing to rethink things on down the road. Don't leave him an open door!

BUT...don't sit around waiting for him. Go on and live your life and concentrate on what makes you happy. He may or may not be a part of your future, but you can't let the now pass you by waiting on something that might not ever happen.
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:48 PM
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I told him i was working on letting go ya no. So he was all like 'accept me as i am and how i've always been or let go.'

yet, anytime he goes there. HE tries to get me back. HA!

I want so badly to say " o, i let go EVERDAY, sweetheart. Everyday."

but maybe I should keep that as my mantra instead. I swear I could tattoo that. "Letting go everyday"

Thanks Suki. Very, very helpful.

I'm going to try biting my tongue. But I want to punch him right back a bit. I'm going no response. When I watch the children I nanny for...when they say things like "I don't like you anymore.." etc, etc. I just ignore it. Its the same thing. Same thing EXACTLY. You're so right. I'm goin' no response. I mean what does one say to that? Its not even answerable. Because its a stab.
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:53 PM
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"I should accept him as he is and he's always been or just forget it."
change that to :

"Accept him as he is and as he was AND just forget it."

That's kinda like this Huna-person taught me once:

You sit alone ... just quiet... no drama music...

Accept it as it is.
Completely.
Then...
Accept it ... as it ISN'T...
completely.
Then ...
As it WAS...

continue...

As it WILL BE...

then the big one -
As it will NEVER be....

when you've done each ... completely....

you have ALREADY let it go.

takes a little parctice.

I haven't thought about that in a LONG time...

I oughta go do that myself about the whole 'family' crap...
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Old 03-12-2010, 08:53 PM
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Well, he is right...you do need to either accept him as he is now, or let him go. Those are your only two real choices. If the way he is right now, today, is not what you want, then you should let him go. He has the right to live his life however he wants. But then, so do you. The thing is, you can't control him, you can only control yourself. You can't sit around waiting for him to be what you want him to be. He is what he is. So...do you want what he is, or not?
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Old 03-12-2010, 09:14 PM
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yes, yes. I know that's why it stung. And no I don't.

Makes me mad as hell the more I talk about it. He said I was "playing games" with him. I'm not playing games. I simply said that I care and I don't want this in my life!
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. (Me!)

He's expressed he wants help before and that he was scared. That's why i gave it so many shots before. HE confided in me over and over. I guess I need to go to the "rejected by the reject" forum.
I was being peaceful and kind and explaining myself and my actions and he just flipped it.

If he wants me to let go? Then why the **** does HE contact me? And then flip it when I say see ya when you're sober?

Rarrr.
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Old 03-12-2010, 09:21 PM
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Yeah, but the thing is...you don't need to be explaining yourself and your actions. That just keeps the dance going. In all likelihood, he's not going to break up with you. He's going to keep doing what he's doing, waiting for YOU to break up with HIM. That way, he'll have an excuse to drink himself into oblivion and try to make you think it's all your fault.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:15 PM
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While the responses may feel good in the moment they do just keep the dance going. I no longer respond to the irrelavant stuff either and really - 98% of what comes out of my xah's mouth is irrelavant quacking.

Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
change that to :

"Accept him as he is and as he was AND just forget it."

That's kinda like this Huna-person taught me once:

You sit alone ... just quiet... no drama music...

Accept it as it is.
Completely.
Then...
Accept it ... as it ISN'T...
completely.
Then ...
As it WAS...

continue...

As it WILL BE...

then the big one -
As it will NEVER be....

when you've done each ... completely....

you have ALREADY let it go.

takes a little parctice.

I haven't thought about that in a LONG time...

I oughta go do that myself about the whole 'family' crap...
I love this. I grieved (grieve) more over the loss of the dream, the loss of what would never be, then I did over the loss of the actual relationship. Time and space might flip that around, or maybe I just waited so long to leave the grieving of that had already been done or was just burned out.

Originally Posted by MaryGoRound View Post
yes, yes. I know that's why it stung. And no I don't.

Makes me mad as hell the more I talk about it. He said I was "playing games" with him. I'm not playing games. I simply said that I care and I don't want this in my life!
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. (Me!) <snip> If he wants me to let go? Then why the **** does HE contact me? And then flip it when I say see ya when you're sober?

Rarrr.
I swear there is some master script out there they all read from! I have heard and deal with the same things!
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Old 03-13-2010, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Yeah, but the thing is...you don't need to be explaining yourself and your actions. That just keeps the dance going. In all likelihood, he's not going to break up with you. He's going to keep doing what he's doing, waiting for YOU to break up with HIM. That way, he'll have an excuse to drink himself into oblivion and try to make you think it's all your fault.
<<<bang>>>> <----that was this comment hitting me in the head! haha

YES YES YES, I used to keep the dance going by explaining myself and just recently, I stopped explaining myself. It's POINTLESS!
It's like trying to reason with a 3 yr old.
My boyfriend has never left me, it was me always leaving. He waits for me to leave so he can comfortably fit into his martyr role.
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Old 03-13-2010, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound View Post
O boy and since I've been so strong in my convictions..Xabf doesn't like that very much.
He wrote to me saying "I should accept him as he is and he's always been or just forget it." LOL. okay. Its so transparent! He feels me gaining control of my boundaries..so he needs to gain control. He knows I care so he's using that as leverage. Well go ahead and watch me forget it! He was all like "if you can't see me or speak to me..then don't even write." Haha! He's so right! I felt a twinge of anger and hurt, but I know that its just a sick way of trying to get me to falter! And falter I will not sistas!

This was taken from my own life...

My boyfriend does this dance as well. I call it "his deflated ego trip"
I'm trying SO HARD to detach from this behaviour of his and feel sorry he's so stunted!
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Old 03-13-2010, 09:57 AM
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This forum has been so much more helpful than Al-anon for me.

Its always good to know people have been through similar things.That never gets old.

Yeah Suki you are right. He's always been waiting for me to leave him. In the beginning: "go ahead leave, like everyone else" so I stayed to prove how strong I was. In the middle he would just disappear, and I would be really hurt thinking he just didn't want me. He says now he was intimidated and scared. Now I'm just not affected, or MUCH MUCH less affected by his actions and words. Its great. I didn't think I would get here.

This whole little spat started when he said You haven't even seen me with my nephews. You'd love it. You haven't seen all of me. Have you ever stopped to think that a serious shot with us might be the thing to fix me?"

this was after the message he wrote about "the extent to which he uses now"

and I said:

"I'm sure you're adorable with kids. And yeah I used to think that. Nothing will be different until..it is. Of course I'd love to get to know you more. SOBER!! and in recovery. Only you can fix you. Its tough..but if you wanted it you could do it."


and then responded with all of that garbage. Its definitely a tantrum. He's tried the other approaches that used to work and now he just just has claws out. Its the weekend, he must really be looking for a reason to drink.

So u guys just don't even say anything? LOL, I used to be like oh I don't want to him think that I'm rejecting him if I don't respond i want to see him...I don't want to loose him..blahblahblah...he's going to think that no matter what I do first of all. Second, he doesn't have discernment with me, why should I? And third, there really is no point in talking sense to a irrational person..no matter how rational he thinks he's being.
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