Summerpeach

umm, not if you abbreviate ;-)

I get chills when I read "soul hole"

brundle

Once. He promised to go to therapy to get me back. I told him to start going and then we would talk. I knew he was doing all kinds of other things too so I didn't expect much. As expected 3 months later no AA, no therapy and now he wants a divorce. I don't answer any of his calls any longer. It was 8 1/2 years of lies. Like the post above I am disposable. I did all the usual things at first. My old posts show the hard road it took to get me to this place. A heart broken codie; trapped in the web of my AH making.

But by the end there was no talking to him. Yes it still hurts that the person who is suppose to love me doesn't; but that wasn't happening with him either. Freedom is priceless. From this place I have a chance at healing and a life. With him there was just hurt and insanity. At some point someone had to love me. So I loved myself.

Hugs...

Summerpeach

Brundle, what a wonderful post. Lots of "food for thought" in there.

thank you

Insulated

At one point he really went too far and I suffered bodily harm, left and flew out of state for over a week. upon my return, i was very clear i only wanted my things in order for him to make room for the new girl. he stalked me, called me, managed to somehow finagle my cell phone out of the house I was staying in, called all the people in it making a complete a$$ out of himself. I told him point blank "would it make it easier for YOU if I told you I was seeing someone else?" (meanwhile he was running game on other women, and I knew this because I could retrieve his voice mails!) When the table began to shift, he even offered to pay my flight home early from out of state to come "home". Phah! nothing doing. He made an appointment to take us to couples counseling so that I, yes me, the sober chick, would see things more objectively and from his angle. He admitted the opiate addiction, affairs, in our first session. (did I mention he couldn't pay her???...) and the counselor was sitting about 5' away said to him "have you been drinking?" he admitted it. so the whole darned thing backfired, I should have ran out of there with my hair on fire. We got in the car and he stopped for a beer! the advice the counselor gave me still rings in my head

"until all addiction is erradicated, the relationship is not at a level to rebuild trust"

Summerpeach

Insulated: Amazing the game playing that takes place with addicts huh?!

How did you feel since his passing?

Insulated

I've been through a lot of stages. But now I feel a deep sense of relief. Sad but true. I realized (just yesterday and with the assistance of SR) that HE is the one that was walking, talking, acting like an idiot and everyone knew he was that far gone and screwed up a great thing at home. I'm moved and starting a new life with nothing, but it's better than the constant crisis and chaos!

nodaybut2day

I never left, nor even let myself *think* about leaving. That's how stubborn/dedicated I was to making the marriage work. I kept going back to the old adage "Behind every great man there is a good woman" etc etc, thinking I just had to stick it out and somehow it would work. All my passion and energy was turned into negativity trying to nag/manipulate my XAH into being what I thought he should be.

Things took a turn for the worse when I finally realized he was verbally abusing me and that his anger was unacceptable. I found SR, a social worker, a therapist, and suddenly I was saying things like "If you continue to speak to me in that way, I'm leaving". *I* meant I'd leave the room or leave the apartment, but not the marriage. *He* thought I was threatening to leave. In any case, SR, XAH's extreme narcissism and no dout a direct intervention from HP created a situation where XAH point blank asked me if I was leaving him. I only managed to squeak out a tiny "yes", before he blurted out that he wanted us to be over too. Then followed a weird period where we amicably planned our separation. Then the weirdness and threats started because XAH realized what he was losing...I had to "run away" to my parents' place to get away from him.

I think I "cooked" the idea of leaving for a long long time, recoiling every time because it felt wrong, or because I didn't want to have to coparent with someone like XAH, having seen the abuse he dished out on his 2nd and 3rd exes.

Eventually, it came down to him or me/my daughter, and I chose us over him and his addiction.

stella27

me too, noday. I somehow became convinced that it was my lot in life to support him and prop him up. I believed that I was "good for him." whatever that means. His friends had said that early on in our 15 year marriage. It took me a long time to realize that being "good for him" wasn't good for me, and as his drinking and verbal abuse increased, I began to realize that we were down to a "him or me" scenario.

Having 3 little children (8, 7 and 2) to care for made me realize that I needed to put all my chips on me because he was on a collision course that he couldn't be talked out of.

I was in the middle of sorting all that out when he walked out on me as described in my earlier post.

IamSaved

OH
MY
GAWWWWDDDDD

NoDay

This is EXACTLY how things played out with my XABF! HOLY MOLY! We did the same dance! I got CHILLS reading this!

It is the same script, exactly, as to how my leaving went down!

Addicts are truly all the same, aren't they? I have to sit and ponder on this one for awhile!!!

Summerpeach

It's not sad, I'm sure the peace you feel from being away from the chaos is freeing.

Good luck and stay strong :-)

Lilya

It´s the same here. I left my second ex-husband about 8 times, moved out twice but came back, then I really left and never came back.

When it´s over, the feelings don´t return.

Now I need to find out what forces are inside me who attract difficult, emotionally distant and unstable men. It´s a huge project and sometimes I find it too much work, but I did marry my unfinished businesses so to speak and to be free, I need to get closure with myself.

Summerpeach

I think it's all about unfinished business.

Thanks for sharing

alanonicnov2008

I actually left my recovering alcoholic boyfriend and I never knew him when he was drinking, but he had a sex addiction problem that he wasn't dealing with. It took me a year between the time I first realized he wasn't for me and when I finally left him. By the time I left he had said and done so many horrible things...I wish I had left the first time he crossed the line. It would have been my line in the sand and maybe, maybe he would have worked on himself. Now there is no chance.

My ex sent me in to Al Anon to "change me" and "make me a better person" to try to get me to tolerate the intolerable situation of being with someone who didn't have it in him to offer what I was looking for -- commitment, family. He told me that the reason he didn't want those things is that I wasn't good enough.

I finally realized what was really going on only about a month ago. I found some photos he had taken of a friend of his that were inappropriate, while he was in another city on business. I realized that for one year I was trying to fix us by fixing me and I wasn't the problem, he was.

We are always tempted to try to deal with it. But the reality is it shouldn't be torturous and painful. Relationships are impossible while there is active addiction. Making proper moral choices is impossible otherwise, and you can't have trust in a relationship without proper moral choices.

I wish I had gotten out sooner, but I got out, as many people have said in this thread, when I was ready to get out. It took me a year to see the truth. Now the relationship is so damaged we would never have a friendship, and for that I AM SO GRATEFUL.

Summerpeach

Hi Alanon, thanks for sharing. Sex addiction is a tough one. Most don't recover from this.

I wonder though, if every addict has a little ot that in them since many of them also cheat. That was crazy that he sent you so you could change.

How long ago did you get out? Are you in no contact with him?

alanonicnov2008

I went to a fascinating talk on Friday by John Bradshaw on moral intelligence. He talked about step 4 as a window to understanding the moral defects...but it takes an almost physiological change in an addict to behave in a moral fashion. They are so ruled by their addictive behaviors -- their means of self-soothing and escape -- that it takes a fundamental characteriological change and so many of them aren't ready or interested in that, they just want to stop killing themselves with booze. That was a very difficult thing to realize -- that wanting to stop drinking doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to be a better, more moral person.

I got out one month ago. I probably wouldn't have gotten out if I hadn't met someone else (a friend) who is also in AA who is showing the real character change. Talking to him about his transformation I realize it is possible for an alcoholic to exhibit real change, but he has to want it. For my ex bf his focus was to stop destroying himself through drinking. Stopping destructive behaviors toward others is not really on his list. He can talk the talk but he's still crawling in his addictions. I simply told him that I had a problem with some of his behaviors and he ran like hell. It took me a year to say anything, and this was a really painful year of me analyzing the hell out of myself and twisting and contorting myself so that I could ignore the very painful truth about him.

I'm still very triggered by it and I'm still far from being over it. There were some things that were said which I feel may leave permanent scars. I really made myself vulnerable to him by telling him what my dreams and goals were and he turned each one of them against me telling me I wasn't good enough or worthy of the things I wanted. My new friend is interested in dating and he keeps asking me what I'm looking for and I'm so afraid to tell him because I feel one day he will say the same things.

That's why I think it's so important to cut the line early with someone like this. If they say one verbally abusive thing, never look back. The words can sink in and stay there.

Summerpeach

This is three times this week the name John Bradshaw comes up! Ironic! Maybe I need to read his books.

The addict certainly has to want to make a complete and total moral/character change.
I've witnessed it in AA meetings or with Al Anon speaker meetings and right here on SR.
It does happen.........more than codies want to believe.,

An awakening so to speak.

In my situation, my AB wants it, he's stopped his drinking, but his A actions are consistant. He talks about wanting the steps, but has yet to do them.
I'm torn about whether he wants it or not.

My group leader tells me recovery for an addict is like being naked for years. That is takes time for them to heal. If they are willing, then their loved ones need to be supportive.

It's all so complicated and every story is different

Duped

I gave up when I realised that my whole relationship was a farce, when I realised this person was lying to me, about everything. The love I felt went away like a boil being lanced. It just ended one day. That was the last time I made any sort of effort at reconciliation.

alanonicnov2008

It's very common for relationships to fail around recovery because the partner either enables the addiction or won't enable the addiction and the addict resents the partner for it. In the case of my relationship with my boyfriend, he was all too willing to blame every problem on me and without any way to convince him otherwise I was forced to do so, forced by my own addiction to the relationship.

His sponsor began to intervene toward the end of our relationship. But instead of confronting my bf about his behavior, he kept telling him that he was enabling *my* behavior -- I guess by this he meant that he was forcing me to stay in my codependent habits -- looking the other way, people pleasing, etc.

The double bind sometimes can only be broken with detachment. I imagine if my boyfriend is single he might be suffering and then maybe he will start doing the difficult work. But while he was with me I bore the burden of his addiction and it was driving me nuts.

I'm glad to be out of it but I really suffered.

If you are suffering, I feel for you. I've been there. But you can only leave if and when you are ready, I know that really well, and I've seen it over and over again. We bottom out too. I finally hit mine...and I'm really glad I did. I got my life and my hope back.