stilllearning

I tried to break things off, or take a break, about three months in. I was feeling drained (even that early on) and he was having agita with his ex that I wanted no part of. I got talked down. I left once about halfway through but got roped back in a week later - he talked the talk. I think that honestly, he just needed time to find my replacement because the acting out and manipulation over the next two months were so painful. He left me in the end. Wish I'd had the strength to be the one to end it and follow through (have read "rejected by the reject" a lot).

Gold

Just last night I got onto SR and read my original few posts and WOW! have I come a long way.

I wrote back then 12 months ago I would support my AEXP through 2 relapses but 3 strikes and it was over, I had forgotten about that "boundary" until last night but that is exactly what ended up happening. 2 relapses lots and lots of quacking.
The 3rd and last break up, he had been drinking what he described as "social" but that was daily, in isolation, to the point of passing out. Hmmm Not real social but I put up with it..


UNTIL. I got sick with Pneumonia and he was too drunk to drive me to hospital Too drunk to meet my needs that it. It was a defining moment and posting here wonderful members hit me with tough love asking me what the consequences of my so called set boundaries would be.

barb dwyer

You know -
I used to think I was all 'enlightened' and such
because I'd tell the guy
that I'll give and give
or put up with and put up with
and then all of a sudden -

I'm done.

And when I'm done - there's never any going back.

I told them right in the very beginning of the relationhsip too.

And I'd say -
The trouble with that is -
I never know where that line IS.
It's never in the same place but when it's crosed -
that's it.

I USED to think that was enlightened
you know - me being so 'open'

LMAO - what a load.

Because the problem believe it or not
wasn't COMPLETELY that theyse men were criminalalcoholic drug addicts sexual deviants.

It was what *I* did
how *I* attracted them
how *I* accommodated them
made excuses for them
covered up for them....

THAT ... was the problem.

BUt back to the topic

(yeah - good idea Barb =- sorry)

when I'm done - that's it.

coffeedrinker

I'm sure there are a lot of threads asking this question; here is a recent one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nd-things.html

I did not threaten my xah. I just sat down next to him one day, and told him I needed it to end. It took years, though, for me to be ready.

stilllearning

Oh I didn't need it to end ... I just needed him to change

bookwyrm

Summerpeach

Give, I want to be writing this same post sometime in the near future :-)

Thanks for this, It gives me strength

And by the way, my meeting from last week was about "We love them but we do not like them" and the whole room went "Hmmm"
Everyone was able to relate.

:ghug3

Summerpeach

Hey, you're buying crazy arse shoes, your life is NOT boring ;-)

You're a strong woman and I have so much respect for that

:ghug3

Summerpeach

I focus a lot of my recovery, but not I just need to figure out if my recovery includes continuing this fight.

My boyfriend's met some serious expectations because he has made a huge effort to work on his recovery, this is what keeps me on the fence.

I need to tidy my side more though ;-)

thank you

Summerpeach

this sounds like my situation with an ex I was with for 3 years.
He was the ultimate reject and he then left me when he met someone else.
That was a blessing though and I look back now and cannot believe I hit such a low point in my life that he is someone I shared my life with for 3 yrs

You will come to realize, you were not rejected but given a gift of freedom

Summerpeach

I have a high tolerance and a far reaching point, but like you, when I'm done I'm done. When my feelings are gone, they never return
I've had ex's try to come back and I couldn't conjure up any feelings at all

There may be a part of me that hopes this happens now since the times of pain are so intense.

Summerpeach

oh, thank you. I'm going to read this one

A man in my group told me it took him 4 yrs to get ready to leave.
It's definetly about being ready. If not, you play the to and fro game. Exhausting

transformyself

I've left three times. He's left twice. Before leaving him -FOR GOOD- in September, I didn't know about Al anon, and hadn't yet found this place. I couldn't afford a place for me and the kids, so I moved into a tiny room alone the first two, and would go there when AH got home from work. It was all I knew to do.

I"ve told myself I needed to leave just about every day for the past 6 years. But yes, I was so scared.

MY HP tricked into leaving this last time. Up until the day I was suppose to move out of our foreclosed house with the kids, leaving him there, I was trying to talk myself into staying. "I can just stay here a bit longer and see if things get better." I had rented this house for all of us, ordered the truck and asked friends to help move. then caught him texting OW, drunk, in the middle of the night. The text said, I MISS YOU. YOU NEVER LEFT ME. The infidelity, the fear of him going to her, kept me there taking the abuse.

I found a website called something like "How to leave your passive aggressive husband," which was what I thought the problem was. It listed four sentence for me to say to myself, and they have been serious magic for me.

I am leaving YOU now
This is MY choice
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
All is for my greater good

The night before I was suppose to start moving, while I was forumulating how to stay, he woke me up, drunk, told me he was divorcing me (like he had for 6 months) and took off his ring. For like the 10th time.

I repeated those sentences to myself and for the first time-ever-didn't follow him weeping and begging. I went back to sleep. It was a miracle. That's how sick I was. Then, I woke up the next morning and, literally singing with joy started packing that truck.

For months in my new house I woke up like a little kid at Christmas. So happy.

The only thing that keeps me drawn back to him is the triggering from the affair, and he's sure to tell me when he talks to her. But I"m in therapy now and am determined to never, ever go back to him.

I"m NC now and have decided to file for divorce. Like GL, I have happy couples in my life who role model respect and actual trust and friendship, which I have never seen before. Or couldn't see.

My in-love, respectful to each other friends used to trigger me. I would go to the bathroom and cry. Not anymore. Now I see that and am happy because I know I'll have it too.

For me, it all started with accepting and loving being alone when I moved here. I've worked hard on it, even with the codie relapses. And identifying and healing my issues that keep me hooked in is no longer scary. I love it. It's the only thing I have control over. It's my ticket to freedom.

You'll get there too Peach. You're strong.

stilllearning

So much wisdom on this thread.

Transform, I love this:

"The only thing that keeps me drawn back to him is the triggering from the affair, and he's sure to tell me when he talks to her. But I"m in therapy now and am determined to never, ever go back to him."

I totally relate. For over half our relationship there was the another woman - his ex and then my replacement. It's good to try to imagine how I would have felt at the worst of times if someone had told me things would only get worse, that there was nobody else in the picture, and I could have him forever.

I still have flashbacks at times to the kind, sweet, thoughtful man that I fell in love with and it makes me sad. Then I think about the size of the soul-hole someone must have to need alcohol and the attention of two anguished women at a time to try to fill it.

coffeedrinker

me too.

as someone here said in one of my threads,

he is now doing what you have wanted him to, but maybe it's just too late?

Summerpeach

Transform; thanks for sharing. The pull back is about the hope. Or as my group leader always says "The false hope we create to not fall into the dark hole"

The tough part; trying to decided which is real hope and which is false.

You are strong as well

Summerpeach

I wonder at times if it's too late. The resentment now has roots, the anger is spreading like wild fire.
There are times I expect too much, I know this and I know there are times it's like expecting a 5 yr old to learn to drive a car. They can't! They are not developed enough yet.
It takes time to allow their recovery, it's the "meantime" that confuses me!

Insulated

I lost count how many times I was kicked out, left, made disposable, took a break, absent, whatever you want to label it. Seriously, In 26 months...about 10 times. The final time I woke up next to him dead of an overdose.

Insulated

I still have flashbacks at times to the kind, sweet, thoughtful man that I fell in love with and it makes me sad. Then I think about the size of the soul-hole someone must have to need alcohol and the attention of two anguished women at a time to try to fill it. .....is this too much to tattoo somewhere on my body??

Summerpeach

That is tragic, I am so sorry