guilt...guilt...guilt
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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guilt...guilt...guilt
I know this is my issue...I'm just trying to figure out why it matters to me so much. My AH and I have been seperated since Nov. He has been living with a friend, but that friend in moving to another state, so he has 'no place to go'. He is the king of saying stuff like, how could you hold my housing over my head, how will my daughter and son feel when they ask why i never lived with them...etc. And of course I feel guilty. Now... I realize that it has been his actions that have caused this situation, and that he has made no effort toward any recovery other than slowing down drinking. He is still the same mean and hateful person he was before...maybe more so! So obviously I know this guilt is my problem....but how do I deal with it?
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"how could you hold my housing over my head, how will my daughter and son feel when they ask why i never lived with them"
I tend to flip these things over in my head. The truth eventually comes to the surface: My husband is totally incapable of taking responsibilty for his own actions.
That is not a trait I want (or would accept) a companion to have.
I tend to flip these things over in my head. The truth eventually comes to the surface: My husband is totally incapable of taking responsibilty for his own actions.
That is not a trait I want (or would accept) a companion to have.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by mentallyexh 
He has been living with a friend, but that friend in moving to another state, so he has 'no place to go'. He is the king of saying stuff like, how could you hold my housing over my head, how will my daughter and son feel when they ask why i never lived with them...etc. ?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I do believe it's mean to hold an individuals residence over ones head. I've had it done to me oh about 15 times, even had my name removed from a lease behind my back. Of course, I wasn't the addict/alcoholic. This was done by a control freaking addict. Is this his house too? Are you both on a mortgage or lease together? Who is providing the utilities?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Re: guilt.
How about reminding yourself what it is that you deserve?
AH: "I have 'no place to go'. How could you hold my housing over my head, how will my daughter and son feel when they ask why i never lived with them...etc."
mentallyehx: "That's unfortunate your choices resulted in this. However, as the main guardian of our two children, I deserve supportive people in my life, time to take care of myself so I can be a good parent, and peace of mind in my own home. That is the bare minimum I deserve to have. Taking care of you would steal that from me and my kids."
It's not a perfectly scripted analogy, but I hope you get the idea
I have struggled terribly with guilt and the alcoholic in my life. My counsellor always told me to remind myself of what I deserve as a human being (not to be terrorized, guilted, or coerced into taking responsibility for someone else's problems at the risk of my mental, emotional, and physical health). I need to stand up for my own needs when they come under threat; no one else will do it for me. mentallyexh, being the sole provider of a stable environment for your children, you also need to campaign for your health and well-being.
Don't focus on the guilt-inducing parts. AH is throwing a huge list of reasons he's so helpless to drown out all the reasonable, rational thoughts you are having - the thoughts that take the focus off of him. He wants you to focus on him, him, HIM. He is not helping you provide a stable home for your children. He is not providing any part of what you deserve to be a happy, healthy mom.
How about reminding yourself what it is that you deserve?
AH: "I have 'no place to go'. How could you hold my housing over my head, how will my daughter and son feel when they ask why i never lived with them...etc."
mentallyehx: "That's unfortunate your choices resulted in this. However, as the main guardian of our two children, I deserve supportive people in my life, time to take care of myself so I can be a good parent, and peace of mind in my own home. That is the bare minimum I deserve to have. Taking care of you would steal that from me and my kids."
It's not a perfectly scripted analogy, but I hope you get the idea
I have struggled terribly with guilt and the alcoholic in my life. My counsellor always told me to remind myself of what I deserve as a human being (not to be terrorized, guilted, or coerced into taking responsibility for someone else's problems at the risk of my mental, emotional, and physical health). I need to stand up for my own needs when they come under threat; no one else will do it for me. mentallyexh, being the sole provider of a stable environment for your children, you also need to campaign for your health and well-being.
Don't focus on the guilt-inducing parts. AH is throwing a huge list of reasons he's so helpless to drown out all the reasonable, rational thoughts you are having - the thoughts that take the focus off of him. He wants you to focus on him, him, HIM. He is not helping you provide a stable home for your children. He is not providing any part of what you deserve to be a happy, healthy mom.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
mentallyexh... I too struggled with this until my RAexH's sister helped me see it another way.
We (You and I) are not abandoning our "dearly beloved"...instead we choose to abandon the Alcoholic/Addict and all the chaos and noise that comes with the A/A package deal.
Try this:
Place a Post-it-note on your bathroom mirror that says "I am not withholding housing from my "beloved"... I am withholding housing from the Alcoholic/Addict... as a result protecting me and our children.
*Food for thought... the reason he "never lived with them" is in direct correlation and consequence with his behavior... You DO NOT own his behavior... it is his cross to bear.
I hope this helps.
We (You and I) are not abandoning our "dearly beloved"...instead we choose to abandon the Alcoholic/Addict and all the chaos and noise that comes with the A/A package deal.
Try this:
Place a Post-it-note on your bathroom mirror that says "I am not withholding housing from my "beloved"... I am withholding housing from the Alcoholic/Addict... as a result protecting me and our children.
*Food for thought... the reason he "never lived with them" is in direct correlation and consequence with his behavior... You DO NOT own his behavior... it is his cross to bear.
I hope this helps.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Insulated - We are married, but it is my house that I owned before we were married. He does pay the utilities though. If you have read my previous posts however he is extermely verbally abusive and angry......I wouldn't like to be in his position either, but I'm not sure I can expose our 5 children to the types of behavior he is exhibiting, let alone provide a peaceful, happy home for them with him acting is such bizarre ways.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hey MentallyEx,
It seems that you have been suffering on this road for a long time now...It isn't healthy for any of you (yourself and 5 children)
Are you moving toward a divorce from your husband? Is it something you are thinking of commencing? Limbo is incredibly stressful.
It seems that you have been suffering on this road for a long time now...It isn't healthy for any of you (yourself and 5 children)
Are you moving toward a divorce from your husband? Is it something you are thinking of commencing? Limbo is incredibly stressful.
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by mentallyexh
I wouldn't like to be in his position either, but I'm not sure I can expose our 5 children to the types of behavior he is exhibiting, let alone provide a peaceful, happy home for them with him acting is such bizarre ways.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
The thought occurred to me... the friend may be moving to another state to get away from the insanity 
So... is he giving his friend any grief
for "leaving him" behind? If you align yourself with AH's logic... you are off the hook already.... and have been since he moved out.
He may be paying the utilities... is he paying child support? Life is not always about HIM... shine a light on HIS responsibilities to his children and the dance might change
.
So... is he giving his friend any grief
for "leaving him" behind? If you align yourself with AH's logic... you are off the hook already.... and have been since he moved out.He may be paying the utilities... is he paying child support? Life is not always about HIM... shine a light on HIS responsibilities to his children and the dance might change
.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
How about serving an eviction notice on Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster!!
I have a sticker on one of my recovery books that says:
"Screw Guilt"
I know that is a little harsh but I worked hard to learn to distinquish the difference between realistic and unrealistic guilt.
Realistic guilt is a little twang I get in my gut about an action I took on a situation that I possibly could have handled better - something I did that was unhealthy, unproduction, and unwise - possibly not the most recovery oriented idea.
Unrealistic guilt is the feeling I get when SOMEONE else tells me my actions are NOT what they wanted me to do - when a loved one tries to manipulate my actions to meet their desires, needs or wants, when my old "caretaking/rescue" traits start to come out and make me uncomfortable. When I begin to feel I "should" be doing something for someone that they truly could do for themselves.
Sometimes it takes me a while too look if my feelings are realistic or unrealistic guilt - but once I figure it out - then I can ask -
if realistic guilt - HP, help me to take actions to change to a healthier way of life.
if unrealistic guilt - HP, help me to keep my boundaries strong, continue taking care of myself and my recovery. Also to allow my loved one the dignity of figuring their own problems out, please help me not to rob them opportunity to grow their own self-esteem - whether they believe it or not.
These are just the things that are working for me in dealing with that Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster
HUGS,
Rita
I have a sticker on one of my recovery books that says:
"Screw Guilt"
I know that is a little harsh but I worked hard to learn to distinquish the difference between realistic and unrealistic guilt.
Realistic guilt is a little twang I get in my gut about an action I took on a situation that I possibly could have handled better - something I did that was unhealthy, unproduction, and unwise - possibly not the most recovery oriented idea.
Unrealistic guilt is the feeling I get when SOMEONE else tells me my actions are NOT what they wanted me to do - when a loved one tries to manipulate my actions to meet their desires, needs or wants, when my old "caretaking/rescue" traits start to come out and make me uncomfortable. When I begin to feel I "should" be doing something for someone that they truly could do for themselves.
Sometimes it takes me a while too look if my feelings are realistic or unrealistic guilt - but once I figure it out - then I can ask -
if realistic guilt - HP, help me to take actions to change to a healthier way of life.
if unrealistic guilt - HP, help me to keep my boundaries strong, continue taking care of myself and my recovery. Also to allow my loved one the dignity of figuring their own problems out, please help me not to rob them opportunity to grow their own self-esteem - whether they believe it or not.
These are just the things that are working for me in dealing with that Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster
HUGS,
Rita
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
when the duck starts quacking say "gotta go" you dont have to listen, let him quack to the bartender or whoever else unfortunate enough to be on his path.
you dont have to listen to the pity party.
what a coincidence he now "cares about" how his children "will feel". NOW that is is convenient FOR HIM. has he given a damn before? (sorry this is my own anger speaking but how incredibly manipulative sentence as he tries to make you feel like a bad mom!!)
also against guilt my favorite antidote is "codie no more" by melody beattie
"the language of letting go" is a gem as well.
just addiction as usual trying to make it about something else and add others to the denial but YOU KNOW THE TRUTH and he made himself unwelcome thats all.
KUDOS to you for keeping yourself and your children away from this 'man'
you dont have to listen to the pity party.
what a coincidence he now "cares about" how his children "will feel". NOW that is is convenient FOR HIM. has he given a damn before? (sorry this is my own anger speaking but how incredibly manipulative sentence as he tries to make you feel like a bad mom!!)
also against guilt my favorite antidote is "codie no more" by melody beattie
"the language of letting go" is a gem as well.
just addiction as usual trying to make it about something else and add others to the denial but YOU KNOW THE TRUTH and he made himself unwelcome thats all.
KUDOS to you for keeping yourself and your children away from this 'man'
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
I understand feeling those tinges of guilt.
I think when I learned new behavior, it made my husband very uncomfortable.
When he played the victim then by golly I "should" play the rescuer.
We can choose not to play, and each time becomes easier.
I think when I learned new behavior, it made my husband very uncomfortable.
When he played the victim then by golly I "should" play the rescuer.
We can choose not to play, and each time becomes easier.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Japic05
Realistic guilt is a little twang I get in my gut about an action I took on a situation that I possibly could have handled better - something I did that was unhealthy, unproduction, and unwise - possibly not the most recovery oriented idea.
Unrealistic guilt is the feeling I get when SOMEONE else tells me my actions are NOT what they wanted me to do - when a loved one tries to manipulate my actions to meet their desires, needs or wants, when my old "caretaking/rescue" traits start to come out and make me uncomfortable. When I begin to feel I "should" be doing something for someone that they truly could do for themselves.
Unrealistic guilt is the feeling I get when SOMEONE else tells me my actions are NOT what they wanted me to do - when a loved one tries to manipulate my actions to meet their desires, needs or wants, when my old "caretaking/rescue" traits start to come out and make me uncomfortable. When I begin to feel I "should" be doing something for someone that they truly could do for themselves.
Thank you!
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