I need help...there i said it
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Location: salt lake city utah
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I need help...there i said it
Hi everybody-
I think I just saw the light today and different than I ever have before ... I havent gone to Alanon in the past 2 weeks and my AH actions in the past couple of days have drove me over the edge... I have let his actions get me down and even though yes in the past I have said they dont... they do. I can look back now and see what it is doing to me... it is driving me crazy... I am checking his phone again and when a girl answered the number I freaked out... I didnt ask him bc im sure it will cause a fight and it could be his friends wife or it might not be... he doesnt get home in time from where he says he is and Ive let it get to me... I am letting his actions get to me and I am keeping it all inside to not cause a fight between us... there I go again protecting him
I need to go back to Alanon but it isnt till Tuesday!!! Any other suggestions???
I called him this morning and just asked him out of the blue if he was happy with me (me asking this bc I am thinking he is calling another woman) he says yes but then he changed tones and says " we are never going to get past this and you are never gonna trust me and what did I do this time and you are always asking me who I am working with and when am I getting off work"
I was thinking "what... I havent even asked him what time he is getting home or who he is with????? I have wondered why it takes him more time to get home but I havent asked him anything nor have I acted angry with him... if anything I have been sad as I have let his actions or non action (no going to AA anymore) get to me... he turns it around even though I say its my own insecurities and he didnt do anything wrong. I think I am seriously messed up and I need more help... I want to get back to where I was before and not worrying about what he does or does not do and to get the right kind of help for me... I am work fighting back tears and had to go to the store to buy me makeup to cover up the tears I did cry.... Maybe I just need to leave? because I am good for so long and yes it is pending on what his recovery process is and IT SHould not be like that...
I think I just saw the light today and different than I ever have before ... I havent gone to Alanon in the past 2 weeks and my AH actions in the past couple of days have drove me over the edge... I have let his actions get me down and even though yes in the past I have said they dont... they do. I can look back now and see what it is doing to me... it is driving me crazy... I am checking his phone again and when a girl answered the number I freaked out... I didnt ask him bc im sure it will cause a fight and it could be his friends wife or it might not be... he doesnt get home in time from where he says he is and Ive let it get to me... I am letting his actions get to me and I am keeping it all inside to not cause a fight between us... there I go again protecting him
I need to go back to Alanon but it isnt till Tuesday!!! Any other suggestions???I called him this morning and just asked him out of the blue if he was happy with me (me asking this bc I am thinking he is calling another woman) he says yes but then he changed tones and says " we are never going to get past this and you are never gonna trust me and what did I do this time and you are always asking me who I am working with and when am I getting off work"
I was thinking "what... I havent even asked him what time he is getting home or who he is with????? I have wondered why it takes him more time to get home but I havent asked him anything nor have I acted angry with him... if anything I have been sad as I have let his actions or non action (no going to AA anymore) get to me... he turns it around even though I say its my own insecurities and he didnt do anything wrong. I think I am seriously messed up and I need more help... I want to get back to where I was before and not worrying about what he does or does not do and to get the right kind of help for me... I am work fighting back tears and had to go to the store to buy me makeup to cover up the tears I did cry.... Maybe I just need to leave? because I am good for so long and yes it is pending on what his recovery process is and IT SHould not be like that...
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"I called him this morning and just asked him out of the blue if he was happy with me (me asking this bc I am thinking he is calling another woman) he says yes but then he changed tones and says " we are never going to get past this and you are never gonna trust me and what did I do this time and you are always asking me who I am working with and when am I getting off work"
I understand all of that. Except it wasn't other women. It was something else. But that same reaction. It ain't right.
Someone pointed out to me that if someone either overreacts OR undereacts it's a glaring red flag.
Wishing you some peace soon!
I understand all of that. Except it wasn't other women. It was something else. But that same reaction. It ain't right.
Someone pointed out to me that if someone either overreacts OR undereacts it's a glaring red flag.
Wishing you some peace soon!
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thanks ALizerin-
Thats just it ... it may or not be another woman but I am letting his recovery or non recovery actions get to me... he may drinking or using again and I may be feeling it through intuition and am misreading him??? I dont feel like I can tell him anything or ask him anything bc if I do a simple " yes honey I am happy with you whats wrong " is kinda what I might get not the " yes honey I am happy but why do you ask me that what did I do now....blah blah blah "
Thats just it ... it may or not be another woman but I am letting his recovery or non recovery actions get to me... he may drinking or using again and I may be feeling it through intuition and am misreading him??? I dont feel like I can tell him anything or ask him anything bc if I do a simple " yes honey I am happy with you whats wrong " is kinda what I might get not the " yes honey I am happy but why do you ask me that what did I do now....blah blah blah "
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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I think I am seriously messed up and I need more help...
Getting to the place where you ask for and ACCEPT help is a good thing!
I needed AlAnon and one-on-one therapy before I even began to have a clue what was wrong with me and how to fix it.
Not easy, but worth it. Can you get some therapy going?
peace-
b
Getting to the place where you ask for and ACCEPT help is a good thing!
I needed AlAnon and one-on-one therapy before I even began to have a clue what was wrong with me and how to fix it.
Not easy, but worth it. Can you get some therapy going?
peace-
b
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I will check into therapy after I get off of work... I just want to get to worrying about myself and not what he is or isnt doing... its not getting me anywhere and he doesnt seem to care about how I feel
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by waiting801 
I just want to get to worrying about myself and not what he is or isnt doing... its not getting me anywhere and he doesnt seem to care about how I feel
Trust your instincts. Your gut KNOWS there is something wrong, no matter what comes out of his mouth. Talking to HIM about it and asking HIM if he is happy with you or what-have-you is not going to get you anywhere. The answers you seek will not come from him.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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my A did that same crap. tried to twist everything back around on me like I was the insecure one and how'd he put it...oh yeah " a broke _itch". Well he's dead of an overdose and I'm here at the keyboard. I thanked him for making me a fighter!
Are you doing the crazy making game? You already know what & how addicts act, react, twist & shout. Don't keep engaging in the dance with him by throwing your vulnerability in his face. You know he's going to prey on that and make you feel even worse. Can you busy yourself some other way ...step out of the obsessive mode? What would have to happen for you to take a break from obsessing - then do it.
Are you doing the crazy making game? You already know what & how addicts act, react, twist & shout. Don't keep engaging in the dance with him by throwing your vulnerability in his face. You know he's going to prey on that and make you feel even worse. Can you busy yourself some other way ...step out of the obsessive mode? What would have to happen for you to take a break from obsessing - then do it.
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Ok so its not just me insecure??? here I am trying to keep it together and its really hard... i dont want to be crying when he gets home as he will tell me" AAAAAhhh know what did I do" I need the support from somebody to tell me its going to be ok and not somebody telling me ... he is sick of having to see me cry or telling me he doesnt know what is going on with me... if its my insecurities or what...
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and this morning when I called him before work he tells me " why do you call me before I go to work why dont you just wait till I get home bc now I have to start my day off crappy" So then I feel bad and think Gosh what am I doing to him????? I seriously sit and think that... can u believe it...
H e just calls me and acts like nothing ever happened and while Im trying to keep myslef together he has no clue or maybe care as to what is going on... I dont want to talk to him about it tonight and I just want to sleep... his dinner is made and everything around the house is done... I dont know what I can say to him anymore bc im sure it will come out being I need to let it go???
H e just calls me and acts like nothing ever happened and while Im trying to keep myslef together he has no clue or maybe care as to what is going on... I dont want to talk to him about it tonight and I just want to sleep... his dinner is made and everything around the house is done... I dont know what I can say to him anymore bc im sure it will come out being I need to let it go???
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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A quick lesson in self love.
Go to the bathroom.
Take a few deep breaths in and out
Think Peacefullness In on the inhales
Think Fear Out on the exhales
About 5 deep breaths and chanting should help clear your mind.
Now look yourself in the eyes in that bathroom and say:
"I love you Waiting, and accept you exactly as you are"
Repeat, (it won't hurt)
Next, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug.
You are beautiful and loving!
Go to the bathroom.
Take a few deep breaths in and out
Think Peacefullness In on the inhales
Think Fear Out on the exhales
About 5 deep breaths and chanting should help clear your mind.
Now look yourself in the eyes in that bathroom and say:
"I love you Waiting, and accept you exactly as you are"
Repeat, (it won't hurt)
Next, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug.
You are beautiful and loving!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Ohhhhh, waiting, you are SO not the only one. I've been accused of being insecure many times. The thing is, OF COURSE I'm insecure, there have been lies, dishonest actions, and quite possibly infidelity!! Who wouldn't be f**king insecure?! (Um, guess I'm angry, too...) And, might I add, I've been told to "let it go" so often that I could SCREAM! There's nothing like having an AA/Alanon slogan gone awry--out of the mouth of an active alcoholic to manipulate a situation! I'd encourage you to feel the feelings inside of you, and think about/feel how they match up with your intuition. You are not imagining it, you are not making it up, you are not broken. What you are feeling is REAL. After you have accepted your very valid feelings then you can let go of your resentments, etc. about the situations that have hurt you, but "letting go" is not supposed to be about someone in a relationship not being accountable for their actions and impact on the other person. I'm just learning about this stuff myself, so it's not that I'm any kind of veteran here, but I'm learning from these discussions and reveling in the possibility of a better relationship with myself, and a better life, too.
I've had things turned around on me so many times I can't possibly keep track, and for a long time my head would spin and I would question myself. It's only now--thanks to Alanon, this forum, my reading and meditation--that I'm beginning to find other choices, and make them, especially to develop healthy friendships and connections where I can begin to consider the possibility of trusting others.
As for the tears, they come easy for me, too. The pain goes very deep (and the roots of all of it pre-date this relationship by a long shot) but I have also tried to stop the crying. Not because my A has anything to say about it, but because I'm sick and tired of being sad in this relationship all the time.
Taking a break from this relationship is working wonders for me...1 week so far, and I'm amazed at how much energy I have nowadays...it's not going into the drama/cycles of the relationship. I still cry every day, but I feel better afterward, not worse--very different than when I was having multiple contacts per day with A. I wonder what you can do/have for yourself at this point in time? Pelican's meditation sounds great...do you have hobbies? I had a therapist last summer who told me, "build bonfires of self-care into your life". I didn't really know what she was talking about last summer...but now I sure as h*ll do! Be good to you.
Big hugs and deep breaths. Keep posting!
posie
I've had things turned around on me so many times I can't possibly keep track, and for a long time my head would spin and I would question myself. It's only now--thanks to Alanon, this forum, my reading and meditation--that I'm beginning to find other choices, and make them, especially to develop healthy friendships and connections where I can begin to consider the possibility of trusting others.
As for the tears, they come easy for me, too. The pain goes very deep (and the roots of all of it pre-date this relationship by a long shot) but I have also tried to stop the crying. Not because my A has anything to say about it, but because I'm sick and tired of being sad in this relationship all the time.
Taking a break from this relationship is working wonders for me...1 week so far, and I'm amazed at how much energy I have nowadays...it's not going into the drama/cycles of the relationship. I still cry every day, but I feel better afterward, not worse--very different than when I was having multiple contacts per day with A. I wonder what you can do/have for yourself at this point in time? Pelican's meditation sounds great...do you have hobbies? I had a therapist last summer who told me, "build bonfires of self-care into your life". I didn't really know what she was talking about last summer...but now I sure as h*ll do! Be good to you.
Big hugs and deep breaths. Keep posting!
posie
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Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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I just loved being told by RABF when in drinking mode, "let go and let God", isn't that what you Alanon dummies pray?
Finally lost it and yelled. "Wish I could let go and let God zap you with a million volt lightning bolt."
Funnily a while back, RABF had a problem and came out with "I can't do anything about this, so I guess all I can do is Let Go and Let God."
Do whatever you need to nourish yourself, seek counselling to help you find YOU again, to appreciate who you are, and to learn to grow as you want.
It may also help you see who is the really needy and miserable one in your relationship.
Leave him be for a bit, and concentrate on giving happiness to yourself, doing things that give you pleasure instead of worrying if he is happy or not.
God bless
Finally lost it and yelled. "Wish I could let go and let God zap you with a million volt lightning bolt."
Funnily a while back, RABF had a problem and came out with "I can't do anything about this, so I guess all I can do is Let Go and Let God."
Do whatever you need to nourish yourself, seek counselling to help you find YOU again, to appreciate who you are, and to learn to grow as you want.
It may also help you see who is the really needy and miserable one in your relationship.
Leave him be for a bit, and concentrate on giving happiness to yourself, doing things that give you pleasure instead of worrying if he is happy or not.
God bless
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Ok so its not just me insecure???
Nope. IMO. It sounds like a button pushing ploy. Seems to me a spouse should address any insecurities a wife has by gentile communication. Not pointing out defects and trying make us feel bad about having FEELINGS.
Nope. IMO. It sounds like a button pushing ploy. Seems to me a spouse should address any insecurities a wife has by gentile communication. Not pointing out defects and trying make us feel bad about having FEELINGS.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
waiting, you are trapped in a cycle of sickness and you are looking for, wishing, and expecting the source of the sickness to make you feel better, or make you less sick. Step off the rollercoaster. Get out of the ooze, the disease, the mess.
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Location: salt lake city utah
Posts: 28
Thank all of you guys...love you all 
He got home last night and he could see I had been crying earlier... he acted as if nothing had happened!! BUT I didnt let it get to me bc I kept thinking he will want to talk about it again and then turn it around on me again... SO I watched the basketball game and was paying bills at the same time... as to make myself more busy so I didnt have to worry about him or what he said... we ate dinner and I didnt say a word to him and in fact I had a smile on my face which im sure confused him a bit... after dinner he asked " do you want to talk about anything "? I told him no I found out what I need to do for me and I want to change for ME and I can say I wont bother you with any of my feelings anymore but I can say I am hurting and I have every right to hurt... lets leave it at that"!!! He replies " I dont want you to change for me... I just want you to be happy and do me one favor and if you ever fall out of love with me just tell me... as long as we love each other that is all we need" I had to roll my eyes on that one and I really wanted to tell him he is the one that if cheating on me is only thinking about himself... but i bit my tongue and I just told him ok and went back to my game and bills... He may or not be cheating or calling other women or drinking or using again but if he is looking for other women I can say he does not know what he has and I have decided to just worry for me... easy to just say but I know I can do it... have a appointment to get my hair done on sat and we are going to a home and garden show afterwards so he will not only know but see what he is losing by not doing what HE needs to do to get better...
I sit here and think but gosh why is he even thinking of calling other women?? SO he can talk to somebody who wont be hurt by his drinking or say he is some knight?? LOL
He makes me breakfast this morning and calls me at work to say where he going to work and I think " WHO is the one to tell me yesterday- YOU always ask me where I am going or who I am working with- hmmm... so HE calls and tells me????? I felt like saying ok why r u telling me this if you complain that I always ask you... but Im sure he would have did a whole woe is me thing again...LOL
My Alanon is on Tuesday night and I am going to get my hair cut colored and styled on sat then we are going to a home and garden show... keep myself busy and let his words go in one ear and out the other... i pray I keep the strength to keep how I feel today and dont let him get me down
He got home last night and he could see I had been crying earlier... he acted as if nothing had happened!! BUT I didnt let it get to me bc I kept thinking he will want to talk about it again and then turn it around on me again... SO I watched the basketball game and was paying bills at the same time... as to make myself more busy so I didnt have to worry about him or what he said... we ate dinner and I didnt say a word to him and in fact I had a smile on my face which im sure confused him a bit... after dinner he asked " do you want to talk about anything "? I told him no I found out what I need to do for me and I want to change for ME and I can say I wont bother you with any of my feelings anymore but I can say I am hurting and I have every right to hurt... lets leave it at that"!!! He replies " I dont want you to change for me... I just want you to be happy and do me one favor and if you ever fall out of love with me just tell me... as long as we love each other that is all we need" I had to roll my eyes on that one and I really wanted to tell him he is the one that if cheating on me is only thinking about himself... but i bit my tongue and I just told him ok and went back to my game and bills... He may or not be cheating or calling other women or drinking or using again but if he is looking for other women I can say he does not know what he has and I have decided to just worry for me... easy to just say but I know I can do it... have a appointment to get my hair done on sat and we are going to a home and garden show afterwards so he will not only know but see what he is losing by not doing what HE needs to do to get better...
I sit here and think but gosh why is he even thinking of calling other women?? SO he can talk to somebody who wont be hurt by his drinking or say he is some knight?? LOL
He makes me breakfast this morning and calls me at work to say where he going to work and I think " WHO is the one to tell me yesterday- YOU always ask me where I am going or who I am working with- hmmm... so HE calls and tells me????? I felt like saying ok why r u telling me this if you complain that I always ask you... but Im sure he would have did a whole woe is me thing again...LOL
My Alanon is on Tuesday night and I am going to get my hair cut colored and styled on sat then we are going to a home and garden show... keep myself busy and let his words go in one ear and out the other... i pray I keep the strength to keep how I feel today and dont let him get me down
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by waiting801
I need the support from somebody to tell me its going to be ok
For me, I could never be "ok" if the person in my life was using, or dry but not in recovery. I am either a mess, or I have to leave. But that's me -- I just don't know how others do it.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Waiting-
the sense I get from your posts is you're so entangled in this
toxic relationship
you don't know WHAT you think any more.
And you've come to absolutely rely on this man
to tell you what you think.
You know -
try this.
This is something *I* do when the walls are caving in.
Sit down.
Just quiet.
no music no 'settings' ....
just quiet.
Ask yourself how many times
you've been near total destruction.
How many times.
I've been in so much phyusical REAL danger
I can't count them.
But there's the money panics, the emotional crises -
think of ONE ...
you only have to think of ONE ...
... that you didn't make it through.
Name the ONE time
you didn't survive it.
Now think of ONE crisis
that this man has helped you out of.
I defy you to find ONE that he was the complete hero
from the beginning to the end without any prodding or acting.
In all those times of greatese need and fear ...
who WHO got you though it?
Not this guy.
I guarantee it and I don't even know you.
Because I am an alcoholic.
WHen you let yourself ACCURATELY recall
the worst times of your life
who - WHO is it that came through for you?
For me -
i realized it was always a woman.
Always a woman who stepped forward abnd gave me a hand up when i was in the greatest need.
Only one ONE time ... in fifty something years -
has it been a man.
I think if you can calm yourself
and let yourself remember the truth
of just that simple thing.
How manyu times has God let me die?
(the answer is NONE)
and
Who has helped me?
And then
Has he EVER been there?
You aren't going to need this man to tell you what you think.
And you're going to find =
that's what he's afraid of.
It's HIS insecurity... not yours.
I hope that helps.
the sense I get from your posts is you're so entangled in this
toxic relationship
you don't know WHAT you think any more.
And you've come to absolutely rely on this man
to tell you what you think.
You know -
try this.
This is something *I* do when the walls are caving in.
Sit down.
Just quiet.
no music no 'settings' ....
just quiet.
Ask yourself how many times
you've been near total destruction.
How many times.
I've been in so much phyusical REAL danger
I can't count them.
But there's the money panics, the emotional crises -
think of ONE ...
you only have to think of ONE ...
... that you didn't make it through.
Name the ONE time
you didn't survive it.
Now think of ONE crisis
that this man has helped you out of.
I defy you to find ONE that he was the complete hero
from the beginning to the end without any prodding or acting.
In all those times of greatese need and fear ...
who WHO got you though it?
Not this guy.
I guarantee it and I don't even know you.
Because I am an alcoholic.
WHen you let yourself ACCURATELY recall
the worst times of your life
who - WHO is it that came through for you?
For me -
i realized it was always a woman.
Always a woman who stepped forward abnd gave me a hand up when i was in the greatest need.
Only one ONE time ... in fifty something years -
has it been a man.
I think if you can calm yourself
and let yourself remember the truth
of just that simple thing.
How manyu times has God let me die?
(the answer is NONE)
and
Who has helped me?
And then
Has he EVER been there?
You aren't going to need this man to tell you what you think.
And you're going to find =
that's what he's afraid of.
It's HIS insecurity... not yours.
I hope that helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: salt lake city utah
Posts: 28
Barb--- can i just say.... wow and everything you say is pretty much accurate... I have been doing pretty good with not letting him get to me... he has been trying to act like some prince charming now but I dont let it get to me... if I feel like I wanted to say something to him that will end in a negative comment or discussion ... i walk out of the room or I read my "codependent no more" book, I dont call him during the day anymore nor after work... bc i dont want to know where he is or what he is doing ... as before I would think any lil thing after we hung up... ie:he is late or he is lying... I feel a sense of calm knowing he cant lie to me if we keep the conversation simple and I just hang up and when I hang up I let whatever he said to me , as in to what/who/where, hang up right along with him as in let it all go. It is hard to put that into words...lol
I did the mirror thing last night as well and it did help alot... thanks Pelican
Coffee drinker... when I said I wanted somebody to just say its gonna be ok.. i was meaning when you tell someone you are sad or are just down... there are people who will say its ok but I am looking more towards the "its gonna be ok" along with a hug... the words are just words but the hug is worth so much more. which I know will have to come from somebody other than the addict.
I did the mirror thing last night as well and it did help alot... thanks Pelican
Coffee drinker... when I said I wanted somebody to just say its gonna be ok.. i was meaning when you tell someone you are sad or are just down... there are people who will say its ok but I am looking more towards the "its gonna be ok" along with a hug... the words are just words but the hug is worth so much more. which I know will have to come from somebody other than the addict.
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