roxiestone

Me too. I was taught to keep the family secrets. Emotional dishonesty, as well as other kinds, ran rampant.

bookwyrm

Its really interesting, to me, to read what others have said about their upbringing. I had thought that I was 'made' a codie by having an AH. But this chapter started me tracing it back to my childhood. I too was brought up with the 'unwritten, silent rules'. Talking about your feelings was somehow 'wrong'. If you said you were upset then you were somehow hurting the person you were talking to.

My parents aren't alcoholics but my father is ACOA, is extremely controlling and was prone to childish rages at the drop of a hat. We were taught not to upset him at a very early age. There were almost constant fights between my parents. I was the eldest and felt responsible for a lot of what went on. I 'hid' in books whenever I could. My parents finally split when I was in my teens. I will never forget my father screaming in my face that it was all my fault they were getting divorce because I acted like I hated him and didn't do enough round the house to help my mum! Yeah, and that 'made' him sleep with another woman.

I swore that I would never get involved with someone like him. Hah. Somehow, XAH turned out to be just like him, blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life and trying to control my every thought. He even had an OW!! How did that happen?!!

Did I 'make' these 2 men into who they became? Is it really my fault? I really struggle with guilt sometimes. I know in my head that I'm just not that powerful but my gut still doesn't believe it. I have a lot of work to do, but there IS hope! I agree with Melody when she says:
The person I worry about and want to help and wish I could 'make' happy is my mum. This is something I was taught/learned to think and feel from a very young age and haven't ever grown out of! XAH started the disintegration of our marriage by trying to isolate me from my mum. He managed to isolate me from friends and the rest of my family, but that was one bond that, when he tried to break it, had me defying him!

I worry that our relationship is unhealthy. I worry that she has chosen an alcoholic partner rather than be alone. I worry about her a lot! I am and have been overprotective of her. I love her and hate the thought of ever hurting her since I saw just how much hurt she endured living with my dad. I'm starting to let her be a grown up - but it is hard! I have been talking to her openly about my feelings, even when it makes her sad and she blames herself for being a 'bad' parent. I struggle with the guilt of not living up to her expectations, of being a failure in her eyes, someone she will always have to be there for and care for because I'm flawed inside somehow. I worry that my existence has brought her more pain than happiness. I tell her these things and she refutes them all. And yet, the nasty whispering voice in the back of my head tries to tell me that she's just trying not to kick you when you're down, of course you're a burden on her and have always been a burden on her. Without you (and later your brother) she would have left dad so much earlier and could have been so much happier.

Can you tell I have a lot of family of origin issues still to work through?!

So yeah, I'm a codependent. I can see that codependency is a self destructive behaviour. A habit, like some of my other habits, that is just not healthy for me. Time to change the habits of a lifetime...

alanonicnov2008

It is a very foreign thing to let go of the worry for someone else, particularly someone we really care about. I know that is a daily struggle for me and sometimes it creeps up on me and I find myself sending people to meetings or introducing people to other people that can "help" them. Crazy!

What happens when we spend all that time worrying about ourselves? Is there an underlying fear there? I know for me when I do focus on myself the results are immediate. Better jobs, more friends, more fun! but it makes me feel *guilty*! It's almost as if I don't deserve it.

LaTeeDa

I just want to say, I'm loving this thread. I remember being so annoyed with my therapist because she kept wanting to talk about my parents. What was she, thick? This wasn't about my childhood. Didn't she realize I came to see her about being married to an alcoholic? LOL

L

MAuigirl

One of the things I struggle with is balance. It is not wrong to be concerned about others, to even want to help them. Where would our world be if we did not "pay it forward?". I am learning that the co-dependency rears it's ugly head when I act with improper motivation. My husband asked this question and I responded, "Well, if I don't tell you I don't want to go to a certain movie because I am afraid of hurting your feelings, that is co-dependent. If go with you to the funeral of your best friend even though I hate funerals, that is love." Agree? Disagree?

roxiestone

I believe it truly is about motivation. In some of MY actions, there was manipulation behind the "doing good". I wanted/expected/needed something out of it.

MAuigirl

LOL is right! My H told me when he left that "I can no longer live my life based upon your fears." and, "Why do you treat me like I am incompetent?" I honestly did not know what he was talking about.

Ceres

"If go with you to the funeral of your best friend even though I hate funerals, that is love." Agree? Disagree?"

Yes. I'd say that's love. I liked how you made the subject a best friend. If it was, let's say, a close relative - One would be going more out of obligation. Me thinks.

mermaidgirl

Page 37..."They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they ment no. Tey have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people's feelings and, in so doing have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed."

My brief past was my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) when I was 3. She had another baby after that, my brother and I was the middle child between two boys. I was cooking dinner for my ENTIRE family-by the age of...8. I didn't even fathom this was a "problem" in my past until I met and married my STBRAH and started my patterns to the detriment of the relationship.

RAH has been out of the house for 2 months now-and I finally picked this book up two weeks ago and I am re-reading it with you all.

Two years of therapy (and continuing) has helped me see that codependency is something I can control and I cannot express the freedom I feel in my heart since this awakening. I know. Cliche. But-when I feel "that feeling" of having to worry about if my STBRAH is alright, or if he made it to work...really? Mermaidgirl-what are you doing? I say to myself...he isn't your responsibility-I am my responsibility.

Thank you for starting this thread-it is enlightening to read everyone's perceptions and input. We all have stories that help one another!

Learn2Live

Thank you so much bookwyrm for sharing everything you shared about your Mum. I am the exact same way. Sometimes it seems as though all I did was stop my codependent behaviors with men and focused my guilt and attention onto my Mom. But then, I realize, if I didn't take care of my Mom, what is the point really in getting up every day and going to work? I'm not married, I don't have any children, it's just me. So at least it gives me and my life purpose, right? My mother's life has been sheer HELL, from the age of 4 onward. And I am in a position now to help make her a little more comfortable and to thank her for always sticking by us and taking care of us as children. Is this guilt? Is taking care of Mom my responsibility? Or do I need to change this part of me? What is the healthy part of me and what is the unhealthy? Am I ADDICTED to caretaking? Is that possible?

bookwyrm

My questions too! And I have no idea what the answers are...yet!

roxiestone

At a meeting last night, this was discussed. How do we know our own motivations when helping? One of the suggestions was to ask ourselves "Is it fun and is it free"?

I interpretted the meaning to be - do I get real enjoyment from doing this and what does it cost me? Cost not necessarily being monetary cost.

Serenebynow

[QUOTE]Codependency, explained one person, is knowing all your relationships will either go on and on the same way (painfully), or end the same way ( disastrously). Or both.[QUOTE]
I had to stop here, reread. I did this so many times. I'd always have the fantasy, that this time will be different. This person is going to do all the things I need him or her to do and then I' ll be safe from the fear of pain and disaster?
And they never did. And they never will.
If I feel that I love him/her more than he/she loves me I've got a problem. Not him or her but me.
Here's the irony, as I begin to love and accept who I am... I begin taking the focus back to myself.
I know this is deep for me. It's like the first time I have heard it...Nooooo, it is not. First time I felt it, yes.
Next topic.
I used to want to video my active A's, convinced that the viewing of their condition, would really make them see from my perspective, how bad they were, how much they should want to stop this behavior.
Now I watch shows like intervention, celebrity rehab, sober house, etc. It's like my dreams for my a's . If only. Then I could see them recover. Now, I'm thinking a little more clearly because all though they share traits of a's I k ow and love, I don't know them. I don't really know my own. I can only hope to learn about me a little more.
You ladies here, are helping me find me again! thank you!
Where are the Codie men? I think I may have a new tv series idea... Codie treatment rehab?

alanonicnov2008

codependency for me, right now, is that pit in my stomach that says "ugh, I have to fix this" when I actually have no power to fix any of it and often it has nothing to do with me!