TakingCharge999

I cant thank you all enough for this thread. I needed to read all this today.

Deleting them on FB, blocking emails etc is very very difficult.. man it took monthsssss for me to delete the pictures from my camera, of the good times. Now I am in the process of giving away clothes that trigger me and deleting mails that refer to him at ALL.

I broke up a year and a half ago and yes sometimes I still feel like a casualty and wonder when I will be able to put it ALL to rest. Sometimes I am good and some days I have been able to go about my business without a single thought!! that has been priceless.

But I work with him so triggers are unavoidable. I try to focus on my present and if I get angry or triggered, I take a deep breathe, go away, put headphones and lately I bring earplugs so I dont hear his voice or anything at all. Many times I get away with that but others I am just so angry...or I face him many times through the day like today and.. I don't cry anymore or feel as angry and nauseous as before, but I am still affected.

At least I have learned to live the present moment so when I get to my car and go to my apartment and see my cats I can enjoy that and live that and I am safe for another day.

Also about loss, I read in the Tao or somewhere these lines:

"what can you have that is not already lost?"

You never "have" anything or anyone... everyone around you and objects you "own" are all borrowed. Not even your life is yours... trying to "zoom out" and get philosophic helps..

And also when I feel pain for being discarded like a napkin I remember some wise words from a poster called Ago.. he told me I DIDN'T KNOW... what XABF thinks, feels... so in my imaginary perhaps I can choose something healing to me? after all I will never know the truth...

So, I asked him not to contact me anymore and he hasn't. I choose to take this as he knows he is a drunk and abusive man getting worse every day, and that letting me alone is the only good thing he can give me now. And if what we lived was real and true for me then I bring that good XABF with me, he is not lost, the good moments are in my heart. I take what helps me, made me smil, brought me joy once.. I disregard the rest. I dont know how not to grow up bitter if not to try and force oneself to keep only the good of us, of ppl and situations.. and give the rest to God..

Of course I just had a dream where I almost killed him and in a moment I will see him again as we're both working late, but I hope one day I am indifferent and truly don't give a damn, via facebook, work, whatever. I guess this prize and finality come in little pieces throughout the day.. its not BLACK then WHITE... all I can say is that I still feel sad or angry or miserable but it lasts much less time and is less intense... and I am able to laugh again and look forward to some things in my life.......

Progress not perfection , people

PS for anger I read that once we die we feel everything we made others feel so I can go " HAH! you will know the pain you caused me! :rotfxko".. then back to my own life as I also miss myself very much....

Summerpeach

Oh geez, then my ex is going to combust and his head will spin just before his death.....hahah!

I think everyone at the end of their day, knows the pain they cause.
Even if they don't think about it, they know!

stilllearning

Aaaaah, lightbulb moment:

"At least I have learned to live the present moment so when I get to my car and go to my apartment and see my cats I can enjoy that and live that and I am safe for another day."

Well really, my home is my sanctuary and I feel safe an free in it. I love my laptop and for the last few months reading up on SR and keeping in touch with friends has also been part of recovery. Then suddenly there he is again and my phone is ringing and I felt invaded. Please feel free to talk sense into me about the hangups by the way - yes, could have been a wrong number/crossed line but it was consistent and annoying for about two weeks or so.

Summerpeach, you're right. The ability to love is never wrong and loving is never wrong. Loving until you feel completely drained of everything is ... codependency, I guess. You know, I offered to walk away several times - when he came clean about the "relapses" I told him that if our relationship was contributing to his pain, wasn't right for him or was too much, that I loved him enough to want to see him happy and would gladly step away. I meant it. He said no - but I forgot to love myself enough to offer -myself- the same option. There's a lesson.

Taking charge, the line where you talk about having a dream where you nearly killed him gave me a much-needed laugh.

stilllearning

A big thank you to everyone who posted on this one - and a postscript!

I felt so, so sad the day after I had "unfriended" him. Awful. Like a 24-hour grief virus - and I was worried that I was back to square one again. I think it was maybe the last gasp of acceptance.

Then .. in the last few days I've felt lighter, freer and better than I have in months. He is not in my life anymore. I don't -want- him in my life anymore. I think that part about taking back a tiny piece of my own power was really true. Whether by design or just because it's who he is - he really hurt me.

I haven't contacted him but I guess clicking that button was my decision, for me, that I don't want any doors left open. And I had to shut that door to realize that ... I really do want it shut. It has nothing to do with him - it was self-protective and I had to do it for me. He has no business in my business and I have no business in his business. Done.

I also said no to a job I was offered this week that felt wrong for me. I took a much smaller part-time job to get me by for now until the right thing comes along. Scary - but for once I'm going to trust my gut.

SL.