qwe

Hello all you experienced ones, particulary RA's,

I have a quick question. My AH has been going to AA since end of Aug/09. He has had relapses, the last one just over a month ago.

All throughout these months, he's never kept track of his last sober date. I peek in on the other parts of SR, and everyone there seems very proud to make 12 days, 1 month, 3 years, etc. Some participants even have their "sober since" date as part of their signature. The RA's wear their sobriety with pride. Why doesn't my RAH do the same? Is he an anomaly or have I just not met the others like him? Why would this not be important to him?

I am suspicious and think that if you don't keep track of the date then when you relapse you don't have to suffer the pain of knowing how many days just got thrown out the window. And I of course could never catch him in a lie. What he does, is of course his decision. I would just like some insight and he still does not talk to me about this.

suki44883

Whether or not to count days is an individual decision. I don't count days and never have. I do know my anniversary date, but simply because it falls on my birthday.

Ceres

I know others that don't too.

"My AH has been going to AA since end of Aug/09. He has had relapses, the last one just over a month ago."

It's awsome he is going to meetings and sticking with it. Mine didn't, and needless to say, he's back out - And out of the house too.

coffeedrinker

for my abf, he told me recently he would like to start celebrating his sober anniversary for the first time in his lifetime of sober/relapse patterns. i'm not sure why this time he wants to keep the date (i asked but can't remember). but i think it may to do with the commitment.

marshallzhukov

That's quite a big red flag, for all of the reasons you outlined. There is a saying around the rooms of AA: "If you can't remember when you had your last drink, then you probably haven't had it yet..."

Having a date shows that he is serious about recovery, that he is making a commitment to a sober life, and that sober date marks the end of his old life and the start of his new one. If he is not marking the date, then chances are that is why he is kicking around the rooms of AA but otherwise relapsing with great frequency.

Perhaps Al-Anon would be a good way to learn some skills for dealing with him in early recovery? SR is great but it is never a substitute for some real Face to Face time with other people who have been in your situation or are currently walking your path.

hps

Well, to me the date is less important than the day, in other words making it through each day without a drink. If your husband has been going to AA for six months but has only been sober for one month, this indicates that something is not working in his program.

I was able to work out my sobriety date in retrospect, but at the time how would I know it was going to be the date of my last drink? I had promised many times to stop drinking, always failing. I did not know how to cope without a drink, so how was I going to be able to stay sober? All I could really do was attempt to get through each day without a drink, whilst preserving my sanity. After a while the days add up to weeks and months. But until it happened for me, I never would have believed it was possible.

Freedom1990

There is a lot of untreated alcoholism sitting in the rooms of AA. How do I know this? I was one of those cases, and subsequently drank again after 4 years.

Sitting in a chair at an AA meeting does not necessarily constitute recovery.

Recovery takes work, a commitment. For me it meant getting serious, following my sponsor's suggestions, working those steps, getting involved in service work, and applying the principles to my life every day.

qwe

Thanks everyone for your comments so far.

A couple of sentences on my AH. Our marriage counsellor last Aug told him he was profoundly alcoholic, and was to stop drinking and get his butt to AA. AH of course drank the next day, tried to justify not understanding the counsellor meant stop right away. Big argument, at the end of which he put his head through a window with a hope you are happy now. I gave him an ultimatum - call the counsellor right now & get to AA tonight, or get out - and he chose the former. He has not continued to drink all the way through until a month ago, but I know he has had relapses (none admitted to without hard evidence, of course) over the last six months, the last one that I know about being a month ago. He got a sponsor last November, and I know the sponsor is an addicition counsellor in the school system, so hopefully a good one. He goes to AA 3x a week and always comes home visibly calm and positive.

How hard he is actually working his steps I do not know. He does not talk about this stuff with me at all. That is why I am asking you all for your insight. I no longer track everything he does (have reduced my anxiety through Al-Anon) but at the same time do not want to be made a fool of any more. He can have an opportunity to get better but if that is not getting a genuine, HARD, try, then I know what I must do. I have more peace now but not as much as I ultimately want in my life. I am not willing to live with an anticipation for a monthly relapse, that is not a life I am willing to take on anymore. In my mind I have given this process nine months before I reassess, and I need to take that time to work on me and get educated in all possible ways.

Thank you again everyone. I love that comment, if you do not know when you had your last drink you probably have not had it yet! I think that might apply here.