bad day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
bad day
I don't post alot, but I read all the time. This board has helped me put my life in perspective. I know my kids and I don't deserve this kind of treatment, or abuse from my AH. I have a plan to get out of this mess, but it will take time. I am a stay at home mom, and i have not worked in 10 years. I am going back to school, that's the part that is taking time.
Sunday he went into a drunken rampage. He decided that he was leaving. I was in my room trying to take a nap. He comes slamming in there, packing his stuff. I tried t ignore him. I thought perhaps he was packing for a trip for work that he didn't tell me about. He is a rude person anyway, so I thought nothing of it. So I finally got up, and went to the living room. My dd told me what he was doing. When I saw that he was taking the truck I got upset. I didn't care if he left, but not with the truck. That is what we pull the horse trailer with, to all the kids practices. They ride drill. He knows this. So instead of taking his motorcycle, which is what he always drives,he tries to take the truck. So I go to the gate and close it, I am standing there ( I know, not smart) and he rams the gate. I yell at him that he just assaulted me and I am calling the Sheriff. I do this. He by this time has backed off, and left the truck in the driveway.
They come and talk to him, he ends up leaving with the other car, to the neighbors across the road. They told him he couldn't go anywhere else 'cause he had been drinking. Duh!~
It gets better...later that night I come into my living room, its dark, and his chair is right beside the computer desk. I sit down and start looking at email. I don't see him sitting there, he is all scrunched down. When he coughed is when I noticed him. I told him he wasn't supposed to be there. He is even more drunk.
He mumbles something and passes out. I decide to leave him 'cause my kids are still up listening.
Yesterday ( sorry it's so long) he wants to know if its over. I told him that if he doesn't want to do the work to get better ( alcohol and abusiveness) yeah, its over.
He told me that he doesn't blame me anymore for his drinking. I am not convinced. Later in the conversation, he says that I don't give him a reason to not drink. Isn't that still blaming me???
He has a friend that is a A and is going to AA, court appointed. He tells my AH that I am a dry drunk because I have a problem with other people drinking. For one thing the church I go to, does not approve of it Members drinking. I also have friends that go to another church and for them some wine is a normal thing. I don't have a problem with a little wine, or a beer or two. Its the over indulgence. Ya'll know what I mean. I used to drink, too much, but don't anymore. I guess that makes me a dry drunk 'cause I don't want my husband coming home every night drunk. And that just gives him an excuse to act like an A**. This is getting too long. I guess I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for reading. G
Sunday he went into a drunken rampage. He decided that he was leaving. I was in my room trying to take a nap. He comes slamming in there, packing his stuff. I tried t ignore him. I thought perhaps he was packing for a trip for work that he didn't tell me about. He is a rude person anyway, so I thought nothing of it. So I finally got up, and went to the living room. My dd told me what he was doing. When I saw that he was taking the truck I got upset. I didn't care if he left, but not with the truck. That is what we pull the horse trailer with, to all the kids practices. They ride drill. He knows this. So instead of taking his motorcycle, which is what he always drives,he tries to take the truck. So I go to the gate and close it, I am standing there ( I know, not smart) and he rams the gate. I yell at him that he just assaulted me and I am calling the Sheriff. I do this. He by this time has backed off, and left the truck in the driveway.
They come and talk to him, he ends up leaving with the other car, to the neighbors across the road. They told him he couldn't go anywhere else 'cause he had been drinking. Duh!~
It gets better...later that night I come into my living room, its dark, and his chair is right beside the computer desk. I sit down and start looking at email. I don't see him sitting there, he is all scrunched down. When he coughed is when I noticed him. I told him he wasn't supposed to be there. He is even more drunk.
He mumbles something and passes out. I decide to leave him 'cause my kids are still up listening.
Yesterday ( sorry it's so long) he wants to know if its over. I told him that if he doesn't want to do the work to get better ( alcohol and abusiveness) yeah, its over.
He told me that he doesn't blame me anymore for his drinking. I am not convinced. Later in the conversation, he says that I don't give him a reason to not drink. Isn't that still blaming me???
He has a friend that is a A and is going to AA, court appointed. He tells my AH that I am a dry drunk because I have a problem with other people drinking. For one thing the church I go to, does not approve of it Members drinking. I also have friends that go to another church and for them some wine is a normal thing. I don't have a problem with a little wine, or a beer or two. Its the over indulgence. Ya'll know what I mean. I used to drink, too much, but don't anymore. I guess that makes me a dry drunk 'cause I don't want my husband coming home every night drunk. And that just gives him an excuse to act like an A**. This is getting too long. I guess I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for reading. G
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
Please keep yourself and your children safe! That's the most important thing.
So...what's the status? Is he still living there with you and the kids? Do you know where he was planning to go when he packed his things? Does he have somewhere to go? If he does, it might be good for him to go there for a while, while you decide how to proceed. If not, then detachment is in order. Sounds like you're doing that okay, but when they go on rampages, I know it's difficult, to say the least.
So...what's the status? Is he still living there with you and the kids? Do you know where he was planning to go when he packed his things? Does he have somewhere to go? If he does, it might be good for him to go there for a while, while you decide how to proceed. If not, then detachment is in order. Sounds like you're doing that okay, but when they go on rampages, I know it's difficult, to say the least.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
We do understand. I have been where you are - except for the assaultiveness - and I know that if I had pushed it with AH, it might have gone there.
You have a responsibility to your children and to yourself and it sounds like you take that seriously. Good for you.
You should research the divorce laws in your state and find out if spousal support can be ordered. Also talk to a lawyer.
It doesn't matter whether you drink, used to drink, hate drinking, whatever...
Your problem is with your husband's behavior.
It doesn't matter what his AA friend may (or may not!) have told him about YOUR problems. Your AH is shifting the blame for his problems onto you.
I think it's common for them to tell us that WE have the problem - for example, I am a controlling &itch. Because I don't let me kids be unsupervised with an irresponsible and substance-abusing parent. Whatever - call me what you will. If that makes me controlling, so be it.
It's also common for them to tell us that OTHER people (like his alcoholic, court-ordered AA friend) dislike us or think that we are unreasonable. It's designed to make us doubt ourselves.
Read the stickies at the top of this page, read Codependent no More, educate yourself on the disease - you will learn a lot.
In the meantime, keep those children sheltered and take care of yourself.
Welcome.
You have a responsibility to your children and to yourself and it sounds like you take that seriously. Good for you.
You should research the divorce laws in your state and find out if spousal support can be ordered. Also talk to a lawyer.
It doesn't matter whether you drink, used to drink, hate drinking, whatever...
Your problem is with your husband's behavior.
It doesn't matter what his AA friend may (or may not!) have told him about YOUR problems. Your AH is shifting the blame for his problems onto you.
I think it's common for them to tell us that WE have the problem - for example, I am a controlling &itch. Because I don't let me kids be unsupervised with an irresponsible and substance-abusing parent. Whatever - call me what you will. If that makes me controlling, so be it.
It's also common for them to tell us that OTHER people (like his alcoholic, court-ordered AA friend) dislike us or think that we are unreasonable. It's designed to make us doubt ourselves.
Read the stickies at the top of this page, read Codependent no More, educate yourself on the disease - you will learn a lot.
In the meantime, keep those children sheltered and take care of yourself.
Welcome.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lextex))
I hate that this ugly disease has reared it's ugly head in your life - i hate that it is affecting you and your children.
Please know that despite what he is saying - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it
You just happen to be the convenient excuse for him right now - during the active stages of the disease - all of our A's have found a convenience excuse - the kids don't behave, the spouse isn't nice enough, the job is too hard, there isn't a job, the traffic, it's the holidays, it's not a holiday, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's the weekend, it's not the weekend, the sky is blue and the grass is green -
Not to make light of it - but to an active drinker/user there is ALWAYS a reason!!
Please know that you and your children have the right to safety and sanity. AND it's ok to do what you need to do to make sure you have that in your home.
Keep posting here, maybe attending al-anon meetings, seeking counseling, reading recovery literature, seeking spiritual guidance - looking for healthy ways to help you make the decisions you feel you need to make to ensure you and your children have a life that is Happy, Joyous and Free!
HUGS,
Rita
I hate that this ugly disease has reared it's ugly head in your life - i hate that it is affecting you and your children.
Please know that despite what he is saying - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it
You just happen to be the convenient excuse for him right now - during the active stages of the disease - all of our A's have found a convenience excuse - the kids don't behave, the spouse isn't nice enough, the job is too hard, there isn't a job, the traffic, it's the holidays, it's not a holiday, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's the weekend, it's not the weekend, the sky is blue and the grass is green -
Not to make light of it - but to an active drinker/user there is ALWAYS a reason!!
Please know that you and your children have the right to safety and sanity. AND it's ok to do what you need to do to make sure you have that in your home.
Keep posting here, maybe attending al-anon meetings, seeking counseling, reading recovery literature, seeking spiritual guidance - looking for healthy ways to help you make the decisions you feel you need to make to ensure you and your children have a life that is Happy, Joyous and Free!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
I guess that makes me a dry drunk 'cause I don't want my husband coming home every night drunk. And that just gives him an excuse to act like an A**.
Good Afternoon. I''m new here and am just finding my way around the site....so bear with me if I make some false moves here.
I am a recovered alcoholic and member of AA, although I am totally in favor of any and all tools, methods and philosophies that enable someone to get and stay sober. I did lots of different stuff, and ended up in AA.
One of the things about AA is that it is full of alcoholics!!! We tend to not be the healthiest, even when we're not drinking. I would say that I have had a thinking....not a drinking problem!!!" My thinking was really unreliable for quite a while...well over a year. And lots of newcomers (and oldtimers for that matter) spread some very bad misinformation in meetings....usually with either the best intentions or under the spell of their illness.
The term "dry drunk" in AA refers to an A who is abstinent but not what we'd consider "recovering" or "sober." Merely putting the plug in the jug is no solution, and usually results in an insane, angry, ugly....but dry....alcoholic. You may be an enabler or a codependent, but certainly not a dry drunk.
As an alcoholic, I can tell you that I was a professional blamer, complainer and liar. I could turn things around on my wife in an instant and make it all her fault. Or I could get on my pity pot, whining that "my disease made me do it." BS!! If I can name it (disease) than I can find the solution for it. That's on me...not my wife, therapist, sponsor, friend, program...etc. I get to choose....love or fear, spirit or ego, life or death. That's all. My choice. There's no "If you had a wife like mine, you'd drink too."
I highly recommend that you hook up with an alanon group. One of the common strategies you may hear there is a separation: no contact until he has six months clean and sober...then you can talk about getting back together. Sounds harsh, but at least it leaves the door open and throws the whole thing back on him....and his choices.
You've received some really good suggestions and support here. I'm infamous on another forum for my long posts, and I probably won't be changing much. but I'm glad to be here. This feels like a pretty good place to hang out.
blessings,
zbear
Good Afternoon. I''m new here and am just finding my way around the site....so bear with me if I make some false moves here.
I am a recovered alcoholic and member of AA, although I am totally in favor of any and all tools, methods and philosophies that enable someone to get and stay sober. I did lots of different stuff, and ended up in AA.
One of the things about AA is that it is full of alcoholics!!! We tend to not be the healthiest, even when we're not drinking. I would say that I have had a thinking....not a drinking problem!!!" My thinking was really unreliable for quite a while...well over a year. And lots of newcomers (and oldtimers for that matter) spread some very bad misinformation in meetings....usually with either the best intentions or under the spell of their illness.
The term "dry drunk" in AA refers to an A who is abstinent but not what we'd consider "recovering" or "sober." Merely putting the plug in the jug is no solution, and usually results in an insane, angry, ugly....but dry....alcoholic. You may be an enabler or a codependent, but certainly not a dry drunk.
As an alcoholic, I can tell you that I was a professional blamer, complainer and liar. I could turn things around on my wife in an instant and make it all her fault. Or I could get on my pity pot, whining that "my disease made me do it." BS!! If I can name it (disease) than I can find the solution for it. That's on me...not my wife, therapist, sponsor, friend, program...etc. I get to choose....love or fear, spirit or ego, life or death. That's all. My choice. There's no "If you had a wife like mine, you'd drink too."
I highly recommend that you hook up with an alanon group. One of the common strategies you may hear there is a separation: no contact until he has six months clean and sober...then you can talk about getting back together. Sounds harsh, but at least it leaves the door open and throws the whole thing back on him....and his choices.
You've received some really good suggestions and support here. I'm infamous on another forum for my long posts, and I probably won't be changing much. but I'm glad to be here. This feels like a pretty good place to hang out.
blessings,
zbear
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Don't listen to the dry drunk talk. It's quacking. Anybody who thinks that it's unreasonable for you to have a problem with a drunk husband who causes scenes like like that is completely deluded.
Something that helps me to step away from the crazy-making vortex of alcoholic "reason" and the alcoholic/codie dance is to think, what would I tell my daughter or best friend to do in this situation?
I'm not saying to never look at yourself, but now is not the time. What's important right now is creating a peaceful home for you and your kids. Then you can reflect on what your part in things are.
Something that helps me to step away from the crazy-making vortex of alcoholic "reason" and the alcoholic/codie dance is to think, what would I tell my daughter or best friend to do in this situation?
I'm not saying to never look at yourself, but now is not the time. What's important right now is creating a peaceful home for you and your kids. Then you can reflect on what your part in things are.
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