Dealing with the lies - for me...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
its a11 so hard i know 1ost count oof how many 1ies i accpeted and kept trying to keep us together cos i made peace with myse1f that i 1ove him so what are a few 1ies in the great scheme of things but they got bigger and bigger some he admitted to most he didnt and i began to think what bits are 1ies and what are the truth and it made our re1ationship foundations crumb1e but i at this moment sti11 1ove him and part of me sti11 thinks but what if, so im working on me atm getting stronger day by day some days even hour by hour and been honest with myse1f.
"hugs" for u though keep posting xxxxkia
"hugs" for u though keep posting xxxxkia
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I've been reading along with your lie crisis and ABF. It brought about a hilarious memory of my discussing the lying trait with my late ABF. We were driving along and I wasn't being confrontational or anything. Just simply telling him I know you're lying, the streets are talking, and I'm not going to reinvent the wheel on truth and betrayal. He'd told sooooooo many lies while drunk, high, sober, they just began to overlap. His response made me laugh so hard I was tearing in the eyes....
"oh just stop with YOUR conspiracy theories Insulated!
Too funny. I really hope you are able to find an inner peace with your circumstance.
"oh just stop with YOUR conspiracy theories Insulated!
Too funny. I really hope you are able to find an inner peace with your circumstance.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks for your thoughts on this issue. It really does seem that there are so many different responses, attitudes and tolerances of lying, and it is really making me think about things. I’m not honestly sure how I’ve managed to deal with all the lies lately – I never thought I would allow someone to ‘get away with it’, and I think maybe it’s because I’ve just been too needy.
I think you just hit the nail on the head. "Too Needy." What does that signify? Insecurity, low self-esteem, low self-confidence? For me I have had to look into why I became so needy with men, my exA in particular. It goes back to family of origin stuff. My mother leaving when I was 7 and my father not wanting to be a parent, pawning us off on whoever would watch us and dating several horrible and desperate ladies (I use the term ladies loosely). Many of my friends' parents at the time wanted nothing to do with our unstable family, so my friends stopped inviting me over until I was a teen. This did a number on my self esteem and only recently did I realy figure out and begin to accept that this conditioning as a child skews my perception as an adult.
What about you? Why is a man lying to you okay? You don't sound financilly dependant on him, so what is in it for you? Emotionally, he isn't there, he lies. This is a fact. He might make you feel good at times, but it is a superficial feel good.
I know that if i make a huge fuss about the lies he might get fed up with my ‘nagging’ and end our relationship. That is quite an embarrassing thing to admit – that I’m scared of my ABF ending things.
It should be him being scared that I will end things. That has to change. I know he is concerned about it, and that was proved to me a few weeks ago when, for the first time, he looked at me and was genuinely scared that I was about to leave him.
The other night during our talk we decided that it was a fresh start. I don’t quite know what that meant, but I’m going to take it as just that – anything he does or lies about from now on is unacceptable and I will be reacting differently to things. Anything that went before is in the past and I won’t keep bringing things up (if I can help it, in the heat of an argument these things have a habit of cropping up, but I wil try my hardest). That way, if he messes up this time, it will be different and he has to take responsibility for that. I know I shouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone who is supposed to love me, even if they happen to be addicted to alcohol. He is fully aware of his actions and that alcohol is the main problem, so he has a responsibility to stop the drinking if he is to be a better person. Clearly I want him to succeed, and I know that he can, but I will wait and see what actually happens and not rely on his words. I feel strong about things right now but it is going to be very tough changing my reactions and putting boundaries back so I expect I’ll be asking for more support in the coming weeks – your words have helped so much already.
I think you just hit the nail on the head. "Too Needy." What does that signify? Insecurity, low self-esteem, low self-confidence? For me I have had to look into why I became so needy with men, my exA in particular. It goes back to family of origin stuff. My mother leaving when I was 7 and my father not wanting to be a parent, pawning us off on whoever would watch us and dating several horrible and desperate ladies (I use the term ladies loosely). Many of my friends' parents at the time wanted nothing to do with our unstable family, so my friends stopped inviting me over until I was a teen. This did a number on my self esteem and only recently did I realy figure out and begin to accept that this conditioning as a child skews my perception as an adult.
What about you? Why is a man lying to you okay? You don't sound financilly dependant on him, so what is in it for you? Emotionally, he isn't there, he lies. This is a fact. He might make you feel good at times, but it is a superficial feel good.
I know that if i make a huge fuss about the lies he might get fed up with my ‘nagging’ and end our relationship. That is quite an embarrassing thing to admit – that I’m scared of my ABF ending things.
It should be him being scared that I will end things. That has to change. I know he is concerned about it, and that was proved to me a few weeks ago when, for the first time, he looked at me and was genuinely scared that I was about to leave him.
The other night during our talk we decided that it was a fresh start. I don’t quite know what that meant, but I’m going to take it as just that – anything he does or lies about from now on is unacceptable and I will be reacting differently to things. Anything that went before is in the past and I won’t keep bringing things up (if I can help it, in the heat of an argument these things have a habit of cropping up, but I wil try my hardest). That way, if he messes up this time, it will be different and he has to take responsibility for that. I know I shouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone who is supposed to love me, even if they happen to be addicted to alcohol. He is fully aware of his actions and that alcohol is the main problem, so he has a responsibility to stop the drinking if he is to be a better person. Clearly I want him to succeed, and I know that he can, but I will wait and see what actually happens and not rely on his words. I feel strong about things right now but it is going to be very tough changing my reactions and putting boundaries back so I expect I’ll be asking for more support in the coming weeks – your words have helped so much already.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I know that if i make a huge fuss about the lies he might get fed up with my ‘nagging’ and end our relationship. That is quite an embarrassing thing to admit – that I’m scared of my ABF ending things.
What scares you? Being alone? Getting dumped? Failing? I had these worries too.
It should be him being scared that I will end things. That has to change. I know he is concerned about it, and that was proved to me a few weeks ago when, for the first time, he looked at me and was genuinely scared that I was about to leave him.
Whay should he change. You have already accepted his lies. He gets his needs met. What is in it for him?
The other night during our talk we decided that it was a fresh start. I don’t quite know what that meant, but I’m going to take it as just that – anything he does or lies about from now on is unacceptable and I will be reacting differently to things. Anything that went before is in the past and I won’t keep bringing things up (if I can help it, in the heat of an argument these things have a habit of cropping up, but I wil try my hardest).
Do you have boundaries in place? Are you willing to take action when he crosses your boundaries?
That way, if he messes up this time, it will be different and he has to take responsibility for that. I know I shouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone who is supposed to love me, even if they happen to be addicted to alcohol.
What is messing up? He doesn't have to do anything. You soun,d like you are trying to control his beahvior rather than just set your own bounbdaries for you.
He is fully aware of his actions and that alcohol is the main problem, so he has a responsibility to stop the drinking if he is to be a better person. Clearly I want him to succeed, and I know that he can, but I will wait and see what actually happens and not rely on his words.
I think you are giving alcohol too much credit. He lies. You have accepted him lying to you. How is alcohol the main problem? Beacuse he lies about drinking? Has he stopped drinking? Is he working a program? Are you in a program? I think you might be setting up a situation where you both can't meet the criteria at present.
What scares you? Being alone? Getting dumped? Failing? I had these worries too.
It should be him being scared that I will end things. That has to change. I know he is concerned about it, and that was proved to me a few weeks ago when, for the first time, he looked at me and was genuinely scared that I was about to leave him.
Whay should he change. You have already accepted his lies. He gets his needs met. What is in it for him?
The other night during our talk we decided that it was a fresh start. I don’t quite know what that meant, but I’m going to take it as just that – anything he does or lies about from now on is unacceptable and I will be reacting differently to things. Anything that went before is in the past and I won’t keep bringing things up (if I can help it, in the heat of an argument these things have a habit of cropping up, but I wil try my hardest).
Do you have boundaries in place? Are you willing to take action when he crosses your boundaries?
That way, if he messes up this time, it will be different and he has to take responsibility for that. I know I shouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone who is supposed to love me, even if they happen to be addicted to alcohol.
What is messing up? He doesn't have to do anything. You soun,d like you are trying to control his beahvior rather than just set your own bounbdaries for you.
He is fully aware of his actions and that alcohol is the main problem, so he has a responsibility to stop the drinking if he is to be a better person. Clearly I want him to succeed, and I know that he can, but I will wait and see what actually happens and not rely on his words.
I think you are giving alcohol too much credit. He lies. You have accepted him lying to you. How is alcohol the main problem? Beacuse he lies about drinking? Has he stopped drinking? Is he working a program? Are you in a program? I think you might be setting up a situation where you both can't meet the criteria at present.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I was originally quite a black and white thinker about lies, and my divorce forced me to rethink that position. I read once, "the problem with lying is that it deprives the person being lied to of their right to make informed choices." And I thought, BINGO! That's it exactly! That's why a truly harmless lie is so rare. I had never been able to articulate it.
Skip to the outcome of the rethinking: I now observe that many people have a flexible attitude about telling the truth, and are okay with degrees of untruthfulness. However... I'm not. It takes a toll on me both to lie, and to be lied to, even for inconsequential things. Ten years later, I can still feel my blood pressure go up when he spouts off his fabrications to me. I could not learn to let it slide, and have come to believe that that's a GOOD thing.
So I went back to being mostly a black and white thinker about lying, and dated someone who has a similar standard... and it was great. No drag-out fights, no mistrust, no tuning out. We knew exactly where we stood with each other. It was, to me, peaceful and nurturing. I put my expectations back UP where they belonged, and lo and behold, found someone who met them... and had them too.
So now my belief is, it's important to understand what you're like, and what you need from your partner, and have a realistic assessment of the situation. I lack the capacity to successfully deal with being lied to on a regular basis, therefore as much as possible, I stay away from situations where that's going to happen.
Skip to the outcome of the rethinking: I now observe that many people have a flexible attitude about telling the truth, and are okay with degrees of untruthfulness. However... I'm not. It takes a toll on me both to lie, and to be lied to, even for inconsequential things. Ten years later, I can still feel my blood pressure go up when he spouts off his fabrications to me. I could not learn to let it slide, and have come to believe that that's a GOOD thing.
So I went back to being mostly a black and white thinker about lying, and dated someone who has a similar standard... and it was great. No drag-out fights, no mistrust, no tuning out. We knew exactly where we stood with each other. It was, to me, peaceful and nurturing. I put my expectations back UP where they belonged, and lo and behold, found someone who met them... and had them too.
So now my belief is, it's important to understand what you're like, and what you need from your partner, and have a realistic assessment of the situation. I lack the capacity to successfully deal with being lied to on a regular basis, therefore as much as possible, I stay away from situations where that's going to happen.
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