I've made a decision
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
I've made a decision
I'm feeling pretty good right now, but of course I know that can change at any moment.
I'm reading the book "Choices" by Melody Beattie and am overwhelmed at how much it is helping me realize that I do have choices in my life and how the choices I make affect my life. This seems like a pretty simple concept, but when you take people like us who absorb themselves with the needs of others - not always are the consequences of the choices we make so clear.
So my revelation is this...I've decided definitely to get off the rollercoaster and end my marriage. I have found that regardless of the alcoholism, we have different values and wants in life, and therefore we will never be in sync - life will always be crazy and full of drama. That's not what I want. I want some peace and I want time to give to my children. I think they deserve that since all of their lives have been nothing but drama with their father (my ex-AH) and now my current AH. I need to do things just for us - like take a vacation and give them the opportunities to enjoy life.
I feel really peaceful with my decision and I'm not that afraid to tell him this week at counseling. The counselor had left our last session with having us think about whether we want to continue the marriage. I did some hard thinking and praying these last few days and even detached myself further from him. I asked him not to call me anymore during the day, but to only talk to me at night. That has worked wonders, although I know he doesn't like it.
During these last few days of not dealing with him, I have gone thru many emotions. Some are happy and others were feelings of loneliness. I was lonely, yet I didn't want him around. It was only when reading "Choices" that I learned it's ok to be lonely and to give everything to my HP, that he will teach me how to fill that void without having to find someone to fill it.
I feel really good about this and myself. It seems a lot has come together. I still have a long ways to go in my recovery, but I think I am making some pretty good choices - for me! I know now that life won't be all that I want, but it will be ok. I can face the good and the bad and I don't have to have someone there with me to do it. I don't have to have the craziness in my life.
I see where some of you have found your serenity and I do envy those that can stay with their AH and find it there as well. I know it's not for me, but some of that has to do with who he is and who I am and not everything with the alcoholism.
Thank you all for being here with me. I know I will have some more crazy times as well - so hang in there with me. But for right now, I am finally feeling some peace.
Thank you!!
Kitkat
I'm reading the book "Choices" by Melody Beattie and am overwhelmed at how much it is helping me realize that I do have choices in my life and how the choices I make affect my life. This seems like a pretty simple concept, but when you take people like us who absorb themselves with the needs of others - not always are the consequences of the choices we make so clear.
So my revelation is this...I've decided definitely to get off the rollercoaster and end my marriage. I have found that regardless of the alcoholism, we have different values and wants in life, and therefore we will never be in sync - life will always be crazy and full of drama. That's not what I want. I want some peace and I want time to give to my children. I think they deserve that since all of their lives have been nothing but drama with their father (my ex-AH) and now my current AH. I need to do things just for us - like take a vacation and give them the opportunities to enjoy life.
I feel really peaceful with my decision and I'm not that afraid to tell him this week at counseling. The counselor had left our last session with having us think about whether we want to continue the marriage. I did some hard thinking and praying these last few days and even detached myself further from him. I asked him not to call me anymore during the day, but to only talk to me at night. That has worked wonders, although I know he doesn't like it.
During these last few days of not dealing with him, I have gone thru many emotions. Some are happy and others were feelings of loneliness. I was lonely, yet I didn't want him around. It was only when reading "Choices" that I learned it's ok to be lonely and to give everything to my HP, that he will teach me how to fill that void without having to find someone to fill it.
I feel really good about this and myself. It seems a lot has come together. I still have a long ways to go in my recovery, but I think I am making some pretty good choices - for me! I know now that life won't be all that I want, but it will be ok. I can face the good and the bad and I don't have to have someone there with me to do it. I don't have to have the craziness in my life.
I see where some of you have found your serenity and I do envy those that can stay with their AH and find it there as well. I know it's not for me, but some of that has to do with who he is and who I am and not everything with the alcoholism.
Thank you all for being here with me. I know I will have some more crazy times as well - so hang in there with me. But for right now, I am finally feeling some peace.
Thank you!!
Kitkat
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: california
Posts: 15
I TOO MADE THE SAME DECISION
Kitkat, I too made that decision, and I too know that I loved my husband but also felt that we weren't headed in the same direction. It was a very tough decision to make after 18 years of marriage but I couldn't see myself living with him any longer. I too have a lot of growing to do, and now that i am no longer living and concentrating on him, I can focus on myself and what kind of life I want to have. I could never detach myself from his drinking and behavior.
I havent read that book, but it sounds like a good one I need to read. I wish you all the best in your new life. barb
I havent read that book, but it sounds like a good one I need to read. I wish you all the best in your new life. barb
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I wish you both the best! Let us know how it is going.
Change is hard and it it far too easy to fall back into our comfort zones. Sometimes I have to come here to check my own reality.
We are here for you both!
Hugs,
JT
Change is hard and it it far too easy to fall back into our comfort zones. Sometimes I have to come here to check my own reality.
We are here for you both!
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pgh, PA
Posts: 3
My thougths and prayers are with you. Although I don't have this situation I can appreciate and understand what you are going through. It is rough - but you and your children desreve a good life.
Even with AA some marriages don't make it - mostly becasue there were problems in the marriage long before the alcohol became a factor.
Life is short and shold be enjoyed.
Best wishes to you.
Marianne
Even with AA some marriages don't make it - mostly becasue there were problems in the marriage long before the alcohol became a factor.
Life is short and shold be enjoyed.
Best wishes to you.
Marianne
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Kit and Peace,
I commend you both on making such a difficult decesion, I know that it took much effort to come that conclusion.
Kit, thanks for the tip on the book.....I've got to find that one. Making choices is something I definately need to know I can do.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to the both of you!
Blessings
Constant
I commend you both on making such a difficult decesion, I know that it took much effort to come that conclusion.
Kit, thanks for the tip on the book.....I've got to find that one. Making choices is something I definately need to know I can do.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to the both of you!
Blessings
Constant
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
you sound like you are well on your way back into living........
Surviving under the heavy gray cloud of active alcoholism isn't living. I know that for me, I was able to cope but not able to thrive.
It wasn't until I got out that I realized how bad it was being with him. Kind of like being in prision and staring out the window - actually being out in the fresh air is even better than the prisioner can imagine.
Sounds like you realize that it isn't about getting away from the A, it's about embracing a healthy, peaceful life.
Things for you will get better with time. I am now 4 months post-move out and my energy and enthusiasm for everything has returned. This has been the best period of my life.
My regret is marrying my A in the first place, not ending it. All the signs were there -- I knew he had a problem, but I was too weak to draw boundaries back then.
Enjoy your life!
It wasn't until I got out that I realized how bad it was being with him. Kind of like being in prision and staring out the window - actually being out in the fresh air is even better than the prisioner can imagine.
Sounds like you realize that it isn't about getting away from the A, it's about embracing a healthy, peaceful life.
Things for you will get better with time. I am now 4 months post-move out and my energy and enthusiasm for everything has returned. This has been the best period of my life.
My regret is marrying my A in the first place, not ending it. All the signs were there -- I knew he had a problem, but I was too weak to draw boundaries back then.
Enjoy your life!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
Wow such a step forward. See what you are witnessing is recovery working in your favor. I too have gotten out of a relationship a little over a year now and have devoted my time to me and my daughter. Since she has gotten back in my life she has seen nothing but dysfucti9onal relationship. I was scared to be alone I have been with a man always since 15 so it was scary but I would not change things for the world. You have came to a oint in your recovery that I admire. I see the change in your words it just brings me back. Just let me tell ya its not easy to be alone with self. But its the most rewarding thing I have ever done my whole life. Besises having my daughter. Hang in there and trust your feelings if you feel its right nine timeas outa ten its right. It will be a little rough at first I can not liue but it gets better so dont give in
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
kitkat & peacefulmind,
I made that decision too. I served my husband with divorce papers this past July. Our divorce will be final December 1. Of course about a week ago my husband started going to AA and says he is going to start going to a psychiatrist to get himself off the xanax (tranquilizers). I really have mixed feelings about this. He wants his family back. But I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He quit once before for a year. For now, I'm moving forward with the divorce proceedings. I wish I could just walk away and not care about him, and not wonder "what if". I have moments of feeling liberated, but I also have times of sadness where I think of all our dreams that won't be realized. It's a hard decision. Good luck to both of you.
I made that decision too. I served my husband with divorce papers this past July. Our divorce will be final December 1. Of course about a week ago my husband started going to AA and says he is going to start going to a psychiatrist to get himself off the xanax (tranquilizers). I really have mixed feelings about this. He wants his family back. But I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He quit once before for a year. For now, I'm moving forward with the divorce proceedings. I wish I could just walk away and not care about him, and not wonder "what if". I have moments of feeling liberated, but I also have times of sadness where I think of all our dreams that won't be realized. It's a hard decision. Good luck to both of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Our2jz, I noticed that you said you husband was taking xanax....mine has been on them for 15 years....he is addicted to those as well as alcohol. How long has your husband been on them? Does he suffer from withdrawal if he tries to stop? My husband doc says he takes a small amount so he couldn't be addicted....what I have read says you shouldn't use them long term (3 weeks) or they are highly addictive. What is your take?
Blessings,
Constant
Blessings,
Constant
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Xanex aka Valium is highly addictive.
My doctor only gave me some because he knows Im overly responsible. Unlike a lot of other anti depressants its effects are instant. Theres no build up time.
I didnt take it every day. He said to only take it on really bad days. So as you can guess I took it every day I had to go to court.
I still have half a bottle. I take half a one everyonce in a while if things get me down. But no way in hell would I take those things everyday.
My doctor only gave me some because he knows Im overly responsible. Unlike a lot of other anti depressants its effects are instant. Theres no build up time.
I didnt take it every day. He said to only take it on really bad days. So as you can guess I took it every day I had to go to court.
I still have half a bottle. I take half a one everyonce in a while if things get me down. But no way in hell would I take those things everyday.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
constant, yes, I'm convinced my husband is addicted to the xanax as well. He has been on them for about 2+ years. He is prescribed 4mg a day (happens to be the most that is recommended be prescribed by the PDR). Before my husband moved out (and once I realized what xanax was) I took it upon myself to keep a log of how my husband was taking the xanax. He wasn't taking them as prescribed. He'd take 2 today so he could have 6 tomorrow, etc. Last spring it started to get really out of hand when his mother past away. For the couple of months after her passing, he was taking as much as 8-9 a day, plus drinking. I don't consider him sober until he is off the xanax as well. I have had 3 separate psychologists tell me the xanax is a big problem (my therapist, my son's therapist & our marriage counselor have all said the same thing). It can be easy to overlook the fact that they take these tranquilizers. They aren't stumbling on them, they don't smell. etc. It's definitely different than seeing them drunk, which is so obvious. I did quite a bit of research on tranquilizers when I realized it was a problem, and it's interesting to note that almost every book on alcoholism has a section devoted to tranquilizers.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
Just one more quick note on the xanax issue. I was talking to my Grandfather (who is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 32 years & is VERY invloved with AA) about alcoholism and my husband. He told me that about a month after he quit drinking he went to his doctor complaining about anxiety. His doctor put him on valium. He was on it for about 1 1/2 months before he took himself off. He said he was messing around with the dosage and knew he was just substituting one addiction with another
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Our2jz,
My husband has the .5mg, but I have no idea how many he takes a day....to or three as needed is what the bottle says. His prescription have to be refilled before the refil date so I am sure that he doesn't follow the directions. To top it off, he drinks too or sometimes instead. He suffers from anxiety attacks and that was why he was originally prescribed them 15 years ago...now if he doesn't take them, the withdrawal seems to be worse than the anxiety and the drinking brings on anxiety the next day. He is in a vicious cycle and I pray he finds his way out!
Does your husband complain about stomach/bowel trouble? I believe that the Xanax or Alprozolam (generic) is causing my husbands stomach/bowel troubles. (not that the alcohol doesn't)
I agree about not being sober until he is off both alcohol and xanax, but I don't think it is possible for him to do both at the same time unless he checked in...in fact I don't think he could quit xanax with out detox period. Of course at this point, he doesn't think he has an alcohol problem. He does think he is addicted to Xanax, but too afraid to address the issue.....guess he will when he is ready, until then I'll keep going.
Thanks,
Constant
My husband has the .5mg, but I have no idea how many he takes a day....to or three as needed is what the bottle says. His prescription have to be refilled before the refil date so I am sure that he doesn't follow the directions. To top it off, he drinks too or sometimes instead. He suffers from anxiety attacks and that was why he was originally prescribed them 15 years ago...now if he doesn't take them, the withdrawal seems to be worse than the anxiety and the drinking brings on anxiety the next day. He is in a vicious cycle and I pray he finds his way out!
Does your husband complain about stomach/bowel trouble? I believe that the Xanax or Alprozolam (generic) is causing my husbands stomach/bowel troubles. (not that the alcohol doesn't)
I agree about not being sober until he is off both alcohol and xanax, but I don't think it is possible for him to do both at the same time unless he checked in...in fact I don't think he could quit xanax with out detox period. Of course at this point, he doesn't think he has an alcohol problem. He does think he is addicted to Xanax, but too afraid to address the issue.....guess he will when he is ready, until then I'll keep going.
Thanks,
Constant
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
Constant,
The majority of the time my husband doesn't think he has a drinking problem either. He also doesn't see the xanax as a problem. Occasionally he will admit that they are a problem, but those moments are fleating. We went to marriage counselling a couple weeks ago (at my husband's request because I had filed for divorce and he doesn't want it). After just one 1 1/2 hour session the counsellor told us that he can't help us. He then proceeded to tell my husband that he is an alcoholic & needs to see a psychologist to get off the xanax. I'm always doubting myself (maybe he's not an alcoholic, maybe I over-react, maybe he really needs the xanax). But, like I said before, I have 3 separate professionals tell me that he does have a problem & that I should get away. So, even though it's really hard, and I want to believe all his promises of change, as long as he is taking a single pill or drinking a single drink, I'll keep moving forward with the divorce. On another note, I read a book all about alcoholism. It said that doctors aften misprescribe tranquilizers to alcoholics who have quit drinking. They mistake alcohol withdrawal for anxiety disorders. I thought that was interesting. My husband quit drinking for about 9 months or so. About 1 month after he quit he went to his doctor complaining of anxiety & got the xanax.
The majority of the time my husband doesn't think he has a drinking problem either. He also doesn't see the xanax as a problem. Occasionally he will admit that they are a problem, but those moments are fleating. We went to marriage counselling a couple weeks ago (at my husband's request because I had filed for divorce and he doesn't want it). After just one 1 1/2 hour session the counsellor told us that he can't help us. He then proceeded to tell my husband that he is an alcoholic & needs to see a psychologist to get off the xanax. I'm always doubting myself (maybe he's not an alcoholic, maybe I over-react, maybe he really needs the xanax). But, like I said before, I have 3 separate professionals tell me that he does have a problem & that I should get away. So, even though it's really hard, and I want to believe all his promises of change, as long as he is taking a single pill or drinking a single drink, I'll keep moving forward with the divorce. On another note, I read a book all about alcoholism. It said that doctors aften misprescribe tranquilizers to alcoholics who have quit drinking. They mistake alcohol withdrawal for anxiety disorders. I thought that was interesting. My husband quit drinking for about 9 months or so. About 1 month after he quit he went to his doctor complaining of anxiety & got the xanax.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Our2jz,
I know about the doubting.....I do it all the time. Today I am sure, but tomorrow I might think that I am the one who is crazy. I am sorry that the doc every prescribed you husband those.....when my husband was prescribed them, they were a life saver...he could leave the house and work again, BUT he never quit drinking or altered his life style...he took those in conjunction with everything else. (and the doctor must have been a quack too) I do believe that he suffers from anxiety...it is in his family, but both of this parents are alcoholics too. It is a complicated mess and currently I am not divorcing him. I do wish you the best and thank you for sharing. It does comfort me to know that someone else has seen the craziness and that I am NOT just over-reacting!
Constant
I know about the doubting.....I do it all the time. Today I am sure, but tomorrow I might think that I am the one who is crazy. I am sorry that the doc every prescribed you husband those.....when my husband was prescribed them, they were a life saver...he could leave the house and work again, BUT he never quit drinking or altered his life style...he took those in conjunction with everything else. (and the doctor must have been a quack too) I do believe that he suffers from anxiety...it is in his family, but both of this parents are alcoholics too. It is a complicated mess and currently I am not divorcing him. I do wish you the best and thank you for sharing. It does comfort me to know that someone else has seen the craziness and that I am NOT just over-reacting!
Constant
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: houston, texas
Posts: 72
Hey There Constant-
The bowel/stomach problems is an extremely common thing with any tranquilzer/opiate. It actually slows down the motility in the gastrointestinal tract, and many addicts suffer from constipation. Nausea is also a very common symptom. Also, the urinary tract is affected, too. The opiates cause the urinary tract's vessels to contract (vasoconstriction), making the passageway extremely tight and small, and urination becomes extremely difficult.
Pretty much every system is affected by opiates because opiates affect the nervous system, and the peripheral nervous system (involuntary controlled stuff like your heart beating) is connected to pretty much everything in the body.
Sorry if it makes no sense! I'm in college to be a Registered Nurse, and it's always fun to put my just-learned knowledge to use! Heh!
I was also a heroine addict (sober 8 months), so I have first-hand experience. whopeee!!
Take Care All!
The bowel/stomach problems is an extremely common thing with any tranquilzer/opiate. It actually slows down the motility in the gastrointestinal tract, and many addicts suffer from constipation. Nausea is also a very common symptom. Also, the urinary tract is affected, too. The opiates cause the urinary tract's vessels to contract (vasoconstriction), making the passageway extremely tight and small, and urination becomes extremely difficult.
Pretty much every system is affected by opiates because opiates affect the nervous system, and the peripheral nervous system (involuntary controlled stuff like your heart beating) is connected to pretty much everything in the body.
Sorry if it makes no sense! I'm in college to be a Registered Nurse, and it's always fun to put my just-learned knowledge to use! Heh!
I was also a heroine addict (sober 8 months), so I have first-hand experience. whopeee!!
Take Care All!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 12
Hi All,
It's been almost 27 years for me, and I could no longer go on. When I finally made that decision he said "Just one more counselor...". Giving him the benifit of the doubt I said fine. Well he managed to find someone who told me that neither my conscience nor my sanity mattered. That's when my health went. They thought I was having a stroke, then migraines, then MS, and now I am on anti-convulsants for "complex partial temporal lobe seizures". Nice, huh. I won't bother you with the miserable details, let it sufice to say that I will be medicated the rest of my life due to stress.
I've made the decision to leave alright...but I am taking classes at the local JC to develope marketable skills. I've homeschooled my six kids and managed to hold things together but spent all of that time in the home. I still have my 24 year old and her 10 month old (I care for him while she works), 18, 16 and 9 year olds at home. We are on the verge of losing our home due to his mismanagment of money, and he is in denial...again. BUT!, I'm okay. I know that my HP is leading me in the right direction. The sun is shining and it's a lovely day! God loves me!
All of my fellow travelers are in my daily prayers.
It's been almost 27 years for me, and I could no longer go on. When I finally made that decision he said "Just one more counselor...". Giving him the benifit of the doubt I said fine. Well he managed to find someone who told me that neither my conscience nor my sanity mattered. That's when my health went. They thought I was having a stroke, then migraines, then MS, and now I am on anti-convulsants for "complex partial temporal lobe seizures". Nice, huh. I won't bother you with the miserable details, let it sufice to say that I will be medicated the rest of my life due to stress.
I've made the decision to leave alright...but I am taking classes at the local JC to develope marketable skills. I've homeschooled my six kids and managed to hold things together but spent all of that time in the home. I still have my 24 year old and her 10 month old (I care for him while she works), 18, 16 and 9 year olds at home. We are on the verge of losing our home due to his mismanagment of money, and he is in denial...again. BUT!, I'm okay. I know that my HP is leading me in the right direction. The sun is shining and it's a lovely day! God loves me!
All of my fellow travelers are in my daily prayers.
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